My children (adopted) said that we weren't a real family

[Anonymous]

Two elementary aged boys. They were having a conversation in the back seat about growing up and the families they would have (move to LA, buy a mansion, get a wife, have 3 kids). The older told the younger, "You know, you have to have s-e-x (yes, he spelled it out) to have the babies." The younger said, "Ewww." The older said, "You have to have s-e-x or adopt, that's the only way to get a baby." Then he says, "Mom, I wish you had never told me that I was adopted, it makes me feel weird." I say, "What do you mean, tell me more." He says, "It feels like we aren't a real family." I said, "I feel like we are a real family. I've loved you since the day you were born and we live like any other family." He said, "But you aren't my *real* mom." I said, "I feel like your real mom. I love you just as much as any other mom loves her kids." The younger pipes up, "No offense, mom, but it's not the same as being a real mom."

So this felt like a gut punch but I tried not to show it because I want them to come to me with real, true feelings, even when it's hard to hear, without worrying about hurting my feelings. But damn...that was hard to hear.

Any words of advice if this comes up again? Should I bring it up again? Might their thinking evolve over time? We adopted both at birth. Have always acknowledged that they may experience a pain or a loss. Have told them that we would support if they ever choose to search out their birth parents when older.

Please, would the occasional DCUM anti-adoption posters skip this one, please? I don't want to feel any worse.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. My spouse was adopted, and we live in a neighborhood with lots of adopted kids, so my (biological) kid is growing up with lots of different types of families being the norm.

Could you get them some books that feature different different types of families? Perhaps there are meetups or groups you could join for other families with adoptees, so they don't feel like it's so weird/unusual?

[Anonymous]

OP sending you hugs, This is so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Maybe talk more about what being a mom means to them. The actions and emotions, not just the biology. Explain that most people can do the biology part, but not everybody can do the emotional, raiding and nurturing part. More books and movies with adopted kids. And know that it’s posdible him saying “real mom” means something different to him than it means to you, and it may not reflect the deep, true love he has for you and feels that you have for him.

[Anonymous]

Hugs! I think the kids mean biological sense. Kids are very literal at elementary age, the nuances aren’t there yet. You sound like a great mom by the way by listening, I might have let hurt feelings get to me. You didn’t. Great job Mom!

[Anonymous]

It is obvious you are a great mom. Your boys are honest and working out their "issues" right in front of you and with you. Honestly, they seem to free to tell you anything, that is a sign you have nothing to worry about at all. Bio kids are just as hurtful at certain ages to their parents, and like to push the buttons. I get it you feeling are hurt, but you kept your calm, you reacted perfectly controlled. I admire you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two elementary aged boys. They were having a conversation in the back seat about growing up and the families they would have (move to LA, buy a mansion, get a wife, have 3 kids). The older told the younger, "You know, you have to have s-e-x (yes, he spelled it out) to have the babies." The younger said, "Ewww." The older said, "You have to have s-e-x or adopt, that's the only way to get a baby." Then he says, "Mom, I wish you had never told me that I was adopted, it makes me feel weird." I say, "What do you mean, tell me more." He says, "It feels like we aren't a real family." I said, "I feel like we are a real family. I've loved you since the day you were born and we live like any other family." He said, "But you aren't my *real* mom." I said, "I feel like your real mom. I love you just as much as any other mom loves her kids." The younger pipes up, "No offense, mom, but it's not the same as being a real mom."

So this felt like a gut punch but I tried not to show it because I want them to come to me with real, true feelings, even when it's hard to hear, without worrying about hurting my feelings. But damn...that was hard to hear.

Any words of advice if this comes up again? Should I bring it up again? Might their thinking evolve over time? We adopted both at birth. Have always acknowledged that they may experience a pain or a loss. Have told them that we would support if they ever choose to search out their birth parents when older.

Please, would the occasional DCUM anti-adoption posters skip this one, please? I don't want to feel any worse.

I don't think you should bring it up proactively, but I do think that it will come up again and that you should have a plan for what to say if it comes up. In general, I would want to know more about what they think a "real mom" is and if they are curious about their "real moms" and that's what's driving that. Depending on what you mean by "elementary aged" I would also figure out a way to convey that saying things like what they said IS hurtful to you. They can have feelings about being adopted and wonder about their birth mothers or whatever, but they don't just get to say hurtful things to you because of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious you are a great mom. Your boys are honest and working out their "issues" right in front of you and with you. Honestly, they seem to free to tell you anything, that is a sign you have nothing to worry about at all. Bio kids are just as hurtful at certain ages to their parents, and like to push the buttons. I get it you feeling are hurt, but you kept your calm, you reacted perfectly controlled. I admire you.

My impression, too. Kids say things like this and my guess is that he'll feel differently as he grows older but you have to let him have his feelings now and not make it about you. (at least when they're this age!) You did great!

[Anonymous]

Do they have other friends with adopted families? That would be my first place to start.

Also, I just wanted to mention you did great by not reacting in the moment! I get how hard it is to keep up the poker face so you can be a safe place for them.

[Anonymous]

In literal kid speak, real = grew me in belly. That is what they mean, probably. Maybe you could say "you are right, I didn't grow you myself. That's true." So affirm them. Then work on "The really important part of being a family, of being a mom, though, isn't about how you are born. Being a mom is about loving you, and taking care of you, and tucking you into bed, and always being there for you. You are my real kid and I will always be your mom."

[Anonymous]

You did amazing. My brothers are adopted, and grappled with some of these issues too, and to the "you're not my real mom" comments my mom replied, "I feel pretty real" while poking herself.

I said some harsh things to my parents growing up, my son has said some harsh things to me (I hate you! I wish I lived with dad! etc), and sometimes you just gotta roll with it and not react.

I would think about what to say next time, and think about how you can try to frame the conversation - like explaining to them the difference between a bio mom and an adoptive mom but saying that both are very real - and always always end with, "I love you". You're a great mom, doing a great job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious you are a great mom. Your boys are honest and working out their "issues" right in front of you and with you. Honestly, they seem to free to tell you anything, that is a sign you have nothing to worry about at all. Bio kids are just as hurtful at certain ages to their parents, and like to push the buttons. I get it you feeling are hurt, but you kept your calm, you reacted perfectly controlled. I admire you.

My impression, too. Kids say things like this and my guess is that he'll feel differently as he grows older but you have to let him have his feelings now and not make it about you. (at least when they're this age!) You did great!

Pp again. This reminds me of my kid. We went back to my home state for a memorial service for my aunt, one of the few people of the older generation left in my extended family. (My parents are dead.) I wanted dd to go because a lot of her cousins would be there and she needed to meet them and get to know them better. However, it was also dd's 16th birthday that weekend. Oh my you would have thought it was the most horrible thing in the world to have to go to a family event on her 16th birthday. But I let her complain about it and didn't take it personally. Although she overdid it at some point and I was, like, "okay, that's enough. We've registered that your unhappy. Zip it." Anyway, ten years later as an adult she feels really guilty about complaining!

[Anonymous]

Damn I’m sorry. I would feel gutted. At the same time know that kids say things all the time that are blunt/insensitive/etc but they don’t love you any less.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. For what it's worth, the fact that this conversation is even happening shows you are a "real mom" because this is the kind of crap kids say either because they don't get that it hurts us or they DO get that it hurts us. I get "I'm moving to my dad's he's definitely a better parent than you are" (single parent)

[Anonymous]

I might've asked them what they think a "real mom" is or does and see where that takes the conversation.

They may have been struggling with the term "bio" or "birth mom" and used real mom instead. You can acknowledge that your family was formed differently than most.

FWIW, I think you handled it very well, even though I know it hurts. Sometimes it just takes maturing to realize that families are made differently and that one isn't valid than another.

Signed,
An adult adoptee with bio and adopted children of her own.