How to get her back? "The one that got away" recently divorced w/ 2 DC, messaged me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Okay then, I'd say ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch or coffee while the kids are at school. Progress to dinner and help figure out creative ways to find babysitters (you could pay for the babysitter or find a cousin who'll sit for her for free for a favor - whatever floats your boat) - just show her you're interested in her and understand that her kids come first & you're willing to work with that. Move on to attending the kid's games or having a 'family' picnic in the park.

Bottom line - talk to her face-to-face, see what she's looking for in life, explain where you're going, see if you're still a match, and make it clear you're not just looking for her ass but care about her kids as well.

I like this advice, too, with the exception of the kids' games and family picnic...I would save anything to do with the kids until MUCH, MUCH later. Also, not that you need to be nosey about it, but I would want to know what led to her divorce. Is she planning on working now? Does she have a way to earn a living? Are you well-off, and that's why she's reaching out? Did you see any red flags before that you have conveniently forgotten?

What led to her divorce; her husband grew to be a bi-polar, combat veteran, that was cheating for the second time. (not using veteran as a pejorative. I'm a combat veteran as well)

Is she planning on working now; Yes, she's found a good job at Microsoft, I think, through her sister-in-law.

Does she have a way to earn a living? Yes, and moved back to be closer to her family that is offering support.

Are you well-off; I own my own business and it keeps me comfortable. Adding 3 people to my bottom line would be taxing, but I could manage.

- My read on things is partly that I am a comfortable connection to the past, and partly that I have grown and matured while her husband remained bogged down in his issues. From what she's told me, didn't grow emotionally or on his career, and it hurt the family unit. If I was managing an Arby's, I don't think I'd be having this conversation.

I mean this as kindly as possible, but it's very rare a marriage ends because of one person only. Trust and believe she has her shit too, slow down enough so that you can see it and make a clear decision on whether or not you want to live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude WTF? You are PATHETIC. There are thousands upon thousands of 30-something attractive single women in this area who do NOT have baggage or kids. Go find one.

Remember: she dumped you the first time and went and had kids with someone else. THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO BE.

I'm planning to take it slow, no idea what the future will hold. What I'm looking guidance on is how to set the ground work so she'll consider me.

Also, it's been more than 10 years, I rounded down. There was no chance the first child was conceived "on my watch".

Okay then, I'd say ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch or coffee while the kids are at school. Progress to dinner and help figure out creative ways to find babysitters (you could pay for the babysitter or find a cousin who'll sit for her for free for a favor - whatever floats your boat) - just show her you're interested in her and understand that her kids come first & you're willing to work with that. Move on to attending the kid's games or having a 'family' picnic in the park.

Bottom line - talk to her face-to-face, see what she's looking for in life, explain where you're going, see if you're still a match, and make it clear you're not just looking for her ass but care about her kids as well.

Please god do not pay for or arrange her babysitters!

- former single mom

[Anonymous]

Go for it op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^no but if she has a 9 year old she jumped into a new relationship very quickly and is now doing the same thing again. Op hasn't been married or has kids; she has and those things plus her divorce have changed her in very real ways that he cannot anticipate. It's just good damn sense for any woman to take a breather exiting a relationship and take some time to rebuild her life and figure out what she needs and wants going forward. Time traveling to the past to the last guy you dated is at best misguided and at worst disastrous. She isn't the same person he dated then nor can she be. She needs to figure out who she is now and stand on her own two feet before entering into a relationship again.

One of the big red flags for me is ex admitting she was scared to be alone and working after 10 years that coupled with everything else. Seems to me ex wants to prove she's still desirable. I don't know.

This could work out and turn into a sweet love story. It is also highly likely that the ex decides to go back to her husband and works things out I've seen this scenario happen time and time again.

Best thing OP can do is slow waaaaaaaaaay down and offer friendship.

[Anonymous]

be a friend, not a hero. keep your eyes open, keep dating other women, you'll soon figure out whether there's really something there worth pursuing despite the hassles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Okay then, I'd say ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch or coffee while the kids are at school. Progress to dinner and help figure out creative ways to find babysitters (you could pay for the babysitter or find a cousin who'll sit for her for free for a favor - whatever floats your boat) - just show her you're interested in her and understand that her kids come first & you're willing to work with that. Move on to attending the kid's games or having a 'family' picnic in the park.

Bottom line - talk to her face-to-face, see what she's looking for in life, explain where you're going, see if you're still a match, and make it clear you're not just looking for her ass but care about her kids as well.

I like this advice, too, with the exception of the kids' games and family picnic...I would save anything to do with the kids until MUCH, MUCH later. Also, not that you need to be nosey about it, but I would want to know what led to her divorce. Is she planning on working now? Does she have a way to earn a living? Are you well-off, and that's why she's reaching out? Did you see any red flags before that you have conveniently forgotten?

What led to her divorce; her husband grew to be a bi-polar, combat veteran, that was cheating for the second time. (not using veteran as a pejorative. I'm a combat veteran as well)

Is she planning on working now; Yes, she's found a good job at Microsoft, I think, through her sister-in-law.

Does she have a way to earn a living? Yes, and moved back to be closer to her family that is offering support.

Are you well-off; I own my own business and it keeps me comfortable. Adding 3 people to my bottom line would be taxing, but I could manage.

- My read on things is partly that I am a comfortable connection to the past, and partly that I have grown and matured while her husband remained bogged down in his issues. From what she's told me, didn't grow emotionally or on his career, and it hurt the family unit. If I was managing an Arby's, I don't think I'd be having this conversation.

I mean this as kindly as possible, but it's very rare a marriage ends because of one person only. Trust and believe she has her shit too, slow down enough so that you can see it and make a clear decision on whether or not you want to live with it.

Yes kids. Suck up that abuse because you have flaws too. Don't let your marriage end because your flaw of not having a thicker skin or a tougher jaw.

WTF are you talking about? Do you have a comprhension problem? Because nowhere did I say people should stay in abusive marriages.

The ex only gave OP her side of the story and while that is bad I can promise you she did her dirt in the marriage to only she's not going to own up to it. It's highly likely the ex will go back to her husband despite all the horrible stuf she says he did, so OP shouldn't be surprised if that happens and if he wants to get serious with her he needs to see her how she really is warts and all and accept that beore he marries her and not view her as a damsel in distress. OP has already admitted he enjoys playing knight and shining armor.

[Anonymous]

The GF might not go back to her ex. That wouldn't be my concern as OP. My concern as OP would be that I am a convenient place filler because she does not want to do the hard work of reflecting what went wrong in her marriage and building a new life for her kids. The LAST thing she should be expending valuable effort and energy on right now is an ex boyfriend. It's not mature nor wise and OP needs to be very leery of exactly WHY she is using this time of growth and uncertainty in life to get back in contact with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I find that a lot of my friends marrying now (in their 40s and 50s) are actually marrying people they knew years ago in grade school, high school, college, or just past loves. One of my friends just got married to a high school pal this weekend in New Orleans. They are beaming with happiness.

There's a lot to be said for having a history. Especially if you broke up largely because the timing felt wrong. I'd proceed slowly, but the truth of the matter is you already know you are basically compatible with this person. She has baggage, but you are unlikely to find a partner without baggage as you hit your 40s.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The GF might not go back to her ex. That wouldn't be my concern as OP. My concern as OP would be that I am a convenient place filler because she does not want to do the hard work of reflecting what went wrong in her marriage and building a new life for her kids. The LAST thing she should be expending valuable effort and energy on right now is an ex boyfriend. It's not mature nor wise and OP needs to be very leery of exactly WHY she is using this time of growth and uncertainty in life to get back in contact with him.

That is correct. I only mentioned the going back to ex because I've seen it. I'm a female and I have several female friends who have gone back to the ex to work things out because of kids and because of the convenience of familiarity.

I also have male friends, good guys like OP who have been in this spot with an ex girlfriend that's newly divorced, the woman tells them how horrible the ex was and how different he is from the ex and end up going right back to the ex. Bottom line OP shouldn't put too much stock into what she says about her next because she could flip the script in a few months.

You are right that above all OP needs to take it slowly there are big red flags you and others have mentioned them. This could work out but he need to have his eyes and ears wide open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude WTF? You are PATHETIC. There are thousands upon thousands of 30-something attractive single women in this area who do NOT have baggage or kids. Go find one.

Remember: she dumped you the first time and went and had kids with someone else. THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO BE.

Haha, your ferocity is admirable if not telling.

Personally, I'm not the type to rush in and think with my little head. Her kids are amazing and well behaved.

I'm planning to take it slow, no idea what the future will hold. What I'm looking guidance on is how to set the ground work so she'll consider me.

Also, it's been more than 10 years, I rounded down. There was no chance the first child was conceived "on my watch".

1. It is WORSE that the first kid is not yours, not better. You want to raise some other man's spawn? That makes you a de facto willing cuckold.

2. "So she will consider me" is NOT the way to think about it at all. "What can she do so that I will consider her" is the proper attitude. Single mom with kids and baggage = UNDESIRABLE, AVOID. What is she going to do for you to make herself more desirable than any one of the many thousands of no kids, no baggage single women in this area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it take 10 months to have a kid. She has a 9 year old she broke up with you, got knocked up, got married and has never worked a day in her life. Run now!!!!

+ 2,000 that I'm not going to spend on the stupid Goddess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude WTF? You are PATHETIC. There are thousands upon thousands of 30-something attractive single women in this area who do NOT have baggage or kids. Go find one.

Remember: she dumped you the first time and went and had kids with someone else. THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO BE.

Haha, your ferocity is admirable if not telling.

Personally, I'm not the type to rush in and think with my little head. Her kids are amazing and well behaved.

I'm planning to take it slow, no idea what the future will hold. What I'm looking guidance on is how to set the ground work so she'll consider me.

Also, it's been more than 10 years, I rounded down. There was no chance the first child was conceived "on my watch".

You shouldn't even know her kids at this point, that you have already spent time with them enough to know they are amazing and well behaved is the opposite of going slowly.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, don't commit until she gets a full time real job. She needs to be on her own. She seems
Like a giant pile of need who can't be alone or on her own.

[Anonymous]

Why does being a past SAHM and being divorced from an abusive cheater make you a 'bag of needy' full of baggage, to be steered clear if?

Actually she sounds like a happy capable person. Already found a job & moved... And if OP who has had 10 years of comparison finds her 'more amazing', well great! Why are the dcum harpies getting peeved???

[Anonymous]

Op ~ your tone of drama is immature and offputting. If you want to see her, see her. If you're adult enough for a relationship, do it.