My children (adopted) said that we weren't a real family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry OP. I think you sound like a wonderful mother and handled it the best way you could.

My two siblings are adopted and I am our parents only bio child. My siblings have told me “you’re not my real sister” and “we aren’t family” more than once, and even as adults. It super stings. So while I am not a mother who has adopted, I can relate to an adopted family member throwing it in your face that you aren’t related by blood.

Those kids know you’re their mother, the real one, the one that counts the most.

Maybe its how they felt you or your parents treated them?

Thanks for that jab, but no.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, sooo hard OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like you did really well in handling it.

I agree that your kids didn't mean it the way it felt to you, their feelings will evolve over time, and it is so great that you and they can have open discussions about adoption.

I find books to be tremendously helpful with these topics - age appropriate books can be a terrific way to have a conversation about something that isn't so directly person (they're not talking about you, or themselves - just a character in a book), and to bring thoughtful perspectives to things. I have kids through donor eggs so I can empathize somewhat with sensitivity around the topic of genetic/biological/real parents.

Remember that you're in this for the long haul, not for an elementary aged snapshot. Someday you'll be able to tell your child about this conversation and he'll give you a huge hug and tell you how ridiculous he was.

For right now, every time you hear Mom, are the person they need when they're hurt, the person who knows why they're upset, the person who can soothe them to sleep, the person with whom they can be silly or snuggly, or.... you're being told you are unequivocally their mother - in every critical and profound way.

Hang in there Mom - you are doing a GREAT job! Your kids hit the lottery with you, which they know in their bones but just can't be articulate about yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t reinvent the wheel here folks. YouTube adult adoptees, see what they went through as adolescents. Better than getting misinformation from fellow parents. You will see a consistent pattern and will look at through their eyes.

Most people who post online are unhappy for what ever reason. That’s as inaccurate as everything and you cannot base on persons experience on another. How the parents handle the adoption information or not and kids personality have a lot to do with it. Likewise what others say and that is a funny age with peers. If the adoptive family is very closed it has a heavy impact of kids. Some parents are very scared of the horror stories in adoption that they do not realize how their fears impact the child. Kids that age are curious about their birth family. They are usually reaching for something else but cannot express it.

[Anonymous]

Every single adopted teenager I’ve met (tons at Lab, Oakwood, etc.) every adopted adult (cousin, BFF, coworker) I know wants to know about their birth parents/family) It’s just the reality. Talk about it white their needs in mind. It will not take away from you, their adoptive mother.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are a great mom. Two things stuck out for me.

1) the first comment was about being a 'real family' (not real mom). So focus on that--what do 'real' families look like, to you sons? hopefully they have been exposed to a variety of family structures--single parents, gay parents, grandparents, etc. There is no one model of a family.

2) I also would explore, at another time, your sons wish that you hadn't told him he was adopted because it makes him feel weird. This is probably a normal, natural struggle--wait, I have this other...parent...out there....I know my mom loves me, but what about bio mom? mixed feelings are normal and natural and what I think your kids may have been saying is not that you are 'less than' a wonderful mom, but that they are in a different situation than many of their friends and they're trying to understand it at some level.

so, I guess, in a way, Iwould take it less as about you as a parent than about them as kids expressing, in perhaps not a very nuanced way, some of the nuances of being adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every single adopted teenager I’ve met (tons at Lab, Oakwood, etc.) every adopted adult (cousin, BFF, coworker) I know wants to know about their birth parents/family) It’s just the reality. Talk about it white their needs in mind. It will not take away from you, their adoptive mother.

I have several friends who are adopted and they have no interest in finding their birth families. One was kinda interested when we adopted after our experience but decided against it as her family is her family and she's clear about it. Her needs are met. You are generalizing to a specific population. And, if its more talked about today its because of social media and it being easier to open adoption records and DNA tests or open adoptions where there is some or a lot of contact). Sadly its hyped up and sometimes its great and sometimes not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every single adopted teenager I’ve met (tons at Lab, Oakwood, etc.) every adopted adult (cousin, BFF, coworker) I know wants to know about their birth parents/family) It’s just the reality. Talk about it white their needs in mind. It will not take away from you, their adoptive mother.

She is a mom who choose adoption. Calling her the adoptive mom makes her sound less of a mom. After the adoption is complete, you are mom.

[Anonymous]

She and I will ALWAYS be the “adoptive” mom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that fact. A child’s needs being met has nothing to do with this. This is about doing what’s right for the adoptee. They are all naturally interested in their history and background. OP, talk only to adult adoptees who went through what your children are going through. Period. A lot of moms here with their head in the sand to avoid feeling hurt.

[Anonymous]

Honey, this is “our” family tree! This is your great grandfather Phillip, and your great great grandfather Christopher...While they are young the adoptee will go along with this because they simply don’t know better. As teens, they won’t dare say anything so your “feelings” aren’t hurt. As adults they search in secrecy not to offend thir parents. Because it’s all about the adoptive parents. After all, the children were paid for fair and square, right? And have no right to the possibility of their own family tree. Plus the biological family might be scary! Poverty is scary! They should just be grateful. The end.

Look, it’s okay to be the adoptive mom AKA mom. It’s okay to talk about it! Show your children there is no shame in it. Talk about how much you love how your family came to be. But with all that love you need to acknowledge and talk about the loss of your child’s first family. It will be okay. And you will be closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She and I will ALWAYS be the “adoptive” mom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that fact. A child’s needs being met has nothing to do with this. This is about doing what’s right for the adoptee. They are all naturally interested in their history and background. OP, talk only to adult adoptees who went through what your children are going through. Period. A lot of moms here with their head in the sand to avoid feeling hurt.

How sad for your kids that you distinguish yourself like that. I am mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honey, this is “our” family tree! This is your great grandfather Phillip, and your great great grandfather Christopher...While they are young the adoptee will go along with this because they simply don’t know better. As teens, they won’t dare say anything so your “feelings” aren’t hurt. As adults they search in secrecy not to offend thir parents. Because it’s all about the adoptive parents. After all, the children were paid for fair and square, right? And have no right to the possibility of their own family tree. Plus the biological family might be scary! Poverty is scary! They should just be grateful. The end.

Look, it’s okay to be the adoptive mom AKA mom. It’s okay to talk about it! Show your children there is no shame in it. Talk about how much you love how your family came to be. But with all that love you need to acknowledge and talk about the loss of your child’s first family. It will be okay. And you will be closer.

You are so very wrong in all your advice. Maybe that is why the kids struggle. OP is not mom if you feel her identity has to be adoptive mom which creates a divide. If OP is the second family, that makes it sound lesser. Your states are 100% wrong and harmful.

[Anonymous]

Last two comments are delusional.

Using correct terms do not create a divide. I’m using “adoptee” and “adoptive mom” because it’s relevant to this discussion; otherwise it’s mom and child.

OP, it’s best for your boys to talk about adoption regularly so they know know it’s positive and special, age appropriate of course. Adoptive moms with very young children listen up. It doesn’t matter why kids were adopted, please talk about to them from the very beginning and often. Be the one that gives your children the correct language to use when talking about adoption. Otherwise their classmates will.

OP, be positive regardless of the details of your boy’s story. You could start a conversation with their birth parents bringing them into the world and making it possible for them to join your family. Maybe light a candle for them each year. This act shows your boys it’s okay with you to think and talk about them.

OP, If you are feeling hurt ask yourself why. What do you think might happen if your boys talk about it? Do you think your mother/son bond changes? I promise it won’t.

OP, Don’t talk to ignorant parents in denial. Talk to adult adoptees. Spend a weekend hanging out on adult adoptee boards. There is so much research done on this topic. Go find it!

As one wise DCUM put it, “Personally, I don't view adoption as one family erasing another. Both families are real, and if relationships are possible, I think they can truly enrich everyone's lives. “

I’d like to add, regular conversations can enrich your bond with your adoptive children. If relationships are not possible, still talk about it! Adoption or not!

OP, you went to an online board for help. Where do your boys get to go for help? It’s needs to be you. You can do this!

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, this is why we choose not to adopt. My dh and I had a number of adopted friends who had this attitude, especially if there were bio children involved. Not sure I could have handled this situation, but many adoptive parents can.

Would get therapy for yourself and your child OP. There must be some underlying issues you could work with.

[Anonymous]

+1 therapy

[Anonymous]

I'll recommend a terrific book: TWENTY THINGS ADOPTED KIDS WISH THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS KNEW. It's a guide through some of the feelings adoptive kids have and some of the ways those feelings get expressed.

As another poster noted, even though what was said landed hurtfully for you, it really wasn't about you. Your ES-age kids are trying to find language to talk about very big and complicated feelings they have.

As a parent in a family built through adoption, I will echo that the positive talk in your family about adoption will sometimes get undermined by mean or thoughtless kids. Throughout ES and especially MS, my DD was often asked about her "real mom" and more than once told that her real parents didn't love her enough to keep her. To equip your kids to deal with all that, you've got to be the safe space for their feelings.