Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You all make this sound really really miserable.  To answer a few questions

- No i don't want to be a stay at home mom
- He has 50% physical custody.  He seems very involved but I haven't actually seen him with the kids.  I don't get the impression he pawns them off on his weekends and things

Would we be better off not having kids.  If I could love his kids as my own, I think I'd be ok with that - I've never been a must have a baby person.  But the responses are making it sound like it's both impossible to love the kids as your own and to also integrate a new kid without a lot of problems.  Does this ever work nicely?!
[/quote]

I've seen it work ok, but I'm only seeing from the outside.  My family would probably appear good to an outsider too, but that's partially because I (a child of the first marriage) am concealing a lot of my opinions to make life easier for everyone including myself.  And some dumb luck in not facing financial or health catastrophes while the children are young.  These major life stressors are even more difficult and stressful in a complicated family.  I think a lot depends on the personalities, and what people's expectations are.  Lower your expectations to the absolute minimum.  There is no disputing that it's really, really, really tough.  If you do this, you should get therapy for yourself just to have someone to talk to about it.  Your boyfriend will be overwhelmed just trying to cope with his responsibilities.

If you are someone who needs a lot of attention and wants an attentive father for your child, don't do this.  He was willing to sacrifice half of his time with his kids to get out of the marriage even though his ex wanted to keep working on it.  This means time with the kids isn't that important to him.[/quote]

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