Rant- helpless dads!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is very hands on. It kind of annoys me when he has all 3 kids people compliment and think it is such an accomplishment. I have all 3 kids majority of the time. If he has them while I go to the bathroom or get food, women will comment all the time.

Maybe the toddler got new shoes. Airplanes are just a bad situation. I have observed dads yelling at crying kid to sit down. That isn’t much more helpful.

Ha! This is so my DH. He is great with our kids (he’s a pediatrician and pretty amazing with kids in general). However, because of his shift work, I have all 3 of ours about 10x more than he does. (If I’m working — normal 8-7 type hours — our nanny is there except for an hour or two on the margins; he often works overnights and weekends, so when it’s just me there’s no nanny.) When I have all 3, I occasionally get sympathetic clucks or people saying they remember those days; usually when I’m wearing/pushing all 3 or pushing 2 and trying to corral the oldest on her scooter. But DH? Anytime he has all 3 anywhere for any amount of time doing anything he gets constant compliments. It’s insane!

Same here, on both accounts. I'm not really a kid person, and he's awesome with kids, so he helps out fully when not working a shift. We really try to do the 50/50 parenting thing, as do many other couples we know (some of whom include women with demanding careers so dads do dropoff, pickup, scheduling, etc.).

PP again. Also, his mother worked, to another PP's point.

[Anonymous]

Again communicate

If you feel your husband is free loading that's on you

so instead of bitching on DCUM again talk to your husbands idiots

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
News Flash:
Men and Women are not the same.
Equal, absolutely!
But definitely NOT the same. It'd feel deranged if my husband was the better caregiver. It's my domain. Of course he can fill-in, but I'm better with young children, and I like it that way.

You're already deranged so game over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what married one of the wonder dads who manage the kids completely on their own with sippy cups and discipline. He regularly takes the kids running errands and grocery shopping. He’s fantastic. But I still have to do a lot of the heavy lift. I read the discipline books and just highlighted what we were going to do. I plan the birthday parties (activity, menu, invites) and then he helps me cook and clean.

I’m not sure what generation most of the posters are from but I think millennial dads are the most hands on so far. I have hopes that gen Z and then my kids generation will be even better. My own dad is a Boomer and I remember he couldn’t brush or put my hair in a pony tail. He’d have the teachers do it when I got to school. Dh watched YouTube videos and learned to French braid so DD could have the Elsa braid she wants every morning.

Btw regarding the plane- I flew last week. I had an aisle with the baby across from my dh and our two DDs. The flight attendants wouldn’t let me sit there! They said there were only extra oxygen masks on the right side (lap baby). So I got stuck with all 3 kids for the entire flight. I was so pissed. It was a stressful 5 hour flight and dh really couldn’t do anything to help me.

Huh? Why couldn’t he sit with the baby and three kids and give you the aisle?

Baby nurses during takeoff and landing and then falls asleep, which is why he's a lap baby. DH did ferry snacks to us. Still pissed about the flight attendants.

Sounds like a frustrating trip, but why would you be mad at them? I'm sure they were just doing their jobs by making you follow the rule (that exists for the safety of you and your kids!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marry a man whose mother worked, ladies.

https://www.mommyish.com/sons-working-moms-housework/

I did. MIL worked full time, starting when DH was 3. Unfortunately, she also did absolutely everything else. So, DH's role models for parenting were a father who was a complete slob and never once lifted a finger to help out, and a mother who worked full time and handled all child/household duties.
When we were dating, he swore that he would never turn into his father, because he saw the toll it took on his mother, and he wanted better for his own family. I bought that hook, line, and sinker. Guess what happened? He works and then uses his free time on computer games and several hobby projects. He does at least mow the yard, so I guess there's that. We have a sweet, beautiful DD who loves her Daddy and doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't want to play with her. I have to be the one to make excuses for him: "Daddy's busy right now." ALL the damn time.
He wants another kid. No way is that happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what married one of the wonder dads who manage the kids completely on their own with sippy cups and discipline. He regularly takes the kids running errands and grocery shopping. He’s fantastic. But I still have to do a lot of the heavy lift. I read the discipline books and just highlighted what we were going to do. I plan the birthday parties (activity, menu, invites) and then he helps me cook and clean.

I’m not sure what generation most of the posters are from but I think millennial dads are the most hands on so far. I have hopes that gen Z and then my kids generation will be even better. My own dad is a Boomer and I remember he couldn’t brush or put my hair in a pony tail. He’d have the teachers do it when I got to school. Dh watched YouTube videos and learned to French braid so DD could have the Elsa braid she wants every morning.

Btw regarding the plane- I flew last week. I had an aisle with the baby across from my dh and our two DDs. The flight attendants wouldn’t let me sit there! They said there were only extra oxygen masks on the right side (lap baby). So I got stuck with all 3 kids for the entire flight. I was so pissed. It was a stressful 5 hour flight and dh really couldn’t do anything to help me.

Huh? Why couldn’t he sit with the baby and three kids and give you the aisle?

Baby nurses during takeoff and landing and then falls asleep, which is why he's a lap baby. DH did ferry snacks to us. Still pissed about the flight attendants.

Sounds like a frustrating trip, but why would you be mad at them? I'm sure they were just doing their jobs by making you follow the rule (that exists for the safety of you and your kids!).

Also, you could have switched with DH while the baby was asleep, leaving him with the 2 awake kids and the baby, but you chose not to do that.

[Anonymous]

OK, who booked the tickets with Mom in front with 2 kids and dad behind chilling by himself on that plane ride? Why not do 2X2? Who buys those shoes? Who does all the childcare? You have to refuse to be the default if you don't want that to be the case. This is why I am choosing not to BF, so DH can do childcare too from early age. Otherwise - mom has boobs, she can soothe the baby better. Mom knows better how to feed the kid, which daycare to pick, which shoes to buy, which doctor to make an appointment with, how to keep kids happy on a plane ride. Daddy is happily a chopped liver, from the get go without having ever to pull his own weight. Um, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, who booked the tickets with Mom in front with 2 kids and dad behind chilling by himself on that plane ride? Why not do 2X2? Who buys those shoes? Who does all the childcare? You have to refuse to be the default if you don't want that to be the case. This is why I am choosing not to BF, so DH can do childcare too from early age. Otherwise - mom has boobs, she can soothe the baby better. Mom knows better how to feed the kid, which daycare to pick, which shoes to buy, which doctor to make an appointment with, how to keep kids happy on a plane ride. Daddy is happily a chopped liver, from the get go without having ever to pull his own weight. Um, no.

I largely agree with you--women need to insist that men step up. I think a lot of women prefer to be the primary caregiver and derive a lot of their identity from this role, so while it's tiring, they don't insist on more equitable co-parenting.

The one place where I might disagree with you slightly is the breastfeeding. It is more challenging to coparent equally when breastfeeding, but I think it can be done. When I was pregnant, I heard from other couples that mom can breastfeed at night while dad does diaper change and puts the baby back to bed, so that's what we did. I think it just takes a serious discussion or three about expectations way before the first kid gets here. We had this discussion when talking about marriage--I was not willing to have kids unless we coparented pretty equally. So my husband knew from the outset that it had to be this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, I’m going to be the voice of dissent here, but I think it’s odd seeing the dad who has it all together. Not in an odd bad way, but just in a confused odd way.

Last night we were at a BBQ with friends we hadn’t seen in a while and they had two under three. The dad was running around with perfectly timed baby wipes catching crumbs and food smears, fetching silly cups, appropriately disciplining, changing diapers, feeding. I was like, what is this? It was so odd to see a dad that together. Mom sat off to the side with wine. Maybe that was their arrangement, but even with my DH, if it was my “night off”, he’d still be coming to me to figure out what step to take next.

Huh? My husband is like this, and it’s fully the norm in our circle. Dads who are checked out — people wonder what is up with that. It is no longer the 1950s. Many men want to bond with their kids through providing care, otherwise known as parenting.

There are times when I know more or am more attuned to the children’s needs, but cluelessness would not fly in our family. We are both responsible for our children and frankly I don’t think the default should be that the woman carries the mental load. Things will never hangs if we continue doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’m on a plane and there are two families each with two young kids. In each case, mom is stuck in a row with both kids while dad chills in the row behind. There is some switching off, but 90 percent of the flight, mom is doing all the work, largely by whenever there is a switch off, the kids beg for mom. Ok fine, the kids want mom and the plane is not the time to fight that, but even then...in one case, the exhausted mom was trying to get two young kids to sit down and buckle up, and she said in desperation to her spouse in the row behind “I need help!” to which he responded (with a tone) “What do you want me to do?” I’m thinking - dude- it’s not even my kids and I could give your wife more support at this moment. .

This happened to us, and I was infuriated with DH, who was too busy watching a movie to notice that our young DC was getting air sick right next to him. Of course, DC vommited the other way, towards my other DC next to me, not towards my DH. DH thinks a very young child should be able to tell him if the child needs anything. I don't think these men realize that young children don't tell you things, like when they need to go to the bathroom, which this DC did on another flight, and yes, while sitting next to dad.

DH was totally checked out doing his own thing, while I would go across the aisle sometimes to check in on DC. INFURIATING!! DH has now learned his lesson, but of course, now DCss are much older and better at listening to their bodies.

I'm getting upset again just thinking about these incidents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is helpless when it comes to kids and most household things and he prefers it this way. It’s how he was raised. To him it’s woman’s work, and it took years of squabbling and nagging to get him to improve a bit, but his fundamental mind set will never change. My MIL will swoon and praise him because he’ unload a dishwasher when they are over like it’s some kind of heroic feat...We have two sons, and I swear they will know how to cook and clean up after themselves!

Abso*f*n*lutely!

- mom of boy and girl

[Anonymous]

My DH is fully engaged, and in fact he purchased most of our kids' shoes, at this point. (I used to do it, but he didn't like my choices because I tend to buy cheap stuff.) Occasionally, he'll still surprise me by something that I don't know, but then again, I have gaps as well, for things that he takes care of. I don't remember how much we pay for mortgage and what are our kids' shoe sizes, because I don't need to. And I don't feel any less of a mom for not knowing.

In any case, a 2.5 year old should be able to find his shoes, so it's not something dad must know.

As for airplanes, I find it easier to sit with kids than when they sit with their dad, because he's just not the most considerate person, but then again he's taken them to Asia before without me, so he must have managed somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry a man whose mother worked, ladies.

https://www.mommyish.com/sons-working-moms-housework/

I did. MIL worked full time, starting when DH was 3. Unfortunately, she also did absolutely everything else. So, DH's role models for parenting were a father who was a complete slob and never once lifted a finger to help out, and a mother who worked full time and handled all child/household duties.
When we were dating, he swore that he would never turn into his father, because he saw the toll it took on his mother, and he wanted better for his own family. I bought that hook, line, and sinker. Guess what happened? He works and then uses his free time on computer games and several hobby projects. He does at least mow the yard, so I guess there's that. We have a sweet, beautiful DD who loves her Daddy and doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't want to play with her. I have to be the one to make excuses for him: "Daddy's busy right now." ALL the damn time.
He wants another kid. No way is that happening.

IMO, most men are selfish and immature, even after baby arrives. They don't want to change their lives to accommodate a child. They think as long as the child has food and clothes, their job is done. Of course, it's usually the mom who prepares the food and makes sure the child has appropriate clothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry a man whose mother worked, ladies.

https://www.mommyish.com/sons-working-moms-housework/

I did. MIL worked full time, starting when DH was 3. Unfortunately, she also did absolutely everything else. So, DH's role models for parenting were a father who was a complete slob and never once lifted a finger to help out, and a mother who worked full time and handled all child/household duties.
When we were dating, he swore that he would never turn into his father, because he saw the toll it took on his mother, and he wanted better for his own family. I bought that hook, line, and sinker. Guess what happened? He works and then uses his free time on computer games and several hobby projects. He does at least mow the yard, so I guess there's that. We have a sweet, beautiful DD who loves her Daddy and doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't want to play with her. I have to be the one to make excuses for him: "Daddy's busy right now." ALL the damn time.
He wants another kid. No way is that happening.

IMO, most men are selfish and immature, even after baby arrives. They don't want to change their lives to accommodate a child. They think as long as the child has food and clothes, their job is done. Of course, it's usually the mom who prepares the food and makes sure the child has appropriate clothing.

This sounds like you're speaking about 50s-era dads. I'm 40, and I don't know any dads in my age range or younger who are like this.

[Anonymous]

I once said to DH, "If our kids got lost, and the police asked you 'what were they wearing', you would have no clue". To which he responded, "yea, probably".