DH resents me being SAH

[Anonymous]

Just my perspective as the working husband with a SAHM wife. Kids are 8 and 5 and wife hasn't worked since youngest was born.

It works really well for us, but partly because my wife does almost all domestic tasks. Sure, I help with dishes and bath and bedtime when I get home, trash, stuff on weekends. But all other domestic responsibilities are hers, from meals, to groceries, to doctors appointments, Christmas gifts and cards. She is really good and organized. By the end of the day, after the kids are in bed, we both relax together.

The reason this works, we are both working hard. If I had the perception that I was busting my chops at work for 9 hours and still had to do a chunk of domestic duties, I would be resentful. Caveat - when the children are really young like OPs its harder to get stuff done (both ours are in school now).

Agree with previous posters, you need to talk. And I am not implying that you aren't pulling your weight, but if you are SAH you need to accept the domestic is your role. If not, you need to get a job outside the home. On a related note, the generic advice is also: how's your sex life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just my perspective as the working husband with a SAHM wife. Kids are 8 and 5 and wife hasn't worked since youngest was born.

It works really well for us, but partly because my wife does almost all domestic tasks. Sure, I help with dishes and bath and bedtime when I get home, trash, stuff on weekends. But all other domestic responsibilities are hers, from meals, to groceries, to doctors appointments, Christmas gifts and cards. She is really good and organized. By the end of the day, after the kids are in bed, we both relax together.

The reason this works, we are both working hard. If I had the perception that I was busting my chops at work for 9 hours and still had to do a chunk of domestic duties, I would be resentful. Caveat - when the children are really young like OPs its harder to get stuff done (both ours are in school now).

Agree with previous posters, you need to talk. And I am not implying that you aren't pulling your weight, but if you are SAH you need to accept the domestic is your role. If not, you need to get a job outside the home. On a related note, the generic advice is also: how's your sex life?

Doesn't seem like OP is stating that she is not taking on domestic chores, but that he won't do jack shit.. like even bus his own plate, and that he is resentful and takes his stress out on her. C'mon, no matter if you have a sahp partner, you can still bus your own plate. Even my 5 yr old buses his own plate and makes his own bed.

[Anonymous]

Agree with previous posters, you need to talk. And I am not implying that you aren't pulling your weight, but if you are SAH you need to accept the domestic is your role. If not, you need to get a job outside the home. On a related note, the generic advice is also: how's your sex life?
Doesn't seem like OP is stating that she is not taking on domestic chores, but that he won't do jack shit.. like even bus his own plate, and that he is resentful and takes his stress out on her. C'mon, no matter if you have a sahp partner, you can still bus your own plate. Even my 5 yr old buses his own plate and makes his own bed.

^This. It's called being a citizen of your household. At least you contribute small things and show appreciation. Common courtesy, at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm SAH by default because we moved right after DS (1yr) was born, and I haven't found a job. We have a very low cost of living now, and few expenses. I also stockpiled a lot of cash before leavin my job, so we have decent savings for future expenses (bigger house etc) down the line when I start working again. So this isn't about money/financial pressure. DH has a stressful job, and a lot of responsibility gets piled onto him. But he's had this job for many years- it's not like he had to step up because he got married and had a baby. He would still have this job if he were single. Anyway, he's starting to resent me-he makes offhand comments about how he hates going to work and he's jealous of me. Lately, he's doing zero housework. He doesn't even bus his own plate after dinner. If I don't pick it up, it will sit there for eternity. The one delineated chore he's supposed to do is trash, but he hasn't done it in weeks. I don't want a fight, but this is becoming really irritating, and I feel like a chore mule. I feel like because of his resentment, if I say something, he's going to be a jerk about it and we'll get in a fight. Any advice or btdt?

Sounds like he is burned out. It's hard for us to have another person's perspective. He comes home from a stressful day and just wants to chill and not do any housework. You have a stressful day doing housework and taking care of DS and don't want more things to do when he comes home and that should be your time off.

DH and I had this argument when I stayed at home because I was annoyed he would come home and want to relax a little when I wanted him to be immediately on duty and give me a break. I said something along the lines of he gets to escape to work every day whereas I'm doing the same thing ALL day. His response was to ask me if I thought going to work meant he got to relax all day. And he was right. We both were not seeing each other's perspectives. So we worked out a system. DH gets home and has 20 min in his office to decompress. Then he comes downstairs, phone goes away,and he's engaged. It has worked out really well. DS is now 3 and I am working again, albeit the overnight shift. We have developed a new system that works for us. I don't think you necessarily have to fight over this. I do think you need to sit down with him in talk. YOu need to really listen to him without getting mad, and he needs to listen to you.

+1

Also, he may be feeling really stressed out about being the sole provider, and feeling trapped in his job because of that.

Also, both of you need to be stubborn over something as a matter of principle. If it really makes sense for you to do the bulk of the housework, then don't refuse to do it just because it doesn't seem fair. Both of you need time to decompress, and both of you need to help around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things were a lot easier once I went back to work. Like you, I was a SAHM by default. I didn't really enjoy it. I loved being home with DS but I HATE having to feel like I'm in charge of the household. Plus, I was depressed at not being able to work, hated feeling dependent on DH (even though he never made me feel that way) and knew I would be happier if I worked.

Then there was DH. Everything rode on his shoulders. If he lost his job, we could wind up in trouble. If he was stressed out at his job, too bad he had to suck it up because he was the breadwinner. I sometimes don't think people realize how stressful it is knowing your family's financial safety and security is completely on your shoulders.

Anyways, DH never said anything about the house not being clean and he certainly tried to do his fair share but the reality is that when you stay at home, the bulk of it is on your shoulders. Now would DH leave his dishes for me to pick up? No. But would he be irritated then there were crumbs all over the floor that brought ants in because I hadn't swept in days? Yes, and I completely get it.

When DS was 2.5 I went back to work part-time. It made splitting the duties SO much easier.

I don't know the answer OP. Perhaps your DH is just being a jerk. But perhaps you aren't really seeing his side of things too.

+1 One of the reasons that I work is because of how stressed my husband was as the thought of being the sole breadwinner. Having both of us work creates a cushion and makes both of us less stressed about money and being able to provide for our kids. I suspect that OP's husband is feeling that way, like he is stressed at work and the stress is compounded by the pressure that he feels and about how risky taking another job feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just my perspective as the working husband with a SAHM wife. Kids are 8 and 5 and wife hasn't worked since youngest was born.

It works really well for us, but partly because my wife does almost all domestic tasks. Sure, I help with dishes and bath and bedtime when I get home, trash, stuff on weekends. But all other domestic responsibilities are hers, from meals, to groceries, to doctors appointments, Christmas gifts and cards. She is really good and organized. By the end of the day, after the kids are in bed, we both relax together.

The reason this works, we are both working hard. If I had the perception that I was busting my chops at work for 9 hours and still had to do a chunk of domestic duties, I would be resentful. Caveat - when the children are really young like OPs its harder to get stuff done (both ours are in school now).

Agree with previous posters, you need to talk. And I am not implying that you aren't pulling your weight, but if you are SAH you need to accept the domestic is your role. If not, you need to get a job outside the home. On a related note, the generic advice is also: how's your sex life?

Doesn't seem like OP is stating that she is not taking on domestic chores, but that he won't do jack shit.. like even bus his own plate, and that he is resentful and takes his stress out on her. C'mon, no matter if you have a sahp partner, you can still bus your own plate. Even my 5 yr old buses his own plate and makes his own bed.

Keep in mind, we only have OP's side of this. It's entirely possible there's a whole universe of chores for which she and her DH disagree about whether they should be within the SAH sphere, and that he may be doing resentfully without OP realizing it. Whatever the real source, though, OP's husband is pretty clearly resentful of something, but the only person who can tell her for sure what it is, and work with her to resolve the resentment, is her husband. So yes, the plate thing is wrong, but that doesn't mean there isn't more to work out between them than just the plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things were a lot easier once I went back to work. Like you, I was a SAHM by default. I didn't really enjoy it. I loved being home with DS but I HATE having to feel like I'm in charge of the household. Plus, I was depressed at not being able to work, hated feeling dependent on DH (even though he never made me feel that way) and knew I would be happier if I worked.

Then there was DH. Everything rode on his shoulders. If he lost his job, we could wind up in trouble. If he was stressed out at his job, too bad he had to suck it up because he was the breadwinner. I sometimes don't think people realize how stressful it is knowing your family's financial safety and security is completely on your shoulders.

Anyways, DH never said anything about the house not being clean and he certainly tried to do his fair share but the reality is that when you stay at home, the bulk of it is on your shoulders. Now would DH leave his dishes for me to pick up? No. But would he be irritated then there were crumbs all over the floor that brought ants in because I hadn't swept in days? Yes, and I completely get it.

When DS was 2.5 I went back to work part-time. It made splitting the duties SO much easier.

I don't know the answer OP. Perhaps your DH is just being a jerk. But perhaps you aren't really seeing his side of things too.

+1 One of the reasons that I work is because of how stressed my husband was as the thought of being the sole breadwinner. Having both of us work creates a cushion and makes both of us less stressed about money and being able to provide for our kids. I suspect that OP's husband is feeling that way, like he is stressed at work and the stress is compounded by the pressure that he feels and about how risky taking another job feels.

You have no clue whether OP's husband feels that way. My husband works a high-stress job that sometimes gets the better of him, but being the sole breadwinner isn't a part of that stress. We had a very frank discussion about it recently (he was struggling with some other stress, and I wanted to see if me going back to work would make it easier), and he said having me as a SAHP actually decreases his stress level. He said he wouldn't know how to work with less intensity than he does now, it's just not his personality, but both of us working would force him too (splitting things like who leaves work early to get the kids) and would make things more stressful for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is the exact same as yours (no help, won't bus his plate, etc.), only I work full time and he works part time. I've so had it. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, or about helping, he erupts and calls me names, etc. If it wasn't for the kids, I would be so out of here now, but am just biding my time to make sure I can financially afford the divorce.

Yeah, totally like OP's husband, except for the part where *OP stays at home full-time.*

[Anonymous]

How old is your child now, OP? Do you have a nanny or baby sitter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with previous posters, you need to talk. And I am not implying that you aren't pulling your weight, but if you are SAH you need to accept the domestic is your role. If not, you need to get a job outside the home. On a related note, the generic advice is also: how's your sex life?

Doesn't seem like OP is stating that she is not taking on domestic chores, but that he won't do jack shit.. like even bus his own plate, and that he is resentful and takes his stress out on her. C'mon, no matter if you have a sahp partner, you can still bus your own plate. Even my 5 yr old buses his own plate and makes his own bed.

^This. It's called being a citizen of your household. At least you contribute small things and show appreciation. Common courtesy, at the very least.


If she get's a full time job outside, then the dh will need to do 50% of house and child. Is he willing to do that?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but SAH is the kind of thing that both partners really need to be on the same page about because it is easy for one to resent the other and it goes both ways (SAH spouse could resent the other for getting to leave every day and have "adult" conversations). Sounds like you need to have a serious, honest talk and maybe go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things were a lot easier once I went back to work. Like you, I was a SAHM by default. I didn't really enjoy it. I loved being home with DS but I HATE having to feel like I'm in charge of the household. Plus, I was depressed at not being able to work, hated feeling dependent on DH (even though he never made me feel that way) and knew I would be happier if I worked.

Then there was DH. Everything rode on his shoulders. If he lost his job, we could wind up in trouble. If he was stressed out at his job, too bad he had to suck it up because he was the breadwinner. I sometimes don't think people realize how stressful it is knowing your family's financial safety and security is completely on your shoulders.

Anyways, DH never said anything about the house not being clean and he certainly tried to do his fair share but the reality is that when you stay at home, the bulk of it is on your shoulders. Now would DH leave his dishes for me to pick up? No. But would he be irritated then there were crumbs all over the floor that brought ants in because I hadn't swept in days? Yes, and I completely get it.

When DS was 2.5 I went back to work part-time. It made splitting the duties SO much easier.

I don't know the answer OP. Perhaps your DH is just being a jerk. But perhaps you aren't really seeing his side of things too.

+1 One of the reasons that I work is because of how stressed my husband was as the thought of being the sole breadwinner. Having both of us work creates a cushion and makes both of us less stressed about money and being able to provide for our kids. I suspect that OP's husband is feeling that way, like he is stressed at work and the stress is compounded by the pressure that he feels and about how risky taking another job feels.

You have no clue whether OP's husband feels that way. My husband works a high-stress job that sometimes gets the better of him, but being the sole breadwinner isn't a part of that stress. We had a very frank discussion about it recently (he was struggling with some other stress, and I wanted to see if me going back to work would make it easier), and he said having me as a SAHP actually decreases his stress level. He said he wouldn't know how to work with less intensity than he does now, it's just not his personality, but both of us working would force him too (splitting things like who leaves work early to get the kids) and would make things more stressful for him.

Working husband here, my DW stays at home and I totally agree. Being the sole breadwinner isn't the stressful part and having her home makes work less stressful so I don't have to worry about domestic things.

[Anonymous]

You did not mention how old your child is, but you did say you have had trouble finding a job. Maybe could you think of pursuing a graduate certificate or training part time so you will be in a better position to resume work in a year or two? It might help your DH to see that you are trying to improve your career options. I would not put up with disrespectful behavior in the interim though. It is important to shut that down ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things were a lot easier once I went back to work. Like you, I was a SAHM by default. I didn't really enjoy it. I loved being home with DS but I HATE having to feel like I'm in charge of the household. Plus, I was depressed at not being able to work, hated feeling dependent on DH (even though he never made me feel that way) and knew I would be happier if I worked.

Then there was DH. Everything rode on his shoulders. If he lost his job, we could wind up in trouble. If he was stressed out at his job, too bad he had to suck it up because he was the breadwinner. I sometimes don't think people realize how stressful it is knowing your family's financial safety and security is completely on your shoulders.

Anyways, DH never said anything about the house not being clean and he certainly tried to do his fair share but the reality is that when you stay at home, the bulk of it is on your shoulders. Now would DH leave his dishes for me to pick up? No. But would he be irritated then there were crumbs all over the floor that brought ants in because I hadn't swept in days? Yes, and I completely get it.

When DS was 2.5 I went back to work part-time. It made splitting the duties SO much easier.

I don't know the answer OP. Perhaps your DH is just being a jerk. But perhaps you aren't really seeing his side of things too.

+1 One of the reasons that I work is because of how stressed my husband was as the thought of being the sole breadwinner. Having both of us work creates a cushion and makes both of us less stressed about money and being able to provide for our kids. I suspect that OP's husband is feeling that way, like he is stressed at work and the stress is compounded by the pressure that he feels and about how risky taking another job feels.

You have no clue whether OP's husband feels that way. My husband works a high-stress job that sometimes gets the better of him, but being the sole breadwinner isn't a part of that stress. We had a very frank discussion about it recently (he was struggling with some other stress, and I wanted to see if me going back to work would make it easier), and he said having me as a SAHP actually decreases his stress level. He said he wouldn't know how to work with less intensity than he does now, it's just not his personality, but both of us working would force him too (splitting things like who leaves work early to get the kids) and would make things more stressful for him.

Working husband here, my DW stays at home and I totally agree. Being the sole breadwinner isn't the stressful part and having her home makes work less stressful so I don't have to worry about domestic things.

+1 it does depend on the financial situation, though. But, OP stated that they have lots of cash stashed, so I assume money is not the issue?

When both parents work, you have to juggle all the school closures, snow days, sick days, PT conferences, Dr's appts, etc... Sure, it's not every day, but there seems to be something going on almost every month, and I only have two kids. Part of why I went PT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he needs to find a new job that makes him happier.

Sounds like he needs a new wife that will contribute to the household.