My children (adopted) said that we weren't a real family

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry! That sounds hurtful. That being said, I think they meant it as bio mom, not "real" mom. You handled this great, and you sound like an awesome mom. Depending on their ages, it might be fine to tell them that saying such is hurtful if they repeat it for some reason.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. I think you sound like a wonderful mother and handled it the best way you could.

My two siblings are adopted and I am our parents only bio child. My siblings have told me “you’re not my real sister” and “we aren’t family” more than once, and even as adults. It super stings. So while I am not a mother who has adopted, I can relate to an adopted family member throwing it in your face that you aren’t related by blood.

Those kids know you’re their mother, the real one, the one that counts the most.

[Anonymous]

That's so hard, OP - but in a way it shows how comfortable your children feel talking about these very big feelings with you that they were able to say things so plainly. Children are often very blunt without meaning to be. Maybe kids have made comments to them about not being a real family, maybe they have had questions and weren't sure how to ask them and so they blurted them out now. It sounds like you handled it well - just like the loving mother you are.

[Anonymous]

Don’t read too much into the incident. Kids say the darndest things. I would wait and see if the comments came up over and over again before responding to them in anything other than a jokey fashion. Your son may not even remember saying this 6 months or a year from now. REAL to him probably doesn’t have the connotations you are giving to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs! I think the kids mean biological sense. Kids are very literal at elementary age, the nuances aren’t there yet. You sound like a great mom by the way by listening, I might have let hurt feelings get to me. You didn’t. Great job Mom!

Exactly my thought. I don't think they mean you aren't their real mom in the social, familial, legal sense. I think they mean they did not literally come out of your body (especially because this was immediately preceeded by them mentioning S-E-X to make babies).

[Anonymous]

They probably overheard it from other kids, who can be mean. Its impossible to say how you should handle it going forward as it really depends on the type of adoptions you have and what you have said to them up till now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Two elementary aged boys. They were having a conversation in the back seat about growing up and the families they would have (move to LA, buy a mansion, get a wife, have 3 kids). The older told the younger, "You know, you have to have s-e-x (yes, he spelled it out) to have the babies." The younger said, "Ewww." The older said, "You have to have s-e-x or adopt, that's the only way to get a baby." Then he says, "Mom, I wish you had never told me that I was adopted, it makes me feel weird." I say, "What do you mean, tell me more." He says, "It feels like we aren't a real family." I said, "I feel like we are a real family. I've loved you since the day you were born and we live like any other family." He said, "But you aren't my *real* mom." I said, "I feel like your real mom. I love you just as much as any other mom loves her kids." The younger pipes up, "No offense, mom, but it's not the same as being a real mom."

So this felt like a gut punch but I tried not to show it because I want them to come to me with real, true feelings, even when it's hard to hear, without worrying about hurting my feelings. But damn...that was hard to hear.

Any words of advice if this comes up again? Should I bring it up again? Might their thinking evolve over time? We adopted both at birth. Have always acknowledged that they may experience a pain or a loss. Have told them that we would support if they ever choose to search out their birth parents when older.

I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds like you handled this really well.

An insight for you....I am an adoptee, and when other kids found this out, they always asked, "do you know who your real mom is?" This was always the first question, and it naturally puts the idea in kids' heads that their family is somehow not as good/"real" as other families. As a PP said, kids are very literal....they only equate motherhood with actual birth and s-e-x.

I think it's a good sign that your kids feel like they can talk to you about this, even though it hurts you. Yes, their feelings will definitely evolve as they get older, but it will take time. And, in the meantime, they will continue to get ignorant/poorly worded questions from other kids. Unfortunately, there is little you can do about this. Just try to be supportive--acknowledge that they joined your family in a different way, but nothing else about your family is different. You might try humor--"Really? What do these other moms do that I don't do?"

I would not bring up the birth parents right now. That could just make things worse by making them think that you yourself don't consider yourself their parent. Wait until they inquire....and they may never do it. They may search some day without telling you--as they age, they may feel it would hurt your feelings.

[Anonymous]

I think you should talk about it as much as possible. They know they two moms! We talk about our children’s first mothers. Only the positive things now. When they get older I’ll talk about poverty, lack of support, what happened, etc. Maybe you could get a picture of her and talk about similar features. They want to talk about her. It’s never about you, it’s about them. I know it’s easier said than done. Cyber hugs to you.

Absolutely do not say it’s hurtful! Even if this is not an open adoption situation, and we all know that’s better for most of our adopted kiddos, look up open adopting and get an idea of the language used.

[Anonymous]

Google W.I.S.E. UP! for Parents: Empowering Children to Handle Questions/Comments About Adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry OP. I think you sound like a wonderful mother and handled it the best way you could.

My two siblings are adopted and I am our parents only bio child. My siblings have told me “you’re not my real sister” and “we aren’t family” more than once, and even as adults. It super stings. So while I am not a mother who has adopted, I can relate to an adopted family member throwing it in your face that you aren’t related by blood.

Those kids know you’re their mother, the real one, the one that counts the most.

Maybe its how they felt you or your parents treated them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs! I think the kids mean biological sense. Kids are very literal at elementary age, the nuances aren’t there yet. You sound like a great mom by the way by listening, I might have let hurt feelings get to me. You didn’t. Great job Mom!

Exactly my thought. I don't think they mean you aren't their real mom in the social, familial, legal sense. I think they mean they did not literally come out of your body (especially because this was immediately preceeded by them mentioning S-E-X to make babies).

You are way overthinking it. They probably have not been given explanations or terminology that they are comfortable with and probably have a lot of questions about their birth family and are not comfortable asking depending on how the parents view adoption/their family/the birth family.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re a great mom and your kids are in good hands with you. You might characterize me as an anti-adoption person because I have posted here before recommending the term “first mother” for your kids’ genetic/gestational/birth mother, which your son called “real”. Maybe he just doesn’t have another term that means that kind of “real” to him yet? Maybe try “first”? That would acknowledge the significance of his other mother and what I think the sense of loss he was expressing in the car is.

But to affirm you as his mother, remember The Velveteen Rabbit? You are REAL. Look how much you love your sons and how their hurt, like the the loss your son feels about his other mother, also hurts you. But you took that hurt, like that beloved stuffed animal got rubbed smooth and worn down and loose buttons.

You are the mother who gets the everyday abrasions of a kid who doesn’t know he’s hurting you, because he’s so close to you and he can be honest with you even about something that hurts you. You have created that trust. You are real. Love has made you real. Maybe read that book together?

Kudos to you for loving these boys so well.

[Anonymous]

I’m adopted and when I was your sons age, I’d refer to my “real” mom bc using bio mom didn’t occur to me. It was my mom and my real mom. As I got older I no longer said “real” mom so please don’t take it personally. Are you part of a support group? The Barker foundation in Bethesda has support groups for adoptees (children and adult), bio parents, and adoptive parents. It might be good to meet with other adoptive parents to share your experience and see how others navigated it.

[Anonymous]

Don’t reinvent the wheel here folks. YouTube adult adoptees, see what they went through as adolescents. Better than getting misinformation from fellow parents. You will see a consistent pattern and will look at through their eyes.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I have an adopted 6yo. She has not yet said anything like this but I hope I handle it well when/if she does.