BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does not sound like you have an invitation in hand yet. Until you know that your children are actually invited you don't need to decide. If your children are not invited then you get an easy pass to stay home with them. If they are invited I would let your FIL pay for the trip. As others have said this is your husband's only brother. You are showing your kids how you want them to treat each other.

I am very into family and literally every vacation I've taken for the past 5 years, since having kids, has been to visit family. I drove 10 hours to Michigan for my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration with a 3 year old and a carsick 4 month old. And it was awful. And everyone said they couldn't believe we did that although they were grateful. Guess what I learned from that? Family can be reasonable.

In this situation I would send just the DH. The expense and difficulty factor are too much. My cousins recently skipped a major family wedding because of expense and issues with young kids. No one held it against them. Sure, there was regret that they couldn't come, and they were missed, but a wedding is one day. It's not a referendum on how the relationship will be for the rest of your life -- or it shouldn't be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does not sound like you have an invitation in hand yet. Until you know that your children are actually invited you don't need to decide. If your children are not invited then you get an easy pass to stay home with them. If they are invited I would let your FIL pay for the trip. As others have said this is your husband's only brother. You are showing your kids how you want them to treat each other.

I am very into family and literally every vacation I've taken for the past 5 years, since having kids, has been to visit family. I drove 10 hours to Michigan for my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration with a 3 year old and a carsick 4 month old. And it was awful. And everyone said they couldn't believe we did that although they were grateful. Guess what I learned from that? Family can be reasonable.

In this situation I would send just the DH. The expense and difficulty factor are too much. My cousins recently skipped a major family wedding because of expense and issues with young kids. No one held it against them. Sure, there was regret that they couldn't come, and they were missed, but a wedding is one day. It's not a referendum on how the relationship will be for the rest of your life -- or it shouldn't be.

I get that, but this is DH’s only brother. As in literally the #1 wedding in his LIFE for the family to suck it up for including wife (and kids, if able to and invited). Yes, in this case it is a referendum on the relationship. It shows that his only immediate family besides his parents couldn’t bother to support him for his first wedding. That would hurt most anyone’s feelings, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are absolutely justified in staying home on the basis that you can't afford it. However, if FIL pays the way you really don't have an excuse anymore and you should suck it up and go. Note that part of sucking it up is putting on a happy face and not letting anyone know how much you didn't want to be there.

I agree with this. Keep your judgements and criticism to yourself and smile and enjoy the wedding.

If FIL isn't paying. Stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
It does not sound like you have an invitation in hand yet. Until you know that your children are actually invited you don't need to decide. If your children are not invited then you get an easy pass to stay home with them. If they are invited I would let your FIL pay for the trip. As others have said this is your husband's only brother. You are showing your kids how you want them to treat each other.


I am very into family and literally every vacation I've taken for the past 5 years, since having kids, has been to visit family. I drove 10 hours to Michigan for my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration with a 3 year old and a carsick 4 month old. And it was awful. And everyone said they couldn't believe we did that although they were grateful. Guess what I learned from that? Family can be reasonable.

In this situation I would send just the DH. The expense and difficulty factor are too much. My cousins recently skipped a major family wedding because of expense and issues with young kids. No one held it against them. Sure, there was regret that they couldn't come, and they were missed, but a wedding is one day. It's not a referendum on how the relationship will be for the rest of your life -- or it shouldn't be.


I get that, but this is DH’s only brother. As in literally the #1 wedding in his LIFE for the family to suck it up for including wife (and kids, if able to and invited). Yes, in this case it is a referendum on the relationship. It shows that his only immediate family besides his parents couldn’t bother to support him for his first wedding. That would hurt most anyone’s feelings, I think.

No he would not! It would hurt YOUR feelings because you value the event and a wedding is a big deal to you. The wedding is not a big deal to BIL. He will not be hurt.

Some people are VERY into weddings. Some people are just interested in the marriage do the wedding things out of obligation to their family, their future spouse or just because this what people do. They could care less whether you come to support them or not because it isn't something where they feel they need support.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Wow, lots of strong responses which is exactly why I asked!

To further clarify, we *really* can't afford the cost. We live a in a cramped condo that needs a lot of work. We are desparately trying to save to move into something more suited for a family, in an ok school district but are struggling to cover the cost of the repairs required before we could even list it. I've only been on a plane once in the last 10 years and the tickets were a gift. Our family vacations typically consist of driving to see family. Our big splurge this year was 3 days at a DelMarVa beach.

As for the details about BIL, yes, I am not his biggest fan. There's a lot of history there - lying, theft - that has nothing to do with me and has resulted in trust issues and a lack of closeness between the brothers. DH was surprised he was asked to be in the wedding party, but his brother doesn't have many friends and his fiancée wants a large group to match hers. I don't think BIL would care at all if we weren't there. There are also a bunch of aunts, uncles, and other extended family that will attend. I guess my thinking is that if BIL doesn't even want to attend his own wedding, why should I compromise my family's future to be there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.

No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?

Nope. I took many vacations, but I wouldn’t push my kids to fly with a time change to attend an adult event for only a few days AND blow all my vacation budget on it. That’s just ridiculous.

THEIR UNCLE!!!! Not some stranger.

It is their uncle. And we don’t even know if the children are invited to the wedding.

The brother should go. It’s perfectly reasonable for the wife to stay home with the kids. If BIL ever has kids he will understand then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
It does not sound like you have an invitation in hand yet. Until you know that your children are actually invited you don't need to decide. If your children are not invited then you get an easy pass to stay home with them. If they are invited I would let your FIL pay for the trip. As others have said this is your husband's only brother. You are showing your kids how you want them to treat each other.


I am very into family and literally every vacation I've taken for the past 5 years, since having kids, has been to visit family. I drove 10 hours to Michigan for my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration with a 3 year old and a carsick 4 month old. And it was awful. And everyone said they couldn't believe we did that although they were grateful. Guess what I learned from that? Family can be reasonable.

In this situation I would send just the DH. The expense and difficulty factor are too much. My cousins recently skipped a major family wedding because of expense and issues with young kids. No one held it against them. Sure, there was regret that they couldn't come, and they were missed, but a wedding is one day. It's not a referendum on how the relationship will be for the rest of your life -- or it shouldn't be.


I get that, but this is DH’s only brother. As in literally the #1 wedding in his LIFE for the family to suck it up for including wife (and kids, if able to and invited). Yes, in this case it is a referendum on the relationship. It shows that his only immediate family besides his parents couldn’t bother to support him for his first wedding. That would hurt most anyone’s feelings, I think.

No he would not! It would hurt YOUR feelings because you value the event and a wedding is a big deal to you. The wedding is not a big deal to BIL. He will not be hurt.

Some people are VERY into weddings. Some people are just interested in the marriage do the wedding things out of obligation to their family, their future spouse or just because this what people do. They could care less whether you come to support them or not because it isn't something where they feel they need support.

Are you the OP. If so, why did you even post if you're so sure about what you need to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Wow, lots of strong responses which is exactly why I asked!

To further clarify, we *really* can't afford the cost. We live a in a cramped condo that needs a lot of work. We are desparately trying to save to move into something more suited for a family, in an ok school district but are struggling to cover the cost of the repairs required before we could even list it. I've only been on a plane once in the last 10 years and the tickets were a gift. Our family vacations typically consist of driving to see family. Our big splurge this year was 3 days at a DelMarVa beach.

As for the details about BIL, yes, I am not his biggest fan. There's a lot of history there - lying, theft - that has nothing to do with me and has resulted in trust issues and a lack of closeness between the brothers. DH was surprised he was asked to be in the wedding party, but his brother doesn't have many friends and his fiancée wants a large group to match hers. I don't think BIL would care at all if we weren't there. There are also a bunch of aunts, uncles, and other extended family that will attend. I guess my thinking is that if BIL doesn't even want to attend his own wedding, why should I compromise my family's future to be there?

How are you and DH not close to his brother at all but somehow you are just so sure he’s not into it at all? Just because he doesn’t really care about the planning doesn’t mean he doesn’t care and/or want you there. I don’t know, it feels really presumptuous to make all of those assumptions if you are insisting you’re not at all close. Something is not adding up here.

What does your DH want you to do? It seems that he should lead the decision-making here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
It does not sound like you have an invitation in hand yet. Until you know that your children are actually invited you don't need to decide. If your children are not invited then you get an easy pass to stay home with them. If they are invited I would let your FIL pay for the trip. As others have said this is your husband's only brother. You are showing your kids how you want them to treat each other.


I am very into family and literally every vacation I've taken for the past 5 years, since having kids, has been to visit family. I drove 10 hours to Michigan for my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration with a 3 year old and a carsick 4 month old. And it was awful. And everyone said they couldn't believe we did that although they were grateful. Guess what I learned from that? Family can be reasonable.

In this situation I would send just the DH. The expense and difficulty factor are too much. My cousins recently skipped a major family wedding because of expense and issues with young kids. No one held it against them. Sure, there was regret that they couldn't come, and they were missed, but a wedding is one day. It's not a referendum on how the relationship will be for the rest of your life -- or it shouldn't be.


I get that, but this is DH’s only brother. As in literally the #1 wedding in his LIFE for the family to suck it up for including wife (and kids, if able to and invited). Yes, in this case it is a referendum on the relationship. It shows that his only immediate family besides his parents couldn’t bother to support him for his first wedding. That would hurt most anyone’s feelings, I think.

No he would not! It would hurt YOUR feelings because you value the event and a wedding is a big deal to you. The wedding is not a big deal to BIL. He will not be hurt.

Some people are VERY into weddings. Some people are just interested in the marriage do the wedding things out of obligation to their family, their future spouse or just because this what people do. They could care less whether you come to support them or not because it isn't something where they feel they need support.

Are you the OP. If so, why did you even post if you're so sure about what you need to do?

Nope, not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Wow, lots of strong responses which is exactly why I asked!

To further clarify, we *really* can't afford the cost. We live a in a cramped condo that needs a lot of work. We are desparately trying to save to move into something more suited for a family, in an ok school district but are struggling to cover the cost of the repairs required before we could even list it. I've only been on a plane once in the last 10 years and the tickets were a gift. Our family vacations typically consist of driving to see family. Our big splurge this year was 3 days at a DelMarVa beach.

As for the details about BIL, yes, I am not his biggest fan. There's a lot of history there - lying, theft - that has nothing to do with me and has resulted in trust issues and a lack of closeness between the brothers. DH was surprised he was asked to be in the wedding party, but his brother doesn't have many friends and his fiancée wants a large group to match hers. I don't think BIL would care at all if we weren't there. There are also a bunch of aunts, uncles, and other extended family that will attend. I guess my thinking is that if BIL doesn't even want to attend his own wedding, why should I compromise my family's future to be there?

How are you and DH not close to his brother at all but somehow you are just so sure he’s not into it at all? Just because he doesn’t really care about the planning doesn’t mean he doesn’t care and/or want you there. I don’t know, it feels really presumptuous to make all of those assumptions if you are insisting you’re not at all close. Something is not adding up here.

What does your DH want you to do? It seems that he should lead the decision-making here.

Also, to add, if a bunch of extended family is making the effort to be there, it’s going to look really weird if DH’s wife and kids aren’t there. He’s going to have to deal with a lot of questions. If FIL will pay, I just really don’t think you have an excuse, no matter how many you want to make up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Wow, lots of strong responses which is exactly why I asked!

To further clarify, we *really* can't afford the cost. We live a in a cramped condo that needs a lot of work. We are desparately trying to save to move into something more suited for a family, in an ok school district but are struggling to cover the cost of the repairs required before we could even list it. I've only been on a plane once in the last 10 years and the tickets were a gift. Our family vacations typically consist of driving to see family. Our big splurge this year was 3 days at a DelMarVa beach.

As for the details about BIL, yes, I am not his biggest fan. There's a lot of history there - lying, theft - that has nothing to do with me and has resulted in trust issues and a lack of closeness between the brothers. DH was surprised he was asked to be in the wedding party, but his brother doesn't have many friends and his fiancée wants a large group to match hers. I don't think BIL would care at all if we weren't there. There are also a bunch of aunts, uncles, and other extended family that will attend. I guess my thinking is that if BIL doesn't even want to attend his own wedding, why should I compromise my family's future to be there?

In your situation, I would have your husband talk to his brother about the wedding. He can explain now, while it is early enough to plan according to the conversation, that you two cannot afford the wedding and that traveling plus time change will be hard on the kids. He can ask whether the kids will be included and he can ask how his brother would feel if you and the kids stayed home while his brother came to the wedding alone. Then, instead of speculating about what you think he would care about or not care about, you husband will have his brother's actual feelings and discussion to decide on the best course of action. If he comes away finding that while his brother doesn't care about the details and planning of the wedding, he does care about his family being there for him, then your husband can ask his father if his father will help him with the cost of plane tickets to bring the family to the wedding. Right now, you are trying to guess what your future BIL thinks based on his prior actions and life. You are making big assumptions since you admit that he is not that close to you or his brother. And you are trying to base your response on what you think he wants. At this point, you have more speculation than fact to make your decision. The easiest and best thing to do is for the brothers to actually talk and figure this out together while they both still have time to plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

You could've skipped all the extra explanation. You can't afford for the whole family to go. Send DH alone. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m attending my brother’s wedding solo. We have a 1 and 3 year old. It’s an 8-hrs flight; 3 hr time change; and taking place at an expensive, adults-only resort.

Nope.

And this is relevant how? Or you posted just so you could feel important?

[Anonymous]

We have small kids under 5. Just about every wedding I've attended in the last few years and I went solo, while DW and kids stayed at home. It wasn't cost, but it's just a big hassle to take a bunch of kids on a long trip.

[Anonymous]

This is your DH's IMMEDIATE family (not step, not cousin, not half, etc.), and that person's FIRST marriage (not second, third, fourth, whatever).

Whether or not you like them is not relevant, because you are supposed to act like an adult, not a petulant child.

OP, suck it up and go. If you and the kids have to leave after two hours and go back to the hotel, that is fine, but at least make the effort. It is not your day!