BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?

[Anonymous]

DH's immediate family is small. His parents divorced fairly early and he only has one sibling, his late-forties older brother. Despite living in the same city, we only see BIL a few times a year at family events and they are not close. He's been in a more relationships than I can count over the last 20 years and always maintained that he never wanted to marry. He's also a "failure to launch" type of guy who's adult life has been one poor choice after the next - arrests, DUIs, bankruptcies, etc. He's a decent guy at heart, just so, so immature and unstable.

He is now engaged to a women literally half his age who wants a very traditional wedding in her hometown across the country. He is completely not into it and has made it very clear that he doesn't want to be involved in a single step of the planning, other than just showing up on the day. While I guess it shows a bit of rare selflessness on his part (?) that he would compromise his wishes for this woman, they have nothing in common and the whole thing has a weird vibe about it.

Our family (DH, me and 2 young kids) will be invited to attend. Initially we thought we would, but after pricing out airfare, hotel, etc. we've realized that it is way beyond our budget. We can't even even afford to fly for our personal vacations! Our kids aren't good travelers and we have no options as far as babysitting to leave them at home. The last complication is that BIL just asked DH to be in his wedding party. He sprung it on him in front of a group of people and really put him on the spot to say yes, which he uncomfortably did.

Would it be awful if DH attends on his own and I stay home with the kids? The catch 22 is that DH's father is wealthy and would probably offer to help with the costs if we say we can't afford it. We've always tried to avoid taking money from him because of the strings that come with it and this event is certainly not worth the stress of it all to me or DH. Am I a huge b*tch for opting out of this?

[Anonymous]

I mean yeah, to be honest you sound super b*tchy and judgmental, but you clearly don’t like the guy. Just own it. Is it a crappy thing to do not to go to your BIL’s first wedding? Sure, but you do you.

[Anonymous]

Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.

[Anonymous]

So you really have no excuse not to attend but basically are trying to invent one and you want us to tell you it's ok?

He is your husband's BROTHER. You suck it up and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.

No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?

[Anonymous]

It is absolutely OK. We had a similar situation and sent only husband.

[Anonymous]

I think you are absolutely justified in staying home on the basis that you can't afford it. However, if FIL pays the way you really don't have an excuse anymore and you should suck it up and go. Note that part of sucking it up is putting on a happy face and not letting anyone know how much you didn't want to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.

No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?

It's a 3 hour time difference, since you couldn't be bothered to read the initial post. Who wants to spend $$ to fly a family of 4 to CA or similar for a weekend? In a similar situation, we declined. It was rough on the one adult who attended.

[Anonymous]

At least you and DH should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.

No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?

It's a 3 hour time difference, since you couldn't be bothered to read the initial post. Who wants to spend $$ to fly a family of 4 to CA or similar for a weekend? In a similar situation, we declined. It was rough on the one adult who attended.

I read. So what if it's a 3 hours difference? Everyone will recover and be just fine in no time. Fly a day early to acclimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.

No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?

Nope. I took many vacations, but I wouldn’t push my kids to fly with a time change to attend an adult event for only a few days AND blow all my vacation budget on it. That’s just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's fine. Not sure what all these mean comments are. You have young kids, your family is not that close with him. I would stay home and send the husband.

[Anonymous]

It would have been much more defensible if you hadn't spent most of your post trashing BIL and his wedding.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. It is not a big deal to your BIL and he is much older. Your DH can go but it is perfectly reasonable to say you just can not afford it.

If your FIL really wants you to go let him offer to pay. Politely turn it down the first time and only accept if he insists. This is the best way to avoid strings.

If you really think that your kids can't handle the trip then do not go regardless of who pays.

[Anonymous]

Why all of the unnecessary details? Bottom line, your husband’s only brother is getting married in his fiancés hometown. This is a totally normal situation for which you’d want to suck it up and support your family. Yet you’re aghast that, for example, DH’s brother would dare ask him to be in his wedding? I’m not understanding the outrage here. It doesn’t help to make you look better for wanting to skip...just petty.