Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh god, OP here. I just found out he has a joint checking bank account with his Mom. He's 32! Ugh. Just another reason.

We still aren't talking.

Weird that you were engaged so long and didn't really know much about him. Perhaps you can learn from your mistakes.

Not so weird. You can be with someone for years and be operating under such different assumptions of "normal" that you don't even imagine they're so enmeshed with their family. This happened with me. I just thought his mom was a busybody, and he didn't mention things because he assumed on his end that their ways were normal. Yet she was always tinkering with his bank accounts, making decisions and spending his money, and having him get multiple credit card accounts for her to use, etc. She also planned to have him buy a house for her and him and their other relatives to live in together. He quietly went along with everything, because that's how they do things in his culture and especially in his crazy family. One day he mentioned something about her looking at houses, and I was like, huh? If you buy a house with her, you and I will never be able to afford to buy a house. And he said nothing, but it turned out I was secondary to whatever his family wanted. He and his mom were the real "couple," and she was not letting go. This kind of family sees the spouse as disposable, not legit like the real family, and it's a miserable life, on so many levels. Please get out now, OP. It does get worse and worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I told him I want to postpone the wedding. He's not talking to me, he also will not acknowledge the strong differences in family values and doesn't see it as an issue.

Good for you!!!

And the Bolded tells you that you very clearly have made the correct decision. Break it off altogether, not just postponed. This is one of those irreconcilable differences...you get to know before the marriage.

Good on you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As for having joint accounts-my parents were in my accounts and I was on a few of theirs in case something happened to them or me and we needed to access the account. However, they never used my accounts and I never used theirs.

Op here.

His mom wrote checks from his bank account. Recently. He paid $696 for their electricity bill. It's too weird for me.

Besides the enmeshment and the cold shoulder/refusal to acknowledge OP's concerns, the secrecy about financial matters is also a HUGE red flag. You're on the brink of marriage, and he has a bank account you didn't know about and spends large sums of money to pay his parents' bills? No way. Bad news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As for having joint accounts-my parents were in my accounts and I was on a few of theirs in case something happened to them or me and we needed to access the account. However, they never used my accounts and I never used theirs.

Op here.

His mom wrote checks from his bank account. Recently. He paid $696 for their electricity bill. It's too weird for me.

Besides the enmeshment and the cold shoulder/refusal to acknowledge OP's concerns, the secrecy about financial matters is also a HUGE red flag. You're on the brink of marriage, and he has a bank account you didn't know about and spends large sums of money to pay his parents' bills? No way. Bad news.

Yeah, I don't think it's bad that he helps his parents. Assuming he can afford it, it's a nice thing. It's the fact that OP doesn't know and they don'ts seem to be on the same page that is much more concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As for having joint accounts-my parents were in my accounts and I was on a few of theirs in case something happened to them or me and we needed to access the account. However, they never used my accounts and I never used theirs.

Op here.

His mom wrote checks from his bank account. Recently. He paid $696 for their electricity bill. It's too weird for me.

Besides the enmeshment and the cold shoulder/refusal to acknowledge OP's concerns, the secrecy about financial matters is also a HUGE red flag. You're on the brink of marriage, and he has a bank account you didn't know about and spends large sums of money to pay his parents' bills? No way. Bad news.

Yeah, I don't think it's bad that he helps his parents. Assuming he can afford it, it's a nice thing. It's the fact that OP doesn't know and they don'ts seem to be on the same page that is much more concerning.

I think it's bad that he helps his parents. This isn't normal in middle class America. I hear about it more from immigrant or the working class, but have always thought it was holding their children back. I have a friend who couldn't afford children because her parents took all her extra money. Money should flow downhill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He is sleeping downstairs. It feels real and shitty. I'm not sure how it can be worked out. He's not willing to change and I'm not willing to settle for constantly coming in second:

It cannot be worked out for at least 5 years. He grew up with a set of values for 32 years. It's not reasonable to expect him to change a ton. I say, just get out

[Anonymous]

This sounds like something that belongs on reddit's r/JUSTNOMIL. I'm so glad you saw the signs and are hitting the breaks before things get ugly, OP. There's no way that if you do go through with the wedding you wouldn't end up with a life that was run by your inlaws and if you had kids you can bet that you'd be coparenting with them too.

[Anonymous]

Don't fold, OP. Stay strong. You're doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As for having joint accounts-my parents were in my accounts and I was on a few of theirs in case something happened to them or me and we needed to access the account. However, they never used my accounts and I never used theirs.

Op here.

His mom wrote checks from his bank account. Recently. He paid $696 for their electricity bill. It's too weird for me.

Besides the enmeshment and the cold shoulder/refusal to acknowledge OP's concerns, the secrecy about financial matters is also a HUGE red flag. You're on the brink of marriage, and he has a bank account you didn't know about and spends large sums of money to pay his parents' bills? No way. Bad news.

Yeah, I don't think it's bad that he helps his parents. Assuming he can afford it, it's a nice thing. It's the fact that OP doesn't know and they don'ts seem to be on the same page that is much more concerning.

Yes, that's exactly what I said - the secrecy about financial matters and the bank account from which he pays his parents' bills that OP didn't know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He is sleeping downstairs. It feels real and shitty. I'm not sure how it can be worked out. He's not willing to change and I'm not willing to settle for constantly coming in second:

It cannot be worked out for at least 5 years. He grew up with a set of values for 32 years. It's not reasonable to expect him to change a ton. I say, just get out

You've gotten some good advice here op. Glad you are taking a stand, it seems like you need to get out of this relationship before the wedding happens.

[Anonymous]

I think you are already realizing your own answer to this. I do not know how long you have had a serious relationship with your husband-to-be but you do not sound like you are ready to live the rest of your life with this man.

Do not be afraid to do what your heart is already telling you. To go ahead is not fair to you or him.

This relationship may or may not have a future but I feel that you have already decided that this is not the time for marriage under these conditions.

If you are open to faith-based relationship counseling, here is a place for you to find a good counselor http://bit.ly/2nIfokg. You might also suggest this to your husband to be.

I am praying for you as you deal with all the emotions and feelings. I am praying for your fiance. I pray that you will both find happiness in a relationship that will be mutually rewarding. God bless you.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. Sounds like you are doing the right think by postponing. Hope you find someone who puts you first and who's on the same page as you. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Op, I know you're probably not ready to hear this, but you really should start to separate your finances and household items from him and begin your plan to move out. Seriously. Like others have said, it will not change and will probably get worse as he gets older.

It sounds like you deserve a guy who you are compatible with and who will respect you and your ideals. You will find him, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Calling it off is A LOT less stressful and easier(though it seems like a big deal right now, I know) than it will be to get the divorce you will want in the future. Do not marry this man-child. Get away now before you have started to build a life together with him (and his family). RUN NOW.

[Anonymous]

You will never really come first. OP. Your fiance probably can't see that, because he likely sees you as joining HIS family. Not as the two of you starting your own.

Kids make these things a million times worse. Unexpected stresses will test the marriage. You want to be solid, there for each other. It shouldnt feel like a competition between you and them.

its way better to call it off than go through with it. Its uncomfortable for a while and then its fine. But if you get married its HUGE to divorce. Esp if you have kids.