My children (adopted) said that we weren't a real family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, this is why we choose not to adopt. My dh and I had a number of adopted friends who had this attitude, especially if there were bio children involved. Not sure I could have handled this situation, but many adoptive parents can.

Would get therapy for yourself and your child OP. There must be some underlying issues you could work with.

It gets very complex with biological kids and one child can easily be the odd child out. There is more to what is going on and the approach OP is using is not best for her kids.

[Anonymous]

OP---I too hear the "real" mom comment from my kiddos. I pinch myself and say, "hmm . . . I don't feel imaginary . . . "

I also always say, "Yeah, you may not have come out of my belly, but you absolutely came out of my heart."

But I don't minimize or try to dismiss or deflect any curiosity regarding bio-mom. It's perfectly natural. Heck, if I wonder about her a great deal (and I do--ours was an intl. adoption), then I fully expect my children wonder even more so. I also think that it is positive to comment on the attributes that child may have gotten from bioparents, such as natural athletic ability, musical talent, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious you are a great mom. Your boys are honest and working out their "issues" right in front of you and with you. Honestly, they seem to free to tell you anything, that is a sign you have nothing to worry about at all. Bio kids are just as hurtful at certain ages to their parents, and like to push the buttons. I get it you feeling are hurt, but you kept your calm, you reacted perfectly controlled. I admire you.

+1. Also, your boys will appreciate you even more in adulthood if you continue down this path of open dialogue and unconditional love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious you are a great mom. Your boys are honest and working out their "issues" right in front of you and with you. Honestly, they seem to free to tell you anything, that is a sign you have nothing to worry about at all. Bio kids are just as hurtful at certain ages to their parents, and like to push the buttons. I get it you feeling are hurt, but you kept your calm, you reacted perfectly controlled. I admire you.

+1. Also, your boys will appreciate you even more in adulthood if you continue down this path of open dialogue and unconditional love.

I disagree. Why can you can maintain an open dialogue without becomig a push over? I would have said that, I AM YOUR REAL MOM because I raised you and know and love you best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two elementary aged boys. They were having a conversation in the back seat about growing up and the families they would have (move to LA, buy a mansion, get a wife, have 3 kids). The older told the younger, "You know, you have to have s-e-x (yes, he spelled it out) to have the babies." The younger said, "Ewww." The older said, "You have to have s-e-x or adopt, that's the only way to get a baby." Then he says, "Mom, I wish you had never told me that I was adopted, it makes me feel weird." I say, "What do you mean, tell me more." He says, "It feels like we aren't a real family." I said, "I feel like we are a real family. I've loved you since the day you were born and we live like any other family." He said, "But you aren't my *real* mom." I said, "I feel like your real mom. I love you just as much as any other mom loves her kids." The younger pipes up, "No offense, mom, but it's not the same as being a real mom."

So this felt like a gut punch but I tried not to show it because I want them to come to me with real, true feelings, even when it's hard to hear, without worrying about hurting my feelings. But damn...that was hard to hear.

Any words of advice if this comes up again? Should I bring it up again? Might their thinking evolve over time? We adopted both at birth. Have always acknowledged that they may experience a pain or a loss. Have told them that we would support if they ever choose to search out their birth parents when older.

Please, would the occasional DCUM anti-adoption posters skip this one, please? I don't want to feel any worse.

I don't think you should bring it up proactively, but I do think that it will come up again and that you should have a plan for what to say if it comes up. In general, I would want to know more about what they think a "real mom" is and if they are curious about their "real moms" and that's what's driving that. Depending on what you mean by "elementary aged" I would also figure out a way to convey that saying things like what they said IS hurtful to you. They can have feelings about being adopted and wonder about their birth mothers or whatever, but they don't just get to say hurtful things to you because of that.

I doubt that it will come up again. I have to assume that pretty soon the boys will realize what a hurtful thing that is to say to their mother and not say anything like that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry! That sounds hurtful. That being said, I think they meant it as bio mom, not "real" mom. You handled this great, and you sound like an awesome mom. Depending on their ages, it might be fine to tell them that saying such is hurtful if they repeat it for some reason.

But then they will feel even more guilty for honest feeling that they may be having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs! I think the kids mean biological sense. Kids are very literal at elementary age, the nuances aren’t there yet. You sound like a great mom by the way by listening, I might have let hurt feelings get to me. You didn’t. Great job Mom!

+1000

I'm sure my (bio) kids would love to have such an understanding mom.

[Anonymous]

I was adopted. I always felt I was different and our family was different. My adoptive mom passed when I was 3, my adopted brother when I was 13, and my dad when I was 23. It wasn't until my dad passed that I realized/felt like I had been part of a real family. Through therapy I came to realize is spent my life in a grief cycle for a life and people I've never known. I used to want to find my birth parents just to see what they were like. When my dad died, I never thought of it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every single adopted teenager I’ve met (tons at Lab, Oakwood, etc.) every adopted adult (cousin, BFF, coworker) I know wants to know about their birth parents/family) It’s just the reality. Talk about it white their needs in mind. It will not take away from you, their adoptive mother.

I have several friends who are adopted and they have no interest in finding their birth families. One was kinda interested when we adopted after our experience but decided against it as her family is her family and she's clear about it. Her needs are met. You are generalizing to a specific population. And, if its more talked about today its because of social media and it being easier to open adoption records and DNA tests or open adoptions where there is some or a lot of contact). Sadly its hyped up and sometimes its great and sometimes not.

I don't think this is typical. Most people have a primal urge to want to know who they are and where they came from. I think some adoptees try to suppress this desire out of guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She and I will ALWAYS be the “adoptive” mom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that fact. A child’s needs being met has nothing to do with this. This is about doing what’s right for the adoptee. They are all naturally interested in their history and background. OP, talk only to adult adoptees who went through what your children are going through. Period. A lot of moms here with their head in the sand to avoid feeling hurt.

How sad for your kids that you distinguish yourself like that. I am mom.

In your mind. Most likely they are very aware of having another mom out there. But they have probably picked up that you aren't too receptive to that notion, so they know better to let on how they feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honey, this is “our” family tree! This is your great grandfather Phillip, and your great great grandfather Christopher...While they are young the adoptee will go along with this because they simply don’t know better. As teens, they won’t dare say anything so your “feelings” aren’t hurt. As adults they search in secrecy not to offend thir parents. Because it’s all about the adoptive parents. After all, the children were paid for fair and square, right? And have no right to the possibility of their own family tree. Plus the biological family might be scary! Poverty is scary! They should just be grateful. The end.

Look, it’s okay to be the adoptive mom AKA mom. It’s okay to talk about it! Show your children there is no shame in it. Talk about how much you love how your family came to be. But with all that love you need to acknowledge and talk about the loss of your child’s first family. It will be okay. And you will be closer.

You are so very wrong in all your advice. Maybe that is why the kids struggle. OP is not mom if you feel her identity has to be adoptive mom which creates a divide. If OP is the second family, that makes it sound lesser. Your states are 100% wrong and harmful.

But unless you keep their adoption status a secret, these kids are going to grow up and realize they have another biological family out there. That's significant. I know you wish it wasn't but it actually is, and it's something they will have to work through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious you are a great mom. Your boys are honest and working out their "issues" right in front of you and with you. Honestly, they seem to free to tell you anything, that is a sign you have nothing to worry about at all. Bio kids are just as hurtful at certain ages to their parents, and like to push the buttons. I get it you feeling are hurt, but you kept your calm, you reacted perfectly controlled. I admire you.

+1. Also, your boys will appreciate you even more in adulthood if you continue down this path of open dialogue and unconditional love.

I disagree. Why can you can maintain an open dialogue without becomig a push over? I would have said that, I AM YOUR REAL MOM because I raised you and know and love you best.

All you are doing here is making your kids feel guilty about having thoughts that pretty much all adoptive kids have. This is why adoptive kids don't share their true feelings with their adoptive parents. They are afraid of hurting them, so they just try to disregard the emotional pain that they are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honey, this is “our” family tree! This is your great grandfather Phillip, and your great great grandfather Christopher...While they are young the adoptee will go along with this because they simply don’t know better. As teens, they won’t dare say anything so your “feelings” aren’t hurt. As adults they search in secrecy not to offend thir parents. Because it’s all about the adoptive parents. After all, the children were paid for fair and square, right? And have no right to the possibility of their own family tree. Plus the biological family might be scary! Poverty is scary! They should just be grateful. The end.

Look, it’s okay to be the adoptive mom AKA mom. It’s okay to talk about it! Show your children there is no shame in it. Talk about how much you love how your family came to be. But with all that love you need to acknowledge and talk about the loss of your child’s first family. It will be okay. And you will be closer.

You are so very wrong in all your advice. Maybe that is why the kids struggle. OP is not mom if you feel her identity has to be adoptive mom which creates a divide. If OP is the second family, that makes it sound lesser. Your states are 100% wrong and harmful.

But unless you keep their adoption status a secret, these kids are going to grow up and realize they have another biological family out there. That's significant. I know you wish it wasn't but it actually is, and it's something they will have to work through.

You don't know anything about anyones individual adoption so you are speculating based off your needs and feelings. My child doesn't have to realize anything. They have one family which includes both families as we are close to the maternal family and are in frequent contact. Mine doesn't have to wonder and they are fully supportive of us as parents. There are many times of adoptions and how you handle it is important. Very few adoptions are secret and most have some level of openness now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious you are a great mom. Your boys are honest and working out their "issues" right in front of you and with you. Honestly, they seem to free to tell you anything, that is a sign you have nothing to worry about at all. Bio kids are just as hurtful at certain ages to their parents, and like to push the buttons. I get it you feeling are hurt, but you kept your calm, you reacted perfectly controlled. I admire you.

+1. Also, your boys will appreciate you even more in adulthood if you continue down this path of open dialogue and unconditional love.

I disagree. Why can you can maintain an open dialogue without becomig a push over? I would have said that, I AM YOUR REAL MOM because I raised you and know and love you best.

All you are doing here is making your kids feel guilty about having thoughts that pretty much all adoptive kids have. This is why adoptive kids don't share their true feelings with their adoptive parents. They are afraid of hurting them, so they just try to disregard the emotional pain that they are dealing with.

Who are in in this situation? If you are a birthparent, you need therapy to deal with your own issues. Not all kids who joined a family through adoption are scared to share their feelings. Likewise, not all choose to seek out their birth family and are happy with their families and who they are. Everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious you are a great mom. Your boys are honest and working out their "issues" right in front of you and with you. Honestly, they seem to free to tell you anything, that is a sign you have nothing to worry about at all. Bio kids are just as hurtful at certain ages to their parents, and like to push the buttons. I get it you feeling are hurt, but you kept your calm, you reacted perfectly controlled. I admire you.

+1. Also, your boys will appreciate you even more in adulthood if you continue down this path of open dialogue and unconditional love.

I disagree. Why can you can maintain an open dialogue without becomig a push over? I would have said that, I AM YOUR REAL MOM because I raised you and know and love you best.

You are selfish. I hope you don’t adopt.