Considering Divorce

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP -- you are a narcissist. I'm so very sorry that your life isn't a bliss-filled fairy tale. Time to grow up, embrace compromises and imperfections, and focus on the good in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I'm about 8 months into the divorce process, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that divorce isn't always. A key to happiness. You will have new sets of problems. Less money. You may need to move. You get your kids less often. Your kids will deal with emotional trauma, and possibly anger and rage as a result. Their schoolwork may suffer. Once they are older, they may choose to live with their father, and often time judges will let older kids have their say.

Dating with kids is tough. Even if you find someone, blended families are a million times more challenging. assuming your DH remarries, your kids will spend holidays with step relatives who don't care about them, and your kids are old enough to know it.

Your future step children may hate you. Your future beau may have an ex from hell.

I just point this out because it isn't like you are picking between your "meh" life and happiness.

It sounds to me like you are expecting your husband to make you happy. Happiness is a choice. Wherever you go, there you are. You need to be a happy person.

Marriage with kids is hard. Hard, hard, hard. It sucks the lives from many marriages. Some people buckle down and push through. Some have affairs. Some leave.

At the end of the day, you need to be responsible for your own emotions and stop expecting someone else to make you happy.

NP here, I really appreciate your writing this. It's reality I needed to hear.

To those slinging "narcissist" to OP and others, let me say I get where you are coming from. I used to have a good, even great marriage with typical ups and downs, and I also thought divorced people were selfish. It takes having your marriage become truly miserable to understand what could drive people to divorce. OP, hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I'm about 8 months into the divorce process, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that divorce isn't always. A key to happiness. You will have new sets of problems. Less money. You may need to move. You get your kids less often. Your kids will deal with emotional trauma, and possibly anger and rage as a result. Their schoolwork may suffer. Once they are older, they may choose to live with their father, and often time judges will let older kids have their say.

Dating with kids is tough. Even if you find someone, blended families are a million times more challenging. assuming your DH remarries, your kids will spend holidays with step relatives who don't care about them, and your kids are old enough to know it.

Your future step children may hate you. Your future beau may have an ex from hell.

I just point this out because it isn't like you are picking between your "meh" life and happiness.

It sounds to me like you are expecting your husband to make you happy. Happiness is a choice. Wherever you go, there you are. You need to be a happy person.

Marriage with kids is hard. Hard, hard, hard. It sucks the lives from many marriages. Some people buckle down and push through. Some have affairs. Some leave.

At the end of the day, you need to be responsible for your own emotions and stop expecting someone else to make you happy.

Thanks for this reality check. I'm in a similar situation to OP and have been thinking about the possibility of divorce. But you're right that I'd be trading one set of problems for another, and there's no guarantee that the grass is greener on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been having problems for a while and have been in counseling for almost a year. He says he loves me very much and just didn't know how to show it before. Counseling isn't working for me though. All that time he didn't know how to show me he loved me, my love for him was dying and it's not coming back. I don't hate him. I like him. I just don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I don't think any amount of counseling or date nights, or vacations will help. It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them? How do I wrap my head around not having them live with me full time? To not share the holidays as a family? To not attend services together every week as a family? To having my DH hate me? I feel so selfish thinking about even leaving. I waffle back and forth constantly. After a nice vacation with the family I think I definitely don't want to leave. But after a few weeks of standard life, I'm back to thinking I can't do this forever. I have been in individual counseling for the last few months and it's not helping me make a decision, I just keep waffling and waffling. Living in a gray world where I'm not happy but not absolutely miserable. Have others in this situation left and been happy? Left and regreted it? Stayed?

You have kids. You stay!

Why?

BECAUSE YOU PROMISED.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is that I'm going through the same thing and having the same thoughts. I can't seem to get past thinking it's selfish to leave. On the other hand, I also know that I will never be the person to make my DH happy. I can't help but think that I'm giving him the opportunity for a better life too. My biggest concern though, is my kids. We are decent about hiding our fights from them, but we don't communicate like a couple that loves each other, we don't show natural (unstrained) affection, and we don't do anything with just each other. We're not modeling the relationship I wish that my kids have one day. 20 years from now, if one of my kids comes to me and says he/she is unhappy in his/her marriage but is sticking it out for the kids, I would hate myself. It's not the advice I would give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I'm about 8 months into the divorce process, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that divorce isn't always. A key to happiness. You will have new sets of problems. Less money. You may need to move. You get your kids less often. Your kids will deal with emotional trauma, and possibly anger and rage as a result. Their schoolwork may suffer. Once they are older, they may choose to live with their father, and often time judges will let older kids have their say.

Dating with kids is tough. Even if you find someone, blended families are a million times more challenging. assuming your DH remarries, your kids will spend holidays with step relatives who don't care about them, and your kids are old enough to know it.

Your future step children may hate you. Your future beau may have an ex from hell.

I just point this out because it isn't like you are picking between your "meh" life and happiness.

It sounds to me like you are expecting your husband to make you happy. Happiness is a choice. Wherever you go, there you are. You need to be a happy person.

Marriage with kids is hard. Hard, hard, hard. It sucks the lives from many marriages. Some people buckle down and push through. Some have affairs. Some leave.

At the end of the day, you need to be responsible for your own emotions and stop expecting someone else to make you happy.

Thanks for this reality check. I'm in a similar situation to OP and have been thinking about the possibility of divorce. But you're right that I'd be trading one set of problems for another, and there's no guarantee that the grass is greener on the other side.

Well, I'm not sure if OP should divorce based on the information she provided here. But I am a divorced person and I want to say that no step children hate me. My beau has no ex from hell. I have no money problems. My children are thriving. My life is not perfect. No one's life is perfect. But I live a wonderful life now, putting myself and my children first now.

People deserve to know that the bulk of divorced moms go on to happy and successful lives around here.

As for OP, only she can make this excruciating decision. No one here can make it for her, and she needs to spend a lot of time with a therapist to work it all out. The rest of us are just speculating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The possibility of a divorced woman with three school-aged children finding married bliss with a "dream lover" are pretty slim. I'd stick with the guy you like who is the father of your children.

Actually, this is a pretty stupid statement. Most women around here remarry happily. The trick is finding someone who is a match - roughly equal in terms of age, education, career and/or income. And looks, of course, like it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your children are at a precarious age and you need to think long and hard on whether to divorce or not. I had a 9, 8 and 6 year old when my DW left me. Seven years later the two older ones are seeing a therapist on how to deal with their anger toward mom. It's never easy on the kids and they are real victims when parents have a midlife crisis.

All three of my husband's kids are pretty screwed up because of their divorce. Mom cheated on Dad and made it very difficult for him to see the kids. She replaced Dad with her boyfriend who was a lousy Dad to his and their kids.

Well! Your husband chose a disgusting first wife whose lives a pretty disgusting life. That's what hurt his kids, not the divorce itself.

It doesn't say much about you, either, for marrying him after all of this. Gross.

[Anonymous]

2 words

Midlife Crisis

Don't do a dumb thing based on momentary feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP -- you are a narcissist. I'm so very sorry that your life isn't a bliss-filled fairy tale. Time to grow up, embrace compromises and imperfections, and focus on the good in your life.

I wouldn't call OP a narcissist - but there is some truth to the fact that she's spending a lot of time absorbed in thoughts and worries and repetitive circles about her own happiness. Like - am I happy in this moment?...can it last?...oh, I feel pretty good now but oh, there it goes out the window...I was content yesterday but then woke up this morning feeling down...hey, this week isn't so bad...and on and on and on. Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit but there is some self-absorption here that is only turning OP in circles. You can't constantly be taking the temperature of your happiness (in relation to your DH) to determine if you should stay in your marriage, it will drive you crazy and keep you waffling.

I would just back off of all of this and take a breather - a vacation from the process of agonizing over whether you should stay in your marriage or divorce.
Focus on yourself - as PP said, you can't depend on your DH for your happiness. Just try to be in the moment, keep working on yourself in therapy, work on your mental and physical health.

Does your DH know that you no longer have romantic or sexual feelings for him? Is he willing to stay in the marriage under these circumstances? Also - were you ever in love with your DH? And can you remember what attracted you to him in the first place?

I don't think you are selfish - it's so painful to be in a lonely marriage. But I would take a breather and just re-ground yourself and be more in the moment, for a time. Because waffling like this is getting you nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The possibility of a divorced woman with three school-aged children finding married bliss with a "dream lover" are pretty slim. I'd stick with the guy you like who is the father of your children.

Actually, this is a pretty stupid statement. Most women around here remarry happily. The trick is finding someone who is a match - roughly equal in terms of age, education, career and/or income. And looks, of course, like it or not.

I doubt it. And I doubt they stay remarried. This is more BS like "my children are happy and thriving" from DCUM divorce cheerleaders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I'm not sure if OP should divorce based on the information she provided here. But I am a divorced person and I want to say that no step children hate me. My beau has no ex from hell. I have no money problems. My children are thriving. My life is not perfect. No one's life is perfect. But I live a wonderful life now, putting myself and my children first now.

If you divorced, then by definition you did not put your kids first, you put YOURSELF first, you narcissistic creep.

Unless, of course, your ex was actually beating them, which I doubt.

And in any case, the OP does not say her husband is doing anything abusive, so divorce would not be "putting the kids first".

[Anonymous]

Other than having a child die, divorce with kids is the most painful experience there is. I'm not suggesting OP that you shouldn't. Im just saying that it's a intense pain that will never go away fully, although it lessens. And it sounds like from your post that you are experiencing the same problems that every maBrried couple that has been together for awhile egoes through. It's not great being single with 3 kids -- I know that's a little brutal to say, but its true. There is a massive portion of the dating pool tfor whomt that will be a deal breaker. So be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The possibility of a divorced woman with three school-aged children finding married bliss with a "dream lover" are pretty slim. I'd stick with the guy you like who is the father of your children.

Actually, this is a pretty stupid statement. Most women around here remarry happily. The trick is finding someone who is a match - roughly equal in terms of age, education, career and/or income. And looks, of course, like it or not.

As a male who was divorced with 2 kids and got remarried, I doubt that is true. Older, established, divorced men with kids have way more dating choices than their female counterparts. I remarried to someone 10 years younger with no kids. I would have never remarried to a women who had 3 kids. Nor would I have dated such a person. Way too much baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I'm not sure if OP should divorce based on the information she provided here. But I am a divorced person and I want to say that no step children hate me. My beau has no ex from hell. I have no money problems. My children are thriving. My life is not perfect. No one's life is perfect. But I live a wonderful life now, putting myself and my children first now.

If you divorced, then by definition you did not put your kids first, you put YOURSELF first, you narcissistic creep.

Unless, of course, your ex was actually beating them, which I doubt.

And in any case, the OP does not say her husband is doing anything abusive, so divorce would not be "putting the kids first".

I don't get it. Everyone who has kids and gets a divorce is a narcissistic creep? It seems that the hostility towards a decision that lots of couples make seems a over-the-top on this thread. My guess is it's primarily coming from the same poster since I can't imagine so many people are so unhinged. I know quite a few adults whose parents divorced when they were children and who weren't traumatized or found it to be a huge relief. I can think of quite a few other adult friends who are dealing with issues surrounding their relationships whose parents remained married. I agree that divorce is a major life event in most cases and can be traumatizing, but I would never equate it with the death of a child like another poster did. Sounds like that poster has no idea what it's like to lose a child and has an axe to grind on his/her own unresolved issues over divorce.