Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.

[Anonymous]

I’m having serious cold feet.

My soon to be husband is way too close to his family. His family means literally – everything – to him.

*He spent two days in the hospital with his sister when she was in labor. He posted several pictures of his niece on Facebook yet he has never in three years posted a single picture of us aside from his Facebook profile. I’m not mad at all that he posted these photos on Facebook, I am just upset that he clearly values his family way above and beyond our relationship.
*I feel overwhelmed by the amount of time he spends with his family. I’m not comfortable with it. I feel like his family is and will always come first, I will come second.
*He spent 6-8 months/year working in remote conditions. When he would come home he would scurry off to his parents house to see his family for 4-5 nights a week and come home late and I would be sitting there waiting for him.
*He still sees his family 3 times per week, this is something I am grudgingly coming to terms with. I see my own family 2-3 times/year and talk to them on the phone probably once a week for comparison.
*He is obsessed with his nephew and gets frustrated when I show lack of interest. I don’t have any kids and am personally not really interested in other peoples kids – I am however very interested in having kids of my own.
*He forgot to buy me a birthday present one year, yet would ask me what kind of shoes he should buy his sister.
*On that note, he constantly talks about his siblings. His sister in particular, I mean he brings up anecdotes about her daily.
*If he has ANY free time, I mean any where it’s not spending time with me. He will go over to his parent or brother-in-law and sister’s house and wait until I go home for him to go home. The man can’t spend any time by himself.
*He has always lived at home, except for a 3 year relationship with his ex. He has never had his own apartment or living space.

I am freaking out about the likelihood of dealing with this for the rest of my life. The wedding is in two weeks. We have had SEVERAL conversations about this and he has made some changes but I constantly feel like I am coming in second-best.

[Anonymous]

Call of the wedding! This won't change! Trust me, I've been through it!

[Anonymous]

That should say off!

[Anonymous]

Well...it's not going to change. It's going to be like this after marriage as well. You just have to decide if that's the way you want to live.

I love my husband's family...in doses.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure this isn't so BS related to the earlier post about the girl who spends 3-4 days a week with her family and adores her niece and her husband doesn't seem to care as much?

[Anonymous]

You never should have agreed to marry him. I think you know that.

IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED, because he will expect you to think of them/treat them as family.

Walk away now.

[Anonymous]

Wow how did it come to this?

[Anonymous]

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/633039.page

[Anonymous]

Put the wedding on hold. You are right to be aware of things that you can't/dont want to live with for the rest of your life.

You need to have a serious discussion about your expectations. I'd give it a year to see if things change.

Even though it seems like it's hard to walk away now---the invitations have been sent, flights have been booked, deposits made, etc. That's a drop in the bucket compared to a divorce.

[Anonymous]

It may be tough to call off the wedding so close to the date, but that's still easier and cheaper than to go through a divorce, or to live your whole life always waiting for him. He's not going to change after the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m having serious cold feet.

My soon to be husband is way too close to his family. His family means literally – everything – to him.

*He spent two days in the hospital with his sister when she was in labor. He posted several pictures of his niece on Facebook yet he has never in three years posted a single picture of us aside from his Facebook profile. I’m not mad at all that he posted these photos on Facebook, I am just upset that he clearly values his family way above and beyond our relationship.
*I feel overwhelmed by the amount of time he spends with his family. I’m not comfortable with it. I feel like his family is and will always come first, I will come second.
*He spent 6-8 months/year working in remote conditions. When he would come home he would scurry off to his parents house to see his family for 4-5 nights a week and come home late and I would be sitting there waiting for him.
*He still sees his family 3 times per week, this is something I am grudgingly coming to terms with. I see my own family 2-3 times/year and talk to them on the phone probably once a week for comparison.
*He is obsessed with his nephew and gets frustrated when I show lack of interest. I don’t have any kids and am personally not really interested in other peoples kids – I am however very interested in having kids of my own.
*He forgot to buy me a birthday present one year, yet would ask me what kind of shoes he should buy his sister.
*On that note, he constantly talks about his siblings. His sister in particular, I mean he brings up anecdotes about her daily.
*If he has ANY free time, I mean any where it’s not spending time with me. He will go over to his parent or brother-in-law and sister’s house and wait until I go home for him to go home. The man can’t spend any time by himself.
*He has always lived at home, except for a 3 year relationship with his ex. He has never had his own apartment or living space.

I am freaking out about the likelihood of dealing with this for the rest of my life. The wedding is in two weeks. We have had SEVERAL conversations about this and he has made some changes but I constantly feel like I am coming in second-best.

OP - give your fiance this link:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/633039.page

These two would be perfect for each other. Maybe you all can trade spouses.

[Anonymous]

Call it off indefinitely and get to a therapist who can help you figure out how you got yourself into this.

[Anonymous]

You may find it gets worse if you go ahead and get married and then have kids. Then you'll have a whole other area of resentment: that he's hanging out with his family instead of helping/being with you and the kids. Is he by any chance incestuously involved with his sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put the wedding on hold. You are right to be aware of things that you can't/dont want to live with for the rest of your life.

You need to have a serious discussion about your expectations. I'd give it a year to see if things change.

Even though it seems like it's hard to walk away now---the invitations have been sent, flights have been booked, deposits made, etc. That's a drop in the bucket compared to a divorce.

Wise words, OP!

[Anonymous]

Been there and done that. Trust me when I say divorce is so much harder, humiliating, and expensive than calling off a wedding. Or try and save face and "delay" it and then never set a date, then break up if you have to.