Dreamed my father died last night. I'm estranged from him...I need some DCUM therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:43 here who posted a link to the Slate article. I can tell you that you are not leaving anything out. You do not have selective memory. You were the child, he was the adult. You can't be blamed for his reactions nor do you have a role to 'own' in your interactions. That's just fucked up talk from people who don't know shit about growing up the way you did. The quote below is from the Slate article. What this dream has done is woken up your negative memories and feelings. You should be sad because what happened to you was wrong. Don't start second guessing yourself. Hugs.


Loved ones and friends—sometimes even therapists—who urge reconnecting with a parent often speak as if forgiveness will be a psychic aloe vera, a balm that will heal the wounds of the past. They warn of the guilt that will dog the victim if the perpetrator dies estranged. What these people fail to take into account is the potential psychological cost of reconnecting, of dredging up painful memories and reviving destructive patterns.

Hey, thanks for posting that article. I read over it several times. My friends and family regularly urge me to reconnect with my farther, but I'm just not there yet. This dream has shaken me though. And I do feel guilt. That article pointed to several issues in life that are holding me hostage right now; "Abuse victims are more likely to suffer from depression, substance abuse, broken relationships, chronic diseases, and even obesity[u]."

I want to do the right thing, I want to forgive. I want to show my daughter and my nieces that I am the bigger person. But I can't. I just can't.

[Anonymous]

OP, you dont need to forgive your father, or reconnect with him. You need to process your trauma. Maybe addressing it in therapy, a letter, whatever, but the point is that its not that you need to see him before he dies, or reconnect, its that something is telling you that its time to fully process the grief and anger over how abusive and--really--unloving he was. Things in your post suggest to me that as a teen you were doing what you could for him to demonstrate that he loved you and cared about you, and all he did, every time, was disappoint. Its unlikely he's going to change now, but it is likely that you are ready to full let this go. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hey, thanks for posting that article. I read over it several times. My friends and family regularly urge me to reconnect with my farther, but I'm just not there yet. This dream has shaken me though. And I do feel guilt. That article pointed to several issues in life that are holding me hostage right now; "Abuse victims are more likely to suffer from depression, substance abuse, broken relationships, chronic diseases, and even obesity[u]."

I want to do the right thing, I want to forgive. I want to show my daughter and my nieces that I am the bigger person. But I can't. I just can't.

12:43 again. Something else in the article struck me. Did you read the part about 'substitute spouse for parent' - would people still be encouraging you to have a relationship with your abuser?

Forgiveness isn't a magic bullet. It doesn't make you a 'bigger' person. What you need to be showing your DD and nieces is that you made the right choice for YOU. You have moved on. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Your father did not and has not treated you well. The natural consequence of not being treated well is not having a relationship with someone. It doesn't matter if that person is your parent, a lover or a friend. Would you want your DD to experience what you've experienced? I know I wouldn't. I'm working really hard to raise my kids so they know their value and to discard unhealthy ones - that would include me and DH if our kids felt we weren't respectful and loving. Relationships must be nurtured, not taken for granted. Your father is a POS and you deserve better.