Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.

[Anonymous]

Do it now. Yes it sucks but beats a divorce. Just cancel the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Why are you even dating much less getting married?
When he proposed couldn't you have said 'not until we work some things out?'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m having serious cold feet.

My soon to be husband is way too close to his family. His family means literally – everything – to him.

*He spent two days in the hospital with his sister when she was in labor. He posted several pictures of his niece on Facebook yet he has never in three years posted a single picture of us aside from his Facebook profile. I’m not mad at all that he posted these photos on Facebook, I am just upset that he clearly values his family way above and beyond our relationship.
*I feel overwhelmed by the amount of time he spends with his family. I’m not comfortable with it. I feel like his family is and will always come first, I will come second.
*He spent 6-8 months/year working in remote conditions. When he would come home he would scurry off to his parents house to see his family for 4-5 nights a week and come home late and I would be sitting there waiting for him.
*He still sees his family 3 times per week, this is something I am grudgingly coming to terms with. I see my own family 2-3 times/year and talk to them on the phone probably once a week for comparison.
*He is obsessed with his nephew and gets frustrated when I show lack of interest. I don’t have any kids and am personally not really interested in other peoples kids – I am however very interested in having kids of my own.
*He forgot to buy me a birthday present one year, yet would ask me what kind of shoes he should buy his sister.
*On that note, he constantly talks about his siblings. His sister in particular, I mean he brings up anecdotes about her daily.
*If he has ANY free time, I mean any where it’s not spending time with me. He will go over to his parent or brother-in-law and sister’s house and wait until I go home for him to go home. The man can’t spend any time by himself.
*He has always lived at home, except for a 3 year relationship with his ex. He has never had his own apartment or living space.

I am freaking out about the likelihood of dealing with this for the rest of my life. The wedding is in two weeks. We have had SEVERAL conversations about this and he has made some changes but I constantly feel like I am coming in second-best.

Have you posted this before? I vaguely remember something like with - along with details that the fiancé wanted to buy a larger car so they could drive his niece/nephew around. Maybe it's a different poster and this is common.

DO NOT marry him. If it's too hard/awkward to cancel the wedding on 2 weeks notice - "postpone" it under the guise of -- we lost the hall; and then you and he talk it out, break up, and never re schedule the wedding.

Being close with your family is one thing but he is overly close. 2 days in the hospital for his sister in labor - was it HIS baby? Buying shoes for his sister - what man does that?? He comes home after 6-8 months working far away and hangs out at his parents' house nightly when he has a girlfriend who is sitting home alone waiting for him?? Randomly talking about his sister - what brother does that unless his sister is going through something major like she just got laid off or cheated on? Yeah - his family is number 1 and always will be. Wait until you have kids -- grandparents and aunt will be at EVERY soccer game, birthday party, and minor school function. Despite the fact that they'll see your kids 5 times a week, it will NEVER be enough. You say you see your family 2-3 times/yr -- I assume some of those times are holidays. Wait until you bring up that you want to spend Christmas with your family so they can get to know your kid. It'll be major drama with grandparents and aunt and your DH will agree with them - bc despite the fact that they see your kid 250-300 times/yr, YOU will be the bitch that is taking away THEIR grandchild for Christmas. I wouldn't get into this - something about his lack of boundaries sounds off and I say this coming from an ethnic, very family oriented culture that can drive you batty (think my Big Fat Greek wedding).

[Anonymous]

We all know you are walking down that aisle in two weeks. You shouldn't, but you are. And in a few months you'll be back saying "he promised to change, but actually things are worse"

[Anonymous]

Call it off. Now. Agree with pp you won't, but you should. Really. Breakup and call it off.

[Anonymous]

You should not marry this man. Call it off tonight, OP. You have got to call off the wedding and cut ties. Don't worry about being embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I just have no idea what to do (well, I do) ... but I feel completely stunned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just have no idea what to do (well, I do) ... but I feel completely stunned.

You'll probably marry him anyway. You've seen the signs forever, you've seen you can't fix it. Posting at the 11th hour to strangers on a chat board isnt going to give you any more insight or clarity than you already have.

You can't say you weren't warned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just have no idea what to do (well, I do) ... but I feel completely stunned.

You're wasting everyone's time. It's clear you have no spine. You'll get married and have a couple of kids and pop up occasionally on dcum to whine about what you did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what you'll be posting in a few years, after marriage and children:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/631259.page

The purpose of the red flags and stress are to warn you of something you know in your gut will be bad for you. So do away with what's bad (in this case, fiance and marriage), and the bad feelings will stop. Don't ignore or gloss over this, or try to put lipstick on the pig. You'll come to regret that.

NP, thanks. I'm dealing with red flags and stress and needed to hear this. Especially the lipstick on the pig part.

To the OP, go. It will be hard and you might feel bad being only two weeks away, but one day I think you'll be so glad you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just have no idea what to do (well, I do) ... but I feel completely stunned.

You're wasting everyone's time. It's clear you have no spine. You'll get married and have a couple of kids and pop up occasionally on dcum to whine about what you did

"But I looooooooooove him!!!!"

[Anonymous]

I'm going to play devils advocate here. I don't think him spending all of his free time with his family is insane. As someone who is not close to any siblings and is an orphan, I hope to marry a man like this. I have dated men that spend their free time on the golf course, at the bar, at the office, etc. If a man values his family and wants to spend time with them, I would respect that and would hope they welcome me. There are much worse places he could be.

[Anonymous]

Studies have shown that the problems (and fights) you have today, you'll have 20 years from now. So unless you are ready to deal with his family and coming in 2nd for the rest of your life, you have to break up with him.

First thing you do is line up your support team--tell you BFF and/or family. But only people who will support you.

Then you tell him. You tell him that nothing has changed, he will not change and he shouldn't have to change. This isn't about him being wrong. It has to do with you two not being compatible. He will promise to change. Don't believe him. He's had plenty of time to put you first. And he hasn't.

If you (stupidly) decide to believe he will change, at least postpone the wedding. And wait at least 1-2 years to see if he really has changed or if it was a lie to keep you around.

But if you are strong and don't believe his lies, then block him on all social media, go out of town for a few days, block his number and start calling vendors (or have friends and family call).

You can do this. You aren't the first bride to call off her wedding, you won't be the last.

[Anonymous]

OP, you 100% know you should cancel the wedding tonight. You 100% know that you are miserable in the status quo and it will get much worse after marriage.

Why won't you end this? Why are you knowingly signing yourself up for a life of misery? You know all you need to know. You KNOW. Why are you just walking up the aisle like a lamb to the slaughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to play devils advocate here. I don't think him spending all of his free time with his family is insane. As someone who is not close to any siblings and is an orphan, I hope to marry a man like this. I have dated men that spend their free time on the golf course, at the bar, at the office, etc. If a man values his family and wants to spend time with them, I would respect that and would hope they welcome me. There are much worse places he could be.

But the difference is that's what you WANT. There definitely people out there who don't have a family unit of their own but have always longed for one -- those people are the perfect fit for fiancé's family. It's not always a bad situation - you hang out with these people like 5 days a week, your kids grow up with their kids, you watch all the kids grow up together and all the adults grow old together, and while there may be squabbles, you truly end up as a family. BUT it only works when the person marrying in wants that. You're the kind of woman OP's fiancé needs. When the person marrying in - doesn't want it; resents it; thinks it's weird -- before they're even married, it will never work. Sure they may marry and be together for a long time - but OP will remain resentful for a LONG LONG time.