My children (adopted) said that we weren't a real family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every single adopted teenager I’ve met (tons at Lab, Oakwood, etc.) every adopted adult (cousin, BFF, coworker) I know wants to know about their birth parents/family) It’s just the reality. Talk about it white their needs in mind. It will not take away from you, their adoptive mother.

I have several friends who are adopted and they have no interest in finding their birth families. One was kinda interested when we adopted after our experience but decided against it as her family is her family and she's clear about it. Her needs are met. You are generalizing to a specific population. And, if its more talked about today its because of social media and it being easier to open adoption records and DNA tests or open adoptions where there is some or a lot of contact). Sadly its hyped up and sometimes its great and sometimes not.

I don't think this is typical. Most people have a primal urge to want to know who they are and where they came from. I think some adoptees try to suppress this desire out of guilt.

No they don't have a primal urge or they'd go look. Some do, some don't. Stop with the primal nonsense. They aren't trying to suppress guilt.

[Anonymous]

You are either a troll or one of those super religious all I want to do is “save” the children type. In return, they must forget their past and be thankful 24/7. ?

[Anonymous]

First, you are a great mom; keep up the positive dialogue when they bring it up. Ignore the stupid troll comments.

It’s natural for kids- people to wonder where, whom, when they were born (what time, place, city, etc.). After a number of times my kids (I have adopted boys) had asked, mentioned, threw the reference at me - I finally said to the one son who kept pushing it , “Look just because I didn’t poop you out of my uterus doesn’t mean I’m not your mom. I’m standing here in front of you I’ve changed your diapers, taken care of all your boo boos and kissed you every chance I could and can get. I feed you- love, food, and motherly lectures on being being kind, show manners, lift the toilet seat, and to flush the damn toilet... You betcha I’m your real mom. Now for the love of God go wash your hands, and brush your teeth, we’re leaving for school in ten minutes!! Pinch me! I’m here, I’m your mother. I’ve smelt and dealt it!” He came and pinched me, “ Yeah, you’re my real mom!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every single adopted teenager I’ve met (tons at Lab, Oakwood, etc.) every adopted adult (cousin, BFF, coworker) I know wants to know about their birth parents/family) It’s just the reality. Talk about it white their needs in mind. It will not take away from you, their adoptive mother.

I have several friends who are adopted and they have no interest in finding their birth families. One was kinda interested when we adopted after our experience but decided against it as her family is her family and she's clear about it. Her needs are met. You are generalizing to a specific population. And, if its more talked about today its because of social media and it being easier to open adoption records and DNA tests or open adoptions where there is some or a lot of contact). Sadly its hyped up and sometimes its great and sometimes not.

I don't think this is typical. Most people have a primal urge to want to know who they are and where they came from. I think some adoptees try to suppress this desire out of guilt.

I'm an adult adoptee and didn't particularly care about meeting my biological relatives. My bio mother ended up contacting me through the adoption agency in adulthood and I was fine with meeting her--once she contacted me I enjoyed seeing pictures of relatives and seeing physical resemblances, hearing some history etc. but it didn't seem like that big of a deal--kind along the lines of hearing about your grandparent's childhoods--mildly engaging, not deeply connected to my own identity. My bio mother is nice and an interesting person, but a little needy about me and I don't feel all that much connection to her. I feel bad that it was hard for her to give me up for adoption but I was a baby when it happened. It didn't feel particularly primal to meet her. I talk to her maybe once or twice a year--a tad out of guilt because giving me up for adoption was such a huge challenge in her life and she never quite came to terms with it. My adoptive parents were always a bit surprised that I didn't look for my biological relatives because I am generally curious, but it just never strike me as that important. I haven't bothered to contact other biological relatives. I have met one of my bio mom's kids when they were in town which was kind of fun--the others live further away. I don't feel like I was previously or am currently suppressing any deep desires for biological connection, but that's kind of hard to disprove.

[Anonymous]

If you have had any education about parenting adopted kids this would not be a surprising comment at all. I would go to your agency and get post-adoption support immediately for YOU. Your child’s comment has to do with lack of additional language - birth mom, first mom, etc - that you have failed to teach him. I beg you, do NOT take offense but instead get yourself education. Adoptees need guidance and the language to be able to express themselves especially as they get older.

Signed,
An adult adoptee

[Anonymous]

+1

As part of my training ( in preparation for adopting my child) we were told to expect such comments, why they are made, how to react, etc.

We were also told to discuss birth parents early and often, in a positive light. If you have not done this, post-adoptive counseling is definitely in order. Consider CASE.

[Anonymous]

Curious if someone at school is influencing them?

[Anonymous]

Such comments are often made by "unwoke" kids AND adults. You have to give your kids more positive language and attitudes about their history, so that they are prepared to respond.

WISE Up is a program that does this.

https://adoptionsupport.org/education-resources/for-professionals/c-s-e-publications/w-i-s-e-

[Anonymous]

PS-They train the parents at the same time, but in separate sessions, from the children.

[Anonymous]

I agree that if it comes up again you should ask them some more questions, because it definitely sounds like they’re working through some feelings. I would want to know things like “how do you think your life would be different if your bio mom raised you?“ “You said you sometimes feel weird that you were adopted. What kinds of situations make you feel that way?“

[Anonymous]

True, it might be good to explore their fantasies about "real moms." Given your feelings though, it might be hard for both parties if you are the one to lead this discussion. Seek out CASE, to help with this.

[Anonymous]

If you are local the Barker Adoption Foundation in Bethesda has post adoption support services and support groups that could be very helpful in this scenario. Wish you and your family all the best. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such comments are often made by "unwoke" kids AND adults. You have to give your kids more positive language and attitudes about their history, so that they are prepared to respond.

WISE Up is a program that does this.

https://adoptionsupport.org/education-resources/for-professionals/c-s-e-publications/w-i-s-e-

Agree with this, from my experience as an adoptee in my 40s. People still use "real" language, often out of ignorance and not necessarily malice. I could see how it'd be easy for a child to internalize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is obvious you are a great mom. Your boys are honest and working out their "issues" right in front of you and with you. Honestly, they seem to free to tell you anything, that is a sign you have nothing to worry about at all. Bio kids are just as hurtful at certain ages to their parents, and like to push the buttons. I get it you feeling are hurt, but you kept your calm, you reacted perfectly controlled. I admire you.

Agree. Your kids being able to tell your their feelings and you handling this pain is exactly what being a mom is. They won’t remember this moment, which you will probably carry with you forever, but the safety and security in which you raised them to be able to share how they feel is what makes a “real mom”.

That being said, kids can be jerks.

[Anonymous]

It is not true that all adoptive kids want to find their birthparents. Most are curious at some point in their lives, but it is often in relation to medical history, the desire to tell the birthmother that they are okay or to see the physical similarities in their biological relatives . It is not always some dramatic "PRIMAL" longing.