Considering Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them?

You don't. But if you wanted the obvious truth you wouldn't be posting here in the divorcee forum.

[Anonymous]

The possibility of a divorced woman with three school-aged children finding married bliss with a "dream lover" are pretty slim. I'd stick with the guy you like who is the father of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been having problems for a while and have been in counseling for almost a year. He says he loves me very much and just didn't know how to show it before. Counseling isn't working for me though. All that time he didn't know how to show me he loved me, my love for him was dying and it's not coming back. I don't hate him. I like him. I just don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I don't think any amount of counseling or date nights, or vacations will help. It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them? How do I wrap my head around not having them live with me full time? To not share the holidays as a family? To not attend services together every week as a family? To having my DH hate me? I feel so selfish thinking about even leaving. I waffle back and forth constantly. After a nice vacation with the family I think I definitely don't want to leave. But after a few weeks of standard life, I'm back to thinking I can't do this forever. I have been in individual counseling for the last few months and it's not helping me make a decision, I just keep waffling and waffling. Living in a gray world where I'm not happy but not absolutely miserable. Have others in this situation left and been happy? Left and regreted it? Stayed?

You have kids. You stay!

Why?

Unless the kids are being exposed to hateful parents you need to stay. Your DH is making an effort with you being the one who hasn't been able to recover. Don't screw up your kids lives because you are waffling.

[Anonymous]

You need to think carefully about whether you are a passive-aggressive person and/or whether you are holding onto a grudge. You don't need to share the answer here, but you need to think really carefully if you are letting your anger and resentment over the past (and other efforts to get your husband to "see the light" that have been rebuffed and ignored) are driving your refusal to accept, forgive, and reconcile. I can't tell you how many women tell me this--if he'd just seen the light at our 10th anniversary when I did everything to rekindle the romance, etc. etc.

The truth is that people move at their own pace. You are not without your own faults and oblivious points. For some people, it's easier to wield that ax than put it down. BUT if that resentment is driving the breakup, your resentments and anger will not dissipate. Remember the adage about the container is damaged by the acid? In fact, the bitterness and ugliness of divorce and custody struggles may very well make you even angrier and more resentful as a human being. This is not a pretty process. And I honestly advise you to look at yourself frankly and think carefully if you are refusing to forgive.

If that is the problem, there are books and therapists who can help people learn to forgive. It's not like it's easy to do and you can admit that you need help learning how to do this.

[Anonymous]

OP, your children are at a precarious age and you need to think long and hard on whether to divorce or not. I had a 9, 8 and 6 year old when my DW left me. Seven years later the two older ones are seeing a therapist on how to deal with their anger toward mom. It's never easy on the kids and they are real victims when parents have a midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

Here’s how I look at being in a bad marriage and considering divorce:

Imagine you haven’t been feeling well for a long time. For years you’ve been dragging, feeling tired, and have aches and pains that started small but have worsened over time. You have a few days every once in a while where you feel better but overall you know something isn’t right.

So you go to the doctor and he says “I can tell you exactly what’s wrong; you have cancer.” You’re surprised but he continues, “Now, you can keep living as you have been and you’ll probably survive another 15-20 years, but today is about as good as you’ll ever feel. In the end this cancer will kill you and it won’t be pretty - it’s a really unpleasant way to die. OR… you can go through surgery and chemo which will be a year of hell - you’ll throw up every day, feel like shit, and your hair will fall out. But the other side of that is that your hair will come back, you’ll be cancer free, and feel happy and healthy again, in fact - you may survive another 30-40 years feeling far better than you do today.”

It’s a tough choice, but it’s your choice; continue your current path, or go through some hard times to get your life back and find happiness.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being selfish. Your children's needs come first. Don't destroy them for your crisis. Life is hard. You need to suck it up and work on your marriage.

People on this board like to encourage others to get divorced. The reality is that even if you find someone else who excites you within years you will be bored. It will be the same story over again.

Marriage has its ups and downs. Dig deep and see what you can do to help fix it.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I'm about 8 months into the divorce process, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that divorce isn't always. A key to happiness. You will have new sets of problems. Less money. You may need to move. You get your kids less often. Your kids will deal with emotional trauma, and possibly anger and rage as a result. Their schoolwork may suffer. Once they are older, they may choose to live with their father, and often time judges will let older kids have their say.

Dating with kids is tough. Even if you find someone, blended families are a million times more challenging. assuming your DH remarries, your kids will spend holidays with step relatives who don't care about them, and your kids are old enough to know it.

Your future step children may hate you. Your future beau may have an ex from hell.

I just point this out because it isn't like you are picking between your "meh" life and happiness.

It sounds to me like you are expecting your husband to make you happy. Happiness is a choice. Wherever you go, there you are. You need to be a happy person.

Marriage with kids is hard. Hard, hard, hard. It sucks the lives from many marriages. Some people buckle down and push through. Some have affairs. Some leave.

At the end of the day, you need to be responsible for your own emotions and stop expecting someone else to make you happy.

[Anonymous]

If OP acts on her malaise with this fact pattern, her kids will hate her for a very long time. She shouldn't under estimate what that might feel like - my bet is that she'd go from feeling blah to major depression in no time flat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how I look at being in a bad marriage and considering divorce:

Imagine you haven’t been feeling well for a long time. For years you’ve been dragging, feeling tired, and have aches and pains that started small but have worsened over time. You have a few days every once in a while where you feel better but overall you know something isn’t right.

So you go to the doctor and he says “I can tell you exactly what’s wrong; you have cancer.” You’re surprised but he continues, “Now, you can keep living as you have been and you’ll probably survive another 15-20 years, but today is about as good as you’ll ever feel. In the end this cancer will kill you and it won’t be pretty - it’s a really unpleasant way to die. OR… you can go through surgery and chemo which will be a year of hell - you’ll throw up every day, feel like shit, and your hair will fall out. But the other side of that is that your hair will come back, you’ll be cancer free, and feel happy and healthy again, in fact - you may survive another 30-40 years feeling far better than you do today.”

It’s a tough choice, but it’s your choice; continue your current path, or go through some hard times to get your life back and find happiness.

But sometimes the treatment doesn't work and you die anyways, after going through the year of hell.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's better that the kids are in two happy homes then one broken one. They can probably see your unhappy. Kids are smart. Good luck on your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how I look at being in a bad marriage and considering divorce:

Imagine you haven’t been feeling well for a long time. For years you’ve been dragging, feeling tired, and have aches and pains that started small but have worsened over time. You have a few days every once in a while where you feel better but overall you know something isn’t right.

So you go to the doctor and he says “I can tell you exactly what’s wrong; you have cancer.” You’re surprised but he continues, “Now, you can keep living as you have been and you’ll probably survive another 15-20 years, but today is about as good as you’ll ever feel. In the end this cancer will kill you and it won’t be pretty - it’s a really unpleasant way to die. OR… you can go through surgery and chemo which will be a year of hell - you’ll throw up every day, feel like shit, and your hair will fall out. But the other side of that is that your hair will come back, you’ll be cancer free, and feel happy and healthy again, in fact - you may survive another 30-40 years feeling far better than you do today.”

It’s a tough choice, but it’s your choice; continue your current path, or go through some hard times to get your life back and find happiness.

But sometimes the treatment doesn't work and you die anyways, after going through the year of hell.

And sometimes the side effects of the treatment are painful, and you live with them everyday, long after you're "cured".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I'm about 8 months into the divorce process, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that divorce isn't always. A key to happiness. You will have new sets of problems. Less money. You may need to move. You get your kids less often. Your kids will deal with emotional trauma, and possibly anger and rage as a result. Their schoolwork may suffer. Once they are older, they may choose to live with their father, and often time judges will let older kids have their say.

OP, you'd better assume that if there is a divorce, the kids will spend 50% of their time living with their dad even before they are older.

[Anonymous]

The best thing to do is separate while living very close by for everybodies convenience and see how it works out. That way you can see what the actual fallout/benefit is and then make a informed decision about divorce or reuniting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your children are at a precarious age and you need to think long and hard on whether to divorce or not. I had a 9, 8 and 6 year old when my DW left me. Seven years later the two older ones are seeing a therapist on how to deal with their anger toward mom. It's never easy on the kids and they are real victims when parents have a midlife crisis.

All three of my husband's kids are pretty screwed up because of their divorce. Mom cheated on Dad and made it very difficult for him to see the kids. She replaced Dad with her boyfriend who was a lousy Dad to his and their kids.