Considering Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The possibility of a divorced woman with three school-aged children finding married bliss with a "dream lover" are pretty slim. I'd stick with the guy you like who is the father of your children.

Actually, this is a pretty stupid statement. Most women around here remarry happily. The trick is finding someone who is a match - roughly equal in terms of age, education, career and/or income. And looks, of course, like it or not.

As a male who was divorced with 2 kids and got remarried, I doubt that is true. Older, established, divorced men with kids have way more dating choices than their female counterparts. I remarried to someone 10 years younger with no kids. I would have never remarried to a women who had 3 kids. Nor would I have dated such a person. Way too much baggage.

I've got a few divorced friends with three kids. All remarried. One is engaged to a great guy.

Never heard the term baggage referred to re: kids. I guess you're different than these other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I'm not sure if OP should divorce based on the information she provided here. But I am a divorced person and I want to say that no step children hate me. My beau has no ex from hell. I have no money problems. My children are thriving. My life is not perfect. No one's life is perfect. But I live a wonderful life now, putting myself and my children first now.

If you divorced, then by definition you did not put your kids first, you put YOURSELF first, you narcissistic creep.

Unless, of course, your ex was actually beating them, which I doubt.

And in any case, the OP does not say her husband is doing anything abusive, so divorce would not be "putting the kids first".

You are nuts.

[Anonymous]

The kids are the true victims in a divorce. Some handle it well, others don't. A parent who puts their own needs before their children will always have a difficult relationship going forward. A parent who puts their children needs before their own will have a good relationship going forward. I have seen this in my own divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids are the true victims in a divorce. Some handle it well, others don't. A parent who puts their own needs before their children will always have a difficult relationship going forward. A parent who puts their children needs before their own will have a good relationship going forward. I have seen this in my own divorce.

What advice would you give to put your kids' needs first if you are going through a divorce? It seems a lot of people on this thread don't believe that's possible. I haven't been in your shoes, so I'm genuinely curious how you balance the competing interests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The possibility of a divorced woman with three school-aged children finding married bliss with a "dream lover" are pretty slim. I'd stick with the guy you like who is the father of your children.

Actually, this is a pretty stupid statement. Most women around here remarry happily. The trick is finding someone who is a match - roughly equal in terms of age, education, career and/or income. And looks, of course, like it or not.

As a male who was divorced with 2 kids and got remarried, I doubt that is true. Older, established, divorced men with kids have way more dating choices than their female counterparts. I remarried to someone 10 years younger with no kids. I would have never remarried to a women who had 3 kids. Nor would I have dated such a person. Way too much baggage.

Wow. I don't really judge men who never married and chose not to date women who have kids, but a father who refers to kids as baggage? It's clear who won in your divorce.

[Anonymous]

For 6 months take the view, along with your spouse, that Divorce Is Not An Option.
Get joint counseling on how to communicate together, run the household together, love each other again. Start from scratch. The men shouldn't think by planning a dinner date they have rekindled anything - unless there is serious talking and progress made over dinner. And then women shouldn't assume bad intentions all the time, try to clear the slate.
Finally, this catch-all excuse for divorce really peeves psychologists. "Different personalities" . Duh, everyone has different personalities. You BOTH adapt, you both try to please the other person, you BOTH put your spouse and children before you and your career, and you learn how to communicate and be effective with your spouse and each child you have. You don't cop out and claim "different personalities, I quit" every time you need to work through something with someone. Marriage is not easy, sorry if you were brought up to think that it was. It never has been. It's work, of various amounts. Go do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The possibility of a divorced woman with three school-aged children finding married bliss with a "dream lover" are pretty slim. I'd stick with the guy you like who is the father of your children.

Actually, this is a pretty stupid statement. Most women around here remarry happily. The trick is finding someone who is a match - roughly equal in terms of age, education, career and/or income. And looks, of course, like it or not.

As a male who was divorced with 2 kids and got remarried, I doubt that is true. Older, established, divorced men with kids have way more dating choices than their female counterparts. I remarried to someone 10 years younger with no kids. I would have never remarried to a women who had 3 kids. Nor would I have dated such a person. Way too much baggage.

Does your new wife think of your kids as baggage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been having problems for a while and have been in counseling for almost a year. He says he loves me very much and just didn't know how to show it before. Counseling isn't working for me though. All that time he didn't know how to show me he loved me, my love for him was dying and it's not coming back. I don't hate him. I like him. I just don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I don't think any amount of counseling or date nights, or vacations will help. It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them? How do I wrap my head around not having them live with me full time? To not share the holidays as a family? To not attend services together every week as a family? To having my DH hate me? I feel so selfish thinking about even leaving. I waffle back and forth constantly. After a nice vacation with the family I think I definitely don't want to leave. But after a few weeks of standard life, I'm back to thinking I can't do this forever. I have been in individual counseling for the last few months and it's not helping me make a decision, I just keep waffling and waffling. Living in a gray world where I'm not happy but not absolutely miserable. Have others in this situation left and been happy? Left and regreted it? Stayed?

If your life is the way you described, then divorcing would be incredibly selfish. You like your husband. He isn't abusing you. He loves you "very much". You go on nice vacations. You have three young children. What exactly are you expecting from your life by way of bliss? You're spending too much time navel gazing and taking the temperature of your happiness gauge. Go do something to make you happy, take a hobby, find a class, whatever! Do you think you will be happy divorced? It will be another kind of misery, but this time with the understanding that you've screwed up four more lives, and possibly impoverished your children. What do you want to go through this for? What is the great thing waiting for you at the end of this trip? Do you honestly think couples after sixty years of marriage have romantic or sexual feelings for each other? Liking each other and the satisfaction of the path walked together is what most of the have left, and it's not a bad deal. At all. You could do a lot worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids are the true victims in a divorce. Some handle it well, others don't. A parent who puts their own needs before their children will always have a difficult relationship going forward. A parent who puts their children needs before their own will have a good relationship going forward. I have seen this in my own divorce.

What advice would you give to put your kids' needs first if you are going through a divorce? It seems a lot of people on this thread don't believe that's possible. I haven't been in your shoes, so I'm genuinely curious how you balance the competing interests?

Everyone is different and can only speak for myself. I was honest with my children as to the cause of my divorce with their mother. I never talked bad about her and haven't dated while the kids are my custody (originally 50%, now more like 25%). My XW did the complete opposite and the kids eventually saw through her. After 7 years they are there for me and don't believe they will be there for her. It makes me sad and I tell them that all the time.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any older couples you could talk to? They will all say love ebbs and flows over the years, but it's worth it to share your life and memories together. My grandma and grandpa were married for 60 years and before my grandpa passed away he wrote a memoir of his life. It was very clear in the book that they went through good time and hard times, but the love I could see they had for each other was beautiful.

Raising kids is hard and day to day life with them is usually boring, with kids it's all about the routine. Once they become older and more independent, find a weekly hobby with your DH. You say you still like him, and that is huge. He is making an effort by going to counseling and it sounds like he now understands what you need to feel loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I'm about 8 months into the divorce process, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that divorce isn't always. A key to happiness. You will have new sets of problems. Less money. You may need to move. You get your kids less often. Your kids will deal with emotional trauma, and possibly anger and rage as a result. Their schoolwork may suffer. Once they are older, they may choose to live with their father, and often time judges will let older kids have their say.

Dating with kids is tough. Even if you find someone, blended families are a million times more challenging. assuming your DH remarries, your kids will spend holidays with step relatives who don't care about them, and your kids are old enough to know it.

Your future step children may hate you. Your future beau may have an ex from hell.

I just point this out because it isn't like you are picking between your "meh" life and happiness.

It sounds to me like you are expecting your husband to make you happy. Happiness is a choice. Wherever you go, there you are. You need to be a happy person.

Marriage with kids is hard. Hard, hard, hard. It sucks the lives from many marriages. Some people buckle down and push through. Some have affairs. Some leave.

At the end of the day, you need to be responsible for your own emotions and stop expecting someone else to make you happy.

Thanks for this reality check. I'm in a similar situation to OP and have been thinking about the possibility of divorce. But you're right that I'd be trading one set of problems for another, and there's no guarantee that the grass is greener on the other side.

Same here. My marriage hasn't been good for the last several years. DH is a good dad, son, brother, etc. We just tend to bring out the worst in each other. I sometimes daydream of leaving after a nasty argument. But then reality sets in that it would be a nightmare for all involved. Shuttling kids between 2 households. Them crying for their Dad when with me or for me when with him. They do that already even when he's out to the store or at work. So on we go in our loveless, sexless, and roommate-like marriage. It sucks but it would probably suck even more being divorced. One thing that's a sobering thought for me always is that my DH would eventually date or marry someone else who would be a stepmom to my children and my children would have to live with her and have her be their "other mother". That thought alone makes me nauseous because what if she's not nice to them, or has her own children that she favors openly? As much as I want my personal happiness, I will try to stick it out as much as I can. Yes, by the time my kids will be in HS I will be in my early 50s. And it sucks being unhappy and seeing your spouse unhappy. Our children deserve to see parents who are loving and sweet to each other. But maybe that's just not possible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The possibility of a divorced woman with three school-aged children finding married bliss with a "dream lover" are pretty slim. I'd stick with the guy you like who is the father of your children.

Actually, this is a pretty stupid statement. Most women around here remarry happily. The trick is finding someone who is a match - roughly equal in terms of age, education, career and/or income. And looks, of course, like it or not.

As a male who was divorced with 2 kids and got remarried, I doubt that is true. Older, established, divorced men with kids have way more dating choices than their female counterparts. I remarried to someone 10 years younger with no kids. I would have never remarried to a women who had 3 kids. Nor would I have dated such a person. Way too much baggage.

Does your new wife think of your kids as baggage?

Exactly my thoughts. What a horrible way to label children. They are people, with hearts and feelings. How dare you call them baggage!!!! What a jerk.

[Anonymous]

hmm that's a really tough age for your parents do divorce. do you what you want obviously but just know odds are, it'll f**k their future relationships up.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced. Absent infidelity or abuse, I would rather stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced. Absent infidelity or abuse, I would rather stay married.

What if you enable each other in an unhealthy way?