Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.

[Anonymous]

You are going to be spending more time with his family once you have kids.

You have to be realistic in that youneach have different ideas for extended family. Neither one is wrong. You two have to sit down and see if this can work. If not, then decid soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to play devils advocate here. I don't think him spending all of his free time with his family is insane. As someone who is not close to any siblings and is an orphan, I hope to marry a man like this. I have dated men that spend their free time on the golf course, at the bar, at the office, etc. If a man values his family and wants to spend time with them, I would respect that and would hope they welcome me. There are much worse places he could be.

Agree. Although it doesn't sound like this is a good match for OP. She, like many women on DCUM, would rather cut the family out altogether. She needs to find someone equally dysfunctional and weary of any blood relationships.

Projecting a little, aren't you? Nowhere is that even hinted at. Surely you can see a middle ground between seeing family 2-3 times a week and cutting off all contact?

Have you cut off your mother, PP? If not, you should soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to play devils advocate here. I don't think him spending all of his free time with his family is insane. As someone who is not close to any siblings and is an orphan, I hope to marry a man like this. I have dated men that spend their free time on the golf course, at the bar, at the office, etc. If a man values his family and wants to spend time with them, I would respect that and would hope they welcome me. There are much worse places he could be.

His relationship is pretty far along the spectrum of family involvement. Enough to be unusual. That doesn't make it wrong or him a bad person but it needs to be something that both members of the couple are happy with. She very clearly isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP - give your fiance this link:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/633039.page

These two would be perfect for each other. Maybe you all can trade spouses.

No they wouldn't. There would be constant conflict between who they spent time with. They would probably count the minutes each of them spent with their own families and argue over each other "spending 3 minutes more with your family than with my family" There would be arguments over who to spend every weekend with let alone holidays. They would end up seeing each other only 1-2 days a week because they would each go back to their families. And ultimately would break up because they had grown so distant. "He just never wants to be with my family!" "She won't come to Sunday dinner at Mom's and that's just a crime!" This is like two narcissists getting married and the marriage failing because each spends so much time looking at themselves in the mirror they forget what their spouse looks like.

LOL - you are completely right!

[Anonymous]

Op here: I told him I want to postpone the wedding. He's not talking to me, he also will not acknowledge the strong differences in family values and doesn't see it as an issue.

[Anonymous]

YOU DID IT! Congratulations!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I told him I want to postpone the wedding. He's not talking to me, he also will not acknowledge the strong differences in family values and doesn't see it as an issue.

Good for you, OP. That is a really hard step to take, but his reaction tells you it was the right decision! You can't be married to someone who refuses to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I told him I want to postpone the wedding. He's not talking to me, he also will not acknowledge the strong differences in family values and doesn't see it as an issue.

Good job, OP!

Honestly, whatever discussion comes, you need to tell him that it matters to *you* and therefore it matters. If he's not willing to at least talk it through with a counselor, you're done.

You're making the right call here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I told him I want to postpone the wedding. He's not talking to me, he also will not acknowledge the strong differences in family values and doesn't see it as an issue.

Good job, OP!

Honestly, whatever discussion comes, you need to tell him that it matters to *you* and therefore it matters. If he's not willing to at least talk it through with a counselor, you're done.

You're making the right call here.

Agree completely with this poster, OP. What he does these next few days will tell you everything you need to know. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YOU DID IT! Congratulations!!!

She just prolonged the suffering

Just wait, she'll be back on the bandwagon before you know it. Parenting cats does not seem to appeal to her.

[Anonymous]

Some point soon, tell him you want to cancel. I have friends who cancelled their wedding a week or two before the wedding. It was so, so much better than divorcing. Yes, it was messy, but a few years down the road they are both married to other people and have started families and are very happy. They were a terrible fit for each other, and canceling the wedding was a great decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m having serious cold feet.

My soon to be husband is way too close to his family. His family means literally – everything – to him.

*He spent two days in the hospital with his sister when she was in labor. He posted several pictures of his niece on Facebook yet he has never in three years posted a single picture of us aside from his Facebook profile. I’m not mad at all that he posted these photos on Facebook, I am just upset that he clearly values his family way above and beyond our relationship.
*I feel overwhelmed by the amount of time he spends with his family. I’m not comfortable with it. I feel like his family is and will always come first, I will come second.
*He spent 6-8 months/year working in remote conditions. When he would come home he would scurry off to his parents house to see his family for 4-5 nights a week and come home late and I would be sitting there waiting for him.
*He still sees his family 3 times per week, this is something I am grudgingly coming to terms with. I see my own family 2-3 times/year and talk to them on the phone probably once a week for comparison.
*He is obsessed with his nephew and gets frustrated when I show lack of interest. I don’t have any kids and am personally not really interested in other peoples kids – I am however very interested in having kids of my own.
*He forgot to buy me a birthday present one year, yet would ask me what kind of shoes he should buy his sister.
*On that note, he constantly talks about his siblings. His sister in particular, I mean he brings up anecdotes about her daily.
*If he has ANY free time, I mean any where it’s not spending time with me. He will go over to his parent or brother-in-law and sister’s house and wait until I go home for him to go home. The man can’t spend any time by himself.
*He has always lived at home, except for a 3 year relationship with his ex. He has never had his own apartment or living space.

I am freaking out about the likelihood of dealing with this for the rest of my life. The wedding is in two weeks. We have had SEVERAL conversations about this and he has made some changes but I constantly feel like I am coming in second-best.

OP - the answer you already know. Look, relationships ending are the reason people have relationships and just don't marry the day they meet. It gives them a chance to learn about each other and figure out if they are compatible. This doesn't mean that one person is better than the other, sometimes, they are just different.

In your case, there is nothing wrong with your fiance being as close to his family as he is. There is also nothing wrong with you not feeling the same way about it.

Therefore, you are not compatible. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Just admit that you are not compatible, and move on.

The only mistake you can make at this point, is getting married to someone that you know you are not compatible with and then having to go through a divorce later, or even worse, sucking it up for the rest of your life, while pretending that everything is okay. It's not genuine or real, don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I told him I want to postpone the wedding. He's not talking to me, he also will not acknowledge the strong differences in family values and doesn't see it as an issue.

Good for you, OP. That is a really hard step to take, but his reaction tells you it was the right decision! You can't be married to someone who refuses to communicate.

Congratulations, OP, for making the tough but right decision. I disagree with PP though that your fiance's reaction is validation. He's in shock right now and it's totally normal that he wouldn't talk to you for the time being. But when he is finally willing to talk with you (and it should be within a week), THAT is when you will know that your decision is the right one. Having said that, IMHO you don't even need to wait until then to know. As PPs have said, problems get magnified 1000x fold during the marriage and being close to one's family is not like drug or alcohol abuse where the person knows deep down they have a problem. Your fiancé is not going to change as much as you want or need him to because at his core, he thinks being close to his family is awesome and will never see how he puts you second let alone see a problem with it.

[Anonymous]

Oh god, OP here. I just found out he has a joint checking bank account with his Mom. He's 32! Ugh. Just another reason.

We still aren't talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh god, OP here. I just found out he has a joint checking bank account with his Mom. He's 32! Ugh. Just another reason.

We still aren't talking.

OP once your fiancé is over the shock and is assuming he is willing, I hope you will find a counselor to walk you both through this. Your issues might be more extreme, but family relationships, expectations, time priorities and finances are all totally common topics for pre-marriage counseling.