What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my husband lost his job, I paid his child support for years. I recommend you read his divorce decree to find out what he has to pay for and for how long. Mine didn't realize his obligation for some expenses terminated years prior and I ended up paying them until i realized and informed his ex. He was too scared to do so. Also, when she didn't pay the hospital charge for healh care insurance I paid, the creditors dinged my credit report -- I never knew there was an unpaid bill and had no recourse. Glad your eyes are open.

Oh, and get a prenup.

Me again. The great part about this was that I got to see how he behaved toward an ex wife and when I finally decided to end the marriage, I knew what to expect from him as an ex and as a divorced parent to our child.

I also changed from thinking poorly about his ex wife to wondering why it took me so much longer than it took her to quit the marriage. She saw early what I couldn't admit, which was that he wasn't going to be able to handle marriage and parenthood.

Last bit of advice --- as a new parent of a baby, you will want help. Do his parents like you and can they help, or do they resent the idea or just feel like they have already put time in with their grandchildren? Maybe they are too old, busy, far away, ill? They may have truly adored their first daughter in law and not be able to forgive him for the divorce. Tough stuff.

I honestly think we might have had a less stressful marriage if we hadn't had a kid and I just stayed a stepparent but he wanted more kids. On the other hand, I probably stayed 10 times longer in the marriage because of our child. It would have been easier to leave without a kid's needs to consider.

[Anonymous]

I had three kids and I married a guy who had never been married and never had kids. My ex was not in the picture. My second marriage lasted about a year. He left, saying he didn't know how much work three kids would be. He also didn't realize how much money they would cost. That divorce was really hard because it made my kids feel rejected AGAIN. They didn't deserve that. They were very nice to their stepdad and he had real issues dealing with regular kid stuff. He wanted to punish them really harshly for any carelessness. I would spend a lot of time with them before marriage if I were you. Try to be certain you will be in this forever before you marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my husband lost his job, I paid his child support for years. I recommend you read his divorce decree to find out what he has to pay for and for how long. Mine didn't realize his obligation for some expenses terminated years prior and I ended up paying them until i realized and informed his ex. He was too scared to do so. Also, when she didn't pay the hospital charge for healh care insurance I paid, the creditors dinged my credit report -- I never knew there was an unpaid bill and had no recourse. Glad your eyes are open.

Oh, and get a prenup.

This makes no sense. I get a few months, but after a year, no job, then he needs to find a way to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had three kids and I married a guy who had never been married and never had kids. My ex was not in the picture. My second marriage lasted about a year. He left, saying he didn't know how much work three kids would be. He also didn't realize how much money they would cost. That divorce was really hard because it made my kids feel rejected AGAIN. They didn't deserve that. They were very nice to their stepdad and he had real issues dealing with regular kid stuff. He wanted to punish them really harshly for any carelessness. I would spend a lot of time with them before marriage if I were you. Try to be certain you will be in this forever before you marry.

They should have been your financial responsibility, not his. He should help and support you, but you are the parent, not him. You set him up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After my husband lost his job, I paid his child support for years. I recommend you read his divorce decree to find out what he has to pay for and for how long. Mine didn't realize his obligation for some expenses terminated years prior and I ended up paying them until i realized and informed his ex. He was too scared to do so. Also, when she didn't pay the hospital charge for healh care insurance I paid, the creditors dinged my credit report -- I never knew there was an unpaid bill and had no recourse. Glad your eyes are open.

Oh, and get a prenup.

This makes no sense. I get a few months, but after a year, no job, then he needs to find a way to pay.

He did get a job but never made very much, lost money some years. Not enough to separate our finances and so I was paying. And it was my health care plan. Like I said, he wasn't cut out for adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had three kids and I married a guy who had never been married and never had kids. My ex was not in the picture. My second marriage lasted about a year. He left, saying he didn't know how much work three kids would be. He also didn't realize how much money they would cost. That divorce was really hard because it made my kids feel rejected AGAIN. They didn't deserve that. They were very nice to their stepdad and he had real issues dealing with regular kid stuff. He wanted to punish them really harshly for any carelessness. I would spend a lot of time with them before marriage if I were you. Try to be certain you will be in this forever before you marry.

They should have been your financial responsibility, not his. He should help and support you, but you are the parent, not him. You set him up.

Hey you, crappy judgmental one -- are you even a parent? Divorced? Glad this is so easy for you to sort out. The woman's husband knew she had 3 kids; he couldn't handle it. It happens. Not her fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had three kids and I married a guy who had never been married and never had kids. My ex was not in the picture. My second marriage lasted about a year. He left, saying he didn't know how much work three kids would be. He also didn't realize how much money they would cost. That divorce was really hard because it made my kids feel rejected AGAIN. They didn't deserve that. They were very nice to their stepdad and he had real issues dealing with regular kid stuff. He wanted to punish them really harshly for any carelessness. I would spend a lot of time with them before marriage if I were you. Try to be certain you will be in this forever before you marry.

They should have been your financial responsibility, not his. He should help and support you, but you are the parent, not him. You set him up.

I didn't set him up at all. When we married, I worked two pt jobs and he worked a ft job. He insisted I take a third pt job and he then quit his ft job. (He later admitted he quit because he didn't think his money should have to go to any household expenses like water, electric, gas, taxes, repairs, because he figured he didn't use much and I should pay for all of it.) He was accustomed to living a lifestyle that we couldn't continue with three kids. So he would buy take-out food for himself and eat it in front of the kids while I worked. He went on overseas vacations by himself because I couldn't afford my own ticket. We had discussed finances before marriage but he said he just figured I had additional money I was keeping a secret-- the way he and his mother did.

[Anonymous]

Thank you 2351. I took on more work to make up for the money, but that meant he had to watch the kids and he wasn't happy about that. Of course, I did have full custody and the OP's boyfriend doesn't-- but I think a stepparent always has to plan for that possibility.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're seeing worst case scenarios here. I mentioned before that you have to look at these kids as your own. Your role in reality will probably be moreso that of an aunt. I know of several blended families. In my circle, however, we don't do "steps" and "half" siblings. My parents are divorced 20 years now and I have siblings that others might classify as such, but we weren't raised that way. My friends and I probably represent every scenario of a blended family. I believe that many of the opinions you're reading here are from first wives who typically don't care for women in your predicament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - no cheating, we met about a year after his divorce / 3 years after mine.

Why should I expect his parents to like her a lot more

Pp - why the biggest mistake of your life

To the happy pp - what made it work for you

I think it works for me because I'm very independent by nature, and I care about kids in general. I was looking for a partner, not a caretaker. If I had been, I would have been very disappointed.

I do work and make good money. That's helpful. I pay for family vacations while husband pays child support. There are those types of financial trade offs.

FWIW, my husband's family LOVES me. And I feel I've got the best in laws ever.

And I married a good man. He's honest, caring, hardworking. He's not perfect and neither am I. But he's a fundamentally good, healthy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all make this sound really really miserable. To answer a few questions

- No i don't want to be a stay at home mom
- He has 50% physical custody. He seems very involved but I haven't actually seen him with the kids. I don't get the impression he pawns them off on his weekends and things

Would we be better off not having kids. If I could love his kids as my own, I think I'd be ok with that - I've never been a must have a baby person. But the responses are making it sound like it's both impossible to love the kids as your own and to also integrate a new kid without a lot of problems. Does this ever work nicely?!

Op, it does! I am a stepmom. I don't want to scare you off but you have to go in eyes wide open here. You will never have the nuclear family all to yourself thing that most women dream of. If you love him enough, that will not seem like a loss. But even sometimes it will. The ex and her response to you will determine a lot of how easy this is. My DH was also the one who finally asked for divorce and he hung around for years for their son because he hated the idea of not seeing him all the time. Out of the 11 years he was married, 7 were bad and he made it last as long as he could. But the wife wasn't happy about it and she has never warmed up to me. I am good to her son, love him, don't interfere with parenting, but it is what it is- she is never going to do more than tolerate the fact I exist. This has on occasion made things difficult for my DH and for me as well.

I was just like you in that I wanted my husband to put his son first and for the son to spend as much time with us/him as possible. That IS the right thing to do and want. But at first living the reality is hard. It means you're doing the work of building a life with someone and having to incorporate a living reminder of his past every single day. It's sitting on the couch together and then the ex wife calls and he has to talk to her for 30 minutes about something. It's spending an extra $500 you budgeted for something else on something that comes up for his kids. It's bringing the kids on vacation. When you have a baby, an ugly part of you will wonder does he love your baby as much as he loves them. My stepson is a GREAT brother because he always wanted siblings (FYI this is a big reason my DH wanted the divorce, wife would not consider more than one after they had their son). Your stepkids may or may not be.

I struggled a lot at first with finding it hard to separate my feelings toward the ex from feelings for her son. Like if I liked him or loved him it was giving her something that she didn't deserve. I hate that. Every time I'm around my stepson now I kick my own ass for how mean and petty I was at first, always tallying and keeping track and not wanting to fully let him into MY life and family. It took a good 3-4 years to get past that to the point we are at now which is that I love him and love that he is part of this family. His presence adds to our family, it no longer feels to me like I'm "sharing" my family time. I wish I had been more like you and had asked more questions going in to see what I was in for. Then again, I would probably have gotten scared and turned heel and would not have the lovely family I do now. And I would be a much more selfish person for the loss. Blending a family and accepting another person's child will force you to a tremendous amount of self reflection and betterment. That's why it's so hard- you're doing that on top of all the other normal parenting and marriage struggles. But if it works, it can be very rewarding.

[Anonymous]

Oh PP here/ the in law situation will also determine a lot. I have a wonderful mother in law who also took on two stepsons when she married my FIL. She could always listen to my fears and vents from that point of view rather than the "defensive grandmother" POV. It was so helpful to be able to say to her "I had no idea how hard this would be" and for her to say back "I know." She now has two ex daughters in law from her two sons and both remarried. She is kind and loving to all. We all have birth to one or more of her grandchildren and that is what she focuses on. Nobody is kicked out or shunned for being the ex because they are still mothers of grandchildren. She is just wonderful at balancing the care she has for the ex wives with the love and affection she also has for us second/current wives. In my best friends in life she is easily in the top 5. I don't know what I would do without her. But she also inspired me to be better and do better for my family and stepson while simultaneously validating that she knew it wasn't easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be really hard, OP. That's the best-case scenario. You should read Stepmonster, Sandcastles Divorce, and The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

Do not expect these kids to like you. They might, while they are young and naive, or they might go along to keep the peace. But their lives have been very seriously disrupted, and are just starting to settle down-- but along you come to disrupt everything again! Make sure you have age-appropriate and divorce-appropriate expectations for the children's behavior. Many a childless 2nd wife has screwed up her relationship by not being realistic about normal child development.

Do not fall into the naive 2nd wife trap of blaming the ex-wife for everything. Understand what role he played in the failure of his marriage. He is equally responsible for raising the children, and equally at fault for whatever you don't like about the way they're being raised.

Understand that you will be financially, logistically, and emotionally linked with this other household. If his ex loses her job, re-marries, has more kids or step-kids, has a serious illness, etc., it will affect your household as well. Family travel plans will have to be cleared with all. The schedule will be constantly changing and logistics will require a lot of time and attention. You won't be able to re-locate, at least until they go to college. It doesn't stop when they kids turn 18-- they still need to be parented and may return to the home. Also, be prepared that you may have full custody if anything happens to his ex or if the kids decide they want to live with their dad as teenagers. If you want to parent your future child in a significantly different style, that will be tough for everyone.

Your baby will be one of three. He or she will not have the idyllic early childhood with the full attention of two parents. Your husband will always be spread too thin financially, logistically, and emotionally. He will probably not handle it well-- most men don't. Try to make sure he understands what he's signing up for.

Lower your expectations to the absolute rock bottom and then some. Apparently it takes about 5 years to "blend" and even then sometimes it never really works.

^^^ that's a really good answer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - no cheating, we met about a year after his divorce / 3 years after mine.

Why should I expect his parents to like her a lot more

Pp - why the biggest mistake of your life

To the happy pp - what made it work for you

So how long have you been together? To me dating a 1 year after a divorce especially with kids seems quick?


He may not have cheated but he has also shown he's not willing to put in hard work when a marriage hits a rough patch and there will be plenty of them.



How old are his kids?

[Anonymous]

Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now