Why don't you pay mom?

[Anonymous]

My dad was a deadbeat. He told me he refused to pay because my mom would only waste the money on clothes and shoes.

It was true that IF he had paid child support, then she would not have had to have born the whole cost of raising me alone, and that would have freed up money in our budget for her to buy things for herself. But she would never have bought shoes for herself if she had not already bought them for me (and put a roof over my head, paid for food, etc.).

It was just an excuse. As it really was, my dad inherited over a million from his parents but was destitute (commodities trading) when he died. My mom worked in pink collar jobs her whole life, was homeless for awhile, and still managed to leave me a six-figure inheritance when she died.

The moral of the story, OP, is that you aren't going to get a deadbeat dad on here who will be willing to justify his actions because they all know there is no justification. It's not a logical decision, it's an emotional one. My dad wanted to get even with my mom for leaving him. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

LOL so I take it you quit your job and stayed home with your child on your custody days?

My kids live with me and yes I did quit. When my step kids visited we switched off and used leave. We both do appointments. One physical, two dental, eye exam yearly plus anything else. My husband has a very flexible job so it’s a nonissue.

DP. Amazing. I totally pegged you were a resentful, jealous stepmother, and turns out I was right. Keep defending deadbeat dads, honey. And I am still happily married to the DH I met at 22, so I have no ex to worry about. I just look around at the grim reality of the divorced moms I see around me and their deadbeat exes, and I can spot resentful golddiggers like you a mile away.

How am I a gold digger. I feel bad for your kids give you make such judgements and not looking at the other side. I have paid far more for kids that were not mine than their mother ever did. I bought their clothing, plane tickets and more as my husbands ex got child support and alimony for years including years after it should have been over until he took him to court for more and the judge cut her off. You have no clue what some dads go through and it’s women like you are why the men walk away because you are so mean and vengeful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually you are not paying Mom, you are providing child support for the child. The issue is many moms think it is a payment to them and anything extra Dad pays for is for the kids.

This always makes me laugh because it is at the basis of the deadbeats thought process. No need for further explanations this is it. It’s a control thing. Reality Child as money maker said no one ever. Kids are an incredible suck of time and resources.

I feel bad for your kids as you hate all men. It’s controlling that mom gets to choose how the money is spent and no accountability.

I actually love men, I just hate terrible humans. I consider men who don’t step up to raise their kids terrible humans.

Majority of men take care of their kids. Majority of men would take full custody with no child support if they could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually you are not paying Mom, you are providing child support for the child. The issue is many moms think it is a payment to them and anything extra Dad pays for is for the kids.

This always makes me laugh because it is at the basis of the deadbeats thought process. No need for further explanations this is it. It’s a control thing. Reality Child as money maker said no one ever. Kids are an incredible suck of time and resources.

I feel bad for your kids as you hate all men. It’s controlling that mom gets to choose how the money is spent and no accountability.

I actually love men, I just hate terrible humans. I consider men who don’t step up to raise their kids terrible humans.

Majority of men take care of their kids. Majority of men would take full custody with no child support if they could.

The same is true of women. The fact is that most custodial parents of either sex get token CS and sometimes have trouble collecting even that. I think the difference is in the attitude toward NCPs who don’t pay. When dads don’t do it, the assumption is that he can’t pay or that he has reason to not trust the mom. But if the mom doesn’t do it, she’s just cold hearted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

LOL so I take it you quit your job and stayed home with your child on your custody days?

My kids live with me and yes I did quit. When my step kids visited we switched off and used leave. We both do appointments. One physical, two dental, eye exam yearly plus anything else. My husband has a very flexible job so it’s a nonissue.

DP. Amazing. I totally pegged you were a resentful, jealous stepmother, and turns out I was right. Keep defending deadbeat dads, honey. And I am still happily married to the DH I met at 22, so I have no ex to worry about. I just look around at the grim reality of the divorced moms I see around me and their deadbeat exes, and I can spot resentful golddiggers like you a mile away.

How am I a gold digger. I feel bad for your kids give you make such judgements and not looking at the other side. I have paid far more for kids that were not mine than their mother ever did. I bought their clothing, plane tickets and more as my husbands ex got child support and alimony for years including years after it should have been over until he took him to court for more and the judge cut her off. You have no clue what some dads go through and it’s women like you are why the men walk away because you are so mean and vengeful.

Just stop. The vast majority of of parenting work is done by mothers. And that continues after divorce. I am still married to my only husband (20 years now) and I hope and pray that we will stay together. He is a great dad. Does whatever I ask, rearranges his schedule, spends time with them etc. But I know who picks up the slack and makes the long term plans (physical, emotional, educational). Once I push for something to be examined, he is happy to think about it and work on it with me. His ideas and solutions are often better than mine. But who would do this stuff if we were separated? Still me. And he if he were resentful toward me, would he be less willing to cooperate? I hope he is a bigger man than that, but so many divorced men are not, it seems to me.

My teen DD has a friend who comes from a split family. She likes both her mom and dad. And doesn’t seem to mind her stepmom. But when it comes to the parent who seems to be swallowing the most to keep the kids’ needs in the forefront, it is always the mom. And this dynamic is fairly common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

LOL so I take it you quit your job and stayed home with your child on your custody days?

My kids live with me and yes I did quit. When my step kids visited we switched off and used leave. We both do appointments. One physical, two dental, eye exam yearly plus anything else. My husband has a very flexible job so it’s a nonissue.

DP. Amazing. I totally pegged you were a resentful, jealous stepmother, and turns out I was right. Keep defending deadbeat dads, honey. And I am still happily married to the DH I met at 22, so I have no ex to worry about. I just look around at the grim reality of the divorced moms I see around me and their deadbeat exes, and I can spot resentful golddiggers like you a mile away.

How am I a gold digger. I feel bad for your kids give you make such judgements and not looking at the other side. I have paid far more for kids that were not mine than their mother ever did. I bought their clothing, plane tickets and more as my husbands ex got child support and alimony for years including years after it should have been over until he took him to court for more and the judge cut her off. You have no clue what some dads go through and it’s women like you are why the men walk away because you are so mean and vengeful.

Just keep digging yourself in. You make yourself sound more like a resentful golddigger with every post. I feel sorry for your stepkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

LOL so I take it you quit your job and stayed home with your child on your custody days?

My kids live with me and yes I did quit. When my step kids visited we switched off and used leave. We both do appointments. One physical, two dental, eye exam yearly plus anything else. My husband has a very flexible job so it’s a nonissue.

DP. Amazing. I totally pegged you were a resentful, jealous stepmother, and turns out I was right. Keep defending deadbeat dads, honey. And I am still happily married to the DH I met at 22, so I have no ex to worry about. I just look around at the grim reality of the divorced moms I see around me and their deadbeat exes, and I can spot resentful golddiggers like you a mile away.

How am I a gold digger. I feel bad for your kids give you make such judgements and not looking at the other side. I have paid far more for kids that were not mine than their mother ever did. I bought their clothing, plane tickets and more as my husbands ex got child support and alimony for years including years after it should have been over until he took him to court for more and the judge cut her off. You have no clue what some dads go through and it’s women like you are why the men walk away because you are so mean and vengeful.

Just keep digging yourself in. You make yourself sound more like a resentful golddigger with every post. I feel sorry for your stepkids.

My husband had zero money, zero savings when I met him. Good try. I feel bad for them too given how their mom is and she destroyed the family and did only the minimum. I guess we can be great full that she did not abuse them like she did her boyfriends kids who got removed by cps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

LOL so I take it you quit your job and stayed home with your child on your custody days?

My kids live with me and yes I did quit. When my step kids visited we switched off and used leave. We both do appointments. One physical, two dental, eye exam yearly plus anything else. My husband has a very flexible job so it’s a nonissue.

DP. Amazing. I totally pegged you were a resentful, jealous stepmother, and turns out I was right. Keep defending deadbeat dads, honey. And I am still happily married to the DH I met at 22, so I have no ex to worry about. I just look around at the grim reality of the divorced moms I see around me and their deadbeat exes, and I can spot resentful golddiggers like you a mile away.

How am I a gold digger. I feel bad for your kids give you make such judgements and not looking at the other side. I have paid far more for kids that were not mine than their mother ever did. I bought their clothing, plane tickets and more as my husbands ex got child support and alimony for years including years after it should have been over until he took him to court for more and the judge cut her off. You have no clue what some dads go through and it’s women like you are why the men walk away because you are so mean and vengeful.

Just stop. The vast majority of of parenting work is done by mothers. And that continues after divorce. I am still married to my only husband (20 years now) and I hope and pray that we will stay together. He is a great dad. Does whatever I ask, rearranges his schedule, spends time with them etc. But I know who picks up the slack and makes the long term plans (physical, emotional, educational). Once I push for something to be examined, he is happy to think about it and work on it with me. His ideas and solutions are often better than mine. But who would do this stuff if we were separated? Still me. And he if he were resentful toward me, would he be less willing to cooperate? I hope he is a bigger man than that, but so many divorced men are not, it seems to me.

My teen DD has a friend who comes from a split family. She likes both her mom and dad. And doesn’t seem to mind her stepmom. But when it comes to the parent who seems to be swallowing the most to keep the kids’ needs in the forefront, it is always the mom. And this dynamic is fairly common.

That is so bs. My husband does half. I see dads at school pick up, drop off, coordinating play dates, driving to activities, Cub Scout and Boy Scout leaders and more. You may have married a slacker but many of us married good responsible men. If you are posting here slamming dads he is not really a great dad as something is wrong. I have no worry if I cannot my husband would do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually you are not paying Mom, you are providing child support for the child. The issue is many moms think it is a payment to them and anything extra Dad pays for is for the kids.

This always makes me laugh because it is at the basis of the deadbeats thought process. No need for further explanations this is it. It’s a control thing. Reality Child as money maker said no one ever. Kids are an incredible suck of time and resources.

I feel bad for your kids as you hate all men. It’s controlling that mom gets to choose how the money is spent and no accountability.

I actually love men, I just hate terrible humans. I consider men who don’t step up to raise their kids terrible humans.

Majority of men take care of their kids. Majority of men would take full custody with no child support if they could.

The same is true of women. The fact is that most custodial parents of either sex get token CS and sometimes have trouble collecting even that. I think the difference is in the attitude toward NCPs who don’t pay. When dads don’t do it, the assumption is that he can’t pay or that he has reason to not trust the mom. But if the mom doesn’t do it, she’s just cold hearted.

If dads don’t pay what mom demands, above court orders he is a deadbeat. If mom does not pay, she was screwed by dad and it’s ok he do it all. Many moms who get good child support scream dads are still dead rats as it’s never enough and they don’t care they are also supposed to contribute. Like the title says, why don’t you pay mom? It’s not a payment to or for mom. It is a payment for dads portion of the kids needs.

[Anonymous]

You keep derailing the conversation. My question is to those who have joint custody. If mom is paying for insurance, necessities, clothes, etc. why not just pay her half the insurance cost as a decent human? If you are supposed to pay CS why not pay it? All other stories can start their own threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a deadbeat. He told me he refused to pay because my mom would only waste the money on clothes and shoes.

It was true that IF he had paid child support, then she would not have had to have born the whole cost of raising me alone, and that would have freed up money in our budget for her to buy things for herself. But she would never have bought shoes for herself if she had not already bought them for me (and put a roof over my head, paid for food, etc.).

It was just an excuse. As it really was, my dad inherited over a million from his parents but was destitute (commodities trading) when he died. My mom worked in pink collar jobs her whole life, was homeless for awhile, and still managed to leave me a six-figure inheritance when she died.

The moral of the story, OP, is that you aren't going to get a deadbeat dad on here who will be willing to justify his actions because they all know there is no justification. It's not a logical decision, it's an emotional one. My dad wanted to get even with my mom for leaving him. Simple as that.

That is awful for you and your mom! Sorry you went through that.

[Anonymous]

When children ceased being virtually inevitable due to birth control, many (not all) men started to deeply believe, probably in ways they cannot fully articulate, that children should be women's problems at the end of the day, including the very basic, traditionally masculine role of providing for them. Children are optional and when couples "opt" for them and the couple part doesn't work out, many men believe that the mother should bear the brunt.

I once took a class from an economics professor who did research on economics within family life. He did some study that demonstrated that men support whoever they are currently sleeping with and her children to an extent equal or greater than their own biological offspring. In other words, at least financially, they treated their step children better than their biological children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When children ceased being virtually inevitable due to birth control, many (not all) men started to deeply believe, probably in ways they cannot fully articulate, that children should be women's problems at the end of the day, including the very basic, traditionally masculine role of providing for them. Children are optional and when couples "opt" for them and the couple part doesn't work out, many men believe that the mother should bear the brunt.

I once took a class from an economics professor who did research on economics within family life. He did some study that demonstrated that men support whoever they are currently sleeping with and her children to an extent equal or greater than their own biological offspring. In other words, at least financially, they treated their step children better than their biological children.

This is fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Stepmom PP, the fact that your DH’s ex is a bad person does not mean deadbeats are not. Yes there are terrible moms but that’s not an excuse to defend the deadbeat dads.
My ex refused to pay 50% on many occasions because he thinks he already pays a ton. And because he doesn’t think it’s necessary. Can’t wait for the ortho treatment to begin, yay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom PP, the fact that your DH’s ex is a bad person does not mean deadbeats are not. Yes there are terrible moms but that’s not an excuse to defend the deadbeat dads.
My ex refused to pay 50% on many occasions because he thinks he already pays a ton. And because he doesn’t think it’s necessary. Can’t wait for the ortho treatment to begin, yay.

He should only pay 50% if he was court ordered. He isn't a deadbeat if he is paying what is court ordered.