BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you saying that your BIL doesn't want to attend his own wedding? So, he is not interested in wedding planning. I can not think of one man, in the probably close to a hundred weddings I have been to, that has been into wedding planning. Your reasons don't make sense.

I know plenty of guys that would gladly pay for the wedding if they didn't have to get involved in the photographer and other choices. It does NOT mean that they don't look forward to their special day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean yeah, to be honest you sound super b*tchy and judgmental, but you clearly don’t like the guy. Just own it. Is it a crappy thing to do not to go to your BIL’s first wedding? Sure, but you do you.

And you sound super bitchy and stupid if you think some I should go into debt to attend somebody’s wedding

[Anonymous]

See now this is why Americans are loaded down with so much unnecessary debt!
all these people claiming that just because you are related you are somehow you have to go into debt, spend money you cannot afford money, you don’t have to attend somebody’s event that they came up with.
Not their funeral, not a medical bill, not some emergency medical issue but to attend a wedding .
They must be smoking the biggest crack rock ever made

[Anonymous]

I’m most interested to know why you don’t know the difference between women and woman.

[Anonymous]

Send husband, stay home, keep saving. If FIL offers to pay, let him pay and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does not sound like you have an invitation in hand yet. Until you know that your children are actually invited you don't need to decide. If your children are not invited then you get an easy pass to stay home with them. If they are invited I would let your FIL pay for the trip. As others have said this is your husband's only brother. You are showing your kids how you want them to treat each other.

I am very into family and literally every vacation I've taken for the past 5 years, since having kids, has been to visit family. I drove 10 hours to Michigan for my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration with a 3 year old and a carsick 4 month old. And it was awful. And everyone said they couldn't believe we did that although they were grateful. Guess what I learned from that? Family can be reasonable.

In this situation I would send just the DH. The expense and difficulty factor are too much. My cousins recently skipped a major family wedding because of expense and issues with young kids. No one held it against them. Sure, there was regret that they couldn't come, and they were missed, but a wedding is one day. It's not a referendum on how the relationship will be for the rest of your life -- or it shouldn't be.

I get that, but this is DH’s only brother. As in literally the #1 wedding in his LIFE for the family to suck it up for including wife (and kids, if able to and invited). Yes, in this case it is a referendum on the relationship. It shows that his only immediate family besides his parents couldn’t bother to support him for his first wedding. That would hurt most anyone’s feelings, I think.

I agree with you. And I agree with the PP who said OP is looking for a reason not to go. She talks about that she is saving money. So it sounds a bit disingenuous that she blames money for not going. This is her husbands only brother. Weddings are really important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does not sound like you have an invitation in hand yet. Until you know that your children are actually invited you don't need to decide. If your children are not invited then you get an easy pass to stay home with them. If they are invited I would let your FIL pay for the trip. As others have said this is your husband's only brother. You are showing your kids how you want them to treat each other.

I am very into family and literally every vacation I've taken for the past 5 years, since having kids, has been to visit family. I drove 10 hours to Michigan for my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration with a 3 year old and a carsick 4 month old. And it was awful. And everyone said they couldn't believe we did that although they were grateful. Guess what I learned from that? Family can be reasonable.

In this situation I would send just the DH. The expense and difficulty factor are too much. My cousins recently skipped a major family wedding because of expense and issues with young kids. No one held it against them. Sure, there was regret that they couldn't come, and they were missed, but a wedding is one day. It's not a referendum on how the relationship will be for the rest of your life -- or it shouldn't be.

I get that, but this is DH’s only brother. As in literally the #1 wedding in his LIFE for the family to suck it up for including wife (and kids, if able to and invited). Yes, in this case it is a referendum on the relationship. It shows that his only immediate family besides his parents couldn’t bother to support him for his first wedding. That would hurt most anyone’s feelings, I think.

I agree with you. And I agree with the PP who said OP is looking for a reason not to go. She talks about that she is saving money. So it sounds a bit disingenuous that she blames money for not going. This is her husbands only brother. Weddings are really important.

To YOU

[Anonymous]

For a friend or cousin, it’s okay if just DH goes. For a brother, you all go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why all of the unnecessary details? Bottom line, your husband’s only brother is getting married in his fiancés hometown. This is a totally normal situation for which you’d want to suck it up and support your family. Yet you’re aghast that, for example, DH’s brother would dare ask him to be in his wedding? I’m not understanding the outrage here. It doesn’t help to make you look better for wanting to skip...just petty.

+!. I think it was also very nice to invite the kids. It is the first wedding of your husband's only brother. It is a one time thing. Go and support him regardless of your personal feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP what does your DH want to do? You seem very sketcyin your description of not being close yet ‘knowing’ BIL doesn’t want to attend his own wedding? If this were a second, third, whatever-another discussion but this is someone who’s apparently messed up in the past but is now changed enough to be marrying someone who he loves enough to go through big traditional wedding. It would seem like you’d want to support your DH only brother in this major life event but just need to denigrate him to justify your selfishness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m attending my brother’s wedding solo. We have a 1 and 3 year old. It’s an 8-hrs flight; 3 hr time change; and taking place at an expensive, adults-only resort.

Nope.

Your brother decided for you though. It is at an adults only resort. He would have been annoyed if you did bring the kids. He had it at an adults only resort so no one could bring their kids. Completely different scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what does your DH want to do? You seem very sketcyin your description of not being close yet ‘knowing’ BIL doesn’t want to attend his own wedding? If this were a second, third, whatever-another discussion but this is someone who’s apparently messed up in the past but is now changed enough to be marrying someone who he loves enough to go through big traditional wedding. It would seem like you’d want to support your DH only brother in this major life event but just need to denigrate him to justify your selfishness

+1

It's all about OP. OP, do them all a favor and keep your ugly mug home. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m attending my brother’s wedding solo. We have a 1 and 3 year old. It’s an 8-hrs flight; 3 hr time change; and taking place at an expensive, adults-only resort.

Nope.

Your brother decided for you though. It is at an adults only resort. He would have been annoyed if you did bring the kids. He had it at an adults only resort so no one could bring their kids. Completely different scenario.

He expects me to bring the kids and just stay at some other resort.

I posted to let OP know that there are others who have made the decision to not bring their family to their siblings’ wedding. It’s OK if just her husband goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does not sound like you have an invitation in hand yet. Until you know that your children are actually invited you don't need to decide. If your children are not invited then you get an easy pass to stay home with them. If they are invited I would let your FIL pay for the trip. As others have said this is your husband's only brother. You are showing your kids how you want them to treat each other.

I am very into family and literally every vacation I've taken for the past 5 years, since having kids, has been to visit family. I drove 10 hours to Michigan for my grandfather's 90th birthday celebration with a 3 year old and a carsick 4 month old. And it was awful. And everyone said they couldn't believe we did that although they were grateful. Guess what I learned from that? Family can be reasonable.

In this situation I would send just the DH. The expense and difficulty factor are too much. My cousins recently skipped a major family wedding because of expense and issues with young kids. No one held it against them. Sure, there was regret that they couldn't come, and they were missed, but a wedding is one day. It's not a referendum on how the relationship will be for the rest of your life -- or it shouldn't be.

I get that, but this is DH’s only brother. As in literally the #1 wedding in his LIFE for the family to suck it up for including wife (and kids, if able to and invited). Yes, in this case it is a referendum on the relationship. It shows that his only immediate family besides his parents couldn’t bother to support him for his first wedding. That would hurt most anyone’s feelings, I think.

I agree with you. And I agree with the PP who said OP is looking for a reason not to go. She talks about that she is saving money. So it sounds a bit disingenuous that she blames money for not going. This is her husbands only brother. Weddings are really important.

To YOU

Weddings are important but they're not all-important. Of course DH should go, as it's his brother. That does not mean the whole family needs to go if it is extremely inconvenient or too expensive. Sometimes things just don't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could've skipped all the extra explanation. You can't afford for the whole family to go. Send DH alone. End of story.

And you sound super bitchy and stupid if you think some I should go into debt to attend somebody’s wedding

See now this is why Americans are loaded down with so much unnecessary debt!
all these people claiming that just because you are related you are somehow you have to go into debt, spend money you cannot afford money, you don’t have to attend somebody’s event that they came up with.
Not their funeral, not a medical bill, not some emergency medical issue but to attend a wedding .
They must be smoking the biggest crack rock ever made

All of you seem to have read only half of the OP (which is understandable considering how long it was), but you still seem like your response was TL;DR.

OP said that if they mentioned it, her FIL, who has a lot of money, would pay for what they could not afford. So, they don't need to go into debt for this. OP does not want to be indebted to her FIL just for a wedding that she doesn't want to go to. But the fact that her FIL would pay for at least the plane tickets it not the plane tickets and the resort fees, takes the financial concern out of the picture.

It's family and her husband's only sibling and the first time he is getting married. And he's asked his brother (OP's husband) to be in the wedding party. For this, you suck it up, let FIL pay for the trip, with whatever guilty parent strings he wants to attach and you go to the wedding. If not, you both deserve to be cut off from BIL and FIL and his wealth. Because you deliberately turned your back on a sibling when you didn't need to. It is a selfish decision to refuse to ask FIL for help to attend the wedding just to get out of it. Don't expect that side of the family to come to you if you reach out to them in the future because you chose to be unnecessarily rude on a special family occasion.