Clueless biracial nephew

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound NUTS and CRAZY! Leave him alone. I personally avoid toxic people like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here: Exactly this. I’ve been a victim of racism. Racism is very much alive and it hurts my head that he can’t see how he perpetuates the cycle by staying silent or acting like he is the exception. He isn’t. Another reason I moved to be close by is because his wife and him have been struggling to conceive. They are thinking of adopting. They’ve talked of adopting a biracial or black child. I just listen but hurt knowing that this child needs parents who are woke. My nephew does look to me for advice a lot but this whole racism issue and his lack of understanding baffles me. I moved to be close to him for support and he very appreciates it and even wants me to be involved if they go this route. His MIL is currently battling her own demons and his mother never grew out of some immature traits, so they want me to help them because they trust me and I don’t have baggage. I also never had children of my own but because I have time and love, they accept.

It is not your nephew's burden to eradicate racism by "speaking out" or act ANY way but how HE wants. He is allowed the freedom to live his life as he chooses, not as liberal white people think black people should act.

And your use of the word "woke" reveals just how absurd you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So when they adopt, if they choose to and their kid faces bigots and they don’t know how to handle the issue or play it off due to some other reason, then what? Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to acknowledging racism exist and not staying silent and allowing it.

If they reach out to family members to discuss it, then that's a great opening. Otherwise, you are simply looking for trouble. I get the sense that you don't have a lot going on in your own life. Maybe get some hobbies.

this, this, this
It sounds like OP is looking for a hobby and has decided her nephew will be it. He is a grown adult, OP. Unless he approaches you to discuss these issues, leave the man alone. If you push your own personal impressions upon you, I promise you you will not achieve the result you obviously desire. BTDT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are moving back to be close to an adult nephew who has his own family? You say he was your best friend?

That sounds kind of unhealthy.

Also given that it sounds like he is currently happy, your plan to try to make him feel hurt, victimized, and angry seems really kind of cruel. Your belief that you know better and that his ignorant bliss needs to be destroyed sounds like your relationship with him will sour quickly. So he isn't the angry black man you want him to be...he gets to live his life and you get to live yours. He may not be as ignorant as you think. He may have just chosen to see the world through a different lens.

This. Leave this poor man alone. It seems you wont be happy until you destroy his happiness. What is wrong with you?

Racism deniers. You’re part of the problem.

-signed, another POC

I've a feeling you're much more part of the problem then the people you allege as racism deniers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So when they adopt, if they choose to and their kid faces bigots and they don’t know how to handle the issue or play it off due to some other reason, then what? Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to acknowledging racism exist and not staying silent and allowing it.

Except your nephew seems to have done fine, and perhaps he thinks his experiences will be beneficial in this area.

It's also possible your nephew doesn't particularly want to identify as a black man since a black man abandoned him. My DH's dad abandoned the family, and my DH has some similar behaviors regarding his dad. You can't solve that problem for your nephew. I don't think it would necessarily be a bad idea to suggest he consider some therapy before having kids though, that kind of situation can mess you up, especially when your own kids arrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: All I do is ask questions. I listen. I don’t point and I want him to come to me first. But part of me wants to help him understand but I’m not sure how until he opens his eyes.

You want him to understand that he is the victim of racism when he feels that he has not been the victim of racism. And you're frustrated by that.

Because he has been and probably is in his current everyday living and he can’t see it. His own MIL not accepting him for years is an example. He really thought it was because of his job or his personality-until it came to light that it was due to his race. What don’t you get about that?

Hmm. Look at the family forum. There are plenty of people who have terrible relationship with inlaws (from both sides) and race has nothing to do with it. Then the OP even admits her nephew now has a good relationship with his MIL, so what's the problem?

The young man seems capable enough of living his own life and all I see is the OP projecting her own problems and issues on him. The OP, like some people, apparently sees *everything* through the prism of racism even if in many cases it may very well have nothing to do with race. The sad thing about today's angry world is how many people continue to believe everything must be attributed to racism as if it is somehow different form the whole range of human interaction and judgment that are just as discriminatory but wholly ignore it while portraying race as the sole evil.

If the young man feels he living a good life and is happy, then what is the problem? It sounds like OP is upset because her nephew isn't as angry and judgmental as she is.

OP here: Can’t you read ? The MIL flat out admitted it was her bigotry. Why can’t you read between the lines that it wasn’t my guess, it was her admitting this. That’s why she had hostility all those years. It wasn’t an assumption. Of course he forgave her. He isn’t going to hold it against her. But that is why I want to help him see if wasn’t the first time nor will it be the last time he will face issues because of his race. You sound like another racism denier.

The problem is you are making a huge amount of assumptions, both about your nephew, his inlaws and other posters on this forum, because you only care about one thing, seeing racism in everything and how everything must be explained because of racism and that if you perceive a hint of racism in something it overrules everything else. But it is your problem, not your nephew's problem. At the end of the day people are not perfect. Nobody is. And this includes you. You exhibit the lack of forgiveness and tolerance I see in your nephew, based your account of him. Meanwhile, I only see intolerance and judgment in you. You think you're a warrior out to save the world by trying to make people "woke" in the evils you see as evils. But guess what, that's not how it works.

Your nephew seems like someone who has accepted life is imperfect, and has worked to maintain good relationships with people on a personal level regardless of whatever imperfections they may have, that has likely been much more meaningful in changing any bad beliefs or behavior than your lecturing and judgmental attitudes. Your nephew's MIL may not have liked him initially because of the color of his skin, but it seems like she learned from him and is likely a better person now because of it. And she's learned far more about humans than some angry harridan screaming in her face about how racist she is.

As a consequence your nephew seems to be much more content and even happy, compared to you. I think you should learn a thing or two from your nephew instead of lecturing him and badgering him.

[Anonymous]

Why meddle in his perfectly happy life?

I have friends and family members whose views I may not agree with. When we meet, I dont' take it as my job to show them why my views are better and more accurate. Instead, we enjoy our time together and still have plenty to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As a consequence your nephew seems to be much more content and even happy, compared to you. I think you should learn a thing or two from your nephew instead of lecturing him and badgering him.

Agreed. Nephew seems to be content with his life, has a loving spouse, and maybe kids on the way.

OP has none of that, but feels the need to make nephew realize his life is not perfect, according to OP's measure of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: All I do is ask questions. I listen. I don’t point and I want him to come to me first. But part of me wants to help him understand but I’m not sure how until he opens his eyes.

You want him to understand that he is the victim of racism when he feels that he has not been the victim of racism. And you're frustrated by that.

Because he has been and probably is in his current everyday living and he can’t see it. His own MIL not accepting him for years is an example. He really thought it was because of his job or his personality-until it came to light that it was due to his race. What don’t you get about that?

Hmm. Look at the family forum. There are plenty of people who have terrible relationship with inlaws (from both sides) and race has nothing to do with it. Then the OP even admits her nephew now has a good relationship with his MIL, so what's the problem?

The young man seems capable enough of living his own life and all I see is the OP projecting her own problems and issues on him. The OP, like some people, apparently sees *everything* through the prism of racism even if in many cases it may very well have nothing to do with race. The sad thing about today's angry world is how many people continue to believe everything must be attributed to racism as if it is somehow different form the whole range of human interaction and judgment that are just as discriminatory but wholly ignore it while portraying race as the sole evil.

If the young man feels he living a good life and is happy, then what is the problem? It sounds like OP is upset because her nephew isn't as angry and judgmental as she is.

OP here: Can’t you read ? The MIL flat out admitted it was her bigotry. Why can’t you read between the lines that it wasn’t my guess, it was her admitting this. That’s why she had hostility all those years. It wasn’t an assumption. Of course he forgave her. He isn’t going to hold it against her. But that is why I want to help him see if wasn’t the first time nor will it be the last time he will face issues because of his race. You sound like another racism denier.

You sound like the equivalent of mansplaining but for race. So he now knows that racism has affected his life in one way. Ok. But if he doesn’t feel it’s affected him in other ways, who are you to tell him otherwise?

I am Jewish and female. I have never, to my knowledge, experienced sexism or antisemitism in my 16 years in the workplace. I obviously know others do but if you tri d to convince me I had experienced them personally, without firsthand knowledge, I wouldn’t be too inclined to appreciate it either. My individual experience may be different from what statistics might predict and you don’t know my reality. So too with your nephew. If he has a problem or a question he can come to you. Othwerwise you have no business trying to explain to a grown man that he is wrong about his own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: All I do is ask questions. I listen. I don’t point and I want him to come to me first. But part of me wants to help him understand but I’m not sure how until he opens his eyes.

You want him to understand that he is the victim of racism when he feels that he has not been the victim of racism. And you're frustrated by that.

Because he has been and probably is in his current everyday living and he can’t see it. His own MIL not accepting him for years is an example. He really thought it was because of his job or his personality-until it came to light that it was due to his race. What don’t you get about that?

Hmm. Look at the family forum. There are plenty of people who have terrible relationship with inlaws (from both sides) and race has nothing to do with it. Then the OP even admits her nephew now has a good relationship with his MIL, so what's the problem?

The young man seems capable enough of living his own life and all I see is the OP projecting her own problems and issues on him. The OP, like some people, apparently sees *everything* through the prism of racism even if in many cases it may very well have nothing to do with race. The sad thing about today's angry world is how many people continue to believe everything must be attributed to racism as if it is somehow different form the whole range of human interaction and judgment that are just as discriminatory but wholly ignore it while portraying race as the sole evil.

If the young man feels he living a good life and is happy, then what is the problem? It sounds like OP is upset because her nephew isn't as angry and judgmental as she is.

OP here: Can’t you read ? The MIL flat out admitted it was her bigotry. Why can’t you read between the lines that it wasn’t my guess, it was her admitting this. That’s why she had hostility all those years. It wasn’t an assumption. Of course he forgave her. He isn’t going to hold it against her. But that is why I want to help him see if wasn’t the first time nor will it be the last time he will face issues because of his race. You sound like another racism denier.

The problem is you are making a huge amount of assumptions, both about your nephew, his inlaws and other posters on this forum, because you only care about one thing, seeing racism in everything and how everything must be explained because of racism and that if you perceive a hint of racism in something it overrules everything else. But it is your problem, not your nephew's problem. At the end of the day people are not perfect. Nobody is. And this includes you. You exhibit the lack of forgiveness and tolerance I see in your nephew, based your account of him. Meanwhile, I only see intolerance and judgment in you. You think you're a warrior out to save the world by trying to make people "woke" in the evils you see as evils. But guess what, that's not how it works.

Your nephew seems like someone who has accepted life is imperfect, and has worked to maintain good relationships with people on a personal level regardless of whatever imperfections they may have, that has likely been much more meaningful in changing any bad beliefs or behavior than your lecturing and judgmental attitudes. Your nephew's MIL may not have liked him initially because of the color of his skin, but it seems like she learned from him and is likely a better person now because of it. And she's learned far more about humans than some angry harridan screaming in her face about how racist she is.

As a consequence your nephew seems to be much more content and even happy, compared to you. I think you should learn a thing or two from your nephew instead of lecturing him and badgering him.

You said this so perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are moving back to be close to an adult nephew who has his own family? You say he was your best friend?

That sounds kind of unhealthy.

Also given that it sounds like he is currently happy, your plan to try to make him feel hurt, victimized, and angry seems really kind of cruel. Your belief that you know better and that his ignorant bliss needs to be destroyed sounds like your relationship with him will sour quickly. So he isn't the angry black man you want him to be...he gets to live his life and you get to live yours. He may not be as ignorant as you think. He may have just chosen to see the world through a different lens.

This. Leave this poor man alone. It seems you wont be happy until you destroy his happiness. What is wrong with you?

Racism deniers. You’re part of the problem.

-signed, another POC

Oh, please. No one is denying that racism exists. You just don’t have to be a martyr every second of the day.

-yet another POC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP’s point is maybe in part that her nephew has his head in the sand. As do many people. And anyone who negates the idea of systemic racism contributes to it. Maybe he walks around saying “Race isn’t really an issue in 2019,” which would be a problem.

+1

Maybe he just hates being the biracial nephew instead of the beloved nephew and keeps his own counsel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are moving back to be close to an adult nephew who has his own family? You say he was your best friend?

That sounds kind of unhealthy.

Also given that it sounds like he is currently happy, your plan to try to make him feel hurt, victimized, and angry seems really kind of cruel. Your belief that you know better and that his ignorant bliss needs to be destroyed sounds like your relationship with him will sour quickly. So he isn't the angry black man you want him to be...he gets to live his life and you get to live yours. He may not be as ignorant as you think. He may have just chosen to see the world through a different lens.

+1 everything said here

[Anonymous]

The idea of racism has been thrown around so much that it’s now white noise...no pun intended. I don’t blame your nephew for just living his life. And I’m not sure how his angry aunt moving expressly to live near her adult and married nephew isn’t anything but strange and intrusive. Is your goal to break up his marriage?

[Anonymous]

So are you the sister to his mom or his absent father?