Rant- helpless dads!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you saw my family on the plane, you’d see me with two kids doing 100% of the entertaining and work while my husband is sleeping or reading. What you didn’t see was my husband up late the night before packing everything but my clothes or driving in rush hour traffic in a strange city when we landed. We’re a team. Don’t always assume that because one of us is on duty that the other parent is lazy or uninvolved. I also didn’t make my husband wake up and change diapers at night when I was breastfeeding. Unless the baby was crying for an hour or more, I did all the night feedings myself. He would do things like dinner clean up and bath time so I could rest. I think having both parents involved al the time makes for two cranky, tired parents.

But if you needed help what would he do? Say, kid 1 pukes and kid 2 needs help in the bathroom? Does he sleep through it all? Or does he get up and help?

So now Dads who don't wake at the drop of a pin are being condemned? Yesterday, I woke to discover my wife had left the room because she needed to attend to DD at 2AM. So that was my bad?

I'm the PP, and my point was that a dad who is engaged with the family (and who might not be all the way asleep, but was dozing, or playing on their phone) would HELP if needed on the plane. A dad (or mom) who is disengaged would NOT help and would be annoyed that the kids needed them.

But yeah, my husband sleeps like the dead and wants a baby. NOPE, I'm not doing night feedings again ever, and he wouldn't wake up. So no baby, cause I don't want another kid and despite him being hands on with literally everything else, I can't handle the sleep deprivation again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single parent dad here with full time custody since kids were 6 and 8. I too am amazed at helpless dads. Or the guys at work who show off the lunches their busy working wives make them. And these guys laze off or go to happy hour. I’m out the door to pick up kids at aftercare.

I think of this often. Like why couldn’t I have picked a better woman who had true maternal instincts. It’s cramped my ability to date. I’m not into it now anyway. But I know I’m a better catch than a good deal of these helpless men. I don’t know the answer.

Maternal instincts aren't a real thing. I certainly don't have them, but I parent a shit ton more than my ex who is a complete waste of space. Not because I instinctively know how, but because I have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most men want to help with children but their wives complain and criticize everything they just say to hell with it. Just because a man doesn't do things exactly as you do doesn't mean they are wrong.

+infinity

Or they just do bare minimum effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying but we also chose to marry these men and continue to make choices that enable their behavior. My husband is a wonderful dad but asked me the other day which drawer our 2 year olds pajamas are in and then got mad when I glared at him—like apparently it’s unreasonable for him to be expected to know after 2 years. But I dunno, he’s lightyears better than his father and I DO do the majority of childcare as a SAHM. .

My SIL is a brilliant, strong-minded and independent engineer in a senior position at huge company and her husband is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. BUT he doesn’t lift a finger for their young children and she doesn’t seem bothered at all when she works an intense job and then comes home and does 100% of household responsibilities. She’ll be running around dressing them, packing them up, drying tears etc and he’ll just go sit in the car to wait for her to get the kids out the door. I’ve never had the guts to ask her how she tolerates her husband’s extreme lack of parental involvement but she’s accepted it and seems happy. But I look at her situation and mind and feel like this is really an issue that we as women have created by our acceptance of it. Whether are standards are too low for fathers or our need to control things is too high—we largely don’t ask them to step up and be true equals.

Why is the burden on us to ask them? Why aren’t they stepping up because they are fathers and husbands?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying but we also chose to marry these men and continue to make choices that enable their behavior. My husband is a wonderful dad but asked me the other day which drawer our 2 year olds pajamas are in and then got mad when I glared at him—like apparently it’s unreasonable for him to be expected to know after 2 years. But I dunno, he’s lightyears better than his father and I DO do the majority of childcare as a SAHM. .

My SIL is a brilliant, strong-minded and independent engineer in a senior position at huge company and her husband is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. BUT he doesn’t lift a finger for their young children and she doesn’t seem bothered at all when she works an intense job and then comes home and does 100% of household responsibilities. She’ll be running around dressing them, packing them up, drying tears etc and he’ll just go sit in the car to wait for her to get the kids out the door. I’ve never had the guts to ask her how she tolerates her husband’s extreme lack of parental involvement but she’s accepted it and seems happy. But I look at her situation and mind and feel like this is really an issue that we as women have created by our acceptance of it. Whether are standards are too low for fathers or our need to control things is too high—we largely don’t ask them to step up and be true equals.

Why is the burden on us to ask them? Why aren’t they stepping up because they are fathers and husbands?

+1. Men need to step up and take responsibility. But so do women. Why are we putting up with this behavior? Why do we continue to have children with men like this? I know plenty of men whose wives do the majority of housework and emotional labor. But not one of these men has forced his wife to do everything. With your example, why is the wife continuing to get the children ready? Why doesn’t she just sit on the couch and wait to see what happens?

Women need to start demanding better treatment and equality at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying but we also chose to marry these men and continue to make choices that enable their behavior. My husband is a wonderful dad but asked me the other day which drawer our 2 year olds pajamas are in and then got mad when I glared at him—like apparently it’s unreasonable for him to be expected to know after 2 years. But I dunno, he’s lightyears better than his father and I DO do the majority of childcare as a SAHM. .

My SIL is a brilliant, strong-minded and independent engineer in a senior position at huge company and her husband is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. BUT he doesn’t lift a finger for their young children and she doesn’t seem bothered at all when she works an intense job and then comes home and does 100% of household responsibilities. She’ll be running around dressing them, packing them up, drying tears etc and he’ll just go sit in the car to wait for her to get the kids out the door. I’ve never had the guts to ask her how she tolerates her husband’s extreme lack of parental involvement but she’s accepted it and seems happy. But I look at her situation and mind and feel like this is really an issue that we as women have created by our acceptance of it. Whether are standards are too low for fathers or our need to control things is too high—we largely don’t ask them to step up and be true equals.

Why is the burden on us to ask them? Why aren’t they stepping up because they are fathers and husbands?

Because men aren’t “nice.” They don’t care. Look at the suffering in this world due to men. So many wars, murders, abuse, etc. Almost all crimes are by men! I’ve come to accept that they have serious problems. It means that women really do have to demand respect or we will not receive it. Just like there have to be laws against murder. Most women wouldn’t murder someone even if there wasn’t a law. You think it would be the same way for men? No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is with all the anti-man rants on here recently? We get it. I am a woman and I am so tired of the trend to alway put men down. Talk as though they are inferior and invalidate what they do. It's just misandry and its boring. We get it, you think women and mothers are superior and you like putting down others.


It's old and tiresome. You can be a feminist without hating men.

They earn it.

Open your eyes and call a spade a spade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying but we also chose to marry these men and continue to make choices that enable their behavior. My husband is a wonderful dad but asked me the other day which drawer our 2 year olds pajamas are in and then got mad when I glared at him—like apparently it’s unreasonable for him to be expected to know after 2 years. But I dunno, he’s lightyears better than his father and I DO do the majority of childcare as a SAHM. .

My SIL is a brilliant, strong-minded and independent engineer in a senior position at huge company and her husband is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. BUT he doesn’t lift a finger for their young children and she doesn’t seem bothered at all when she works an intense job and then comes home and does 100% of household responsibilities. She’ll be running around dressing them, packing them up, drying tears etc and he’ll just go sit in the car to wait for her to get the kids out the door. I’ve never had the guts to ask her how she tolerates her husband’s extreme lack of parental involvement but she’s accepted it and seems happy. But I look at her situation and mind and feel like this is really an issue that we as women have created by our acceptance of it. Whether are standards are too low for fathers or our need to control things is too high—we largely don’t ask them to step up and be true equals.

But. There are a lot of divorces due to this. Resentment builds and the entitlement never stops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, I’m going to be the voice of dissent here, but I think it’s odd seeing the dad who has it all together. Not in an odd bad way, but just in a confused odd way.

Last night we were at a BBQ with friends we hadn’t seen in a while and they had two under three. The dad was running around with perfectly timed baby wipes catching crumbs and food smears, fetching silly cups, appropriately disciplining, changing diapers, feeding. I was like, what is this? It was so odd to see a dad that together. Mom sat off to the side with wine. Maybe that was their arrangement, but even with my DH, if it was my “night off”, he’d still be coming to me to figure out what step to take next.

It’s called Paying Attention.

My husband only does it when he is the ONLY adult around for miles.

[Anonymous]

And no iPhone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to start a thread about women can't fix a gid damn thing around the house. And don't even get me started about how they suck at driving.

My adhd husband needs to be told when the grass is too long even though he agreed to be in charge of the lawn mowing.

Guess who also touches up paint, prunes the trees, got rid of the diseased trees, researched/got the attic ventilation fixed, researched got the dehumidifier system, (after solely finding mold in the vents spreading), remember the annual oil changes, taught the kids how to swim and ride a bike, repaired the deck wood (Id’d the issue first), etc???
Me, the wife.

It’s a REAL struggle with an ADHd helpless husband; the constant setbacks, forgetfulness, coverups are more than enough to drive anyone crazy. Hi and accidents with the kids plus terrible driving. Never ask him to drive and talk at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to start a thread about women can't fix a gid damn thing around the house. And don't even get me started about how they suck at driving.

My adhd husband needs to be told when the grass is too long even though he agreed to be in charge of the lawn mowing.

Guess who also touches up paint, prunes the trees, got rid of the diseased trees, researched/got the attic ventilation fixed, researched got the dehumidifier system, (after solely finding mold in the vents spreading), remember the annual oil changes, taught the kids how to swim and ride a bike, repaired the deck wood (Id’d the issue first), etc???
Me, the wife.

It’s a REAL struggle with an ADHd helpless husband; the constant setbacks, forgetfulness, coverups are more than enough to drive anyone crazy. Hi and accidents with the kids plus terrible driving. Never ask him to drive and talk at the same time.

ADHD is not an excuse as an adult. Enough is enough. You partly make him helpless by not letting him do it or letting him do it his way in his time. Or, you picked a crappy husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to start a thread about women can't fix a gid damn thing around the house. And don't even get me started about how they suck at driving.

I think you should. However, I fix a lot around the house (husband does major stuff). I don't get the man hate around here. There are equally bad moms and wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to start a thread about women can't fix a gid damn thing around the house. And don't even get me started about how they suck at driving.

My adhd husband needs to be told when the grass is too long even though he agreed to be in charge of the lawn mowing.

Guess who also touches up paint, prunes the trees, got rid of the diseased trees, researched/got the attic ventilation fixed, researched got the dehumidifier system, (after solely finding mold in the vents spreading), remember the annual oil changes, taught the kids how to swim and ride a bike, repaired the deck wood (Id’d the issue first), etc???
Me, the wife.

It’s a REAL struggle with an ADHd helpless husband; the constant setbacks, forgetfulness, coverups are more than enough to drive anyone crazy. Hi and accidents with the kids plus terrible driving. Never ask him to drive and talk at the same time.

I think you must immediately report to the authorities the evil ppl who held a gun to your head to procreate with DH. Are they the same ppl forcing him not to seek treatment for ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to start a thread about women can't fix a gid damn thing around the house. And don't even get me started about how they suck at driving.

My adhd husband needs to be told when the grass is too long even though he agreed to be in charge of the lawn mowing.

Guess who also touches up paint, prunes the trees, got rid of the diseased trees, researched/got the attic ventilation fixed, researched got the dehumidifier system, (after solely finding mold in the vents spreading), remember the annual oil changes, taught the kids how to swim and ride a bike, repaired the deck wood (Id’d the issue first), etc???
Me, the wife.

It’s a REAL struggle with an ADHd helpless husband; the constant setbacks, forgetfulness, coverups are more than enough to drive anyone crazy. Hi and accidents with the kids plus terrible driving. Never ask him to drive and talk at the same time.

Why isn't he being treated for his ADHD?