Reply to Dreamed my father died last night. I'm estranged from him...I need some DCUM therapy.

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Reply to "Dreamed my father died last night. I'm estranged from him...I need some DCUM therapy."

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[quote=Anonymous]OP Here,

I have never expressed to father my feelings.  I'm trying to remember exactly how the estrangement started.  When I graduated high school, he didn't attend the graduation.  I don't remember why exactly, I think it was because I had worn a really short skirt somewhere a few days before and he had slapped me.  Said I looked like a whore or something to that nature.  So when he didn't attend graduation that was the beginning of the end.  We just stopped speaking.  We were living in the same house not having any interaction with each other at all.  If I walked in the den and he was there watching TV, I would just leave or If I was watching something and he wanted to watch something, he would grab remote change TV and I would then leave the room.  No words would be spoken.  Even though I was 18, he threw me out of the house because I spent the night over my BF's house (I moved in with my grandma).  That lasted about 3 months.  Mom said I could move back because I was starting college, so  I did.  But then I got into some legal trouble, he offered to help, I turned it down.  My best friend's parents helped me with the legal fees.  Shortly there after parents announced they were divorcing. He said he wanted to to talk and gave me the "I just want to be happy talk".  That was the last real conversation we ever had.  It seems really weird as I write that out.  I moved out to my own place and that was that.  We just never spoke again.  He never called me, I never called him. He had is new family and it was like now we have no reason to ever interact with each other again.

Honestly, I think I do want him to say "I was wrong and I am sorry I hurt you.  I'm sorry for everything."  But I know that won't happen.  My father never apologized to me for anything.  God, it's funny what you remember...I remember being about 12 years old and my dad dropped cigarette ashes all over my birthday cake that my grandma had made for me special (she made the best cakes).  He just looked at it, looked at me and walked away.  I just dumped it in the trash.  Grandma went out and bought one from the store.  It wasn't the same.

Man, I'm tearing up thinking about this.  How does this happen?  That your father just stops trying to contact you? I'm trying to connect the dots. Trying to really remember.  Am I leaving something out?  Do I have selective memory and I'm not remembering my role in this?

Over 20 years have passed and he's never reached out to me.  It does make me very sad.

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