Reply to My neighbors think I'm an abused wife

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "My neighbors think I'm an abused wife"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. To answer a few questions:

I am 40.

I am aware of my fertility issues. We've done IVF after losing several pregnancies (one late-term). It's not happening without an egg donor - which I have lined up, I'm just reluctant to go through with it now.

I do not feel that I can raise a child on my own. I earn enough to support myself, but I don't think I could swing it with a dependent.

To the "mellowed guy" - I actually thought his was a wise and thoughtful response. He seems to understand my husband's perspective without condoning his behavior. My husband is middle-aged, so not just starting out, but he is trying to build a business and he's not bringing in a lot of money. That is a huge source of stress. We have had to spent a lot of money on fertility treatments, and I worry about being able to afford a child if we do have one. And when I worry about that, he feels emasculated. If I say, "I'm worried," he hears "You're a failure as a provider." He also deals with some OCD issues, which compound the frustration and outburst problem.

Over the weekend, during the fallout from this incident, he said he always feels like I'm judging him. And he's right - I have not been good about learning to let little things go, and when I nag it chips away at his self-esteem (as my therapist has explained to me). He also said that he doesn't feel like I've got his back. He said that in an argument between him and a member of my family, he would expect me to take their side because he thinks I don't fully consider him a part of my family. I felt very guilty when he said this; maybe there's some truth to it. I do want him to feel like I'm on his team, but when he's (for example) berating a customer service rep on the phone who's not helping him quickly/smartly/efficiently enough, I won't side with him, because he's being unnecessarily unkind to an innocent party.

When my husband has a problem with me, he talks to me about it - he doesn't lash out and say mean things to me. But when he is frustrated with life, he effects a nasty demeanor. e.g., if his computer isn't working, he'll quicly start cursing and get red in the face, and I've learned not to try to help because he'll just bite my head off. It's like trying to rescue a wild dog: He might love you when it's said and done, but you may lose a finger.

He's a large man with a booming voice, so it's frightening when he shouts in anger.[/quote]

OP thanks for the update. Yeah, I am going to have to say the issue is bigger than you. Adults shouldn't rage. Period. If you can't control your emotions enough to not go into a cursing fit when the computer isn't working, you are not going to handle toddler-hood too well.

OP, I think the issue you have is that you don't have time on your side. Honestly, it would  be easier and less stressful to parent alone than to either be locked into co-parenting with your husband (where your child would be stuck alone with your husband) or staying married for the sake of protecting your child from his outburst.

This may not be "abuse" in the typical sense, but[b] it is reflective of someone who when faced with life's ordinary struggles loses his shit[/b]. That's not good, OP. And would be the main reason why I would start setting the stage to make a quiet and safe exit.[/quote]

OP here - you are right about this.

I also meant to say - and I'm not making excuses, just to flesh out the explanation further - that this used to happen much more frequently. He has been meditating daily and it happens very seldom now. Again - not trying to talk my way out of the reality of this situation. I just want to be clear that he IS trying, and it IS making a difference.

When I used the word abuse over the weekend, my husband was so deeply hurt. He cannot bear to look at himself that way. He has a big heart. He doesn't see the difference between a good person and a nice person.

Also, I am not a total innocent in our relationship. I mean, I'm a good person too, and most of the time a nice person too, I think. But I do nag him about little stuff. We live in the condo that I have owned for a long time, and I have been a lot less flexible about sharing my stuff than he has. In a lot of ways, he's very easygoing and generous. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics