My mom laughed when I told her my son choked at daycare

[Anonymous]

OP, here. I guess I feel the need to defend myself a bit here. My son’s been having issues with feeding - gagging, choking, hard swallows, coughing - for the past 8 months (as in, when he started solids). The daycare has catered meals; he already had a designated lunch buddy (an adult who sits with him while he eats) and had been getting food that is chopped in smaller pieces than his same-age peers. So after he got a piece of pear the size of a Cheerio lodged in his throat, his pediatrician suggested he get a feeding evaluation done. A SLP with extra training in feeding issues (swallowing, chewing, moving the tongue) does the evaluation. It turned out his mouth skills are fine, but I don’t think I overreacted by taking this seriously.

As a side note, I got married and had him in my late thirties. It’s looking like we won’t be able to have another child. And I think that pain, in combination with “trying to keep a toddler alive” is making me more sensitive.

On the other hand, my parents have a history of invalidating and minimizing my feelings and experiences. This interaction just felt different because they were minimizing what happened to my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. I guess I feel the need to defend myself a bit here. My son’s been having issues with feeding - gagging, choking, hard swallows, coughing - for the past 8 months (as in, when he started solids). The daycare has catered meals; he already had a designated lunch buddy (an adult who sits with him while he eats) and had been getting food that is chopped in smaller pieces than his same-age peers. So after he got a piece of pear the size of a Cheerio lodged in his throat, his pediatrician suggested he get a feeding evaluation done. A SLP with extra training in feeding issues (swallowing, chewing, moving the tongue) does the evaluation. It turned out his mouth skills are fine, but I don’t think I overreacted by taking this seriously.

As a side note, I got married and had him in my late thirties. It’s looking like we won’t be able to have another child. And I think that pain, in combination with “trying to keep a toddler alive” is making me more sensitive.

On the other hand, my parents have a history of invalidating and minimizing my feelings and experiences. This interaction just felt different because they were minimizing what happened to my child.

A few thoughts:

1) That is a lot more information than you gave in your initial post. When you don't give full information but expect people to act as if they had full information, you're setting them up to let you down in their response, and that's not fair to them. I realize your parents may have had more of this information already than we had, but it's something to think about.

2) Your increased sensitivity around your infertility is a separate issue from the incident with your son. I can understand why you might be feeling more emotionally raw right now, but be careful about expecting people to walk on eggshells around you on things unrelated to the fertility issue because again, you're setting them up to let you down.

3) You know your parents have a history of minimizing your feelings and experiences, so stop expecting anything else from them. They are not the people to turn to for support when you go through a stressful episode with your kid. Since the evaluation came back fine, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to them at all, and definitely not with the expectation of the sympathy and support you were looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. I guess I feel the need to defend myself a bit here. My son’s been having issues with feeding - gagging, choking, hard swallows, coughing - for the past 8 months (as in, when he started solids). The daycare has catered meals; he already had a designated lunch buddy (an adult who sits with him while he eats) and had been getting food that is chopped in smaller pieces than his same-age peers. So after he got a piece of pear the size of a Cheerio lodged in his throat, his pediatrician suggested he get a feeding evaluation done. A SLP with extra training in feeding issues (swallowing, chewing, moving the tongue) does the evaluation. It turned out his mouth skills are fine, but I don’t think I overreacted by taking this seriously.

As a side note, I got married and had him in my late thirties. It’s looking like we won’t be able to have another child. And I think that pain, in combination with “trying to keep a toddler alive” is making me more sensitive.

On the other hand, my parents have a history of invalidating and minimizing my feelings and experiences. This interaction just felt different because they were minimizing what happened to my child.

I think you could explain all of this to your parents and they will continue to be the types to think that you overreacted.

FWIW, I think you and the daycare are doing a really good job of addressing this. And you need to keep on doing what you are doing. The health and safety of your child depends on it.

You should not leave your son alone with your parents - ever. As in never. They don't get it and they probably never will. I'm sorry, but they not only sound like clueless know it alls, they also sound like mean spirited jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is ridiculous to do a feeding eval at a hospital based on this. And basically the hospital told you it wasn’t an issue. I think your mom probably laughed at what the hospital told you and likely thinks you are paranoid. I would laugh if someone told me they reacted like this to a mild choke. Like I laugh at people who go to the ER because they have a cold or stub a toe.

This.

Part of learning how to feed oneself is learning not to stuff your mouth too full. Mild choking is fairly common during the learning process, and yes, sometimes after a "emergency" we all laugh when the dust settles.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think a lot of responses here were over the top harsh. What you're doing for your toddler is great. You're acting responsibly. Ignore the haters.

FWIW, choking is a serious matter. Your parents are insensitive for downplaying it and dismissing your concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe that is her nervous reaction? Why was it surprising this time?

But really OP, this wasn’t serious. Age appropriate behavior. Kids do this all the tine and why you have to watch them while they eat.

This--if she often laughs inappropriately, then you know that is her reaction. Maybe it's how she reacts when she's nervous. Maybe it's what she does to avoid getting anxious. Whatever, you know she does this and you're freaking out about it--why, exactly? Who cares?

Your son is fine, and I would probably laugh (internally) at a parent who had a feeding evaluation done on a toddler who choked once. It happens. Kids put too much in their mouths or they don't chew enough. You keep an eye on them until they get better at it.

+1
Clearly you have a bad relationship with your mom, so you were more likely to take her response as malicious.
But yeah, taking a kid to the hospital and having a feeding evaluation because a toddler choked is a laughable reaction. I don't think I'd ever laugh out loud to someone about it, but I'd be laughing inside, and depending on our relationshpi might suggest that you overreacted a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. I guess I feel the need to defend myself a bit here. My son’s been having issues with feeding - gagging, choking, hard swallows, coughing - for the past 8 months (as in, when he started solids). The daycare has catered meals; he already had a designated lunch buddy (an adult who sits with him while he eats) and had been getting food that is chopped in smaller pieces than his same-age peers. So after he got a piece of pear the size of a Cheerio lodged in his throat, his pediatrician suggested he get a feeding evaluation done. A SLP with extra training in feeding issues (swallowing, chewing, moving the tongue) does the evaluation. It turned out his mouth skills are fine, but I don’t think I overreacted by taking this seriously.

As a side note, I got married and had him in my late thirties. It’s looking like we won’t be able to have another child. And I think that pain, in combination with “trying to keep a toddler alive” is making me more sensitive.

On the other hand, my parents have a history of invalidating and minimizing my feelings and experiences. This interaction just felt different because they were minimizing what happened to my child.

A few thoughts:

1) That is a lot more information than you gave in your initial post. When you don't give full information but expect people to act as if they had full information, you're setting them up to let you down in their response, and that's not fair to them. I realize your parents may have had more of this information already than we had, but it's something to think about.

2) Your increased sensitivity around your infertility is a separate issue from the incident with your son. I can understand why you might be feeling more emotionally raw right now, but be careful about expecting people to walk on eggshells around you on things unrelated to the fertility issue because again, you're setting them up to let you down.

3) You know your parents have a history of minimizing your feelings and experiences, so stop expecting anything else from them. They are not the people to turn to for support when you go through a stressful episode with your kid. Since the evaluation came back fine, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to them at all, and definitely not with the expectation of the sympathy and support you were looking for.

All of this. This is who your parents are, and expecting them to be different is setting them up to fail and you to be frustrated. And in general, expecting people to react a certain way, especially if they don't have all the information, is setting them up to fail and you to be frustrated. Your parents are almost certainly not *trying* to be unkind; they very likely learned to minimize or downplay their own negative emotions and experiences, and this is now they do it. Or they might just be oddballs who react inappropriately. Either way, this is who they are, and the sooner you stop expecting them to be someone else, the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You did a feeding evaluation because of one incident of choking on a piece of pear?

Yes, this struck me as a bit of an overreaction as well. OP, sorry, but I snickered to myself about your reaction as well. I wouldn't have done it outright the way your mother did - that was rude and you have a right to be upset with her over it - but it does appear you overreact quite a bit. the eval bc of one choking incident, and now your overreaction to your mom laughing. It's rude, yes, but you need to calm down.

+1

And I'm glad your child is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. That reaction is truly appalling. I would not leave your son alone with them for a second. At best their judgement and critical thinking skills are impaired. At worst they have a real mean streak.

I'm glad that your son is o.k., Op. Were your parents like this when you were growing up?

Holy overboard.

Sometimes people laugh at inappropriate times. It is a nervous response. It doesn't mean they are malicious, or that they can't be trusted. It's really difficult to judge the situation over the internet.

Their grandson choked and had to be evaluated at the hospital. Their response was to laugh hysterically and tell Op that it "wasn't a big deal". Nope, they would not be watching my child even for a second.

I doubt he "had" to be evaluated at the hospital. OP chose to have him evaluated. He didn't need to go to the hospital for the choking, because the daycare staff dealt with it.

Wrong! And dangerous information. You always need to see a doctor after a choking incident. A child can choke in the evening, seem fine afterwards then die in the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. I guess I feel the need to defend myself a bit here. My son’s been having issues with feeding - gagging, choking, hard swallows, coughing - for the past 8 months (as in, when he started solids). The daycare has catered meals; he already had a designated lunch buddy (an adult who sits with him while he eats) and had been getting food that is chopped in smaller pieces than his same-age peers. So after he got a piece of pear the size of a Cheerio lodged in his throat, his pediatrician suggested he get a feeding evaluation done. A SLP with extra training in feeding issues (swallowing, chewing, moving the tongue) does the evaluation. It turned out his mouth skills are fine, but I don’t think I overreacted by taking this seriously.

As a side note, I got married and had him in my late thirties. It’s looking like we won’t be able to have another child. And I think that pain, in combination with “trying to keep a toddler alive” is making me more sensitive.

On the other hand, my parents have a history of invalidating and minimizing my feelings and experiences. This interaction just felt different because they were minimizing what happened to my child.

A few thoughts:

1) That is a lot more information than you gave in your initial post. When you don't give full information but expect people to act as if they had full information, you're setting them up to let you down in their response, and that's not fair to them. I realize your parents may have had more of this information already than we had, but it's something to think about.

2) Your increased sensitivity around your infertility is a separate issue from the incident with your son. I can understand why you might be feeling more emotionally raw right now, but be careful about expecting people to walk on eggshells around you on things unrelated to the fertility issue because again, you're setting them up to let you down.

3) You know your parents have a history of minimizing your feelings and experiences, so stop expecting anything else from them. They are not the people to turn to for support when you go through a stressful episode with your kid. Since the evaluation came back fine, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to them at all, and definitely not with the expectation of the sympathy and support you were looking for.

All of this. This is who your parents are, and expecting them to be different is setting them up to fail and you to be frustrated. And in general, expecting people to react a certain way, especially if they don't have all the information, is setting them up to fail and you to be frustrated. Your parents are almost certainly not *trying* to be unkind; they very likely learned to minimize or downplay their own negative emotions and experiences, and this is now they do it. Or they might just be oddballs who react inappropriately. Either way, this is who they are, and the sooner you stop expecting them to be someone else, the better.

Uhhh, these people are coming to stay in Op's home. They are going to be around her child and they should know that the child has a history of gagging/choking on food, more so than is usual (according to the observations of his daycare). Of course Op should have told them about this issue.

Their reaction speaks volumes about the complete lack of regard that they give to Op's concern. These are the types that will give the kid pear chunks just to prove to Op that she is "wrong" and over reacting.

Op should never leave her son with these people. Ever. She should set the table so that her son is in between Op and her dh. Sounds harsh but too bad.

[Anonymous]

Here's what the American Red Cross has to say:

A child who has choked and has been given back blows, abdominal thrusts or chest thrusts to clear the airway requires a medical evaluation. Internal injuries and damage to the airway may not be evident immediately.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a similar issue come up with a food allergy with one of my three children and my mother not taking it seriously, even to the point of not wanting to carry his epi-pen when she took him somewhere. I stopped trusting her to carry that, let alone inject it in an emergency so I stopped letting her take him places. I lost it once and actually screamed at the top of my lungs at my mother about how my child will probably have to carry the epi for the rest of his life, and now i believe she takes things more seriously, but he is old enough now to start carrying it himself as well. The combination of yelling at her, educating her more, and restricting access to him for his personal safety, did the trick with her, but I lost almost all respect I had for her at that time. She is also getting older and losing her filter.

It's really hard to educate people about certain illnesses.

I thought the poster who gives the advice quoted below advice was good, until I realized it was really conflicting. How do you both educate someone close to you about a life-threatening issue and yet simlutaneously stop expecting things from them? It's hard, especially if they see your children a lot.

1) That is a lot more information than you gave in your initial post. When you don't give full information but expect people to act as if they had full information, you're setting them up to let you down in their response, and that's not fair to them. I realize your parents may have had more of this information already than we had, but it's something to think about.

3) You know your parents have a history of minimizing your feelings and experiences, so stop expecting anything else from them. They are not the people to turn to for support when you go through a stressful episode with your kid. Since the evaluation came back fine, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to them at all, and definitely not with the expectation of the sympathy and support you were looking for.

I think this is good advice and while I think this person is probably advocating still telling them about these issues without expecting support, it's almost impossible in practice, at least in my experience. We all expect something from our parents. Just saying "don't expect anything else from them" is not realistic.

What I do now is have my husband communicate with them about these types of issues because he is less emotional about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. I guess I feel the need to defend myself a bit here. My son’s been having issues with feeding - gagging, choking, hard swallows, coughing - for the past 8 months (as in, when he started solids). The daycare has catered meals; he already had a designated lunch buddy (an adult who sits with him while he eats) and had been getting food that is chopped in smaller pieces than his same-age peers. So after he got a piece of pear the size of a Cheerio lodged in his throat, his pediatrician suggested he get a feeding evaluation done. A SLP with extra training in feeding issues (swallowing, chewing, moving the tongue) does the evaluation. It turned out his mouth skills are fine, but I don’t think I overreacted by taking this seriously.

As a side note, I got married and had him in my late thirties. It’s looking like we won’t be able to have another child. And I think that pain, in combination with “trying to keep a toddler alive” is making me more sensitive.

On the other hand, my parents have a history of invalidating and minimizing my feelings and experiences. This interaction just felt different because they were minimizing what happened to my child.

A few thoughts:

1) That is a lot more information than you gave in your initial post. When you don't give full information but expect people to act as if they had full information, you're setting them up to let you down in their response, and that's not fair to them. I realize your parents may have had more of this information already than we had, but it's something to think about.

2) Your increased sensitivity around your infertility is a separate issue from the incident with your son. I can understand why you might be feeling more emotionally raw right now, but be careful about expecting people to walk on eggshells around you on things unrelated to the fertility issue because again, you're setting them up to let you down.

3) You know your parents have a history of minimizing your feelings and experiences, so stop expecting anything else from them. They are not the people to turn to for support when you go through a stressful episode with your kid. Since the evaluation came back fine, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to them at all, and definitely not with the expectation of the sympathy and support you were looking for.

All of this. This is who your parents are, and expecting them to be different is setting them up to fail and you to be frustrated. And in general, expecting people to react a certain way, especially if they don't have all the information, is setting them up to fail and you to be frustrated. Your parents are almost certainly not *trying* to be unkind; they very likely learned to minimize or downplay their own negative emotions and experiences, and this is now they do it. Or they might just be oddballs who react inappropriately. Either way, this is who they are, and the sooner you stop expecting them to be someone else, the better.

Uhhh, these people are coming to stay in Op's home. They are going to be around her child and they should know that the child has a history of gagging/choking on food, more so than is usual (according to the observations of his daycare). Of course Op should have told them about this issue.

Their reaction speaks volumes about the complete lack of regard that they give to Op's concern. These are the types that will give the kid pear chunks just to prove to Op that she is "wrong" and over reacting.

Op should never leave her son with these people. Ever. She should set the table so that her son is in between Op and her dh. Sounds harsh but too bad.

Pp here who wrote the numbered list above. You completely missed the point, which was about emotional expectations. OP knows her parents, she knows they are dismissive, and when she expects them to behave otherwise, she's setting herself up for disappointment. Nothing of what was posted by me or the poster below me had anything to do with whether OP should leave her child alone with her parents (I actually agree with you that she shouldn't), it was all about whether she should continue to expect she can tell her parents about something like this with the expectation of support or comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. I guess I feel the need to defend myself a bit here. My son’s been having issues with feeding - gagging, choking, hard swallows, coughing - for the past 8 months (as in, when he started solids). The daycare has catered meals; he already had a designated lunch buddy (an adult who sits with him while he eats) and had been getting food that is chopped in smaller pieces than his same-age peers. So after he got a piece of pear the size of a Cheerio lodged in his throat, his pediatrician suggested he get a feeding evaluation done. A SLP with extra training in feeding issues (swallowing, chewing, moving the tongue) does the evaluation. It turned out his mouth skills are fine, but I don’t think I overreacted by taking this seriously.

As a side note, I got married and had him in my late thirties. It’s looking like we won’t be able to have another child. And I think that pain, in combination with “trying to keep a toddler alive” is making me more sensitive.

On the other hand, my parents have a history of invalidating and minimizing my feelings and experiences. This interaction just felt different because they were minimizing what happened to my child.

A few thoughts:

1) That is a lot more information than you gave in your initial post. When you don't give full information but expect people to act as if they had full information, you're setting them up to let you down in their response, and that's not fair to them. I realize your parents may have had more of this information already than we had, but it's something to think about.

2) Your increased sensitivity around your infertility is a separate issue from the incident with your son. I can understand why you might be feeling more emotionally raw right now, but be careful about expecting people to walk on eggshells around you on things unrelated to the fertility issue because again, you're setting them up to let you down.

3) You know your parents have a history of minimizing your feelings and experiences, so stop expecting anything else from them. They are not the people to turn to for support when you go through a stressful episode with your kid. Since the evaluation came back fine, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to them at all, and definitely not with the expectation of the sympathy and support you were looking for.

All of this. This is who your parents are, and expecting them to be different is setting them up to fail and you to be frustrated. And in general, expecting people to react a certain way, especially if they don't have all the information, is setting them up to fail and you to be frustrated. Your parents are almost certainly not *trying* to be unkind; they very likely learned to minimize or downplay their own negative emotions and experiences, and this is now they do it. Or they might just be oddballs who react inappropriately. Either way, this is who they are, and the sooner you stop expecting them to be someone else, the better.

Uhhh, these people are coming to stay in Op's home. They are going to be around her child and they should know that the child has a history of gagging/choking on food, more so than is usual (according to the observations of his daycare). Of course Op should have told them about this issue.

Their reaction speaks volumes about the complete lack of regard that they give to Op's concern. These are the types that will give the kid pear chunks just to prove to Op that she is "wrong" and over reacting.

Op should never leave her son with these people. Ever. She should set the table so that her son is in between Op and her dh. Sounds harsh but too bad.

Pp here who wrote the numbered list above. You completely missed the point, which was about emotional expectations. OP knows her parents, she knows they are dismissive, and when she expects them to behave otherwise, she's setting herself up for disappointment. Nothing of what was posted by me or the poster below me had anything to do with whether OP should leave her child alone with her parents (I actually agree with you that she shouldn't), it was all about whether she should continue to expect she can tell her parents about something like this with the expectation of support or comfort.

Gotcha. I think you are right that Op can't expect her parents to be there to support her. But since they are coming to her home, Op absolutely did the right thing in telling them about this issue. They clearly do not "get it" and now Op is going to have to watch them around her kid unfortunately. They can't be trusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar issue come up with a food allergy with one of my three children and my mother not taking it seriously, even to the point of not wanting to carry his epi-pen when she took him somewhere. I stopped trusting her to carry that, let alone inject it in an emergency so I stopped letting her take him places. I lost it once and actually screamed at the top of my lungs at my mother about how my child will probably have to carry the epi for the rest of his life, and now i believe she takes things more seriously, but he is old enough now to start carrying it himself as well. The combination of yelling at her, educating her more, and restricting access to him for his personal safety, did the trick with her, but I lost almost all respect I had for her at that time. She is also getting older and losing her filter.

It's really hard to educate people about certain illnesses.

I thought the poster who gives the advice quoted below advice was good, until I realized it was really conflicting. How do you both educate someone close to you about a life-threatening issue and yet simlutaneously stop expecting things from them? It's hard, especially if they see your children a lot.

1) That is a lot more information than you gave in your initial post. When you don't give full information but expect people to act as if they had full information, you're setting them up to let you down in their response, and that's not fair to them. I realize your parents may have had more of this information already than we had, but it's something to think about.

3) You know your parents have a history of minimizing your feelings and experiences, so stop expecting anything else from them. They are not the people to turn to for support when you go through a stressful episode with your kid. Since the evaluation came back fine, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to them at all, and definitely not with the expectation of the sympathy and support you were looking for.

I think this is good advice and while I think this person is probably advocating still telling them about these issues without expecting support, it's almost impossible in practice, at least in my experience. We all expect something from our parents. Just saying "don't expect anything else from them" is not realistic.

What I do now is have my husband communicate with them about these types of issues because he is less emotional about it.

I'm the poster you're responding to, I don't agree that the points are in conflict. The first point was whether you can expect greater emotional sensitivity around X than someone would show anyone else, when that person doesn't know Y is going on that makes you more sensitive. I specifically noted that OP's parents may have had full information and thus the point didn't apply to that particular incident, but since it was a behavior OP showed in this thread, I felt it was worth noting it in a general commentary on communication and expectations.

On the third point, I didn't say OP should withhold pertinent information from her parents. I said I probably wouldn't have mentioned the evaluation because it came back fine and with no information OP's parents needed to have. If OP were trying to have a discussion with her parents about food safety during the visit, she could have kept it to DS has been having issues with choking and gagging while eating lately, this is what the ped wants us to do for safety. That doesn't mean her parents wouldn't have been dismissive anyway, but piling on a bunch of extraneous information like the feeding evaluation just gives fuel to their dismissive fire and distracts from the real issue (safety). That's somewhat irrelevant, though, because it doesn't sound like OP was telling her parents about it in the context of a safety discussion, it sounds like she was telling them about it because she was looking for support. It's a natural impulse to seek support from your parents, but when your parents can't/won't provide it, the healthiest thing to do is stop seeking it. You identified a great solution to this, passing pertinent information through your spouse who isn't emotionally invested in their response the same way you are.

Putting the two points together, point three is about the gating question of whether a particular person is someone from whom you can realistically expect support and compassion. If the answer to that question is no (as is the case with OP's parents), then you shouldn't seek support there, period. If the answer is yes, then you go back to point one and make sure you're giving the person the information they need to give you the support you're looking for instead of setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment by expecting them to read your mind.