Ex wants to move out of state-- what are the questions to ask and pitfalls to avoid?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My ex blindsided me by announcing he's moving halfway across the country in less than a year.
We've been divorced for a decade, with the same parenting agreement and visitation in place pretty much the whole time. We share legal custody. Our ds spends more than 2/3 of his time living with me. He spends every other weekend with Ex. Ex pays child support. I take care of most of ds' day to day needs and decision making, as well as paying for anything Ex considers "extra." Ds is now in high school. He gets along with both of us, and is fine with the idea of the move and change in visitation. Ex proposes that ds will continue to live with me, and attend his current school. He wants to have ds come to him for the summer, and sometimes for longer breaks (winter and spring holidays). We're going to discuss plans this weekend. Ex wants to know my thoughts, but I barely have thoughts, yet, because this was such a surprise! I am also wary b/c Ex has screwed me over in the past. What should I be thinking about? I know I do not want ds gone for the whole summer. Also, I wonder how Ex intends to amend child support? He will lowball if he can get away with it. Which of us would be responsible for making and paying for ds' travel arrangements? I'd love BTDT advice to help me navigate, thanks! |
Anonymous
| He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements. |
Anonymous
Please go away. - new poster |
Anonymous
|
If he's tried to screw you already, you DEFINITELY need to talk with a good divorce attorney. You need to amend the custody agreement and child support.
Your ex pays for all travel. Oh, and just because your son says he's ok about his father moving so far away, doesn't mean he really is. But what else say he say? He's obviously not his father's priority. This is tragic during high school. So much is going on everywhere with drugs and alcohol. |
Anonymous
| How is he screwing her over? If he's paying child support and not having regular visitation, where is the issue. He is not required to pay extra's and his portion should come out of child support in less agreed upon. He continues to pay child support and he pays for and arranges transportation. Just like if OP moved, she should pay and arrange for transportation. Its on the person who moves. |
Anonymous
|
Does your DS participate in things like sports, marching band, or other activities that start practice in the summer and would interfere with him spending the whole summer at your Ex's?
What about in the later high school years when he wants to get a summer job? I would encourage frequent short visits rather than long visits. Also, I think your EX should be the one to come to your DS more often; He should be there for things like watching him play a sport or participating in the school play, etc. |
Anonymous
|
There is no way I would allow him to have your child for all vacation time. Vacations and down time are very different then the day to day grind and it is important that you get to share some of that time with your child. So you should be able to have time with your child over the summer and winter or spring break. You should probably rotate who has the child for Christmas or whatever holiday that you celebrate.
Your ex is the one making a major change, that should not interfere with your ability to spend time over vacations with your child. You should have time to enjoy your child when he is more relaxed and in a different place mentally then he would be during the grind of the school year. Someone else mentioned it but it is important to keep in mind what activities your child is involved in. If he is in band or a sport that has summer activities, that has to be taken into consideration. Talk to your attorney and tell your ex that you need time to figure out what you think the plan of action should be but that it will not be that your child spends all of his vacation time with your ex. And yes, your ex is responsible for arranging and paying for all travel. He is the one moving, he has to be responsible for the cost of seeing his child. |
Anonymous
| He should pay adjusted CS if the summer doesn’t equal that we would have had under the old system. He should also pay transportation costs. |
Anonymous
|
Start out with splitting summers and holidays. I wouldn't give up all vacation time just because he has decided to move (unless that's what you want). If your ex wants more time, he can travel back to your city for weekend visits. After a year or two of this, if your son decides he wants to spend all summer there, then I would consider it. but I would definitely not agree to "all summer" out of the box.
I would say don't talk about money at all in this first conversation, focus more on the visitation. |
Anonymous
Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex! |
Anonymous
DP. It's not good parenting to insist that you only get the fun times and you have the other parent do all the work times. That's entitlement, and not a good look for the ex. Obviously this ex just wants to be a Disneyland Dad, which is selfish. He sounds like a bad parent. |
Anonymous
 This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.
My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective! |
Anonymous
| One idea might be for your DH to do an AirBnB somewhere around here for a week or two around the time of a break. So, for example, he comes out like Wednesday before spring break and the child stays with him during those few school days and that weekend and a few days of the break and then you get the child for the remainder of the break and the following weekend. |
Anonymous
| ^Edit. ExDH but you get the idea. |
Anonymous
|
If your teen is in HS, soon he will have jobs and internships in the summer and may not want to go to dad's for full summer. I'd say I'm fine with DS going for the summer *if DS wants to go*. Not gonna force him.
Also talk to an attorney to make sure ex covers all travel costs and does not suspend child support while the kid is on visitation. I imagine you are still buying the shoes, school supplies, clothes, and providing health insurance for your son, just because your ex lumps his two days out of every 14 into 48 days in a row should not mean that your CS is cut. OR he can pay you more the other 9 or ten months of the year. |