How to get her back? "The one that got away" recently divorced w/ 2 DC, messaged me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude WTF? You are PATHETIC. There are thousands upon thousands of 30-something attractive single women in this area who do NOT have baggage or kids. Go find one.

Remember: she dumped you the first time and went and had kids with someone else. THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO BE.

I'm planning to take it slow, no idea what the future will hold. What I'm looking guidance on is how to set the ground work so she'll consider me.

Also, it's been more than 10 years, I rounded down. There was no chance the first child was conceived "on my watch".

Okay then, I'd say ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch or coffee while the kids are at school. Progress to dinner and help figure out creative ways to find babysitters (you could pay for the babysitter or find a cousin who'll sit for her for free for a favor - whatever floats your boat) - just show her you're interested in her and understand that her kids come first & you're willing to work with that. Move on to attending the kid's games or having a 'family' picnic in the park.

Bottom line - talk to her face-to-face, see what she's looking for in life, explain where you're going, see if you're still a match, and make it clear you're not just looking for her ass but care about her kids as well.

If you can get a booty call out of this why not, for old time's sake

LOL I'm not against booty calls, I just tend to not choose single parents with multiple kids - more hassle than its worth.

Besides, he asked how to 'get her back', not get in her pants. Presumably one wouldn't need advice on the latter.

[Anonymous]

OP, dealing with a divorcee with two little kids will come with all kinds of issues you're not used to. You will need patience and flexibility. Give it time, get to know who she is now, and see if there's still a spark. Very sweet and romantic--I wish you luck!!

[Anonymous]

Op you're gonna want to tread carefully here. This is a woman who, if your timeline is right, went from serious relationship with you to marriage and kids with this guy, and as soon as that was over, bounced back to you. That means she's never taken ANY time to be alone on her own two feet and do any kind of personal growth or practice self sufficiency. I hate to tell you this but she is viewing you as a hologram- she's not specifically pining for YOU- she just sees you as a representative of who she was back in that easier, simpler time in her life. Chances you are highly compatible now with 10 years, kids, and a divorce in the mix- slim.

You're a safety net basically. She's looking at doing life alone and can't or won't. She's scared. She's casting about for someone/thing that will be there so she doesn't have to be single mom and do the whole hustle of working and supporting the kids and coming home alone at night when they're with dad. The impulse is understandable but you need to be the good guy here and let her know that she needs time to settle into her new life without you gumming up the works. She needs to know she can do it and take the time to do it so she can figure out what she really wants in her post-divorce life. Don't enable her avoidance of that by jumping into this.

This requires decency of you because it's very likely she will move on (either because she will realize she CAN do it on her own or she will find another guy who is happy to take on her shit for her) but it's the right thing to do. And ONLY when she takes that time for herself, focuses on her and the kids and rebuilding, will she and you know that if then she still wants to give things another go with you that it was legit and not just a "I'm divorced and scared and know that guy is a port in the storm" thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, it take 10 months to have a kid. She has a 9 year old she broke up with you, got knocked up, got married and has never worked a day in her life. Run now!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you're gonna want to tread carefully here. This is a woman who, if your timeline is right, went from serious relationship with you to marriage and kids with this guy, and as soon as that was over, bounced back to you. That means she's never taken ANY time to be alone on her own two feet and do any kind of personal growth or practice self sufficiency. I hate to tell you this but she is viewing you as a hologram- she's not specifically pining for YOU- she just sees you as a representative of who she was back in that easier, simpler time in her life. Chances you are highly compatible now with 10 years, kids, and a divorce in the mix- slim.

You're a safety net basically. She's looking at doing life alone and can't or won't. She's scared. She's casting about for someone/thing that will be there so she doesn't have to be single mom and do the whole hustle of working and supporting the kids and coming home alone at night when they're with dad. The impulse is understandable but you need to be the good guy here and let her know that she needs time to settle into her new life without you gumming up the works. She needs to know she can do it and take the time to do it so she can figure out what she really wants in her post-divorce life. Don't enable her avoidance of that by jumping into this.

This requires decency of you because it's very likely she will move on (either because she will realize she CAN do it on her own or she will find another guy who is happy to take on her shit for her) but it's the right thing to do. And ONLY when she takes that time for herself, focuses on her and the kids and rebuilding, will she and you know that if then she still wants to give things another go with you that it was legit and not just a "I'm divorced and scared and know that guy is a port in the storm" thing.

This is great advice. OP, please take what this person is saying into consideration. I say that as someone who used to not be able to be without a man in my life.

Just be careful and don't let yourself get pulled into the love haze. Keep your head clear.

[Anonymous]

She contacted you first. I think all you have to do is do NOT play it cool and you've got her already. She's got kids, it's not like men are going to be clamoromg to daye her.

[Anonymous]

Why exactly did you break up? Because you weren't going to commit?

[Anonymous]

Has she dated anyone else after separating?

[Anonymous]

Good luck, op. You sound like a nice guy.
I imagine she feels nostalgic and comfortable with you, probably very comforting feelings after divorce and being a sahm for a long time and facing life on her own.
Just be nice, but encourage her to find what makes her happy on her own too.
Could be a sweet happy ending for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Okay then, I'd say ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch or coffee while the kids are at school. Progress to dinner and help figure out creative ways to find babysitters (you could pay for the babysitter or find a cousin who'll sit for her for free for a favor - whatever floats your boat) - just show her you're interested in her and understand that her kids come first & you're willing to work with that. Move on to attending the kid's games or having a 'family' picnic in the park.

Bottom line - talk to her face-to-face, see what she's looking for in life, explain where you're going, see if you're still a match, and make it clear you're not just looking for her ass but care about her kids as well.

I like this advice, too, with the exception of the kids' games and family picnic...I would save anything to do with the kids until MUCH, MUCH later. Also, not that you need to be nosey about it, but I would want to know what led to her divorce. Is she planning on working now? Does she have a way to earn a living? Are you well-off, and that's why she's reaching out? Did you see any red flags before that you have conveniently forgotten?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you single?

Yes, I am single, never married.

Also, I'm 35 and ready to settle down. She's 33 and from what she tells me, really unsure about how to be out in the world after 10 years as an SAH mom

Do you see yourself wanting kids with her and do you see yourself with a SAH wife? That is a lot of responsibility to go from 35 and single to stepdad of two elementary age children plus possibly infants of your own and financially supporting everyone. How does she see the future? Does she see herself having more children and was she happy staying at home? If you don't align on those big things, I don't see how a future relationship would work out.

Assuming you both want the same things, I think the advice about lunch and coffee dates in the beginning and progress to evening dates and events with the kids was good advice. Go slow enough to get to know each other again and reestablish the strong friendship while giving her enough space that she knows she can stand on her own feet. But not so slow that you are friend zoned or it isn't clear you are dating. As for the big relationship things that seem to plague DCUM, it's the amount of sex once you have kids, division of labor with kids, ability to communicate well with your spouse, and extrovert/introvert pairings. Keep an eye out for how those things might work as you two date and don't feel pressure that you have to be with her if you find you aren't compatible now. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you're gonna want to tread carefully here. This is a woman who, if your timeline is right, went from serious relationship with you to marriage and kids with this guy, and as soon as that was over, bounced back to you. That means she's never taken ANY time to be alone on her own two feet and do any kind of personal growth or practice self sufficiency. I hate to tell you this but she is viewing you as a hologram- she's not specifically pining for YOU- she just sees you as a representative of who she was back in that easier, simpler time in her life. Chances you are highly compatible now with 10 years, kids, and a divorce in the mix- slim.

You're a safety net basically. She's looking at doing life alone and can't or won't. She's scared. She's casting about for someone/thing that will be there so she doesn't have to be single mom and do the whole hustle of working and supporting the kids and coming home alone at night when they're with dad. The impulse is understandable but you need to be the good guy here and let her know that she needs time to settle into her new life without you gumming up the works. She needs to know she can do it and take the time to do it so she can figure out what she really wants in her post-divorce life. Don't enable her avoidance of that by jumping into this.

This requires decency of you because it's very likely she will move on (either because she will realize she CAN do it on her own or she will find another guy who is happy to take on her shit for her) but it's the right thing to do. And ONLY when she takes that time for herself, focuses on her and the kids and rebuilding, will she and you know that if then she still wants to give things another go with you that it was legit and not just a "I'm divorced and scared and know that guy is a port in the storm" thing.

This is great advice. OP, please take what this person is saying into consideration. I say that as someone who used to not be able to be without a man in my life.

Just be careful and don't let yourself get pulled into the love haze. Keep your head clear.

Sounds like there's some projecting going on here. How do you know she didn't view him as "the one who got away." He told her he wasn't ready/willing to get married; she thought it was never going to happen and moved on. What was she supposed to do? Spend a couple of her fertile years pining for him?

[Anonymous]

^no but if she has a 9 year old she jumped into a new relationship very quickly and is now doing the same thing again. Op hasn't been married or has kids; she has and those things plus her divorce have changed her in very real ways that he cannot anticipate. It's just good damn sense for any woman to take a breather exiting a relationship and take some time to rebuild her life and figure out what she needs and wants going forward. Time traveling to the past to the last guy you dated is at best misguided and at worst disastrous. She isn't the same person he dated then nor can she be. She needs to figure out who she is now and stand on her own two feet before entering into a relationship again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you single?

Yes, I am single, never married.

Also, I'm 35 and ready to settle down. She's 33 and from what she tells me, really unsure about how to be out in the world after 10 years as an SAH mom

A 33 yr old divorcee with a 9 and 4 yr old who has never had a job other than entry level. She'll find another guy, get knocked up again once or twice and become a SAHM for another 10 yrs. Go for it! Sounds like a real prize.

[Anonymous]

Off topic, but wondering how a single 35 year-old man with no kids seeks out/finds the DC Urban Mom forum?