Rant- helpless dads!

[Anonymous]

I was a party for my 9 year old and didn’t know which shoes were hers. In a sea of kids sneakers, they all look the same.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were babies my husband was helpless because those were the years boys didn’t babysit unless they had a younger sibling. Now that my kids are teens he is way better than me. He is calmer and more rational and frankly the kids relate to him more than me. Parenting has seasons and in the current season I am learning and he is leading. Big thing to remember is parents need to be kind to one another. No one is perfect. I am eating some humble pie now as I used to get annoyed and now that he is technically the rock star parent, he is nicer about it. I wish I could back and instead of yelling when he screwed up a feeding or how he did something, I was nicer. I get why people get divorced when kids are young. Sometimes mom’s get so mean their partner leaves.

[Anonymous]

So what married one of the wonder dads who manage the kids completely on their own with sippy cups and discipline. He regularly takes the kids running errands and grocery shopping. He’s fantastic. But I still have to do a lot of the heavy lift. I read the discipline books and just highlighted what we were going to do. I plan the birthday parties (activity, menu, invites) and then he helps me cook and clean.

I’m not sure what generation most of the posters are from but I think millennial dads are the most hands on so far. I have hopes that gen Z and then my kids generation will be even better. My own dad is a Boomer and I remember he couldn’t brush or put my hair in a pony tail. He’d have the teachers do it when I got to school. Dh watched YouTube videos and learned to French braid so DD could have the Elsa braid she wants every morning.

Btw regarding the plane- I flew last week. I had an aisle with the baby across from my dh and our two DDs. The flight attendants wouldn’t let me sit there! They said there were only extra oxygen masks on the right side (lap baby). So I got stuck with all 3 kids for the entire flight. I was so pissed. It was a stressful 5 hour flight and dh really couldn’t do anything to help me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH also gets plenty of compliments for his hands-on parenting. He’s an involved and affectionate dad who is present in the moment with them. And yes - he’s also clueless. He probably knows which shoes are theirs but I wouldn’t put money on it. On family vacations he’ll wander off for alone time whenever he pleases, grab his coffee and go sit on the deck while I deal with breakfast demands, and no way is he involved in determining what needs packed. So really this gripe is more about dads who are not equal partners in parenting. I think it’s learned helplessness. Not many of us had fathers who were equal partners and the idea that they should be is unfortunately a newer one.

I agree with so much of this. My DH gets accolades for being this “present and hands-on” dad, because he’s fun and good with kids.

But he has no clue what he’s doing when it comes to logistics. I don’t think he knows the time the school bus comes, what time school starts if they miss the bus, where to find a sweatshirt or warmer pajamas in the house, which shampoo is DD’s, how to follow a bedtime routine, where the kid’s doctor’s office is. And not because he’s never been told, but because of learned helplessness.

My DH doesn't get accolades but he knows our child's entire routine, takes him to school (I pick up), and can handle the entire night time routine no sweat. He does sing a different song at bedtime but his is silly and meant to made DS laugh. There are plenty of Dads who are fully involved with raising their kids and would think that it is weird that people are giving them props for parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, I’m going to be the voice of dissent here, but I think it’s odd seeing the dad who has it all together. Not in an odd bad way, but just in a confused odd way.

Last night we were at a BBQ with friends we hadn’t seen in a while and they had two under three. The dad was running around with perfectly timed baby wipes catching crumbs and food smears, fetching silly cups, appropriately disciplining, changing diapers, feeding. I was like, what is this? It was so odd to see a dad that together. Mom sat off to the side with wine. Maybe that was their arrangement, but even with my DH, if it was my “night off”, he’d still be coming to me to figure out what step to take next.

Also, I can’t tell if I love it or hate it, it’s just so unfamiliar.

Sounds cringe inducingly weird.

[Anonymous]

Women said “yes!” to these losers, and it’s unclear why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women said “yes!” to these losers, and it’s unclear why.

Because I didn't know anything about kids either. When we had kids, I learned. I assumed he would, too, seeing as how he's a smart guy who was all in when it came to learning his career. When the kids came, he didn't step up. If I hadn't, then the kids would have suffered, so I did. The gap has gotten wider and wider over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what married one of the wonder dads who manage the kids completely on their own with sippy cups and discipline. He regularly takes the kids running errands and grocery shopping. He’s fantastic. But I still have to do a lot of the heavy lift. I read the discipline books and just highlighted what we were going to do. I plan the birthday parties (activity, menu, invites) and then he helps me cook and clean.

I’m not sure what generation most of the posters are from but I think millennial dads are the most hands on so far. I have hopes that gen Z and then my kids generation will be even better. My own dad is a Boomer and I remember he couldn’t brush or put my hair in a pony tail. He’d have the teachers do it when I got to school. Dh watched YouTube videos and learned to French braid so DD could have the Elsa braid she wants every morning.

Btw regarding the plane- I flew last week. I had an aisle with the baby across from my dh and our two DDs. The flight attendants wouldn’t let me sit there! They said there were only extra oxygen masks on the right side (lap baby). So I got stuck with all 3 kids for the entire flight. I was so pissed. It was a stressful 5 hour flight and dh really couldn’t do anything to help me.

Huh? Why couldn’t he sit with the baby and three kids and give you the aisle?

[Anonymous]

Not describing my DH at all. He would've known what shoes the child had and he probably would've have put them in his backpack where he has all the child's stuff for outings. DH's bag has more stuff than mine, even bandages.
He knows what the kid eats, when he pooped last and so on. He shops for the kid also. Kid came home with a balloon from Nordstrom's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, I’m going to be the voice of dissent here, but I think it’s odd seeing the dad who has it all together. Not in an odd bad way, but just in a confused odd way.

Last night we were at a BBQ with friends we hadn’t seen in a while and they had two under three. The dad was running around with perfectly timed baby wipes catching crumbs and food smears, fetching silly cups, appropriately disciplining, changing diapers, feeding. I was like, what is this? It was so odd to see a dad that together. Mom sat off to the side with wine. Maybe that was their arrangement, but even with my DH, if it was my “night off”, he’d still be coming to me to figure out what step to take next.

Also, I can’t tell if I love it or hate it, it’s just so unfamiliar.

Sounds cringe inducingly weird.

Jealous much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women said “yes!” to these losers, and it’s unclear why.

Because I didn't know anything about kids either. When we had kids, I learned. I assumed he would, too, seeing as how he's a smart guy who was all in when it came to learning his career. When the kids came, he didn't step up. If I hadn't, then the kids would have suffered, so I did. The gap has gotten wider and wider over time.

If you reread this post, you'll see why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, I’m going to be the voice of dissent here, but I think it’s odd seeing the dad who has it all together. Not in an odd bad way, but just in a confused odd way.

Last night we were at a BBQ with friends we hadn’t seen in a while and they had two under three. The dad was running around with perfectly timed baby wipes catching crumbs and food smears, fetching silly cups, appropriately disciplining, changing diapers, feeding. I was like, what is this? It was so odd to see a dad that together. Mom sat off to the side with wine. Maybe that was their arrangement, but even with my DH, if it was my “night off”, he’d still be coming to me to figure out what step to take next.

Also, I can’t tell if I love it or hate it, it’s just so unfamiliar.

Sounds cringe inducingly weird.

Jealous much?

Not jealous at all. I’m too type a to give up that level of control.

[Anonymous]

DH and I both work in biglaw. There’s no way our lives could function if he didn’t know what time school drop off is or which shoes belong to our kids. He’s not perfect and has dropped the ball many times (eg had to buy new bottles and formula close to the daycare because he forgot to pack them) but since I have no choice but to let him sink or swim so I can keep doing my job, he mostly has it together. When our first was little there were some signs he would have happily let me become the default parent but with work travel and long hours he was forced to learn.

[Anonymous]

My DH is helpless when it comes to kids and most household things and he prefers it this way. It’s how he was raised. To him it’s woman’s work, and it took years of squabbling and nagging to get him to improve a bit, but his fundamental mind set will never change. My MIL will swoon and praise him because he’ unload a dishwasher when they are over like it’s some kind of heroic feat...We have two sons, and I swear they will know how to cook and clean up after themselves!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, I’m going to be the voice of dissent here, but I think it’s odd seeing the dad who has it all together. Not in an odd bad way, but just in a confused odd way.

Last night we were at a BBQ with friends we hadn’t seen in a while and they had two under three. The dad was running around with perfectly timed baby wipes catching crumbs and food smears, fetching silly cups, appropriately disciplining, changing diapers, feeding. I was like, what is this? It was so odd to see a dad that together. Mom sat off to the side with wine. Maybe that was their arrangement, but even with my DH, if it was my “night off”, he’d still be coming to me to figure out what step to take next.

Also, I can’t tell if I love it or hate it, it’s just so unfamiliar.

Sounds cringe inducingly weird.

Jealous much?

Not jealous at all. I’m too type a to give up that level of control.

Oh god, you’re one of those women.