Ex wants to move out of state-- what are the questions to ask and pitfalls to avoid?

[Anonymous]

Also make sure that you have approval of flight times. My sister's ex would send the kids on random flght times to save money and my sister would have to pick them up all at times of the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

I agree, but he should get half of summer break, not just a few weeks. Maybe 2/3's, but start negotiating with half of summer break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

I agree, but he should get half of summer break, not just a few weeks. Maybe 2/3's, but start negotiating with half of summer break.

And if OP's child wants to do a sport or marching band or other activity that requires attendance at summer practice?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think taking child on al, the holidays and summers are fair to the “regular time” parent, even if the amount of time is the same as the regular custody schedule. Basically “regular time” parent is balancing work, school, activities, regular parenting, etc. And “vacation time” parent has to balance less. It’s exactly what people on here call “Disney Dads”. OP should also be able to get those relaxed weeks with their child, especially as now they will be 100% slugging it the rest of the year. OP gets to parent, but never gets a week to take their child camping, or on vacation, or just hang out exploring for a week, unless they pull them out of school. It’s doing all the heavy lifting, while ex get the rewards. They are never there to help women it’s homework, go to parent teacher meetings, help with angst, sick days off school, etc. They get a vacation kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

I agree, but he should get half of summer break, not just a few weeks. Maybe 2/3's, but start negotiating with half of summer break.

And if OP's child wants to do a sport or marching band or other activity that requires attendance at summer practice?

Then you try to work it out. Kids with divorced/separated parents sometimes miss out. There’s no perfect solution, and a parent still gets to have access to their kid. It’s hard, unfair, and life happens. Even when parents live in the same area band/summer practices can be hard because both parents want to take the kids on vacation and so a good part of summer is taken up by that, and depending on a parents work schedule their schedules may not work with band or whatever.

You just do the best you can. No kid gets a perfect childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

I agree, but he should get half of summer break, not just a few weeks. Maybe 2/3's, but start negotiating with half of summer break.

And if OP's child wants to do a sport or marching band or other activity that requires attendance at summer practice?

Then you try to work it out. Kids with divorced/separated parents sometimes miss out. There’s no perfect solution, and a parent still gets to have access to their kid. It’s hard, unfair, and life happens. Even when parents live in the same area band/summer practices can be hard because both parents want to take the kids on vacation and so a good part of summer is taken up by that, and depending on a parents work schedule their schedules may not work with band or whatever.

You just do the best you can. No kid gets a perfect childhood.

Well, as someone who participated in an activity in high school that required summer practice, I think that sucks. At my school/activity, if you didn't come to summer practice, you didn't get to participate, no exceptions. I would have held a LOT of resentment towards a parent that insisted I miss out completely on that activity because I had to go out of state to visit HIM (or her) when HE (or she) chose to move there.
Think long term--yes the out of state parent might get the summer visits in high school, but do they want to be a part of the child's life once they reach adulthood?

[Anonymous]

I might not completely remember what it was like to be a high schooler, but I don't think I'd want to spend my summers away from my friends in a place where the only person I knew was my dad...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think taking child on al, the holidays and summers are fair to the “regular time” parent, even if the amount of time is the same as the regular custody schedule. Basically “regular time” parent is balancing work, school, activities, regular parenting, etc. And “vacation time” parent has to balance less. It’s exactly what people on here call “Disney Dads”. OP should also be able to get those relaxed weeks with their child, especially as now they will be 100% slugging it the rest of the year. OP gets to parent, but never gets a week to take their child camping, or on vacation, or just hang out exploring for a week, unless they pull them out of school. It’s doing all the heavy lifting, while ex get the rewards. They are never there to help women it’s homework, go to parent teacher meetings, help with angst, sick days off school, etc. They get a vacation kid.

You are right. So, instead of complaining, give the other parent custody and then they do all the hard work. Usually mom's get custody and Dads get visitation and mom's like you bitterly complain except they aren't willing to hand over custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

I agree, but he should get half of summer break, not just a few weeks. Maybe 2/3's, but start negotiating with half of summer break.

How are 1/2's fair. That means he gets maybe 4 weeks out of 52.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's moving, how is this screwing you over. Its fine for him to move. Let him have holidays and summers and since he is moving, he pays for transportation and making arrangements.

Please go away. - new poster

Another new poster and I agree with poster you are telling to go away. It sounds to me that her ex had an excellent plan. OP does not own her ex and it is easy to see why she has an ex!

This is OP. You are so ridiculous I can't even be offended.

My ex has indeed shafted me and our kid in huge and small ways for years, which I'm not going to go into because I'm not actually here for drama. He already gets to be the "fun parent" while I take care of the actual parenting. When he moves, I'll be handling 100% of the school conferences, pickups from extracurriculars, etc., and will have no regular "kid free" nights. That's fine, but I don't want to lose most of my fun/relaxed time (summer and holidays) with ds. I'm not trying to control Ex, I'm trying to protect me and my kid by getting advice. Thanks to everyone who actually provided tips and perspective!

OP you don't have to justify yourself. I get EXACTLY what you're saying. My ex is the same way. He gets to be the fun parent when he feels like it and does none of the parenting stuff (school, doctors, homework, etc.)

I would tell him that he can have DS a couple of weeks in the summer, half or alternating holidays and pays for all travel.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to stay put. I would never move that far from my kid. Period.

I agree, but he should get half of summer break, not just a few weeks. Maybe 2/3's, but start negotiating with half of summer break.

How are 1/2's fair. That means he gets maybe 4 weeks out of 52.

You give up “fair” when you choose to move out of state. Unless he is active duty military and required to move, this is his choice.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Does it change anyone's advice that the move is 100% Ex's choice? For years, he claimed he wasn't going anywhere until ds graduated high school. He admits that he doesn't have to move now, he just wants to.

I'm not against anyone living their "best life," but (as usual), Ex's improvements to his life make my life and our kid's life harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Does it change anyone's advice that the move is 100% Ex's choice? For years, he claimed he wasn't going anywhere until ds graduated high school. He admits that he doesn't have to move now, he just wants to.

I'm not against anyone living their "best life," but (as usual), Ex's improvements to his life make my life and our kid's life harder.

No. But it will influence what the judge decides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Does it change anyone's advice that the move is 100% Ex's choice? For years, he claimed he wasn't going anywhere until ds graduated high school. He admits that he doesn't have to move now, he just wants to.

I'm not against anyone living their "best life," but (as usual), Ex's improvements to his life make my life and our kid's life harder.

If its visitation and its limited, I'm not getting how this is a big deal. Ask him how he plans to pay for it and tell him he needs to make the arrangements. Put it on him. He has the right to move. You cannot stop him so put it on him to make it work and be flexible.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would approach this weekend meeting as only an opportunity to listen to what he has to say. Let him make his proposal. Ask him questions about details such as flights, costs, etc. Simply listen and ask questions. Do NOT negotiate with him. Keep your cards close at hand and stay calm. No judgment and no anger. Do not offer anything except, “You’ve given me a lot to think about. Of course I’ll need to talk this over with my attorney.”

Again, do NOT negotiate.