Clueless biracial nephew

[Anonymous]

OP, part of therapists’ training is in not knocking down a patient/client’s defenses before they’ve developed the capacity to deal with the issues they’re defending against. You are not trained in this. It may be true that this is an elaborate defense mechanism of denial on the part of your nephew, but you are in no way qualified to knock it away just because it seems ridiculous to you! Your nephew has a whole life constructed around his belief that he is “not really” a POC. If he suddenly sees himself differently, will he still fit into that life? Will his wife be down to follow him on that journey? Will his coworkers? His friends? His family?

Yes, be there for him if he comes to it on his own. Do not push him to a place he is not prepared to go! If he says “Can you believe people at work think I’m a POC?!?” You can say, “Well, you are biracial with [describe features], so I’m not entirely surprised they would think so.” Etc. Neutral, truthful, DON’T push.

[Anonymous]

OP, all I’m reading from your post is that you don’t find your biracial nephew to be somehow black enough for your liking.

He’s not clueless. He’s grown up as a POC in even what you deem to be a “whitewashed” environment. He’s negotiated his colour his whole life, and has chosen not to be angry, or whatever it is you feel he should be. Everyone has a different lived experience, and can choose how they want to deal with it. Yes, systemic racism is a problem, but he can choose to deal with it in his own way, and that would appear by killing them with patience, tolerance, perseverance, and kindness.

Not everything in life needs to be an angry tirade in order to effect change.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you moved to a new place and rather than focus on your life, you are focusing on his life. He managed on his own till now, why do you think he needs you to open his eyes or whatever you think you are doing? He probably forgave his ILS and moved on, and to keep family peace is going with some fib story. Some people have hearts that forgive, even if they don't forget. It sounds like out of lack of social life in your new town, you are using him to create drama and cause trouble in his life. Why? By all means his life sounds pretty good and happy, except for the new cloud that is you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a nephew that is so clueless about systemic racism and I wish he understood how it does impact him.
He grew up in a whitewashed neighborhood. Mother is white and father was absent. His wife is white and basically all of his friends are white.
He does have a sister but other than that no other POC near him. His aunt (my sister) who he is close to lives a state away. Anyways, for the longest time his MIL did not like him. He did not understand why. It came to light it was because of his race. Although biracial she saw him as a black man. They have a good relationship now but he was that clueless. I’ve recently moved into the area to be close to him. He was my buddy growing up but my career took me out of the country so I didn’t se him as often. I want to help him understand. But I’m not sure he gets it. I’m at a loss but I want to help him see he isn’t immune. *I know neither am I. Advice.

Advice: Leave him alone. He's a grown man. He's married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So when they adopt, if they choose to and their kid faces bigots and they don’t know how to handle the issue or play it off due to some other reason, then what? Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to acknowledging racism exist and not staying silent and allowing it.

This is what it's about. If it's a mixed/black kid - he and his spouse need to be prepared. I would say the same thing to a White/White couple. Not to mention hair care, etc. This are skills that must be possessed by trans-racial adoptive and birth parents. I don't think Nephew needs to be taught how racism has impacted him in retrospect, he just needs some basic learning for the sake of his own kids.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he's ignorant? I'm bi racial. I'm not stupid, I know the bigotry and racism ive seen. I'm not angry about it. I also brush it off to people who want me to be angry about it. Id never engage in discussion with you because you are like the type who wouldn't respect that I feel differently from you. I have talked about it with DH and friends who have experienced similar. So to you, I'm probably like your nephew. But I'm much more "woke" than you realize, I just don't want to get into that with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So when they adopt, if they choose to and their kid faces bigots and they don’t know how to handle the issue or play it off due to some other reason, then what? Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to acknowledging racism exist and not staying silent and allowing it.

This is what it's about. If it's a mixed/black kid - he and his spouse need to be prepared. I would say the same thing to a White/White couple. Not to mention hair care, etc. This are skills that must be possessed by trans-racial adoptive and birth parents. I don't think Nephew needs to be taught how racism has impacted him in retrospect, he just needs some basic learning for the sake of his own kids.

Agree.

My kids are biracial - asian/white. And we live in a really diverse area with lots of other biracial children of all kinds. But we live in a bubble, and my kids have no idea what it is like outside the bubble. As the nonwhite parent, I have started to share with them my experiences with racism, like having the words "go back to your own country" thrown at me. They were shocked. I let them know that one day, they may face this kind of racism. My innocent 14 yr old said to me, "But I'm white, too". I said, "You are part white, but you will be judged by what you look like, and you have Asian features, so you will be treated that way." Sad.

However, I do feel that given the nephew is an adult, unless OP's nephew seeks her advice, she should not force the issue. It's one thing to discuss general race issues with him, but I would not impose on him any supposed discrimination he has or will come across. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. He may also live in a bubble. If he comes across racism enough times in his life, he will get it.

Does he have any kids? Planning to? I think I would be frustrated, too, OP, but if he is not open to the idea that he and his children may indeed face racism one day, then there is not much you can or should do to force that reality on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So when they adopt, if they choose to and their kid faces bigots and they don’t know how to handle the issue or play it off due to some other reason, then what? Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to acknowledging racism exist and not staying silent and allowing it.

This is what it's about. If it's a mixed/black kid - he and his spouse need to be prepared. I would say the same thing to a White/White couple. Not to mention hair care, etc. This are skills that must be possessed by trans-racial adoptive and birth parents. I don't think Nephew needs to be taught how racism has impacted him in retrospect, he just needs some basic learning for the sake of his own kids.

Oh give me a break. It's a lot easier and more pleasant for the parent(s) to get a lesson from a nice professional lady (or gent) at a salon, or watch a highly rated Youtube video, than listen to a lecture from a bitter, invasive relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a nephew that is so clueless about systemic racism and I wish he understood how it does impact him.
He grew up in a whitewashed neighborhood. Mother is white and father was absent. His wife is white and basically all of his friends are white.
He does have a sister but other than that no other POC near him. His aunt (my sister) who he is close to lives a state away. Anyways, for the longest time his MIL did not like him. He did not understand why. It came to light it was because of his race. Although biracial she saw him as a black man. They have a good relationship now but he was that clueless. I’ve recently moved into the area to be close to him. He was my buddy growing up but my career took me out of the country so I didn’t se him as often. I want to help him understand. But I’m not sure he gets it. I’m at a loss but I want to help him see he isn’t immune. *I know neither am I. Advice.

You have a lot of hate and resentment. Pls get therapy. You look at everything through the lens of racism, hatred and victim hood no matter what will happen to you, your friends or your family members.
I do the same because I am Jewish and have holocaust survivors. It took a lot of therapy to get healthy. I thought everyone secretly hated me and plotted against me because of my race and religion, and be able to trust people of any color or religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a nephew that is so clueless about systemic racism and I wish he understood how it does impact him.
He grew up in a whitewashed neighborhood. Mother is white and father was absent. His wife is white and basically all of his friends are white.
He does have a sister but other than that no other POC near him. His aunt (my sister) who he is close to lives a state away. Anyways, for the longest time his MIL did not like him. He did not understand why. It came to light it was because of his race. Although biracial she saw him as a black man. They have a good relationship now but he was that clueless. I’ve recently moved into the area to be close to him. He was my buddy growing up but my career took me out of the country so I didn’t se him as often. I want to help him understand. But I’m not sure he gets it. I’m at a loss but I want to help him see he isn’t immune. *I know neither am I. Advice.

Trump Troll or Russian Trump Troll?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a nephew that is so clueless about systemic racism and I wish he understood how it does impact him.
He grew up in a whitewashed neighborhood. Mother is white and father was absent. His wife is white and basically all of his friends are white.
He does have a sister but other than that no other POC near him. His aunt (my sister) who he is close to lives a state away. Anyways, for the longest time his MIL did not like him. He did not understand why. It came to light it was because of his race. Although biracial she saw him as a black man. They have a good relationship now but he was that clueless. I’ve recently moved into the area to be close to him. He was my buddy growing up but my career took me out of the country so I didn’t se him as often. I want to help him understand. But I’m not sure he gets it. I’m at a loss but I want to help him see he isn’t immune. *I know neither am I. Advice.

You moved to be near a nephew so you could brainwash him with your personal view on hating life?
Get out of here. Toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are moving back to be close to an adult nephew who has his own family? You say he was your best friend?

That sounds kind of unhealthy.

Also given that it sounds like he is currently happy, your plan to try to make him feel hurt, victimized, and angry seems really kind of cruel. Your belief that you know better and that his ignorant bliss needs to be destroyed sounds like your relationship with him will sour quickly. So he isn't the angry black man you want him to be...he gets to live his life and you get to live yours. He may not be as ignorant as you think. He may have just chosen to see the world through a different lens.

+1000

This is not going to go well nor end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So when they adopt, if they choose to and their kid faces bigots and they don’t know how to handle the issue or play it off due to some other reason, then what? Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to acknowledging racism exist and not staying silent and allowing it.

MYOB.

You focus on yourself and raising your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most white people really won't get the intricacies of systemic racism. You're nephew, although biracial, is at this point a white person. White friends, white area, white spouse, and probably a white house. The only thing you can do is be there for him. Also OP, you are not angry or whatever these PPs are saying you are. You are just concerned for your nephew's well-being. A lot of biracial men who've never had black friends or black experiences live this kind of lifestyle, and they only really get in touch with their black side until something tragic happens. It is what is is.

His black side left him. Why would he seek to be like his father? He wants to be different from his father.

Same with Obama.

His father left and his richer white grandparents raised him and sent him to private k-12 school and Ivy League monitory seats thereafter. The system works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, all I’m reading from your post is that you don’t find your biracial nephew to be somehow black enough for your liking.

He’s not clueless. He’s grown up as a POC in even what you deem to be a “whitewashed” environment. He’s negotiated his colour his whole life, and has chosen not to be angry, or whatever it is you feel he should be. Everyone has a different lived experience, and can choose how they want to deal with it. Yes, systemic racism is a problem, but he can choose to deal with it in his own way, and that would appear by killing them with patience, tolerance, perseverance, and kindness.

Not everything in life needs to be an angry tirade in order to effect change.

DP, WTF??
I have no comment on OP’s situation but you are full of s***. Pointing out, rejecting and dealing head on with racism does not mean someone is “angry”
Who are you to tell someone that the way to deal with racism is for you to be kind. WTF are you telling racists that they need to do?
Do you tell raise victims that the way to deal with that is to be kind to their rapists???
At this point I think this entire thread was started by a troll intent on posting racist comments.
Sigh