Dreamed my father died last night. I'm estranged from him...I need some DCUM therapy.

[Anonymous]

I had a dream that my father died last night. It felt so real, I woke up very distressed and haven't been able to stop thinking about him/the dream. We are estranged, I haven't spoke to him in many years. I did see him at a my grandmother's funeral (my mom's mother) and gave him a brief hug about 8 years ago, but other than that we have had no contact in over 20 years.

He divorced my mother after 34 years of marriage. He had been cheating on her for several years. Soon after the divorce, he married the other woman and had a child with that woman. We stopped speaking after the divorce. I have never met his new wife (they are now divorced) I also have never met the child he had with this woman.

We are essentially estranged because he lied so much. When I was a teenager, he used to beat my a$$ for lying. I mean if I lied about anything and he caught me, he would whip me severely with a belt. But while he was beating my a$$ for lying, he was lying to us (the family) everyday. So I decided I was done with him. I remember when he told me that he was divorcing my mom, he said "I just want to be happy" but one thing he would say all the time to me and my brother when we would say the same thing was "Happiness is for children".

He still has a relationship with my brother and his children, so through them I hear just a little bit about how he is doing, but that is very little. Anyway, this dream is really bothering me. Do I want him to die and we never resolve this? I thought I didn't care, so I'm confused why this is consuming me today. I don't hate him, I thought I was ambivalent but clearly I am not. Honestly, I don't want to actually talk to him, but I don't want to feel guilty or whatever it is you feel when someone dies and you didn't have closure. He is 77 and I am 44.

Should I write a letter? Please help.

[Anonymous]

I read once that a good way to analyze a dream is to imagine you are the symbolic parts of it, ask yourself questions, and listen to the answers that come in your head. For example, pretend you are your father in the dream and ask yourself questions, like, why are you dying? What do you want from me? Also if there's a meaningful object in your dream, pretend you're the object and go through the same process.

That may give you some clarity as to what your subconscious is trying to tell you. I mean, it could be that your father's memory is dying and you're finally letting go of him. Or it could mean that you're afraid he'll die without you having talked to him again. These are odd guesses on my part. You're the only one who can say for sure.

Good luck, OP! I hope your answer becomes clear.

[Anonymous]

Just a dream, OP. You are over thinking and over reacting.

[Anonymous]

you're subconscious is processing stuff. Decide if you want to talk to him once more before he dies. If you do, then do. If not, then you certainly have nothing to feel guilty about from what you wrote.

Sometimes a dream is just a dream and sometimes it's fortelling.

[Anonymous]

Have a heart, PP. OP is hurting. She survived abuse.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. I know most times a dream is just a dream but it is still bothering me. I called my brother to passively ask about him, but my brother is an a$$hole and told me to call him myself if I was so concerned.

Thanks for the advice and kind words.

[Anonymous]

You are estranged for a reason and those reasons haven't changed. He will not bring you closure on issues that are yours alone. If you cannot accept that he is capable of living a lie while demanding honesty from everyone else, then how will you accept any reply he might provide to your questions? You really do not have enough of a basis to understand and filter anything he says. It may be that death is the topic of your dream and he is just the manifestation of it because he is emotionally removed from you. If your mind needs to adjust to aging why not couch the scary stuff in the role of the someone already lost?

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself how you'd feel if he did die and you didn't restablish contact. It sounds like you'd be upset. Maybe get in touch and say you are sorry for how things ended up betwem you two. His might be your only chance.

[Anonymous]

My dad died a couple months ago and I don't regret not talking to him because he was dying. We were estranged for almost 10 years for similar reasons. I went to therapy to discuss it and wrote a letter, not to give him, but to say good-bye and have closure for me. If you write a letter, DON'T SEND it unless you've really thought it through. I realized my life was better without him. I feel a sense of relief that I will never run into him again.

[Anonymous]

I had a dream like this about my brother, whom I am estranged from.

It was just a dream. Dreams are frequently all sort of weird and bizarre, and people that regularly make real life decisions based on dreams are mental cases.

In actual life, my brother is still an asshole. I don't wish him dead, but I still want nothing to do with him.

Make decisions based on real life - not dream life.

[Anonymous]

I am estranged from my father too and every once in awhile I wonder how I would feel if he died... I don't know how I would feel, probably sad and a bit numb. It doesn't really mean that I should have anything to do with him though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself how you'd feel if he did die and you didn't restablish contact. It sounds like you'd be upset. Maybe get in touch and say you are sorry for how things ended up betwem you two. His might be your only chance.

"Sorry for how things ended up"??? Are you nuts?? He was an abusive asshole. He BEAT OP. OP, no, you should not reach out. Stay away.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar situation with an abusive, estranged father. I am not religious, but one night I had a vivid dream that an angel was talking to me. She told me that my dad was going to die and told me that if I needed to call him, that I should do it the next morning. I asked the angel if she thought I should call. We talked about the last time that I saw him and that it was a relatively good note that we left things on. She told me that if I called, we would not likely have such a good conversation. And then the news of his death would feel more complicated and be harder on me. She said the call won't change the past but it could make things more difficult for me.

A couple days later, he died. I'm so grateful for that dream because it made things emotionally easy for me to process. I hadn't spoken to him for years and because of that angel dream, I was at complete peace with that.

So I would ask yourself: would the call complicate things or change them for the better?

I'm wishing you peace in whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

In a way, OP, he died already as far as your relationship is concerned. Are you upset about him in particular or are you mourning a father you never had but wished you did?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Here I am at 3am, awake. I dreamt of my father again. This time it was clearer and he died of pancreatic cancer.

I think I would feel bad if he died and I didn't reach out, but I think that's because of my upbringing and being taught that I am supposed to forgive.

I am mourning a father I never had. It also makes me sad that he reaches out to my brother's children and not mine. My DD knows that he calls, sends gifts and spends time with her cousins. In fact, one time all the children were visiting my mom, he came over to pick up brother's children (my nieces), knew my DD was there and said he didn't think she should come even though my DH said it was OK and she wanted to go (I wasn't there). She has asked me why he doesn't want to spend time with her. She asked "Does he hate me because of you?"

I am sitting here in tears because even though he was a terrible father to me, I don't want him to die without knowing my children or the person I turned out to be. We were never close, even when I was a child. I truly think he didn't like me and honestly I know that I didn't like him, but it seems wrong for me not to care about him. And it seems wrong to me that he has never reached out to me to try to mend the relationship. I think part of the reason that he didn't like me was because I was overweight and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't change that. Example: At 16, he said if you lose weight I will buy a new car, instead I got fatter. At HS graduation, if you lose weight I will pay for first choice out of state college. I instead went to last choice state school on scholarship. I got in some legal trouble while in college, he offered to help--with strings, instead I accepted the consequences. I didn't want to be indebted to him for anything.

Ugh! Why am I up thinking about this? Okay, tears over. I don't want this person in my brain or my heart. I don't want to feel like I need him to forgive me. He should want me to forgive him! He was the one that did wrong! He is the reason we are estranged! It's not my fault! I am the child, he is the adult. He's supposed to do the right thing! But in this dream it seems like it's my fault...Is it my fault? Should I be the bigger person?

I think I am going to take the advice of pp that said write a letter but not to mail it.