Ex wants to move out of state-- what are the questions to ask and pitfalls to avoid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

I agree, but he should get half of summer break, not just a few weeks. Maybe 2/3's, but start negotiating with half of summer break.

How are 1/2's fair. That means he gets maybe 4 weeks out of 52.

How is it fair to the OP or the child that Dad chooses to move away from his kid and take on even less day to day responsibility for his child? And this is the Dad's choice in this case. It is not a "I have to move because I'll lose my job." or "I am in the military and I have to move." This is "I want to move because I like state X better. Dad is choosing to leave his kid behind.

So Mom is suppose to give up the more relaxed down time that comes on long weekends and vacation times because Dad has chosen to move away from his child? So the kid is required to give up relaxed time with friends and maybe activities he likes because his father choose to move away?

Maybe if Dad wants to spend time with his child, Dad should stay put. That way he would see his child more then 4 weeks out of 52.

Or you could blame the Mom and the kid for Dad having less time with the kid because Mom is being unreasonable in wanting to have some of that more relaxed time with her kid who she is taking care of 24/7, you know, parenting. The job both people signed up for and the Dad is moving away from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

I agree, but he should get half of summer break, not just a few weeks. Maybe 2/3's, but start negotiating with half of summer break.

How are 1/2's fair. That means he gets maybe 4 weeks out of 52.

How is it fair to the OP or the child that Dad chooses to move away from his kid and take on even less day to day responsibility for his child? And this is the Dad's choice in this case. It is not a "I have to move because I'll lose my job." or "I am in the military and I have to move." This is "I want to move because I like state X better. Dad is choosing to leave his kid behind.

So Mom is suppose to give up the more relaxed down time that comes on long weekends and vacation times because Dad has chosen to move away from his child? So the kid is required to give up relaxed time with friends and maybe activities he likes because his father choose to move away?

Maybe if Dad wants to spend time with his child, Dad should stay put. That way he would see his child more then 4 weeks out of 52.

Or you could blame the Mom and the kid for Dad having less time with the kid because Mom is being unreasonable in wanting to have some of that more relaxed time with her kid who she is taking care of 24/7, you know, parenting. The job both people signed up for and the Dad is moving away from.

You kind, considerate, open-minded people aren't considering that maybe "Dad" has a job (an income, etc) whose location is moving him elsewhere. He can (a) stay put and earn zero while he finds a new job, and maybe not as good of a job; or (b) move and get on with his life and still be able to be a financially supportive father.

This stuff happens all the time, nothing here is new. The minor is soon to not be a minor anymore, anyway. Blink and s/he will be 18.

They got divorced, it sucks. When two people are no longer a married couple this is always a possibility. I dont think there is any divorce document that can physically prevent someone from moving. People move, all the time.

[Anonymous]

reposing to PP above:

I would look for another job in a heartbeat rather than move away from my kid. Unless he is military and has no choice in the matter. Stop with the excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

I agree, but he should get half of summer break, not just a few weeks. Maybe 2/3's, but start negotiating with half of summer break.

And if OP's child wants to do a sport or marching band or other activity that requires attendance at summer practice?

Then you try to work it out. Kids with divorced/separated parents sometimes miss out. There’s no perfect solution, and a parent still gets to have access to their kid. It’s hard, unfair, and life happens. Even when parents live in the same area band/summer practices can be hard because both parents want to take the kids on vacation and so a good part of summer is taken up by that, and depending on a parents work schedule their schedules may not work with band or whatever.

You just do the best you can. No kid gets a perfect childhood.

Well, as someone who participated in an activity in high school that required summer practice, I think that sucks. At my school/activity, if you didn't come to summer practice, you didn't get to participate, no exceptions. I would have held a LOT of resentment towards a parent that insisted I miss out completely on that activity because I had to go out of state to visit HIM (or her) when HE (or she) chose to move there.
Think long term--yes the out of state parent might get the summer visits in high school, but do they want to be a part of the child's life once they reach adulthood?

Making sure to take visitation with your children IS thinking long term. If there is no relationship from your kids childhood because you didn't see them very much, you're unlikely to strengthen that bond when the kid/s are grown and have busy lives of their own. I don't know what to say about the activity issue, but I'm sure there are ways around it - does the child need to be in it ALL summer? Maybe visitation can be planned around it (at my school the summer sports started in August, not mid-June right when summer break started), maybe they get creative with long weekends, I don't know. I do know that parents have the right and responsibility to see their children, and that children are not entitled to perfect lives and childhoods without a single disruption or disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: How is it fair to the OP or the child that Dad chooses to move away from his kid and take on even less day to day responsibility for his child? And this is the Dad's choice in this case. It is not a "I have to move because I'll lose my job." or "I am in the military and I have to move." This is "I want to move because I like state X better. Dad is choosing to leave his kid behind.

So Mom is suppose to give up the more relaxed down time that comes on long weekends and vacation times because Dad has chosen to move away from his child? So the kid is required to give up relaxed time with friends and maybe activities he likes because his father choose to move away?

Maybe if Dad wants to spend time with his child, Dad should stay put. That way he would see his child more then 4 weeks out of 52.

Or you could blame the Mom and the kid for Dad having less time with the kid because Mom is being unreasonable in wanting to have some of that more relaxed time with her kid who she is taking care of 24/7, you know, parenting. The job both people signed up for and the Dad is moving away from.

You kind, considerate, open-minded people aren't considering that maybe "Dad" has a job (an income, etc) whose location is moving him elsewhere. He can (a) stay put and earn zero while he finds a new job, and maybe not as good of a job; or (b) move and get on with his life and still be able to be a financially supportive father.

This stuff happens all the time, nothing here is new. The minor is soon to not be a minor anymore, anyway. Blink and s/he will be 18.

They got divorced, it sucks. When two people are no longer a married couple this is always a possibility. I dont think there is any divorce document that can physically prevent someone from moving. People move, all the time.

I see that you missed the following post from the OP:

OP again. Does it change anyone's advice that the move is 100% Ex's choice? For years, he claimed he wasn't going anywhere until ds graduated high school. He admits that he doesn't have to move now, he just wants to.

I'm not against anyone living their "best life," but (as usual), Ex's improvements to his life make my life and our kid's life harder.

Dad is moving because Dad wants to, not because Dad has to. Dad had been saying he was going to stay in the area until the child graduated from high school but now Dad wants to move.

And divorce can prevent people from moving. My Brother wanted to move to a bordering state but wasn't able to because it violated the divorce agreement. He would have been able to see the kids, the time to get to him would have been the same, but if he moved he would have lost custody. Now, I am not a divorce attorney and I have no idea if he had an awful divorce attorney but divorce can prevent you from moving.

In this case, Dad is moving because Dad wants to and expects that his ex will just send his child to him for vacations. Woohoooo

[Anonymous]

OP you have it made. You'll be rid of him for good, courage his move! As for summers let her visit a couple of times, say 2 weeks here and there.

You can still plan vacation etc. with her. I really don't see a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

My ex moved across the country and I did everything. Didn't bother me at all. If I wanted kid free nights I found a babysitter. The truth is he's not invested in his child, his behavior has proven it. I agree about the summers. Allow the visit for a very limited time.

OP he's making it real easy for you and your child to move on. As your child becomes older he won't want to visit as much because of friends and other activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: How is it fair to the OP or the child that Dad chooses to move away from his kid and take on even less day to day responsibility for his child? And this is the Dad's choice in this case. It is not a "I have to move because I'll lose my job." or "I am in the military and I have to move." This is "I want to move because I like state X better. Dad is choosing to leave his kid behind.

So Mom is suppose to give up the more relaxed down time that comes on long weekends and vacation times because Dad has chosen to move away from his child? So the kid is required to give up relaxed time with friends and maybe activities he likes because his father choose to move away?

Maybe if Dad wants to spend time with his child, Dad should stay put. That way he would see his child more then 4 weeks out of 52.

Or you could blame the Mom and the kid for Dad having less time with the kid because Mom is being unreasonable in wanting to have some of that more relaxed time with her kid who she is taking care of 24/7, you know, parenting. The job both people signed up for and the Dad is moving away from.

You kind, considerate, open-minded people aren't considering that maybe "Dad" has a job (an income, etc) whose location is moving him elsewhere. He can (a) stay put and earn zero while he finds a new job, and maybe not as good of a job; or (b) move and get on with his life and still be able to be a financially supportive father.

This stuff happens all the time, nothing here is new. The minor is soon to not be a minor anymore, anyway. Blink and s/he will be 18.

They got divorced, it sucks. When two people are no longer a married couple this is always a possibility. I dont think there is any divorce document that can physically prevent someone from moving. People move, all the time.

I see that you missed the following post from the OP:

OP again. Does it change anyone's advice that the move is 100% Ex's choice? For years, he claimed he wasn't going anywhere until ds graduated high school. He admits that he doesn't have to move now, he just wants to.

I'm not against anyone living their "best life," but (as usual), Ex's improvements to his life make my life and our kid's life harder.

Dad is moving because Dad wants to, not because Dad has to. Dad had been saying he was going to stay in the area until the child graduated from high school but now Dad wants to move.

And divorce can prevent people from moving. My Brother wanted to move to a bordering state but wasn't able to because it violated the divorce agreement. He would have been able to see the kids, the time to get to him would have been the same, but if he moved he would have lost custody. Now, I am not a divorce attorney and I have no idea if he had an awful divorce attorney but divorce can prevent you from moving.

In this case, Dad is moving because Dad wants to and expects that his ex will just send his child to him for vacations. Woohoooo

The difference Mom has custody not Dad. Mom cannot just up and move, but Dad can. If OP doesn't want the responsibility, she can send kid to live with Dad. Or, stop complaining. If Dad wants to move, that's ok. If Mom wants to move and can continue the same level of contact, that should be allowed too. If Dad is barely involved, what difference does it make where he lives.

[Anonymous]

What a selfish father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a selfish father.

Many moms move and take the kid with them? Why is that ok? Dad is not doing 50/50 custody so he can easily get the same time in with summers and holidays. Why should he stay if he doesn't have 50/50 custody?

[Anonymous]

Your son will not want to leave his friends for the whole summer. Start negotiations at a month (4 weeks), and be open to 6 weeks as a compromise (since most summer breaks are around 10 weeks). You can decide if you want it in one lump or 2 (3 weeks there, then 4 with you, then 3 there).

Holidays are more tricky. I would volunteer Thanksgiving and spring break, but Christmas is huge in our house lol. If you have to give him some Christmas time too then maybe offer 4-5 days after Christmas day.

Best of luck OP, this stinks for sure.

[Anonymous]

We just went through this. Do EVERYTHING through lawyers/court. He, legally, is the one that should file to amend the custody and child support agreements. He absolutely should pay more and it will drastically change the numbers. A high school kid is not going to want to leave his hometown every summer and holiday.

We split winter break. The one that chose to move across the country gets the kids for 3 weeks in the summer, every other spring break, and every other fall break. On non-fall break years he gets them for Thanksgiving.If he wants to fly back to visit every other weekend or whatever then let him. On a schedule. He might take advantage of it.

Whatever you do, do not do this on your own. Use the law to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just went through this. Do EVERYTHING through lawyers/court. He, legally, is the one that should file to amend the custody and child support agreements. He absolutely should pay more and it will drastically change the numbers. A high school kid is not going to want to leave his hometown every summer and holiday.

We split winter break. The one that chose to move across the country gets the kids for 3 weeks in the summer, every other spring break, and every other fall break. On non-fall break years he gets them for Thanksgiving.If he wants to fly back to visit every other weekend or whatever then let him. On a schedule. He might take advantage of it.

Whatever you do, do not do this on your own. Use the law to protect yourself.

That's sad for the kids that they are so limited in time with their dad, especially to 3 weeks in the supper. Why not just stop visitation all tother as two breaks and 3 weeks is what you'd give a relative, not parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just went through this. Do EVERYTHING through lawyers/court. He, legally, is the one that should file to amend the custody and child support agreements. He absolutely should pay more and it will drastically change the numbers. A high school kid is not going to want to leave his hometown every summer and holiday.

We split winter break. The one that chose to move across the country gets the kids for 3 weeks in the summer, every other spring break, and every other fall break. On non-fall break years he gets them for Thanksgiving.If he wants to fly back to visit every other weekend or whatever then let him. On a schedule. He might take advantage of it.

Whatever you do, do not do this on your own. Use the law to protect yourself.

That's sad for the kids that they are so limited in time with their dad, especially to 3 weeks in the supper. Why not just stop visitation all tother as two breaks and 3 weeks is what you'd give a relative, not parent?

What’s sad for the kids is they have a parent who is willing to move away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just went through this. Do EVERYTHING through lawyers/court. He, legally, is the one that should file to amend the custody and child support agreements. He absolutely should pay more and it will drastically change the numbers. A high school kid is not going to want to leave his hometown every summer and holiday.

We split winter break. The one that chose to move across the country gets the kids for 3 weeks in the summer, every other spring break, and every other fall break. On non-fall break years he gets them for Thanksgiving.If he wants to fly back to visit every other weekend or whatever then let him. On a schedule. He might take advantage of it.

Whatever you do, do not do this on your own. Use the law to protect yourself.

That's sad for the kids that they are so limited in time with their dad, especially to 3 weeks in the supper. Why not just stop visitation all tother as two breaks and 3 weeks is what you'd give a relative, not parent?

I have never sent my kids to any relative for 3 weeks and never would unless my kid was begging to. 3 weeks in the summer is much more than a usual visit with grandparents or aunts/uncles/cousins. Some kids spend a full summer with grandparents in another state or abroad. There is no standard “this is for relatives/this is for a parent” time period. There are just different arrangements that work for different families. This kid is already in HS. He is not going to want to spend his whole summer away from his school friends, and dad would be wrong to insist on it.