Dreamed my father died last night. I'm estranged from him...I need some DCUM therapy.

[Anonymous]

^^I meant to add regarding the legal trouble, that he could make it disappear with his connections/money.

[Anonymous]

I am up in middle of night too so I will write and say I am so sorry to hear you are troubled.

You sound like a strong person, a survivor. I try to live life thinking about what I might regret when time is passed. Dream could be a way of your mind saying you wish there was resolution.

Letter idea is good for closure. What if you tried short phone call to me where you said you wished for way to have him meet kids you are so proud of? And you will have to decide whether you need to say things to him to make you feel better...

Hard issue but again I respect your pain and pray you find peace

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here I am at 3am, awake. I dreamt of my father again. This time it was clearer and he died of pancreatic cancer.

I think I would feel bad if he died and I didn't reach out, but I think that's because of my upbringing and being taught that I am supposed to forgive.

I am mourning a father I never had. It also makes me sad that he reaches out to my brother's children and not mine. My DD knows that he calls, sends gifts and spends time with her cousins. In fact, one time all the children were visiting my mom, he came over to pick up brother's children (my nieces), knew my DD was there and said he didn't think she should come even though my DH said it was OK and she wanted to go (I wasn't there). She has asked me why he doesn't want to spend time with her. She asked "Does he hate me because of you?"

I am sitting here in tears because even though he was a terrible father to me, I don't want him to die without knowing my children or the person I turned out to be. We were never close, even when I was a child. I truly think he didn't like me and honestly I know that I didn't like him, but it seems wrong for me not to care about him. And it seems wrong to me that he has never reached out to me to try to mend the relationship. I think part of the reason that he didn't like me was because I was overweight and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't change that. Example: At 16, he said if you lose weight I will buy a new car, instead I got fatter. At HS graduation, if you lose weight I will pay for first choice out of state college. I instead went to last choice state school on scholarship. I got in some legal trouble while in college, he offered to help--with strings, instead I accepted the consequences. I didn't want to be indebted to him for anything.

Ugh! Why am I up thinking about this? Okay, tears over. I don't want this person in my brain or my heart. I don't want to feel like I need him to forgive me. He should want me to forgive him! He was the one that did wrong! He is the reason we are estranged! It's not my fault! I am the child, he is the adult. He's supposed to do the right thing! But in this dream it seems like it's my fault...Is it my fault? Should I be the bigger person?

I think I am going to take the advice of pp that said write a letter but not to mail it.

Not your fault. What I am hearing is a bunch of cultural conditioning about guilt and forgiveness and you better believe it's mostly because you are a woman. Let it go. He sucks and he is not changing and you should be thrilled he isn't spreading his toxicity to your child. Thrilled.

[Anonymous]

OP, how is your relationship with your mom? Trying to see if you have any other support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here I am at 3am, awake. I dreamt of my father again. This time it was clearer and he died of pancreatic cancer.

I think I would feel bad if he died and I didn't reach out, but I think that's because of my upbringing and being taught that I am supposed to forgive.

I am mourning a father I never had. It also makes me sad that he reaches out to my brother's children and not mine. My DD knows that he calls, sends gifts and spends time with her cousins. In fact, one time all the children were visiting my mom, he came over to pick up brother's children (my nieces), knew my DD was there and said he didn't think she should come even though my DH said it was OK and she wanted to go (I wasn't there). She has asked me why he doesn't want to spend time with her. She asked "Does he hate me because of you?"

I am sitting here in tears because even though he was a terrible father to me, I don't want him to die without knowing my children or the person I turned out to be. We were never close, even when I was a child. I truly think he didn't like me and honestly I know that I didn't like him, but it seems wrong for me not to care about him. And it seems wrong to me that he has never reached out to me to try to mend the relationship. I think part of the reason that he didn't like me was because I was overweight and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't change that. Example: At 16, he said if you lose weight I will buy a new car, instead I got fatter. At HS graduation, if you lose weight I will pay for first choice out of state college. I instead went to last choice state school on scholarship. I got in some legal trouble while in college, he offered to help--with strings, instead I accepted the consequences. I didn't want to be indebted to him for anything.

Ugh! Why am I up thinking about this? Okay, tears over. I don't want this person in my brain or my heart. I don't want to feel like I need him to forgive me. He should want me to forgive him! He was the one that did wrong! He is the reason we are estranged! It's not my fault! I am the child, he is the adult. He's supposed to do the right thing! But in this dream it seems like it's my fault...Is it my fault? Should I be the bigger person?

I think I am going to take the advice of pp that said write a letter but not to mail it.

Not your fault. What I am hearing is a bunch of cultural conditioning about guilt and forgiveness and you better believe it's mostly because you are a woman. Let it go. He sucks and he is not changing and you should be thrilled he isn't spreading his toxicity to your child. Thrilled.

I disagree . You should be the bigger person . The talk may not go well , but even that would make you more certain you did the right thing staying away. In his 70s he's not going to be too toxic.

[Anonymous]

Not your fault. What I am hearing is a bunch of cultural conditioning about guilt and forgiveness and you better believe it's mostly because you are a woman. Let it go. He sucks and he is not changing and you should be thrilled he isn't spreading his toxicity to your child. Thrilled.

This is what I heard, too. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here I am at 3am, awake. I dreamt of my father again. This time it was clearer and he died of pancreatic cancer.

I think I would feel bad if he died and I didn't reach out, but I think that's because of my upbringing and being taught that I am supposed to forgive.

I am mourning a father I never had. It also makes me sad that he reaches out to my brother's children and not mine. My DD knows that he calls, sends gifts and spends time with her cousins. In fact, one time all the children were visiting my mom, he came over to pick up brother's children (my nieces), knew my DD was there and said he didn't think she should come even though my DH said it was OK and she wanted to go (I wasn't there). She has asked me why he doesn't want to spend time with her. She asked "Does he hate me because of you?"

I am sitting here in tears because even though he was a terrible father to me, I don't want him to die without knowing my children or the person I turned out to be. We were never close, even when I was a child. I truly think he didn't like me and honestly I know that I didn't like him, but it seems wrong for me not to care about him. And it seems wrong to me that he has never reached out to me to try to mend the relationship. I think part of the reason that he didn't like me was because I was overweight and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't change that. Example: At 16, he said if you lose weight I will buy a new car, instead I got fatter. At HS graduation, if you lose weight I will pay for first choice out of state college. I instead went to last choice state school on scholarship. I got in some legal trouble while in college, he offered to help--with strings, instead I accepted the consequences. I didn't want to be indebted to him for anything.

Ugh! Why am I up thinking about this? Okay, tears over. I don't want this person in my brain or my heart. I don't want to feel like I need him to forgive me. He should want me to forgive him! He was the one that did wrong! He is the reason we are estranged! It's not my fault! I am the child, he is the adult. He's supposed to do the right thing! But in this dream it seems like it's my fault...Is it my fault? Should I be the bigger person?

I think I am going to take the advice of pp that said write a letter but not to mail it.

Not your fault. What I am hearing is a bunch of cultural conditioning about guilt and forgiveness and you better believe it's mostly because you are a woman. Let it go. He sucks and he is not changing and you should be thrilled he isn't spreading his toxicity to your child. Thrilled.

I disagree . You should be the bigger person . The talk may not go well , but even that would make you more certain you did the right thing staying away. In his 70s he's not going to be too toxic.

Based on what evidence? Plenty of elderly people are toxic and abusive. "being the bigger person" is for when you had a spat with your sister over Cowboys v. Redskins. Not for when you are dealing with an abusive family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not your fault. What I am hearing is a bunch of cultural conditioning about guilt and forgiveness and you better believe it's mostly because you are a woman. Let it go. He sucks and he is not changing and you should be thrilled he isn't spreading his toxicity to your child. Thrilled.

This is what I heard, too. Sorry, OP.

And not to pile on, but OF COURSE your father "taught you about the importance of forgiveness." The people who harp the most about other people needing to forgive, are those MOST desirous of forgiveness, because of their toxic and abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how is your relationship with your mom? Trying to see if you have any other support.

I have a really good relationship with my mom. We talk 3-4 times a week and she visits me often (lives down South). She has a close relationship with my children and DH. I have support from my DH as well and we have talked at length about these dreams, how I am feeling, and what he thinks I should do. He thinks I should let it go or either write a letter and not send it. Both of his parents are deceased, so to some extent he doesn't understand the my turmoil. He thinks I will regret not reaching out. He does think I should be the bigger person.

I am hopeful that tonight I will be able to rest.

[Anonymous]

What does your mom think you should do? Also - I couldn't tell if you were saying that dh does or doesn't think you should contact your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how is your relationship with your mom? Trying to see if you have any other support.

I have a really good relationship with my mom. We talk 3-4 times a week and she visits me often (lives down South). She has a close relationship with my children and DH. I have support from my DH as well and we have talked at length about these dreams, how I am feeling, and what he thinks I should do. He thinks I should let it go or either write a letter and not send it. Both of his parents are deceased, so to some extent he doesn't understand the my turmoil. He thinks I will regret not reaching out. He does think I should be the bigger person.

I am hopeful that tonight I will be able to rest.

I don't mean to sway you one way or another but if your DH didn't grow up in a dysfunctional household, it will be extremely difficult for him to understand how deep your pain goes. After extensive relationship counseling, my DH is aware of how my childhood impacted me but he can't really understand how it has scarred me and how emotions can be triggered that bring up all that old shit.

Every 3-5 years, I go back to counseling myself just to make sure I'm on a good path. As my kids get older, different memories are re-awakened. I've realized (yes, I know I'm talking about me, me, me and not you) that until my kids reach the age I was when I cut off contact, this re-awakening will continue to happen. Just this weekend, as I was driving my DS to an school event, I was reminded how much anxiety I always had prior to an event because I was never sure I'd have transportation there. My parents would know about the event but, because he was so fucked up, my father would often forbid me to go, forbid my mother to take me or, at the last minute, tell me I had to find my own ride if I wanted to go. I was fucked no matter what. If I arranged a ride ahead of time, I'd have to call and tell my ride I couldn't go. If he prevented my mother from taking me, I'd have to scramble for a ride. If I couldn't go at all, I'd have to contact someone to let them know I wouldn't be there. It was awful. I was good at this activity and was sought out by teachers/students - and I wanted to do it. But, I ended up quitting because I just couldn't take the rollercoaster. My DH doesn't really understand what I went through and what I go through when these memories are re-awakened. But, at least he understands there's no way I will ever reconcile with my father. When you're an adult, you get to choose who your family is.

[Anonymous]

While he is alive you have the opportunity to make peace with your father. Ask yourself how you will you feel if/when he does and you are still estranged. Make the effort because you will never regret having done so. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While he is alive you have the opportunity to make peace with your father. Ask yourself how you will you feel if/when he does and you are still estranged. Make the effort because you will never regret having done so. Good luck.

OP here. This is what my DH thinks as well. He wasn't close with his father, but they spoke every now and then. He was very close with mother and still gets very emotional when thinking of her. So he thinks I should make peace while I still can.

I didn't dream of him last night so that was a relief.

I guess I am so reluctant to reach out because I really don't think of him often. Before this dream, I probably hadn't thought of him in at least a year. Prior to this dream, IDGAF. (Or at least I thought I didn't?) What if I reach out and realize he doesn't give a fu@K? That would be heartbreaking. I've been blissfully ambivalent about him all of these years and I don't know that I want to actually realize that he doesn't care about me. (Was that confusing--sounds confusing when I read it)

My mother has hoped for years that we would reconcile, but then I remind her of the a$$ beatings, slaps, and locking me out of the house for days and that shuts her down. She'll still throw in a little barb "You survived".

[Anonymous]

Has your mom forgiven him?

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't tell you what to do but I do want to say that I am in awe of you for having survived such a terrible childhood. I hope you are proud of yourself for having survived and gone on to have a life and a family of your own. Whatever you do about your father, do it on your own terms and hold your head high. Best wishes to you!