How to get her back? "The one that got away" recently divorced w/ 2 DC, messaged me.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem like such a great guy.
And don't know if this means much to you but if you were my son, id want you so much not to get involved with this woman.

At least a date. Ok. But damn. Really? Is she really all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has she been divorced?

Separated last December, divorce finalized last month.

Does not sound like someone who wants to stand on her own two feet. She wants a provider/husband and sent a message to an ex through facebook!

If she is a program manager at Microsoft with zero experience and after being a SAHM and part time fitness instructor for the past ten yrs, I'll introduce you to a really gullible smuck who'll support you and your kids for the rest of your life

What's wrong with wanting a provider/husband?

What's wrong with contacting an old love after your marriage ends, if he's single (and turns out he's interested too)?

Why not turn your vitriol on all the dcum posters who are texting and contacting exes and coworkers while still married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has she been divorced?

Separated last December, divorce finalized last month.

Does not sound like someone who wants to stand on her own two feet. She wants a provider/husband and sent a message to an ex through facebook!

If she is a program manager at Microsoft with zero experience and after being a SAHM and part time fitness instructor for the past ten yrs, I'll introduce you to a really gullible smuck who'll support you and your kids for the rest of your life

What's wrong with wanting a provider/husband?

What's wrong with contacting an old love after your marriage ends, if he's single (and turns out he's interested too)?

Why not turn your vitriol on all the dcum posters who are texting and contacting exes and coworkers while still married?

Nothing once you can stand on your own 2 feet which the ex has shown time and again she can't It's also not just her but her kids ands not healthy to drag them off to new guy to new guy because mommy is scared.

You want to stay home ? Great. You want to rekindle an old flame? Great.

But no one else can complete you. You have to complete yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem like such a great guy.
And don't know if this means much to you but if you were my son, id want you so much not to get involved with this woman.

At least a date. Ok. But damn. Really? Is she really all that.

Not really he seems very impulsive for a 35 year old and a need to be "the savior" which is usually an indicator of issues that he needs to work on.

[Anonymous]

Op, I really haven't bashed her on this thread but she is 100% fibbing if she claims she was a SAHM for 10 years with a part time job as fitness instructor and is now program manager at Microsoft. There is zero percent chance that is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you're gonna want to tread carefully here. This is a woman who, if your timeline is right, went from serious relationship with you to marriage and kids with this guy, and as soon as that was over, bounced back to you. That means she's never taken ANY time to be alone on her own two feet and do any kind of personal growth or practice self sufficiency. I hate to tell you this but she is viewing you as a hologram- she's not specifically pining for YOU- she just sees you as a representative of who she was back in that easier, simpler time in her life. Chances you are highly compatible now with 10 years, kids, and a divorce in the mix- slim.

You're a safety net basically. She's looking at doing life alone and can't or won't. She's scared. She's casting about for someone/thing that will be there so she doesn't have to be single mom and do the whole hustle of working and supporting the kids and coming home alone at night when they're with dad. The impulse is understandable but you need to be the good guy here and let her know that she needs time to settle into her new life without you gumming up the works. She needs to know she can do it and take the time to do it so she can figure out what she really wants in her post-divorce life. Don't enable her avoidance of that by jumping into this.

This requires decency of you because it's very likely she will move on (either because she will realize she CAN do it on her own or she will find another guy who is happy to take on her shit for her) but it's the right thing to do. And ONLY when she takes that time for herself, focuses on her and the kids and rebuilding, will she and you know that if then she still wants to give things another go with you that it was legit and not just a "I'm divorced and scared and know that guy is a port in the storm" thing.

This is great advice! Thanks for typing out what the woman likely feels and what she needs to/should do to come out better. Are you a man or woman and a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you're gonna want to tread carefully here. This is a woman who, if your timeline is right, went from serious relationship with you to marriage and kids with this guy, and as soon as that was over, bounced back to you. That means she's never taken ANY time to be alone on her own two feet and do any kind of personal growth or practice self sufficiency. I hate to tell you this but she is viewing you as a hologram- she's not specifically pining for YOU- she just sees you as a representative of who she was back in that easier, simpler time in her life. Chances you are highly compatible now with 10 years, kids, and a divorce in the mix- slim.

You're a safety net basically. She's looking at doing life alone and can't or won't. She's scared. She's casting about for someone/thing that will be there so she doesn't have to be single mom and do the whole hustle of working and supporting the kids and coming home alone at night when they're with dad. The impulse is understandable but you need to be the good guy here and let her know that she needs time to settle into her new life without you gumming up the works. She needs to know she can do it and take the time to do it so she can figure out what she really wants in her post-divorce life. Don't enable her avoidance of that by jumping into this.

This requires decency of you because it's very likely she will move on (either because she will realize she CAN do it on her own or she will find another guy who is happy to take on her shit for her) but it's the right thing to do. And ONLY when she takes that time for herself, focuses on her and the kids and rebuilding, will she and you know that if then she still wants to give things another go with you that it was legit and not just a "I'm divorced and scared and know that guy is a port in the storm" thing.

This is great advice! Thanks for typing out what the woman likely feels and what she needs to/should do to come out better. Are you a man or woman and a therapist?

I would question whether it's "great advice." It purports to read the mind of this woman without having met her. How does this PP know what this woman is feeling or thinking? it's a guess at best. How does this PP know you are being viewed as a "hologram"? As far as we know, it's equally as plausible that this woman also viewed you as "the one who got away" and thought of you during her entire marriage. We don't know. As far as why she married someone else after he told her he didn't want to marry her, why would she wait around for someone who didn't want to marry her? I doubt that she thought she would still be thinking of him 10 years later, but some things last longer than you think they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude WTF? You are PATHETIC. There are thousands upon thousands of 30-something attractive single women in this area who do NOT have baggage or kids. Go find one.

Remember: she dumped you the first time and went and had kids with someone else. THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO BE.

Haha, your ferocity is admirable if not telling.

Personally, I'm not the type to rush in and think with my little head. Her kids are amazing and well behaved.

I'm planning to take it slow, no idea what the future will hold. What I'm looking guidance on is how to set the ground work so she'll consider me.

Also, it's been more than 10 years, I rounded down. There was no chance the first child was conceived "on my watch".

1. It is WORSE that the first kid is not yours, not better. You want to raise some other man's spawn? That makes you a de facto willing cuckold.

2. "So she will consider me" is NOT the way to think about it at all. "What can she do so that I will consider her" is the proper attitude. Single mom with kids and baggage = UNDESIRABLE, AVOID. What is she going to do for you to make herself more desirable than any one of the many thousands of no kids, no baggage single women in this area?

OP, while this advice may not be termed as nicely as it could have, it's spot on. Let me try to help clean it up for you.

In any relationship, you should be looking for how that person adds to you. They should be looking for the same. Thus, asking for advice on how to set groundwork so she will consider you is misguided. You should be setting the groundwork for her to prove that she will be an asset to you long term. (And she should be doing the same as to you.)

On raising another man's children, you have to look very long and hard at this. You could find yourself in a situation where you pay all of their expenses and as the father, he still gets to be in their life. Setting aside the obvious financial inequity, you should consider what kinds of resentments that this could build over time. It has the potential of dooming your relationship with the mother.

In short, I think you may be looking at this past relationship with through rose-colored lenses. As the PP states, what makes this person (objectively) a better mate than the other single women in your age range that don't have all of the complications that this one does?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you're gonna want to tread carefully here. This is a woman who, if your timeline is right, went from serious relationship with you to marriage and kids with this guy, and as soon as that was over, bounced back to you. That means she's never taken ANY time to be alone on her own two feet and do any kind of personal growth or practice self sufficiency. I hate to tell you this but she is viewing you as a hologram- she's not specifically pining for YOU- she just sees you as a representative of who she was back in that easier, simpler time in her life. Chances you are highly compatible now with 10 years, kids, and a divorce in the mix- slim.

You're a safety net basically. She's looking at doing life alone and can't or won't. She's scared. She's casting about for someone/thing that will be there so she doesn't have to be single mom and do the whole hustle of working and supporting the kids and coming home alone at night when they're with dad. The impulse is understandable but you need to be the good guy here and let her know that she needs time to settle into her new life without you gumming up the works. She needs to know she can do it and take the time to do it so she can figure out what she really wants in her post-divorce life. Don't enable her avoidance of that by jumping into this.

This requires decency of you because it's very likely she will move on (either because she will realize she CAN do it on her own or she will find another guy who is happy to take on her shit for her) but it's the right thing to do. And ONLY when she takes that time for herself, focuses on her and the kids and rebuilding, will she and you know that if then she still wants to give things another go with you that it was legit and not just a "I'm divorced and scared and know that guy is a port in the storm" thing.

This is great advice! Thanks for typing out what the woman likely feels and what she needs to/should do to come out better. Are you a man or woman and a therapist?

I would question whether it's "great advice." It purports to read the mind of this woman without having met her. How does this PP know what this woman is feeling or thinking? it's a guess at best. How does this PP know you are being viewed as a "hologram"? As far as we know, it's equally as plausible that this woman also viewed you as "the one who got away" and thought of you during her entire marriage. We don't know. As far as why she married someone else after he told her he didn't want to marry her, why would she wait around for someone who didn't want to marry her? I doubt that she thought she would still be thinking of him 10 years later, but some things last longer than you think they will.

It's a well informed guess. This situation is hardly unusual or unique and this is exactly what many divorcing people do. It's textbook. I'm a woman and it's clear as day what's going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you single?

Yes, I am single, never married.

Also, I'm 35 and ready to settle down. She's 33 and from what she tells me, really unsure about how to be out in the world after 10 years as an SAH mom

As much as I love this story...she either got pregnant before you broke up or right after you left. Her first kid is 9 and she's 33 which puts her at 24 when s/he was born and that's a conservative estimate. I'm not saying people need to necessarily wait when moving on with their lives, but if I was in love with someone enough that they were ready to propose, I wouldn't be marrying and having a baby with someone else less than 6 months later.

You might be seeing stars but be very clear about her vision and her love for you before you go down that road. Good luck!

I thought the same. OP, have you met her kids? You need to proceed very slowly. Kids are tough. And can you support a SAH wife and two kids plus your own?

You want to be careful here. If you don't make a boat load of money to support her and her kids this could be a problem. She has been out of the work force for 10yrs. Unless she is a physician or something that can get back in the game quickly she is going to continue to be minimally employed and not able to contribute much to bottom line of family. Proceed with caution, don't jump into face down day one. Other thing, find out why she got divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you all are seriously underestimating the talent, education, etc of the ex. You don't easily get mommy tracked and re-enter the workforce at Microsoft.

OP didn't say what her role was. Microsoft has administrative assistants too.

They do, I am employee there, but most are contractors where the contract will expire. This is really interesting. I think I might know who this is. Can you say what MS office she is out of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you all are seriously underestimating the talent, education, etc of the ex. You don't easily get mommy tracked and re-enter the workforce at Microsoft.

OP didn't say what her role was. Microsoft has administrative assistants too.

Haha, that's true. She's a program manager I believe.

A program manager at Microsoft with 0 experience beyond the age of 24?? I call bullshit. I don't care if her sister is the head of HR for the entire Microsoft North America region. Either the OP is lying or he needs to ask for this woman's hire letter in-person.

Either way good luck with the crazy.

This is so true. MS doesn't hire inexperienced people who have been out of the work force for so long. Had you said she was a developer I might believe it cause she could have stayed on top of her programming skills. If her sister got her the job that is a real jump to, nepotism there is really frowned on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you all are seriously underestimating the talent, education, etc of the ex. You don't easily get mommy tracked and re-enter the workforce at Microsoft.

OP didn't say what her role was. Microsoft has administrative assistants too.

Haha, that's true. She's a program manager I believe.

A program manager at Microsoft with 0 experience beyond the age of 24?? I call bullshit. I don't care if her sister is the head of HR for the entire Microsoft North America region. Either the OP is lying or he needs to ask for this woman's hire letter in-person.

Either way good luck with the crazy.

This is so true. MS doesn't hire inexperienced people who have been out of the work force for so long. Had you said she was a developer I might believe it cause she could have stayed on top of her programming skills. If her sister got her the job that is a real jump to, nepotism there is really frowned on

She is probably only employed by MS in the loosest sense of the word. She's not a program manager of she was a SAHM for the better part of 10 years.

Her ex probably also ain't bipolar or PTSD or whatever she's claiming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you all are seriously underestimating the talent, education, etc of the ex. You don't easily get mommy tracked and re-enter the workforce at Microsoft.

OP didn't say what her role was. Microsoft has administrative assistants too.

Haha, that's true. She's a program manager I believe.

A program manager at Microsoft with 0 experience beyond the age of 24?? I call bullshit. I don't care if her sister is the head of HR for the entire Microsoft North America region. Either the OP is lying or he needs to ask for this woman's hire letter in-person.

Either way good luck with the crazy.

This is so true. MS doesn't hire inexperienced people who have been out of the work force for so long. Had you said she was a developer I might believe it cause she could have stayed on top of her programming skills. If her sister got her the job that is a real jump to, nepotism there is really frowned on

She is probably only employed by MS in the loosest sense of the word. She's not a program manager of she was a SAHM for the better part of 10 years.

Her ex probably also ain't bipolar or PTSD or whatever she's claiming.

I think at best she is a contractor for MS. It ain't easy to get into the big software companies unless you come with some serious skills and experience or you are some brilliant coop from MIT. If her sister isn't really high ranking she can only do so much and that high up things are pretty cut throat and they would want to have the stink of nepotism on them should it come time for some lay offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the pp who said that she is changed -- our circumstances change, but do we really change all that much, at our core? I look back at my 20's self and see a lot of similarities, albeit tempered with more responsibility and life experience.

I changed as I matured. I was very very selfish and as life has happened I have learned to give as much as I get and how to hold up my end in relationships be they romantic or familial or friendly. Now, I doubt I'm changing much from this point on, so the flaws I have now are the flaws I have but, I think people can and do change from their early 20s version of themselves.