Rant- helpless dads!
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Anonymous
NP. Really? You’re too type A to let your DH handle your kids?! 
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Anonymous
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Woof this is rough. To the women saying they were shocked at their husbands helplessness after kids, I really feel for you. Society has really set us up on this one. Considering this is DC I’m really shocked at how many on these boards say their relationships function this way and the shock over the dad actually knowing how to take care of his kid?! That is nuts and I’m hoping a bit of trolling. Fully capable Dad is definitely a norm in my friend group and any dad who wasn’t pulling his weight would get a side eye for sure. We just spent a weekend with friends and for every family dad and mom switched mornings sleeping in, switched who was handling meal time, sometimes one was relaxing sometimes the other. My husband definitely knows how to do all aspects of our son’s care and where everything is just aswell as me if not better since he does the laundry. It really sucks that the burden falls on the women to hold men accountable for this and make it unacceptable to expect anything less, but I think that’s the reality. I think some of this is also impacted by not having discussions about career decisions and their implications for how it will impact things in the future before kids (and after). My husband and I factored in what kind of family life we wanted when he was deciding whether to go to law school or not. He probably makes less money now as a result, but is a 50:50 caregiver because we put a lot of stake in that early on.
That being said even in a pretty much 50:50 in the physical caretaking load relationship, I would agree the reading of parenting books, planning birthday parties, etc falls to me. It’s not a perfect system no matter how we slice it but for anyone younger reading this for some reason, it doesn’t have to be this way - talk early about expectations, before kids, after, and continual check ins. Hold your partner accountable. |
Anonymous
I’m just re-reading my own words and feeling a twinge of it sounding judgmental to the moms posting which was not what I intended - but how it might come across. To be clear this is all on the men. You can’t force your spouse to step up and I was trying to say it sucks that it falls on us to try to push them to do that |
Anonymous
Ha! This is so my DH. He is great with our kids (he’s a pediatrician and pretty amazing with kids in general). However, because of his shift work, I have all 3 of ours about 10x more than he does. (If I’m working — normal 8-7 type hours — our nanny is there except for an hour or two on the margins; he often works overnights and weekends, so when it’s just me there’s no nanny.) When I have all 3, I occasionally get sympathetic clucks or people saying they remember those days; usually when I’m wearing/pushing all 3 or pushing 2 and trying to corral the oldest on her scooter. But DH? Anytime he has all 3 anywhere for any amount of time doing anything he gets constant compliments. It’s insane! |
Anonymous
Baby nurses during takeoff and landing and then falls asleep, which is why he's a lap baby. DH did ferry snacks to us. Still pissed about the flight attendants. |
Anonymous
+ 1 million |
Anonymous
My husband does this because he more introverted. He keeps himself busy with the kids which lessens his adult interaction time. |
Anonymous
I posted on page 1 about recognizing my dh. Can’t back to read the comments, and his or stands out to me. I feel the same I have changed and leaned and grown over and over and over again, as a mom. Let’s juts say 8x over the 8 years. Adapted, totally altered my previous personality for my kids. It’s because I made mistakes, sought out books or information, figured out what to do next time. What troubles me is... I’ve read entire books on parenting for different stages, even future stages! So I’m ahead of the game. If I try to distill 3 minutes of knowledge on DH, it’s too much to pay attention to. Now, it’s not my job to educate him. I know that. And when we’ve argued about parenting, I try not to act like a know it all—I am simply trying to help him. In a humble way, I’ve told him something like “I have zero expectation that you need to read parenting books. I have time to do that. That’s part of my on-and-off sahm job. But I do hope you’ll allow to me to share some of the information that has helped me deeply.” I’m so confused by defensiveness. I understand why, (and promise it only comes up every 9 months, if that. I just wish we could talk about parenting strategies more, and he wouldn’t use ‘defense’ as an excuse for what I think is honestly just lack of interest. |
Anonymous
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My children are 21 and 18. My husband was hands on from day one. Our first child had a very serious birth defect and both of us were equally terrified when we finally got home from the NICU with training on all of the equipment that came home with us.
DH has a job that earns more than mine (I teach) and has longer hours a rough commute away so most weekdays and school but non federal holidays, I was the activity taxi and hands on caregiver. I also had the most input for IEPs (one area where he felt my education and expertise were superior to his - pedegogy vs computer skills) On weekends and bedtimes, he got lots of kid time. There were phases when Dad was the preferred parent and he definitely had far more patience for the homework battles and playtime (Legos, Thomas, learning to catch...) He definitely knew which shoes were whose, which drawer clothes went in (he did a lot of folding and putting away) If we want to go further back, my Dad was great with infants - feeding, changing, holding but harsh with older kids - but so was my Mom. Neither of my parents were helicopters or lawnmowers so my siblings and rarely played with either Mom or Dad. Mom stayed home during the week when we were very small, but started working when my youger siblings were in school full time and Dad was on deck for weekends and any evening my Mom was running later. He was perfectly capable of keeping up the house when my Mom was away (cooking, cleaning, driving to and from activities) He absolutely knew where and when to get which kid (usually was more reliably punctual than Mom) Both attended concerts and athletic events. I hear about these adult manchildren that are married with kids, but I wonder why? Were they just really that fun to date and women thought that they would suddenly change into responsible adults? DH and I sometimes disagree on details, but then my sisters and I disagree on many more points on child raising so I chalk that up to different styles and having to negotiate with each other. |
Anonymous
So sorry for many typos. Typing on my phone. I went against my gut, and didn’t proof. Fixed it I think ^ |
Anonymous
No, to be upset about it. I’m fully aware I take control and I own it. He’s helpful, but he will never be as detail oriented as I am. |
Anonymous
| Agree with PPs who point out there is really no way to know how competent a dad will be before getting married. I even babysat a newborn with my then-boyfriend and it predicted nothing about his fathering. |
Anonymous
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Marry a man whose mother worked, ladies.
https://www.mommyish.com/sons-working-moms-housework/ |
Anonymous
What needs detail at a BBQ? |
Anonymous
Same here, on both accounts. I'm not really a kid person, and he's awesome with kids, so he helps out fully when not working a shift. We really try to do the 50/50 parenting thing, as do many other couples we know (some of whom include women with demanding careers so dads do dropoff, pickup, scheduling, etc.). |