Rant- helpless dads!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work in biglaw. There’s no way our lives could function if he didn’t know what time school drop off is or which shoes belong to our kids. He’s not perfect and has dropped the ball many times (eg had to buy new bottles and formula close to the daycare because he forgot to pack them) but since I have no choice but to let him sink or swim so I can keep doing my job, he mostly has it together. When our first was little there were some signs he would have happily let me become the default parent but with work travel and long hours he was forced to learn.

This - you have to set the expectation early. Most people will take a mile if given an inch of low expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you saw my family on the plane, you’d see me with two kids doing 100% of the entertaining and work while my husband is sleeping or reading. What you didn’t see was my husband up late the night before packing everything but my clothes or driving in rush hour traffic in a strange city when we landed. We’re a team. Don’t always assume that because one of us is on duty that the other parent is lazy or uninvolved. I also didn’t make my husband wake up and change diapers at night when I was breastfeeding. Unless the baby was crying for an hour or more, I did all the night feedings myself. He would do things like dinner clean up and bath time so I could rest. I think having both parents involved al the time makes for two cranky, tired parents.

But if you needed help what would he do? Say, kid 1 pukes and kid 2 needs help in the bathroom? Does he sleep through it all? Or does he get up and help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize my dh in the OP.

He is awesome. So I actually wonder how hard other people have it... if he is helpless sometimes. I’ve seen some other wives have it much worse: DHs who are obsessed with work or really checked out.

But anyway, dh will never ever ever fully appreciate what’s its like to share the kid load. He’d be like the airplane guy. Probably had just started some phone game and annoyed that his game is getting interrupted. I can understand that but if I’m the on the verge of tears bc the kids are arguing, or having a tantrum over crazy, crazy 3yo stuff(!) then he just doesn’t get how much he could help.

So your husband is obsessed with work? Does he draw any pay for that? Is he keeping all his pay for himself?

Some guys use work as an excuse to not spend time with their family. I have a few in my family like this (though fortunately not my DH, who is awesome). It’s easier to stay at the office until bedtime so you can come home to a peaceful house. Or to go into your study all weekend with your laptop pleading a big project. They act like they deserve an award for taking the kids to the playground for an hour. The wives either martyr themselves or hire / ask grandparents for live-in help to essentially do the co-parenting the dad should be doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what married one of the wonder dads who manage the kids completely on their own with sippy cups and discipline. He regularly takes the kids running errands and grocery shopping. He’s fantastic. But I still have to do a lot of the heavy lift. I read the discipline books and just highlighted what we were going to do. I plan the birthday parties (activity, menu, invites) and then he helps me cook and clean.

I’m not sure what generation most of the posters are from but I think millennial dads are the most hands on so far. I have hopes that gen Z and then my kids generation will be even better. My own dad is a Boomer and I remember he couldn’t brush or put my hair in a pony tail. He’d have the teachers do it when I got to school. Dh watched YouTube videos and learned to French braid so DD could have the Elsa braid she wants every morning.

Btw regarding the plane- I flew last week. I had an aisle with the baby across from my dh and our two DDs. The flight attendants wouldn’t let me sit there! They said there were only extra oxygen masks on the right side (lap baby). So I got stuck with all 3 kids for the entire flight. I was so pissed. It was a stressful 5 hour flight and dh really couldn’t do anything to help me.

Huh? Why couldn’t he sit with the baby and three kids and give you the aisle?

Baby nurses during takeoff and landing and then falls asleep, which is why he's a lap baby. DH did ferry snacks to us. Still pissed about the flight attendants.

Still pissed about the Flight Attendants...doing their jobs? Enforcing a rule that potentially keeps your child alive? You could easily have sat in the window seat putting all kids between you and your husband. He could just have easily helped them from his aisle seat next to them. Or once in the air/post nursing switched seats with your husband and given him the sleeping child. But it’s easier to be judge and bitchy about it after the fact.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to start a thread about women can't fix a gid damn thing around the house. And don't even get me started about how they suck at driving.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of a child is not hard work. It’s can be boring and lonely but it is not hard or difficult(unless you have a SN).

I know a few SAHD’s. They have everything under control. The children run to the father when they get hurt or they have any problems. The mothers disrupt schedules, puts the wrong clothes on the kids, gives them junk food before meals and usually get the basics wrong. Why? Because they do not do it that much. It’s nice to think you are specially because you are so much better at taking care of the kids but if you spouse had to take care of the kids...they will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of a child is not hard work. It’s can be boring and lonely but it is not hard or difficult(unless you have a SN).

I know a few SAHD’s. They have everything under control. The children run to the father when they get hurt or they have any problems. The mothers disrupt schedules, puts the wrong clothes on the kids, gives them junk food before meals and usually get the basics wrong. Why? Because they do not do it that much. It’s nice to think you are specially because you are so much better at taking care of the kids but if you spouse had to take care of the kids...they will figure it out.

+1. It’s a practice thing as much as a parental instincts thing.

I think a lot of women don’t really allow their husbands to make mistakes and get enough practice under their belts so that they can do things competently on their own re: kids.

[Anonymous]

I think most men want to help with children but their wives complain and criticize everything they just say to hell with it. Just because a man doesn't do things exactly as you do doesn't mean they are wrong.

[Anonymous]

My dh is a much better parent than me. He has so much patience, will play for hours and has always done more than his fair share. Howver, he would totally be the dad at the park. He just doesn’t pay much attention to clothes and that has always been an area I enjoyed, so he never paid any attention.

I always lay out the outfit for the full week and dh gets the kid showered, dressed and does the preschool run. Last week he literally forgot that the clothes were in the same spot they have been for THREE years. He dressed him in 18 month pants that came up to his knees (he admitted he thought they were like some odd Capri style since the waist fit fine and they actually kind of did look like a design done on purpose the way it was worn and matched) and a random shirt. The kid is three and he has no idea about his clothes. He might grab the right shoes, but not if it were a new pair or one he doesn’t wear often.

Seeing someone for two seconds means nothing and it silly to judge based on knowing nothing. Sounds like a lot of odd projection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what married one of the wonder dads who manage the kids completely on their own with sippy cups and discipline. He regularly takes the kids running errands and grocery shopping. He’s fantastic. But I still have to do a lot of the heavy lift. I read the discipline books and just highlighted what we were going to do. I plan the birthday parties (activity, menu, invites) and then he helps me cook and clean.

I’m not sure what generation most of the posters are from but I think millennial dads are the most hands on so far. I have hopes that gen Z and then my kids generation will be even better. My own dad is a Boomer and I remember he couldn’t brush or put my hair in a pony tail. He’d have the teachers do it when I got to school. Dh watched YouTube videos and learned to French braid so DD could have the Elsa braid she wants every morning.

Btw regarding the plane- I flew last week. I had an aisle with the baby across from my dh and our two DDs. The flight attendants wouldn’t let me sit there! They said there were only extra oxygen masks on the right side (lap baby). So I got stuck with all 3 kids for the entire flight. I was so pissed. It was a stressful 5 hour flight and dh really couldn’t do anything to help me.

Huh? Why couldn’t he sit with the baby and three kids and give you the aisle?

Baby nurses during takeoff and landing and then falls asleep, which is why he's a lap baby. DH did ferry snacks to us. Still pissed about the flight attendants.

If oxygen had been needed, you would have been grateful. Flight attendants have to obey FAA rules and regulations. Next time buy a seat for all your children.

[Anonymous]

My husband rocks and is hands on with the kids. It took a long time for each of us to develop those skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most men want to help with children but their wives complain and criticize everything they just say to hell with it. Just because a man doesn't do things exactly as you do doesn't mean they are wrong.

+infinity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you saw my family on the plane, you’d see me with two kids doing 100% of the entertaining and work while my husband is sleeping or reading. What you didn’t see was my husband up late the night before packing everything but my clothes or driving in rush hour traffic in a strange city when we landed. We’re a team. Don’t always assume that because one of us is on duty that the other parent is lazy or uninvolved. I also didn’t make my husband wake up and change diapers at night when I was breastfeeding. Unless the baby was crying for an hour or more, I did all the night feedings myself. He would do things like dinner clean up and bath time so I could rest. I think having both parents involved al the time makes for two cranky, tired parents.

But if you needed help what would he do? Say, kid 1 pukes and kid 2 needs help in the bathroom? Does he sleep through it all? Or does he get up and help?

So now Dads who don't wake at the drop of a pin are being condemned? Yesterday, I woke to discover my wife had left the room because she needed to attend to DD at 2AM. So that was my bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you saw my family on the plane, you’d see me with two kids doing 100% of the entertaining and work while my husband is sleeping or reading. What you didn’t see was my husband up late the night before packing everything but my clothes or driving in rush hour traffic in a strange city when we landed. We’re a team. Don’t always assume that because one of us is on duty that the other parent is lazy or uninvolved. I also didn’t make my husband wake up and change diapers at night when I was breastfeeding. Unless the baby was crying for an hour or more, I did all the night feedings myself. He would do things like dinner clean up and bath time so I could rest. I think having both parents involved al the time makes for two cranky, tired parents.

But if you needed help what would he do? Say, kid 1 pukes and kid 2 needs help in the bathroom? Does he sleep through it all? Or does he get up and help?

So now Dads who don't wake at the drop of a pin are being condemned? Yesterday, I woke to discover my wife had left the room because she needed to attend to DD at 2AM. So that was my bad?

It does point to the likelihood of her sleeping with one ear tuned to the kids and you just sleeping. It's not that women are inherently better at it, but in many families it's the unspoken way of doing things. It's like the difference between sleeping on call and having the night off. For me, motherhood has meant sleeping as though I'm on call every night. My brain is ready to be asked for something, so I guess I wake more easily to respond to it.

I didn't hear anyone being condemned, just being plain about differences in care and parenting expectations that exist in some families.

[Anonymous]

Single parent dad here with full time custody since kids were 6 and 8. I too am amazed at helpless dads. Or the guys at work who show off the lunches their busy working wives make them. And these guys laze off or go to happy hour. I’m out the door to pick up kids at aftercare.

I think of this often. Like why couldn’t I have picked a better woman who had true maternal instincts. It’s cramped my ability to date. I’m not into it now anyway. But I know I’m a better catch than a good deal of these helpless men. I don’t know the answer.