Husband won't back me up, it seems, ever...

[Anonymous]

Hello,
I'm sure you all remember me from awhile ago. I posted about my sister in law dumping her kids at our house while mother in law babysits.
Anyway, I don't want to write a book, however I just don't see my marriage working out, as in law issues have continued on and it seems my husband (and his mom) live with their heads in the sand. They seem to have Pollyanna syndrome. It seems to be the only way they have been able to function with the way the family operates, so I do understand that. I do also understand that my family in law is not changing....however my husband ALSO is not changing. He does not give me that sense of being on my side. So the more I feel "abandoned" or "alone" during family functions, the louder I complain to him. I tried to explain to him yesterday that it isn't my idea of fun to be a complaining wife. It seems they have all put me in the role of family scapegoat. My stress level is always high, and I feel totally uncomfortable during any family activities. An example is that I went to a birthday party in a park next to in laws house. I took my own car. I showed up and there was no bathroom. Mother in law and husband both told me I needed to wait and we would all go later. I told my husband I really needed to go. Sister in law said I "couldn't use her restroom because their dog would bite". So I told my husband I was leaving, and left. The other latest thing is that my father in law decides regularly that he is "not speaking" with me over any number of offences. Latest was that my daughter called him "weird" and he decided that I had told her to say that to him?! He calls my husband complaining about me. Why wouldn't my husband tell him he doesn't want to hear any more complaining about HIS WIFE? Instead, my husband calls me and says "What did you do to him?"
Then in the next breath, my husband asks me if I have invited them all to our daughter's birthday party. Why in god's name would I do that? He lives in denial.
I feel so worn down from this. I have three kids and feel trapped. How would I care for them all alone? It seems in some ways it would be easier because I wouldn't have the overlying stress of his family. I feel like in 9 years he hasn't changed. I don't know how to get him to realize how much this hurts me. I just sound angry, but really what I am is lonely and hurt. If someone was hurting my spouse, it would hurt me.

[Anonymous]

Your husband's family won't let you use their bathroom when you are at a close by park? They are weirdos and your husband is useless. Although divorce is not always the answer, I don't see the point in staying married to such a weak man. Life is easier when you cut the garbage out.

[Anonymous]

Of course when I left they asked "where did she go?" He said I needed a restroom. They said, "oh, we were going to let her in!" That's a mean, passive aggressive game they play.

[Anonymous]

Start laying the groundwork for leaving. Consult with a lawyer, save money in your own name, get a full-time job if you don't have one.

If you haven't gone to counseling with your husband, you can go and see if it helps. Sometimes it takes a neutral party outside the marriage to point out the problems in a way that the spouse finally understands.

[Anonymous]

Do you recommend telling him I am laying the groundwork for leaving? That sounds like a threat...but yet on the other hand, I feel like my husband doesn't get it. He would say "what? I didn't realize you were THAT unhappy" when it was too late, I am sure.

[Anonymous]

Op, your description of your FIL reminds me of my mil. Do some reading on borderline personality disorder and see if it seems familiar to you.

[Anonymous]

I believe he is narcissistic to a T. But that doesn't matter because the whole family is in denial so nothing will ever be done about that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you recommend telling him I am laying the groundwork for leaving? That sounds like a threat...but yet on the other hand, I feel like my husband doesn't get it. He would say "what? I didn't realize you were THAT unhappy" when it was too late, I am sure.

It's hard to give you that specific advice, but I wouldn't recommend that unless you are actually already prepared to leave and you know he wouldn't get violent. Go for a consultation with a lawyer to see how best to go about a separation before saying anything.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the advice to start laying the ground work for at least more independence and separation from your husband and his family. I would recommend relationship counseling but also individual counseling for you. I know you're working very hard and baffled by their behavior. Having someone to listen to you, give you perspective, help you identify your choices and establish/maintain boundaries. You have a lot of work ahead of you regardless of whether you decide to stay married or not. That's not a decision you need to make now. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say, that sucks. Do you all live near each other or can you limit your contact with them

i think a marriage counselor is worth a shot. Maybe if you find one that can help your husband understand how this is imps ting you it will help. My inlaws were kind of nasty to me when my son was young. My husband did not see it, until one day they crossed the line into pure spite. Once my husband realized it, it helped a lot. I have also found it helpful to give him examples of "how would ypu feel if my family did this?"

If you are thinking of divorcing, see a divorce lawyer in secret and get advice.

[Anonymous]

Good luck with counseling. It is hard when your spouse has their head in the sand

[Anonymous]

What unpleasant stories. The bathroom one is ridiculous. If your husband can't have your back ever, you are correct that the marriage is doomed.

I would do some groundwork without the husband, but if you do want to save things tell him it is time for therapy to help the two of you set healthier body diaries.

[Anonymous]

I see you still haven't learned to use paragraphs.

[Anonymous]

Stop going to family events entirely. Send your DH and the kids. If DH can't take the kids, the kids don't go. Remove yourself from them as much as possible.

They already talk shit about you and don't like you. So who cares if they think this is drastic? At least you won't need to see them.

Counseling. Go solo if your DH won't go too.

[Anonymous]

I feel like my problems are brought TO ME!! Even if I don't go to any events, my husband asks me to INVITE THEM TO OUR HOUSE for my daughter's birthday party! What?!