Clueless biracial nephew

[Anonymous]

Lives in DC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: All I do is ask questions. I listen. I don’t point and I want him to come to me first. But part of me wants to help him understand but I’m not sure how until he opens his eyes.

You want him to understand that he is the victim of racism when he feels that he has not been the victim of racism. And you're frustrated by that.

Exactly. OP in fact has TONS of baggage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s already old enough to be married, he’ll never get it. My coworker is like this. He’s got almost identical stats to your nephew. White mom. Black dad out of the picture early on. Raised in Vermont. Married a white woman from another very non-diverse area of NE. He acts shocked when people include him when discussing staff who are people of color (trust me, it’s relevant to something occurring) and says he doesn’t think of himself THAT WAY. Plans to raise his children colorblind. Even when we’ve pointed out to him how his own life has been impacted by policies and prejudices, he plays the apologist. I used to think he was trolling us. Nope, he’s just in denial as a coping mechanism.

That’s sad and scary. He really thinks he’s immune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP’s point is maybe in part that her nephew has his head in the sand. As do many people. And anyone who negates the idea of systemic racism contributes to it. Maybe he walks around saying “Race isn’t really an issue in 2019,” which would be a problem.

OP here: Exactly this. I’ve been a victim of racism. Racism is very much alive and it hurts my head that he can’t see how he perpetuates the cycle by staying silent or acting like he is the exception. He isn’t. Another reason I moved to be close by is because his wife and him have been struggling to conceive. They are thinking of adopting. They’ve talked of adopting a biracial or black child. I just listen but hurt knowing that this child needs parents who are woke. My nephew does look to me for advice a lot but this whole racism issue and his lack of understanding baffles me. I moved to be close to him for support and he very appreciates it and even wants me to be involved if they go this route. His MIL is currently battling her own demons and his mother never grew out of some immature traits, so they want me to help them because they trust me and I don’t have baggage. I also never had children of my own but because I have time and love, they accept.

Be careful you are not smothering him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here: Exactly this. I’ve been a victim of racism. Racism is very much alive and it hurts my head that he can’t see how he perpetuates the cycle by staying silent or acting like he is the exception. He isn’t. Another reason I moved to be close by is because his wife and him have been struggling to conceive. They are thinking of adopting. They’ve talked of adopting a biracial or black child. I just listen but hurt knowing that this child needs parents who are woke. My nephew does look to me for advice a lot but this whole racism issue and his lack of understanding baffles me. I moved to be close to him for support and he very appreciates it and even wants me to be involved if they go this route. His MIL is currently battling her own demons and his mother never grew out of some immature traits, so they want me to help them because they trust me and I don’t have baggage. I also never had children of my own but because I have time and love, they accept.

You've been out of the country up until now. So you're experience of racism in a different country isn't going to be convincing to him. I'm not sure how relevant your experience is to him, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP’s point is maybe in part that her nephew has his head in the sand. As do many people. And anyone who negates the idea of systemic racism contributes to it. Maybe he walks around saying “Race isn’t really an issue in 2019,” which would be a problem.

OP here: Exactly this. I’ve been a victim of racism. Racism is very much alive and it hurts my head that he can’t see how he perpetuates the cycle by staying silent or acting like he is the exception. He isn’t. Another reason I moved to be close by is because his wife and him have been struggling to conceive. They are thinking of adopting. They’ve talked of adopting a biracial or black child. I just listen but hurt knowing that this child needs parents who are woke. My nephew does look to me for advice a lot but this whole racism issue and his lack of understanding baffles me. I moved to be close to him for support and he very appreciates it and even wants me to be involved if they go this route. His MIL is currently battling her own demons and his mother never grew out of some immature traits, so they want me to help them because they trust me and I don’t have baggage. I also never had children of my own but because I have time and love, they accept.

OP, I believe that your heart is in the right place as you obviously love your nephew. But your nephew is not your own personal "project" and there is much I am reading in between the lines that you wrote that you like to have such projects. Be careful you do not ruin your relationship with him as you really do not know what his truth is.

[Anonymous]

You are moving back to be close to an adult nephew who has his own family? You say he was your best friend?

That sounds kind of unhealthy.

Also given that it sounds like he is currently happy, your plan to try to make him feel hurt, victimized, and angry seems really kind of cruel. Your belief that you know better and that his ignorant bliss needs to be destroyed sounds like your relationship with him will sour quickly. So he isn't the angry black man you want him to be...he gets to live his life and you get to live yours. He may not be as ignorant as you think. He may have just chosen to see the world through a different lens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: All I do is ask questions. I listen. I don’t point and I want him to come to me first. But part of me wants to help him understand but I’m not sure how until he opens his eyes.

You want him to understand that he is the victim of racism when he feels that he has not been the victim of racism. And you're frustrated by that.

Because he has been and probably is in his current everyday living and he can’t see it. His own MIL not accepting him for years is an example. He really thought it was because of his job or his personality-until it came to light that it was due to his race. What don’t you get about that?

Hmm. Look at the family forum. There are plenty of people who have terrible relationship with inlaws (from both sides) and race has nothing to do with it. Then the OP even admits her nephew now has a good relationship with his MIL, so what's the problem?

The young man seems capable enough of living his own life and all I see is the OP projecting her own problems and issues on him. The OP, like some people, apparently sees *everything* through the prism of racism even if in many cases it may very well have nothing to do with race. The sad thing about today's angry world is how many people continue to believe everything must be attributed to racism as if it is somehow different form the whole range of human interaction and judgment that are just as discriminatory but wholly ignore it while portraying race as the sole evil.

If the young man feels he living a good life and is happy, then what is the problem? It sounds like OP is upset because her nephew isn't as angry and judgmental as she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: All I do is ask questions. I listen. I don’t point and I want him to come to me first. But part of me wants to help him understand but I’m not sure how until he opens his eyes.

You want him to understand that he is the victim of racism when he feels that he has not been the victim of racism. And you're frustrated by that.

Because he has been and probably is in his current everyday living and he can’t see it. His own MIL not accepting him for years is an example. He really thought it was because of his job or his personality-until it came to light that it was due to his race. What don’t you get about that?

Hmm. Look at the family forum. There are plenty of people who have terrible relationship with inlaws (from both sides) and race has nothing to do with it. Then the OP even admits her nephew now has a good relationship with his MIL, so what's the problem?

The young man seems capable enough of living his own life and all I see is the OP projecting her own problems and issues on him. The OP, like some people, apparently sees *everything* through the prism of racism even if in many cases it may very well have nothing to do with race. The sad thing about today's angry world is how many people continue to believe everything must be attributed to racism as if it is somehow different form the whole range of human interaction and judgment that are just as discriminatory but wholly ignore it while portraying race as the sole evil.

If the young man feels he living a good life and is happy, then what is the problem? It sounds like OP is upset because her nephew isn't as angry and judgmental as she is.

OP here: Can’t you read ? The MIL flat out admitted it was her bigotry. Why can’t you read between the lines that it wasn’t my guess, it was her admitting this. That’s why she had hostility all those years. It wasn’t an assumption. Of course he forgave her. He isn’t going to hold it against her. But that is why I want to help him see if wasn’t the first time nor will it be the last time he will face issues because of his race. You sound like another racism denier.

[Anonymous]

OP here: So when they adopt, if they choose to and their kid faces bigots and they don’t know how to handle the issue or play it off due to some other reason, then what? Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to acknowledging racism exist and not staying silent and allowing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are moving back to be close to an adult nephew who has his own family? You say he was your best friend?

That sounds kind of unhealthy.

Also given that it sounds like he is currently happy, your plan to try to make him feel hurt, victimized, and angry seems really kind of cruel. Your belief that you know better and that his ignorant bliss needs to be destroyed sounds like your relationship with him will sour quickly. So he isn't the angry black man you want him to be...he gets to live his life and you get to live yours. He may not be as ignorant as you think. He may have just chosen to see the world through a different lens.

This. Leave this poor man alone. It seems you wont be happy until you destroy his happiness. What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So when they adopt, if they choose to and their kid faces bigots and they don’t know how to handle the issue or play it off due to some other reason, then what? Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to acknowledging racism exist and not staying silent and allowing it.

If they reach out to family members to discuss it, then that's a great opening. Otherwise, you are simply looking for trouble. I get the sense that you don't have a lot going on in your own life. Maybe get some hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are moving back to be close to an adult nephew who has his own family? You say he was your best friend?

That sounds kind of unhealthy.

Also given that it sounds like he is currently happy, your plan to try to make him feel hurt, victimized, and angry seems really kind of cruel. Your belief that you know better and that his ignorant bliss needs to be destroyed sounds like your relationship with him will sour quickly. So he isn't the angry black man you want him to be...he gets to live his life and you get to live yours. He may not be as ignorant as you think. He may have just chosen to see the world through a different lens.

This. Leave this poor man alone. It seems you wont be happy until you destroy his happiness. What is wrong with you?

Racism deniers. You’re part of the problem.

-signed, another POC

[Anonymous]

I think some people of color refuse to acknowledge systemic racism because it is so much harder to deal with than just thinking that a specific individual being a bigot. We can say okay I have a teacher this year who has a problem with me but it’s one class for one year and then I’ll move on. It’s difficult, but we can tell ourselves that it’s just 10 months. That much easier to soldier on from than the idea that there are racist policies in our public school systems that will impact us for 13 years at minimum and impact our children, too if we don’t address them. The latter can feel insurmountable. Particularly if there are few people of color in your community. The work of dismantling systemic racism wasn’t meant to be done solo. If you live in a majority white area, white allies against racism will be especially important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are moving back to be close to an adult nephew who has his own family? You say he was your best friend?

That sounds kind of unhealthy.

Also given that it sounds like he is currently happy, your plan to try to make him feel hurt, victimized, and angry seems really kind of cruel. Your belief that you know better and that his ignorant bliss needs to be destroyed sounds like your relationship with him will sour quickly. So he isn't the angry black man you want him to be...he gets to live his life and you get to live yours. He may not be as ignorant as you think. He may have just chosen to see the world through a different lens.

This. Leave this poor man alone. It seems you wont be happy until you destroy his happiness. What is wrong with you?

Racism deniers. You’re part of the problem.

-signed, another POC

So. Much. this.