My mom laughed when I told her my son choked at daycare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. That reaction is truly appalling. I would not leave your son alone with them for a second. At best their judgement and critical thinking skills are impaired. At worst they have a real mean streak.

I'm glad that your son is o.k., Op. Were your parents like this when you were growing up?

Holy overboard.

Sometimes people laugh at inappropriate times. It is a nervous response. It doesn't mean they are malicious, or that they can't be trusted. It's really difficult to judge the situation over the internet.

Their grandson choked and had to be evaluated at the hospital. Their response was to laugh hysterically and tell Op that it "wasn't a big deal". Nope, they would not be watching my child even for a second.

I doubt he "had" to be evaluated at the hospital. OP chose to have him evaluated. He didn't need to go to the hospital for the choking, because the daycare staff dealt with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people react really inappropriately to bad or shocking news and can not control it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she thinks it’s funny that your kid choked.

And when they do laugh inappropriately they say "Oh, I'm sorry honey. I'm glad that he's o.k. It was just the tone of your voice that made me laugh. Sorry about that!"

They don't just laugh even harder and then tell Op that what happened is NBD. Op was obviously very concerned about it and their reactions were terrible.

[Anonymous]

I think it is ridiculous to do a feeding eval at a hospital based on this. And basically the hospital told you it wasn’t an issue. I think your mom probably laughed at what the hospital told you and likely thinks you are paranoid. I would laugh if someone told me they reacted like this to a mild choke. Like I laugh at people who go to the ER because they have a cold or stub a toe.

[Anonymous]

Back when your parents were growing up, plenty of kids gagged or choked on a bit of food and no one would have taken their kid to the hospital to be evaluated.
If it were serious they would have gone to the ER but not a feeding clinic.
She shouldn't have laughed but you need to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe that is her nervous reaction? Why was it surprising this time?

But really OP, this wasn’t serious. Age appropriate behavior. Kids do this all the tine and why you have to watch them while they eat.

This--if she often laughs inappropriately, then you know that is her reaction. Maybe it's how she reacts when she's nervous. Maybe it's what she does to avoid getting anxious. Whatever, you know she does this and you're freaking out about it--why, exactly? Who cares?

Your son is fine, and I would probably laugh (internally) at a parent who had a feeding evaluation done on a toddler who choked once. It happens. Kids put too much in their mouths or they don't chew enough. You keep an eye on them until they get better at it.

Maybe he had gagged before but had never actually choked to the point that his airway was cut off.

Regardless, that would be scary and nothing to laugh about.

[Anonymous]

Devaluing or invalidating your experience and distress is hurtful, especially coming from your parents. Mine did the same when I told them their coworker harrassed me- lots of nervous laughing and, “oh, what’s the big deal?”
That’s probably how they were parented as well. Focus on your child, and validate his experiences with empathy as he continues his journey to adulthood. Break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Because I can't tell you how many times I had to reach down the throat of one of my kids and retrieve something they were gagging on. Your mother and father probably did the same, just like most (if not all) of us have done, and they thought it was silly that you went to the hospital and had a "feeding evaluation" (whatever THAT is). I'd laugh at you too.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM and was with the kids for 90% of their meals. They gagged sometimes but they never choked to the point were something was lodged in their trachea. That is what the daycare said happened to him. That is why Op took this so seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did a feeding evaluation because of one incident of choking on a piece of pear?

Yes, this struck me as a bit of an overreaction as well. OP, sorry, but I snickered to myself about your reaction as well. I wouldn't have done it outright the way your mother did - that was rude and you have a right to be upset with her over it - but it does appear you overreact quite a bit. the eval bc of one choking incident, and now your overreaction to your mom laughing. It's rude, yes, but you need to calm down.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the people we love make mistakes. You have to forgive her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your mom. I imagine this isn't the first time you've interacted with her. Your son is fine.

If you have an otherwise non-toxic relationship, this wouldn't bother me.

Agree. Though it would bother me enough that I'd say, "Mom, you laughed when I said DC choked. What was that all about? It really threw me off." Because, you know, an adult child should be able to talk to a parent frankly and express this. Did you do that, OP? Did you say anything to her in the moment?

I'm NOT saying this is all on you, or that you're wrong, OP. I'd be bugged too, in your shoes. But I'm saying, why didn't you just then and there say, "Hey, not funny to ME, mom, what's with the laughing?" Is she so sensitive she'd get angry? Are you so sensitive about upsetting or angering her that you wouldn't say that now, after the fact? If the latter is the case, you and she have other issues as parent and child, other than her inappropriate laughing.

And for OP and all the usual "mom is horrible for laughing" posters, I'm always amazed how on DCUM everyone has no concept of generational differences in how people react to child-related things. I'm wagering that your mom was raised when parents tended to brush off anything that didn't end in a hospital stay. Yes, that's not good, I agree, but it's also not intentionally cruel or toxic or ignorant. And as PPs have noted, some people tend to have a nervous reaction of laughter--and some of those people are bad at recognizing their own reaction and apologizing.

Just TELL her that you're still thinking about how she laughed and that you want to say that it was upsetting and scary for you. Then redirect and focus on the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Your over-reaction is funny, OP. Cut them a break. In their day the idea for taking a kid for a feeding evaluation (which didn't even exist probably) because he stuffed his mouth and (surprise) choked one time, is beyond ludicrous to their generation. And to some of us.

[Anonymous]

The feeding evaluation may have been suggested by the daycare. Maybe they noticed that Op's son was gagging more often than the other kids and they requested that Op get her son checked out.

Maybe Op needs to pack different things for her son to eat at school.

[Anonymous]

My parents mocked me for being neurotic when my newborn was deteriorating due to a life threatening intestinal blockage. He was my third child, so I knew something was really wrong when he wouldn't nurse anymore. They even got my dh to laugh with them, and he's normally an exceptionally sensitive guy. Later my mom told my brother she feels guilty for her behavior, so I guess that's my apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people react really inappropriately to bad or shocking news and can not control it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she thinks it’s funny that your kid choked.

And when they do laugh inappropriately they say "Oh, I'm sorry honey. I'm glad that he's o.k. It was just the tone of your voice that made me laugh. Sorry about that!"

They don't just laugh even harder and then tell Op that what happened is NBD. Op was obviously very concerned about it and their reactions were terrible.

This is the most reasonable response here.