Reply to Spouse/kids excluded from family event

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[quote=Anonymous]
OP, please ignore those speculating that you surely are to blame, you get drunk around these relatives, whatever. DCUM always has plenty of posters who leap to blame an OP for all the troubles the OP mentions.

I have to second those saying marriage counseling or couples therapy or whatever for you and your husband is the next step. Here's why: While your DH is indeed a big player in the problem, you too need to involve a neutral third party like a therapist or counselor. You and DH now have a wall between you that his BIL and parents built and DH has done nothing to tear down; and you have not spoken up over the years about it.

You actually already have some good script for how to talk to your DH about this initially and get started on expressing yourself about this marriage-long problem. You write several things in an earlier post that you can modify into ways to address this with him:

"BIL and SIL and kids came to our engagement party, wedding, baby shower. They see us at other funerals, weddings, baby showers, bar mitzvahs. I want to say up front to you -- and I really hope you can hear and remember this -- they have never purposefully been mean towards me and there has been no outward drama. I am not claiming any outward conflict on their part. However, the situation around this one bar mitzvah has brought to a head years of what I feel is a very cool attitude toward me on their part. But my real issue now is not them, but our marriage. I feel hurt and confused: You are now saying that things were not like this before I was around. Can you see how I as your wife would find that comment hurtful? I feel like I'm being looked at by you differently now.

"I feel that you clearly want me to say it's OK for you to go alone and that I will be fine with that, but I have to say I'm afraid for the future after this bar mitzvah. I fear that you will resent me for somehow coming between you and your family. And I fear I will resent you for going and not telling them you would not go without your wife to a family event. All this is why I am asking you to start marriage counseling with me, because we are not communicating well; we both seem to have bottled up resentments over a long time; and I feel we need a neutral third party to help us figure out how we got to this point." (Use "I feel X when you do Y" statements, not "You did this!" statements.)

If he is balky, tell him that this looms large for you even if it doesn't for him, and as partners in the marriage, you are asking him to commit to counseling; it won't be for years on end; but it is important to you.

If he tries to say, this is nonsense, it's just one bar mitzvah, let's just drop it, they're nice to you and you're civil to them so forget it etc., tell him that the issue is not the one bar mitzvah and not even his BIL and parents' statements around the event. It is now about something larger, as you see it. And if he does not see it that way, you are STILL asking him to participate in counseling with you because YOU see it that way.

You have a minor in-law issue but a much larger marriage issue. Some are going to say forget about it, but the fact DH would not stand up for your inclusion (or wouldn't just say firmly, "We'll all be there, see you soon" and just TAKE you and your kids as a unit) is not good. The fact he makes comments about how things were different (read: better with BIL) before you were around is pretty damaging.

DH may be aware of whatever it is that keeps BIL so chilly toward you. But you're not after some kind of warm and fuzzy new relationship with BIL here so don't let that aspect distract you. The issue is you and DH.

Regarding the event itself, I would probably at this point tell him that if he wants to go solo, he can, and if he wants to take you and the kids you are willing to go but you will not sit in a hotel room while he and the kids go to the several bar mitzvah events. Either way, he commits to counseling afterward (starting before the event, if at all possible). I admit that I would be concerned that if he goes alone, his BIL, SIL and parents are going to badmouth you while they have him there without you. I would find that pretty worrying especially as he is already making comments about his relationships with them being better before you.[/quote]

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