How to get her back? "The one that got away" recently divorced w/ 2 DC, messaged me.

[Anonymous]

OP, take it slowly. Spend time getting to know each other. Although you dated in the past, it was a long time ago and people change. Learn about her divorce, why it happened, what she learned from it, and what she would be looking for in a spouse. If she puts the entire blame on her ex-DH and doesn't show signs of self-awareness and what she may have contributed to the failed marriage, then run. If she does not have a cordial co-parenting relationship with her ex-DH, then run.

Learn what she wants for her future. Does she want to build a career or is she simply looking to get remarried so she can continue to be a SAHM?

Are you on board with having a spouse who cannot contribute financially, especially considering there would be expenses for her children in addition to any the two of you might have together?

[Anonymous]

Did she really SAH all this time?

Op, I'm rooting for you but I agree she's likely on the rebound and looking for the next safety net. Not saying it won't work. I'm saying you should be okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Op is no spring chicken either and of at 35 still hasn't found anyone after presumably an additional 10 years of dating perhaps this is a good bet for him. Also I can't fault a 33 yr old woman for wanting to find someone again quickly. That's the prime age to do so, with or without kids, especially if she might want more kids. As long as the OP is ok with him ultimately supporting her and her kids financially down the road should they end up together, then that's his choice. Many men want wives who stay home. Also you would hope she gets support from her ex.

[Anonymous]

Dude you need some self esteem. Tell her you will consider a relationship only after she is employed with a good job

[Anonymous]

Ah, you are a self-proclaimed knight in shining armor. At least you are aware of that tendency.

I know a guy like you, though, and it has resulted in him allowing relationships to get serious that did not serve him well in the long run, and in him feeling obligated to put his needs aside in order to help women in need (such as the woman in your case).

I suppose those situations work out well for the women on the receiving end, but not so much for the knight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Okay then, I'd say ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch or coffee while the kids are at school. Progress to dinner and help figure out creative ways to find babysitters (you could pay for the babysitter or find a cousin who'll sit for her for free for a favor - whatever floats your boat) - just show her you're interested in her and understand that her kids come first & you're willing to work with that. Move on to attending the kid's games or having a 'family' picnic in the park.

Bottom line - talk to her face-to-face, see what she's looking for in life, explain where you're going, see if you're still a match, and make it clear you're not just looking for her ass but care about her kids as well.

I like this advice, too, with the exception of the kids' games and family picnic...I would save anything to do with the kids until MUCH, MUCH later. Also, not that you need to be nosey about it, but I would want to know what led to her divorce. Is she planning on working now? Does she have a way to earn a living? Are you well-off, and that's why she's reaching out? Did you see any red flags before that you have conveniently forgotten?

What led to her divorce; her husband grew to be a bi-polar, combat veteran, that was cheating for the second time. (not using veteran as a pejorative. I'm a combat veteran as well)

Is she planning on working now; Yes, she's found a good job at Microsoft, I think, through her sister-in-law.

Does she have a way to earn a living? Yes, and moved back to be closer to her family that is offering support.

Are you well-off; I own my own business and it keeps me comfortable. Adding 3 people to my bottom line would be taxing, but I could manage.

- My read on things is partly that I am a comfortable connection to the past, and partly that I have grown and matured while her husband remained bogged down in his issues. From what she's told me, didn't grow emotionally or on his career, and it hurt the family unit. If I was managing an Arby's, I don't think I'd be having this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Good that she has found a job. You could be a friend and see where it goes from there. Have you thought about/missed her over the years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is no spring chicken either and of at 35 still hasn't found anyone after presumably an additional 10 years of dating perhaps this is a good bet for him. Also I can't fault a 33 yr old woman for wanting to find someone again quickly. That's the prime age to do so, with or without kids, especially if she might want more kids. As long as the OP is ok with him ultimately supporting her and her kids financially down the road should they end up together, then that's his choice. Many men want wives who stay home. Also you would hope she gets support from her ex.

Being told I'm not a spring chicken hurt a little, haha. Hadn't thought about that.

She's begun working; the SAHM piece was only when the children were at home ( i.e. not in school yet) then she was a personal trainer for other moms. Not incredibly lucrative, but a perk as her spouse.

Ex-husband is in the military. Alimony is presumably garnished from his paycheck, and later retirement pay, as I understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good that she has found a job. You could be a friend and see where it goes from there. Have you thought about/missed her over the years?

I've thought about her and missed her a lot. We were a great team. I got spooked by the thought of forever - not with her, just in general - and that's what ended the relationship. She's very motivated, always cheery, and easy to laugh with. In 10 years of dating, I've not met many that could compare. She was special, and I'm feeling like I might have a second chance to make it work.

Thankfully, the people here that have been thoughtful with their advice have helped me focus on what I was originally asking; what to watch out for, what is her mental state, how do I present myself in the best possible light without getting stepped on or rejected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you single?

Yes, I am single, never married.

Also, I'm 35 and ready to settle down. She's 33 and from what she tells me, really unsure about how to be out in the world after 10 years as an SAH mom

Do you see yourself wanting kids with her and do you see yourself with a SAH wife? That is a lot of responsibility to go from 35 and single to stepdad of two elementary age children plus possibly infants of your own and financially supporting everyone. How does she see the future? Does she see herself having more children and was she happy staying at home? If you don't align on those big things, I don't see how a future relationship would work out.

Assuming you both want the same things, I think the advice about lunch and coffee dates in the beginning and progress to evening dates and events with the kids was good advice. Go slow enough to get to know each other again and reestablish the strong friendship while giving her enough space that she knows she can stand on her own feet. But not so slow that you are friend zoned or it isn't clear you are dating. As for the big relationship things that seem to plague DCUM, it's the amount of sex once you have kids, division of labor with kids, ability to communicate well with your spouse, and extrovert/introvert pairings. Keep an eye out for how those things might work as you two date and don't feel pressure that you have to be with her if you find you aren't compatible now. Good luck.

plus little kids (0-6 yo) can ruin relationships pretty fast. do you want kids? does she want more kids?

you two have a lot to talk about, so take it slow and keep dating other people until one makes sense to get serious with. eventually you will need to get her story of why she married and divorced, who pays what, visitation, etc.

[Anonymous]

For the pp who said that she is changed -- our circumstances change, but do we really change all that much, at our core? I look back at my 20's self and see a lot of similarities, albeit tempered with more responsibility and life experience.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. It can happen. Agree that a balance is important. Manage the temperature of the relationship; keep it warm don't let it get too hot or too cold too quick. There is such a thing as a beautiful reconnection, and I do believe that God gives us beauty for ashes when we seek to do things with our heart in the right place. And thank you for your service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Okay then, I'd say ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch or coffee while the kids are at school. Progress to dinner and help figure out creative ways to find babysitters (you could pay for the babysitter or find a cousin who'll sit for her for free for a favor - whatever floats your boat) - just show her you're interested in her and understand that her kids come first & you're willing to work with that. Move on to attending the kid's games or having a 'family' picnic in the park.

Bottom line - talk to her face-to-face, see what she's looking for in life, explain where you're going, see if you're still a match, and make it clear you're not just looking for her ass but care about her kids as well.

I like this advice, too, with the exception of the kids' games and family picnic...I would save anything to do with the kids until MUCH, MUCH later. Also, not that you need to be nosey about it, but I would want to know what led to her divorce. Is she planning on working now? Does she have a way to earn a living? Are you well-off, and that's why she's reaching out? Did you see any red flags before that you have conveniently forgotten?

What led to her divorce; her husband grew to be a bi-polar, combat veteran, that was cheating for the second time. (not using veteran as a pejorative. I'm a combat veteran as well)

Is she planning on working now; Yes, she's found a good job at Microsoft, I think, through her sister-in-law.

Does she have a way to earn a living? Yes, and moved back to be closer to her family that is offering support.

Are you well-off; I own my own business and it keeps me comfortable. Adding 3 people to my bottom line would be taxing, but I could manage.

- My read on things is partly that I am a comfortable connection to the past, and partly that I have grown and matured while her husband remained bogged down in his issues. From what she's told me, didn't grow emotionally or on his career, and it hurt the family unit. If I was managing an Arby's, I don't think I'd be having this conversation.

Ahhh you're painting a clearer picture.

That's really too bad about her ex husband. If he became bi-polar as a result of combat, it's very possible he has TBI. He should get treatment for that. I know they're divorced, but if this is something that was never looked into, you should suggest it. My husband has TBI, and we have to manage it. I know this is not in your best interest, but as a friend and for the sake of her children who deserve to have a father, you really should mention this.

As for the two of you.. if you want a long lasting real relationship. I second others' advice. Be her friend and take it slowly, but be upfront that you want a romantic relationship, in time.

[Anonymous]

Just be careful. You say you want advice so that she will @consider" you-- but what you need to worry about is considering her. Is she right for you now? This is 1000 times more complicated with two small kids in the mix. Think of their feelings-- they won't understand who you are, etc. Just take this slowly. You need to release your romantic expectations and projections and be realistic. Take the time to see her for who she is now, and determine if she's right for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the pp who said that she is changed -- our circumstances change, but do we really change all that much, at our core? I look back at my 20's self and see a lot of similarities, albeit tempered with more responsibility and life experience.

I'm that PP and yeah I think marriage and kids and adulthood have changed me enough that if the guy I dated at 23, right before I met my now-husband-of-10 years, reentered into a relationship with me now he would not be getting the same person he remembered.