Dreamed my father died last night. I'm estranged from him...I need some DCUM therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While he is alive you have the opportunity to make peace with your father. Ask yourself how you will you feel if/when he does and you are still estranged. Make the effort because you will never regret having done so. Good luck.

OP here. This is what my DH thinks as well. He wasn't close with his father, but they spoke every now and then. He was very close with mother and still gets very emotional when thinking of her. So he thinks I should make peace while I still can.

I didn't dream of him last night so that was a relief.

I guess I am so reluctant to reach out because I really don't think of him often. Before this dream, I probably hadn't thought of him in at least a year. Prior to this dream, IDGAF. (Or at least I thought I didn't?) What if I reach out and realize he doesn't give a fu@K? That would be heartbreaking. I've been blissfully ambivalent about him all of these years and I don't know that I want to actually realize that he doesn't care about me. (Was that confusing--sounds confusing when I read it)

My mother has hoped for years that we would reconcile, but then I remind her of the a$$ beatings, slaps, and locking me out of the house for days and that shuts her down. She'll still throw in a little barb "You survived".

You have a lot to forgive but it is true that forgiveness is a gift to yourself. This would be an opportunity for you to tell him how you feel and how much it hurt you. He may try to justify or he may ask for your forgiveness. But primarily it will free you of this burden.

Again, I wish you good luck. Come back and let us know what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your mom forgiven him?

What the fuck does this have to do with anything? OP's mother LET him abuse her?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your mom forgiven him?

What the fuck does this have to do with anything? OP's mother LET him abuse her?!

You are woefully ignorant re domestic abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your mom forgiven him?

What the fuck does this have to do with anything? OP's mother LET him abuse her?!

You are woefully ignorant re domestic abuse.

Unfortunately, I'm all too familiar with it. I was on the receiving end. You can spout all you like about how OP's mother was a victim too but when it boils down to it, she failed to protect OP. We can agree to disagree on that. Whether OP's mother has forgiven OP's father should have no part in OP's decision. Two different women, two different relationships. OP needs to make her decision independent of what her mother has decided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your mom forgiven him?

What the fuck does this have to do with anything? OP's mother LET him abuse her?!

You are woefully ignorant re domestic abuse.

Unfortunately, I'm all too familiar with it. I was on the receiving end. You can spout all you like about how OP's mother was a victim too but when it boils down to it, she failed to protect OP. We can agree to disagree on that. Whether OP's mother has forgiven OP's father should have no part in OP's decision. Two different women, two different relationships. OP needs to make her decision independent of what her mother has decided.

OP here. My mother did not consider what my father did to me as abuse. She condoned it and did not disagree with his actions. She considered it punishment or the consequences of my bad behavior. So there is no forgiveness there. Now If you asking if she has forgiven him for cheating on her, yes she has.

I have decided that I am not reaching out. The dream has stopped consuming me for the time being and my brain is back to remembering how life was with him. I'm sure I'll regret this decision but I don't want to face the prospect that he doesn't care about me. I'm trying to get to back to not giving a fu&K.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your father's relationship like with your brother's children? Is he a good grandfather? Is he toxic in any way, either to them or to your brother?

I'm wondering if maybe you might find a middle way that would alleviate any guilt you have (though undeserved!) and give you peace, but with little risk to your own well being.

If your father has shown himself to be a responsible and loving grandfather to your nieces and nephews, and given that your daughter has expressed interest in a relationship with him, could you facilitate a relationship between your daughter and father? You could do so without any contact on your part. She could just accompany her cousins on outings, etc., and you wouldn't have to see hm at all.

Just a thought. When faced with a difficult, emotional situation, sometimes we trap ourselves into thinking we have to decide between all of A or all of B, when really there are more limited options that will best meet our needs.

I think it is totally legit to prioritize your own emotional wellbeing above all else, and do so with NO GUILT. That should be the bottom line, regardless of how you proceed,

Best wishes, OP.

[Anonymous]

22:27. I didn't read last post before I wrote. Just want to say good for you. Don't assume you'll have regrets. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

I have decided that I am not reaching out. The dream has stopped consuming me for the time being and my brain is back to remembering how life was with him. I'm sure I'll regret this decision but I don't want to face the prospect that he doesn't care about me. I'm trying to get to back to not giving a fu&K.

Like the PP suggested, I wouldn't assume you'll have regrets. You have to remember that you've been conditioned by your parents and by society that you're supposed to love and have a relationship with your parents, that your children 'miss out' by not having a relationship with their grandparents. Bullshit! The most important thing is to have healthy relationships! I can't tell you how amazing it is to be relieved of the burden of maintaining a relationship with someone who doesn't deserve it. When you're an adult, family is who you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your mom forgiven him?

What the fuck does this have to do with anything? OP's mother LET him abuse her?!

You are woefully ignorant re domestic abuse.

Unfortunately, I'm all too familiar with it. I was on the receiving end. You can spout all you like about how OP's mother was a victim too but when it boils down to it, she failed to protect OP. We can agree to disagree on that. Whether OP's mother has forgiven OP's father should have no part in OP's decision. Two different women, two different relationships. OP needs to make her decision independent of what her mother has decided.

OP here. My mother did not consider what my father did to me as abuse. She condoned it and did not disagree with his actions. She considered it punishment or the consequences of my bad behavior. So there is no forgiveness there. Now If you asking if she has forgiven him for cheating on her, yes she has.

I have decided that I am not reaching out. The dream has stopped consuming me for the time being and my brain is back to remembering how life was with him. I'm sure I'll regret this decision but I don't want to face the prospect that he doesn't care about me. I'm trying to get to back to not giving a fu&K.

I missed this thread the first time around, OP. I was estranged from my father for my adult life and only met back up when he was dying and his brother (who I get along with) asked me to. The last straw for me had been a few years earlier at that brother's/uncle's wedding. I'd been in therapy about the estrangement and it gave me the insight and strength to talk to him about the reasons for the estrangement--play out that fantasy about them saying "I was wrong, sorry I hurt you." Didn't happen. By his response it was clear that he had not changed, would not change, and did not see anything wrong with what he'd done. So I started mourning him then, and when he actually was ill and died it was nbd to go back and support my uncle and pay lip service to my dying dad.

You don't have to regret this decision. If you were my friend I would recommend that you find a therapist (male) to work through this and maybe help you uninstall the guilt programming he installed during your childhood.

[Anonymous]

Someone posted this article from Slate on the Estranged thread http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/536866.page


http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html . I really related to it and you might, too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Op, have you ever expressed to him how you feel?

[Anonymous]

OP Here,

I have never expressed to father my feelings. I'm trying to remember exactly how the estrangement started. When I graduated high school, he didn't attend the graduation. I don't remember why exactly, I think it was because I had worn a really short skirt somewhere a few days before and he had slapped me. Said I looked like a whore or something to that nature. So when he didn't attend graduation that was the beginning of the end. We just stopped speaking. We were living in the same house not having any interaction with each other at all. If I walked in the den and he was there watching TV, I would just leave or If I was watching something and he wanted to watch something, he would grab remote change TV and I would then leave the room. No words would be spoken. Even though I was 18, he threw me out of the house because I spent the night over my BF's house (I moved in with my grandma). That lasted about 3 months. Mom said I could move back because I was starting college, so I did. But then I got into some legal trouble, he offered to help, I turned it down. My best friend's parents helped me with the legal fees. Shortly there after parents announced they were divorcing. He said he wanted to to talk and gave me the "I just want to be happy talk". That was the last real conversation we ever had. It seems really weird as I write that out. I moved out to my own place and that was that. We just never spoke again. He never called me, I never called him. He had is new family and it was like now we have no reason to ever interact with each other again.

Honestly, I think I do want him to say "I was wrong and I am sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for everything." But I know that won't happen. My father never apologized to me for anything. God, it's funny what you remember...I remember being about 12 years old and my dad dropped cigarette ashes all over my birthday cake that my grandma had made for me special (she made the best cakes). He just looked at it, looked at me and walked away. I just dumped it in the trash. Grandma went out and bought one from the store. It wasn't the same.

Man, I'm tearing up thinking about this. How does this happen? That your father just stops trying to contact you? I'm trying to connect the dots. Trying to really remember. Am I leaving something out? Do I have selective memory and I'm not remembering my role in this?

Over 20 years have passed and he's never reached out to me. It does make me very sad.

[Anonymous]

12:43 here who posted a link to the Slate article. I can tell you that you are not leaving anything out. You do not have selective memory. You were the child, he was the adult. You can't be blamed for his reactions nor do you have a role to 'own' in your interactions. That's just fucked up talk from people who don't know shit about growing up the way you did. The quote below is from the Slate article. What this dream has done is woken up your negative memories and feelings. You should be sad because what happened to you was wrong. Don't start second guessing yourself. Hugs.


Loved ones and friends—sometimes even therapists—who urge reconnecting with a parent often speak as if forgiveness will be a psychic aloe vera, a balm that will heal the wounds of the past. They warn of the guilt that will dog the victim if the perpetrator dies estranged. What these people fail to take into account is the potential psychological cost of reconnecting, of dredging up painful memories and reviving destructive patterns.

[Anonymous]

My goodness, OP - I'm so sorry for what you went through. You were cheated of a decent human being for a father. Kudos to you for forging a life for yourself despite his neglect and abuse. I would not reconnect with him.

[Anonymous]

If you dream that your father die, he is going to get Marry . If you dream that he is getting marry , He is going to die. So he is not dying. is going to get marry .