BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?

[Anonymous]

“Hey Brad, is it important to you and your soon to be wife that Larla and the kids are here too or does it not really matter? It’s looking like it will be difficult to bring everybody but if it would be a big deal to you guys we will try really hard to make it work.” Obviously this has to come from DH to his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband went solo to his sisters wedding recently and you would not believe the blowback we got from his side of the family. Everyone was shocked that we wouldn’t drag our 1, 3, and 5 year old on a 24+ journey with a 10.5 hour time difference to attend this wedding because FAMILY.

Your situation isn’t as extreme but I definitely wouldn’t feel obligated to go.

The reason that many of us feel you have to go for FAMILY, is that big events such as weddings and funerals are often the only times you get the whole extended family together and one of the few chances for people who otherwise not get to meet the youngest and newest members of the family to meet them. And while I can understand not attending if you are estranged from some part of your family and avoiding some people, otherwise, it is important for the family members to attend if there are extended family members who might want a chance to meet the children/cousins/nieces/nephews and may not see them otherwise. Think of it like a way to get a lot of family obligations out of the way at once.

I know that this doesn't cover everyone, but it is a reason why people who have extended families (siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) who don't regularly see those relatives feel the obligation to attend such functions. Also, it isn't always just for you and your husband. In some cases, it also helps out your in-laws, like your FIL and MIL who have extended family and allows them to show off their grandchildren to those extended family members. So it helps them fulfill their family obligations as well.

If you don't feel the family obligations and don't feel the need to help your husband, BIL and FIL with their family obligations at such an important event, then don't feel too slighted if they don't give much of an obligation to acknowledge your priorities. And don't feel too bothered if your husband and your children aren't prioritized by BIL and FIL in the future. They may feel that obviously you don't want to maintain family ties and may do the same.

And while I can understand not feeling the obligation for second or successive marriages, this is still BIL's first marriage and the only time you really have such a big family obligation to attend. So, it is essentially a once-in-a-lifetime obligation that you make the effort to acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband went solo to his sisters wedding recently and you would not believe the blowback we got from his side of the family. Everyone was shocked that we wouldn’t drag our 1, 3, and 5 year old on a 24+ journey with a 10.5 hour time difference to attend this wedding because FAMILY.

Your situation isn’t as extreme but I definitely wouldn’t feel obligated to go.

The reason that many of us feel you have to go for FAMILY, is that big events such as weddings and funerals are often the only times you get the whole extended family together and one of the few chances for people who otherwise not get to meet the youngest and newest members of the family to meet them. And while I can understand not attending if you are estranged from some part of your family and avoiding some people, otherwise, it is important for the family members to attend if there are extended family members who might want a chance to meet the children/cousins/nieces/nephews and may not see them otherwise. Think of it like a way to get a lot of family obligations out of the way at once.

I know that this doesn't cover everyone, but it is a reason why people who have extended families (siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) who don't regularly see those relatives feel the obligation to attend such functions. Also, it isn't always just for you and your husband. In some cases, it also helps out your in-laws, like your FIL and MIL who have extended family and allows them to show off their grandchildren to those extended family members. So it helps them fulfill their family obligations as well.

If you don't feel the family obligations and don't feel the need to help your husband, BIL and FIL with their family obligations at such an important event, then don't feel too slighted if they don't give much of an obligation to acknowledge your priorities. And don't feel too bothered if your husband and your children aren't prioritized by BIL and FIL in the future. They may feel that obviously you don't want to maintain family ties and may do the same.

And while I can understand not feeling the obligation for second or successive marriages, this is still BIL's first marriage and the only time you really have such a big family obligation to attend. So, it is essentially a once-in-a-lifetime obligation that you make the effort to acknowledge.

As someone with a big family, I get this. But you know what I also get? That sometimes it just doesn't work. My cousin was literally the only adult grandchild (of 6) not to attend a huge family wedding/reunion a couple years ago. He had a work thing and couldn't make it. We missed him and there was some grumbling because other people canceled their plans or dragged their family across the country to go. But no one severed ties over it or anything. And when he got married last year most people still went, except two cousins with small kids who decided not to. And they were missed but no one is severing ties with them either.

I have a friend whose family is like you describe -- things are all or nothing and everything is life or death and you get hassled and harassed if you don't make it to every freaking event because FAMILY. My family all enjoy each other's company a lot more than hers does. In fact, she enjoys my family's company more than her own. Because it's not a competition and there is room for compassion and understanding and forgiveness, and everything is not a tit-for-tat.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.

No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?

Nope. I took many vacations, but I wouldn’t push my kids to fly with a time change to attend an adult event for only a few days AND blow all my vacation budget on it. That’s just ridiculous.

THEIR UNCLE!!!! Not some stranger.

An uncle they don’t know. Plus many people don’t want young kids at a wedding.

1) I have a feeling OP is a big reason they don’t know him.

2) if that’s the case, the point is moot

Where do you get that OP’s kids don’t know him from? She says they see him a few times a year. Not being able to afford it is a totally reasonable excuse; if your FIL offers to pay, you have to go. It’s that simple.

She said FIL's money comes with strings attached. That could be a factor depending on what the strings are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband went solo to his sisters wedding recently and you would not believe the blowback we got from his side of the family. Everyone was shocked that we wouldn’t drag our 1, 3, and 5 year old on a 24+ journey with a 10.5 hour time difference to attend this wedding because FAMILY.

Your situation isn’t as extreme but I definitely wouldn’t feel obligated to go.

The reason that many of us feel you have to go for FAMILY, is that big events such as weddings and funerals are often the only times you get the whole extended family together and one of the few chances for people who otherwise not get to meet the youngest and newest members of the family to meet them. And while I can understand not attending if you are estranged from some part of your family and avoiding some people, otherwise, it is important for the family members to attend if there are extended family members who might want a chance to meet the children/cousins/nieces/nephews and may not see them otherwise. Think of it like a way to get a lot of family obligations out of the way at once.

I know that this doesn't cover everyone, but it is a reason why people who have extended families (siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) who don't regularly see those relatives feel the obligation to attend such functions. Also, it isn't always just for you and your husband. In some cases, it also helps out your in-laws, like your FIL and MIL who have extended family and allows them to show off their grandchildren to those extended family members. So it helps them fulfill their family obligations as well.

If you don't feel the family obligations and don't feel the need to help your husband, BIL and FIL with their family obligations at such an important event, then don't feel too slighted if they don't give much of an obligation to acknowledge your priorities. And don't feel too bothered if your husband and your children aren't prioritized by BIL and FIL in the future. They may feel that obviously you don't want to maintain family ties and may do the same.

And while I can understand not feeling the obligation for second or successive marriages, this is still BIL's first marriage and the only time you really have such a big family obligation to attend. So, it is essentially a once-in-a-lifetime obligation that you make the effort to acknowledge.

As someone with a big family, I get this. But you know what I also get? That sometimes it just doesn't work. My cousin was literally the only adult grandchild (of 6) not to attend a huge family wedding/reunion a couple years ago. He had a work thing and couldn't make it. We missed him and there was some grumbling because other people canceled their plans or dragged their family across the country to go. But no one severed ties over it or anything. And when he got married last year most people still went, except two cousins with small kids who decided not to. And they were missed but no one is severing ties with them either.

I have a friend whose family is like you describe -- things are all or nothing and everything is life or death and you get hassled and harassed if you don't make it to every freaking event because FAMILY. My family all enjoy each other's company a lot more than hers does. In fact, she enjoys my family's company more than her own. Because it's not a competition and there is room for compassion and understanding and forgiveness, and everything is not a tit-for-tat.

There's a big difference between having a work commitment you can't get out of and not going because you just don't feel like it and don't like the groom. In this case, OP has no real reason, other than she doesn't like her BIL and is looking for any excuse to blow off the wedding of her husband's only brother. Notice everyone else who didn't have a hard excuse made the effort to cancel other plans and drag their families across the country for a big event.

The one time I think it is fine to use the "small kids" excuse is if you made one such big family gathering and just aren't up to doing it all over again. So, if you've already done the "show up and show off your kids/grandkids" family obligation, it is okay to elect not to go to another such big family gathering for the next few years.

[Anonymous]

The one time I think it is fine to use the "small kids" excuse is if you made one such big family gathering and just aren't up to doing it all over again. So, if you've already done the "show up and show off your kids/grandkids" family obligation, it is okay to elect not to go to another such big family gathering for the next few years.

Does travel time/distance factor into this? For example, my family (spouse and 3 kids) live on the opposite side of the globe from my extended family. It is a 36 hour journey and a 10.5 time difference. We’ve only visited once since having kids because the journey was so grueling with an infant, toddler, and preschooler, all of whole struggled to sleep on the various plane rides and then dealt with jet lag for weeks afterward. Family is welcome to visit us while we’re in this stage!

[Anonymous]

Op - ignore the haters. Have your DH talk to his brother and say something like this: "Larlo, I am so excited to come and be a part of your big day - thanks for asking me and I feel very honored. Given the difficulties of traveling with small kids, Susie and the kids won't be able to make it, but that just means you can put me to work more and I'll be able to rally for the after-party. Can't wait."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a big difference between having a work commitment you can't get out of and not going because you just don't feel like it and don't like the groom. In this case, OP has no real reason, other than she doesn't like her BIL and is looking for any excuse to blow off the wedding of her husband's only brother. Notice everyone else who didn't have a hard excuse made the effort to cancel other plans and drag their families across the country for a big event.

The one time I think it is fine to use the "small kids" excuse is if you made one such big family gathering and just aren't up to doing it all over again. So, if you've already done the "show up and show off your kids/grandkids" family obligation, it is okay to elect not to go to another such big family gathering for the next few years.

Different poster here. I did get the sense that OP didn’t want to go because she doesn’t like BIL. That said, we don’t know if the wedding is really a family reunion style event where kids are welcome or if OP and her spouse would need to get a babysitter. At my BIL wedding there were no kids other than the kids involved in the wedding. My kids were flower girls otherwise we might not have all gone because then I would have needed my parents to travel to me to watch the kids under age 5 so we could travel elsewhere. If her kids aren’t in the wedding and it isn’t a kid friendly event, I see no reason to travel cross country at significant expense to go. If the BIL wants one of the kids in the wedding or it is a kid friendly event where he really wants his nieces/nephews there then I would suck it up and ask FIL to help out with the expense and go with a smile. Basically no reason to be a martyr if BIL could care less if the kids are there but I am I am willing to go to things that are logically inconvenient that I don’t want to do IF I know it is really appreciated by that person - regardless of past history.