Ex wants to move out of state-- what are the questions to ask and pitfalls to avoid?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Ex and I had our conversation. I took the advice I got here and mostly listened, not getting emotional or making any demands.

Ex hoped I would agree to ds being with him the whole summer, except for the week after school lets out, and the week before school starts again! Seriously?! I calmly said that was a no go. That would give me and ds no time to relax or have fun together. Definitely no time for us to take a trip! Ds agreed that he wanted enough days with me in the summer to actually DO something together. Ex said he would think on that.

I asked if Ex was planning on visiting ds here at any time during the school year (no), or if he was expecting to have ds come to him at any time other than either Spring or Winter break (also no). Ex said he would pay for ds to take a flight back and forth. I asked, what about if ds has summer opportunities he wants to stay in DC for, and Ex said we'd discuss that when and if it happened.

He also said that he would adjust child support, although he wouldn't give a single detail of his thoughts on that.

Basically, we had a civil conversation that didn't really decide anything.

For the record, Ex has less than 50/50 custody by HIS choice. He and his lawyer worked out the balance so that he could have the least visitation and pay the lowest amount of child support. I don't know what gives some posters the idea that I am shafting Ex!

[Anonymous]

You sound really crummy not to let Dad have his son for the summer. You complain it was his choice not to have 50/50 but if you say no to sharing time, then that's you refusing, not him. You are shafting your son and ex. He can have summer opportunities where Dad lives as well. He has no summer activity with you as of now so its a non-issue and you are using it as an excuse to say no.

Reality is you will not send him for winter or spring break either as you'll claim that you deserve that time with your son too.

DS is going to agree with anything you say as he has to live with you and wants to please you. He knows you do not want him to have a relationship with his Dad beyond the absolute minimum.

Why does child support need to be readjusted if he doesn't have any timeshare and you have full-custody? That makes no sense. It sounds like part of the summer issue is money and you want more money and child going to Dad in the summer reduces your child support. You sound pretty greedy. If you have money for a trip, you get good child support you don't need to be petty about money. Just go to court, terminate his rights and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might not completely remember what it was like to be a high schooler, but I don't think I'd want to spend my summers away from my friends in a place where the only person I knew was my dad...

Exactly. This sounds like a nightmare for a teen.

NP. That scenario is exactly why my godson, now an adult, doesn't see much of his dad. Dad moved many states away but insisted high schooler son visit at times like summer when son, as a teen, was missing out on high school activities, band camp (mandatory to play in band during the school year), etc. And dad treated those visits with a lot of neediness--he really pushed son to be happy about "our special time together" and expected son to focus on him as much as he was focusing on son. It seemed like the dad was so needy, demanding his son's attention and proclaiming how much fun fun fun they were having. The result is, now that son is in his 20s, he only visits dad maybe once a year and has been resisting dad's frequent "suggestions" that son move to dad's area. The son has said in front of me that it would be "too much 'togetherness.'" Dad created this situation for himself by being so clingy and dad was so clingy because he chose to move far from his son and treated visits as some kind of sacred, intense bonding time--not as just being together as parent and child.

Most "camps" and schools make exceptions for kids where they are in a visitation arrangement with another parent. They will not for a vacation but visitation is different. Dad didn't create the issue. You refusing to allow Dad summers is what caused the distance. You made up so many excuses as to why child cannot see Dad, child sided with you as he wanted to please you and now you got what you wanted, them having no relationship.

[Anonymous]

Jeezus. Dad is at fault for moving away. Why wouldn’t OP want to have part of the summer with her son? And the idea that Dad has no plans to visit son during the school year or see him on school holidays? Bizarre. OP did not create this situation. The ex did.

Signed,
Someone whose parents divorced when I was young and my sibling and I stayed with the dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is he screwing her over? If he's paying child support and not having regular visitation, where is the issue. He is not required to pay extra's and his portion should come out of child support in less agreed upon. He continues to pay child support and he pays for and arranges transportation. Just like if OP moved, she should pay and arrange for transportation. Its on the person who moves.

You either aren't thinking straight or don't have kids. No parent wants to be away from their child for a whole summer and miss every fun break. During the summer, high school kids get summer jobs, have internships, etc. These proposed visitations are also the times when kids plan college visits. There is a ton to consider beyond child support and travel costs.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I must have been crazy to bother updating. Where on earth does anyone find evidence that I am doing any of the things you accuse me of? I try hard to cultivate ds' relationship with Ex, even though Ex does not even use all the visitation he has. Not once have I kept ds from spending time with Ex. Believe what you want-- I can't stop you!

I can't stop Ex from moving, and I don't want to. I'm just looking out for ds and trying to stand up for myself. I don't think wanting more than two non-consecutive weeks in the summer to spend with my kid is an unreasonable idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I must have been crazy to bother updating. Where on earth does anyone find evidence that I am doing any of the things you accuse me of? I try hard to cultivate ds' relationship with Ex, even though Ex does not even use all the visitation he has. Not once have I kept ds from spending time with Ex. Believe what you want-- I can't stop you!

I can't stop Ex from moving, and I don't want to. I'm just looking out for ds and trying to stand up for myself. I don't think wanting more than two non-consecutive weeks in the summer to spend with my kid is an unreasonable idea.

OP, ignore the crazy trolls. You are doing the right thing. Some people will never make the man responsible the consequences of his own decisions.

[Anonymous]

1) Agree you switch off long holidays just like a normal custody schedule. He doesn't get ALL of them.
2) Agree don't tall money, but that will come with the agreement on the custody split.
3) Your CS should increase and he pays for all travel. He's moves, it's his burden.
4) Watch your son's mental health. Many friends Dads walked away in high school. It was the beginning of the end of their relationships. My the time they were getting married non of their Dads were in the picture, their choice.

[Anonymous]

I would want to still alternate holidays. Dad doesn’t get every Xmas just bc he’s moving. Kid should visit for an extended period in the summer but not all summer. Also, as your kid gets older he’s going to want to stay with you over summer to be with his friends, get a summer job, etc. I would get a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might not completely remember what it was like to be a high schooler, but I don't think I'd want to spend my summers away from my friends in a place where the only person I knew was my dad...

Exactly. This sounds like a nightmare for a teen.

NP. That scenario is exactly why my godson, now an adult, doesn't see much of his dad. Dad moved many states away but insisted high schooler son visit at times like summer when son, as a teen, was missing out on high school activities, band camp (mandatory to play in band during the school year), etc. And dad treated those visits with a lot of neediness--he really pushed son to be happy about "our special time together" and expected son to focus on him as much as he was focusing on son. It seemed like the dad was so needy, demanding his son's attention and proclaiming how much fun fun fun they were having. The result is, now that son is in his 20s, he only visits dad maybe once a year and has been resisting dad's frequent "suggestions" that son move to dad's area. The son has said in front of me that it would be "too much 'togetherness.'" Dad created this situation for himself by being so clingy and dad was so clingy because he chose to move far from his son and treated visits as some kind of sacred, intense bonding time--not as just being together as parent and child.

Most "camps" and schools make exceptions for kids where they are in a visitation arrangement with another parent. They will not for a vacation but visitation is different. Dad didn't create the issue. You refusing to allow Dad summers is what caused the distance. You made up so many excuses as to why child cannot see Dad, child sided with you as he wanted to please you and now you got what you wanted, them having no relationship.

Lol. Have you ever played high school football? No,they will not "make an exception" for a player not coming to any of the summer practices due to visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might not completely remember what it was like to be a high schooler, but I don't think I'd want to spend my summers away from my friends in a place where the only person I knew was my dad...

Exactly. This sounds like a nightmare for a teen.

NP. That scenario is exactly why my godson, now an adult, doesn't see much of his dad. Dad moved many states away but insisted high schooler son visit at times like summer when son, as a teen, was missing out on high school activities, band camp (mandatory to play in band during the school year), etc. And dad treated those visits with a lot of neediness--he really pushed son to be happy about "our special time together" and expected son to focus on him as much as he was focusing on son. It seemed like the dad was so needy, demanding his son's attention and proclaiming how much fun fun fun they were having. The result is, now that son is in his 20s, he only visits dad maybe once a year and has been resisting dad's frequent "suggestions" that son move to dad's area. The son has said in front of me that it would be "too much 'togetherness.'" Dad created this situation for himself by being so clingy and dad was so clingy because he chose to move far from his son and treated visits as some kind of sacred, intense bonding time--not as just being together as parent and child.

Most "camps" and schools make exceptions for kids where they are in a visitation arrangement with another parent. They will not for a vacation but visitation is different. Dad didn't create the issue. You refusing to allow Dad summers is what caused the distance. You made up so many excuses as to why child cannot see Dad, child sided with you as he wanted to please you and now you got what you wanted, them having no relationship.

Lol. Have you ever played high school football? No,they will not "make an exception" for a player not coming to any of the summer practices due to visitation.

NP, they might let the kid play, but they’ll never make varsity. Which would suck if that was a kids goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ex and I had our conversation. I took the advice I got here and mostly listened, not getting emotional or making any demands.

Ex hoped I would agree to ds being with him the whole summer, except for the week after school lets out, and the week before school starts again! Seriously?! I calmly said that was a no go. That would give me and ds no time to relax or have fun together. Definitely no time for us to take a trip! Ds agreed that he wanted enough days with me in the summer to actually DO something together. Ex said he would think on that.

I asked if Ex was planning on visiting ds here at any time during the school year (no), or if he was expecting to have ds come to him at any time other than either Spring or Winter break (also no). Ex said he would pay for ds to take a flight back and forth. I asked, what about if ds has summer opportunities he wants to stay in DC for, and Ex said we'd discuss that when and if it happened.

He also said that he would adjust child support, although he wouldn't give a single detail of his thoughts on that.

Basically, we had a civil conversation that didn't really decide anything.

For the record, Ex has less than 50/50 custody by HIS choice. He and his lawyer worked out the balance so that he could have the least visitation and pay the lowest amount of child support. I don't know what gives some posters the idea that I am shafting Ex!

It is hard to believe that such a long post could get every single point wrong, and yet here we are.

OP, don't listen to this buffoon. None of this is correct. You're instincts are right on.

You ex isn't entitled to the entire summer, especially since it's him that's moving, and your son doesn't want to spend the entire summer there. I know no HS kid alive who would want to be separated from his friends for the entire summer. He can "think about it" all he wants, but he's not getting that, and no court would order it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ex and I had our conversation. I took the advice I got here and mostly listened, not getting emotional or making any demands.

Ex hoped I would agree to ds being with him the whole summer, except for the week after school lets out, and the week before school starts again! Seriously?! I calmly said that was a no go. That would give me and ds no time to relax or have fun together. Definitely no time for us to take a trip! Ds agreed that he wanted enough days with me in the summer to actually DO something together. Ex said he would think on that.

I asked if Ex was planning on visiting ds here at any time during the school year (no), or if he was expecting to have ds come to him at any time other than either Spring or Winter break (also no). Ex said he would pay for ds to take a flight back and forth. I asked, what about if ds has summer opportunities he wants to stay in DC for, and Ex said we'd discuss that when and if it happened.

He also said that he would adjust child support, although he wouldn't give a single detail of his thoughts on that.

Basically, we had a civil conversation that didn't really decide anything.

For the record, Ex has less than 50/50 custody by HIS choice. He and his lawyer worked out the balance so that he could have the least visitation and pay the lowest amount of child support. I don't know what gives some posters the idea that I am shafting Ex!

It is hard to believe that such a long post could get every single point wrong, and yet here we are.

OP, don't listen to this buffoon. None of this is correct. You're instincts are right on.

You ex isn't entitled to the entire summer, especially since it's him that's moving, and your son doesn't want to spend the entire summer there. I know no HS kid alive who would want to be separated from his friends for the entire summer. He can "think about it" all he wants, but he's not getting that, and no court would order it.

You cannot say ex does not want custody or time share if you refuse him a reasonable schedule. Family is always more important than friends. You think friends are more important than his relationship with his Dad. What if Dad had custody and you only got a few weeks and Dad blocked it saying friends are more important? Would that be ok?

I get sick of women saying Dad is not involved when in reality it is they will not let Dad be involved.

OP hasn't offered a reasonable visitation schedule and refused what Dad requested. She should come up with a good schedule if she is refusing his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might not completely remember what it was like to be a high schooler, but I don't think I'd want to spend my summers away from my friends in a place where the only person I knew was my dad...

Exactly. This sounds like a nightmare for a teen.

NP. That scenario is exactly why my godson, now an adult, doesn't see much of his dad. Dad moved many states away but insisted high schooler son visit at times like summer when son, as a teen, was missing out on high school activities, band camp (mandatory to play in band during the school year), etc. And dad treated those visits with a lot of neediness--he really pushed son to be happy about "our special time together" and expected son to focus on him as much as he was focusing on son. It seemed like the dad was so needy, demanding his son's attention and proclaiming how much fun fun fun they were having. The result is, now that son is in his 20s, he only visits dad maybe once a year and has been resisting dad's frequent "suggestions" that son move to dad's area. The son has said in front of me that it would be "too much 'togetherness.'" Dad created this situation for himself by being so clingy and dad was so clingy because he chose to move far from his son and treated visits as some kind of sacred, intense bonding time--not as just being together as parent and child.

Most "camps" and schools make exceptions for kids where they are in a visitation arrangement with another parent. They will not for a vacation but visitation is different. Dad didn't create the issue. You refusing to allow Dad summers is what caused the distance. You made up so many excuses as to why child cannot see Dad, child sided with you as he wanted to please you and now you got what you wanted, them having no relationship.

Lol. Have you ever played high school football? No,they will not "make an exception" for a player not coming to any of the summer practices due to visitation.

NP, they might let the kid play, but they’ll never make varsity. Which would suck if that was a kids goal.

If a child is good enough, and there is court ordered visitation they will get into varsity. This child is not in sports. My child is on a year round team. Family always comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to still alternate holidays. Dad doesn’t get every Xmas just bc he’s moving. Kid should visit for an extended period in the summer but not all summer. Also, as your kid gets older he’s going to want to stay with you over summer to be with his friends, get a summer job, etc. I would get a lawyer.

So, if you refuse holidays, and Dad gets one holiday a year and a week in the summer per your wishes, then how can you say Dad doesn't want custody or to see his child when you are heavily restricting it. A judge can easily say Dad gets all Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break as well as Summer so this can easily backfire if you choose to fight it out in court.

Mom wants more child support. To get it, she needs to heavily restrict visitation, which is what she is doing.