Reply to Infertility and my crumbling marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]When a woman is emotionally devastated, she expects to share her feelings and "spread her pain around".

When a man is emotionally devastated, he is expected to shut up, keep a lid on his feelings, and not spread his pain around.

Got it.
[/quote]

I don't expect him to keep a lid on his feelings, but I do expect him to be an adult; to identify his feelings correctly and direct them appropriately and fairly. [/quote]

Is he great in every other way?  If you were with another man who was great (and had more money and was pro-adoption) would you want to adopt?  Might your sister not like your husband or think he'd be a bad dad?  (My sister dislikes my husband b/c she sees all the flaws that my love for him masked.  She would never give us eggs, though she loves me very much).

Therapy for him for grief.  I'm not religious, but I feel like some churches/nonprofits might offer grief counseling for free/less.

Big hugs to you both. [/quote]

He is wonderful in some ways - honest, loyal, hard-working, pulls his weight around the house - but not in others - bad temper, selfish lover, self-righteous sometimes, a bit stuck-up. Of course, he thinks he's the nicest guy on earth. We also have disagreements about money. He's not really earning much right now, yet still wants to take nice vacations. We do use miles and hotel points whenever possible, but I would rather save. It's a sticking point for us. I think I'm feeling resentful that I'm not really able to save any of my (very modest) salary while he's going through a financial dry spell. I worry that having a child - even if we didn't have to spend $40K to do it - will squeeze us completely dry. I don't see how we can afford to raise a kid.[/quote]

Hi OP. Not exactly the same situation, but I know the stress that infertility can bring to a marriage.

We are a same sex couple and have one child (DW got pregnant via mini IVF after many rounds of AI and IUI). We are currently trying to have a second child after DW has suffered 3 losses in the past 18 months.

So I guess what seems like a red flag for me in this quoted post is the part about him not making a lot but still wanting to go on nice vacations, etc. We are by no stretch of the imagination a wealthy couple. I am a teacher and DW is a graphic designer. We make just a little over $130,000/year between the two of us. We have basically given up all unnecessary expenses - like nice vacations and shopping and whatever else - in order to focus solely on paying for IVF, immune treatments, supplements, and healthy, organic food. This is a decision that we made together though. And while we're pretty stretched, we are comfortable making these sacrifices as long as we don't go into debt or start missing bill payments. It sounds like, first of all, you need to reconnect with one another. You seem to have identified that already. Then, you need to get on the same page in terms of how much you are willing to do and spend to have a baby. That' the only way you'll find happiness together. You should agree on how far you're willing to go and where you'll be ok stopping if you're not successful. I'm really sorry for what you're going through - good luck.[/quote]

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