DH resents me being SAH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

Honestly, you sound awful and terribly disrespectful of someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your staff.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like he resents that you sah. I think he's miserable about work and takes it out on you.

[Anonymous]

Bus his plate ? WTF kind of thing is this ? I keep reading this particular statement from you women. You CHOSE to stay home. Your JOB is to make your husband's life less stressful.

Stop acting like you're a princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he needs to find a new job that makes him happier.

Sounds like he needs a new wife that will contribute to the household.

Sounds like he wouldn't be happy if she went and got a job because then he'd have more stress in his life from having to do half the house chores and childcare, unless of course, you and OP's DH are thinking that OP should both wohm and do the majority of the house chores and childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bus his plate ? WTF kind of thing is this ? I keep reading this particular statement from you women. You CHOSE to stay home. Your JOB is to make your husband's life less stressful.

Stop acting like you're a princess.

busing a plate is stressful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A relationship shouldn't be a scoreboard. I wouldn't have a problem picking up the plates etc. BUT I would make it clear I have a equally important job at home that is also stressful at times. He needs to manage his stress on the job, and not put it on her. They are also saving daycare costs I assume.

If he's supporting her, his stress is her stress. His financial issues are hers. If you choose to be financially dependent on anyone, their stress is your stress. OP may have banked lots of cash, but it won't last forever. If her husband loses his job, they are possibly going to have hard times if it takes him as long to find a job as it's taking her.

[Anonymous]

Another woman marries another loser. Different face, same sad story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A relationship shouldn't be a scoreboard. I wouldn't have a problem picking up the plates etc. BUT I would make it clear I have a equally important job at home that is also stressful at times. He needs to manage his stress on the job, and not put it on her. They are also saving daycare costs I assume.

If he's supporting her, his stress is her stress. His financial issues are hers. If you choose to be financially dependent on anyone, their stress is your stress. OP may have banked lots of cash, but it won't last forever. If her husband loses his job, they are possibly going to have hard times if it takes him as long to find a job as it's taking her.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

What happens when you get home? Do you then split duties? So if his job is all home related stuff during "work hours" does he get a break when you get home, or is it only you that gets to relax while he takes care of dinner, clean up, bath and bedtime. That's not fair at all. If SAH is also a job, when does he get off work?

I think you're a nice and your DH is under appreciated.

Seriously. Day to day chores - sure. Can't put your own plate in the sink and tough shit if you're too tired to help with the baby he has been caring for all day? Seriously? What are you, the queen of England? It doesn't sound like you actually do understand how stressful little kids can be.

- Another WOH mom w/ a SAHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bus his plate ? WTF kind of thing is this ? I keep reading this particular statement from you women. You CHOSE to stay home. Your JOB is to make your husband's life less stressful.

Stop acting like you're a princess.

You women? You sound like an angry husband.

Any asshole should be able to put their plate in the sink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

Honestly, you sound awful and terribly disrespectful of someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your staff.

+1 It is a "bonus" if you help with your child but otherwise your husband should have to parent 24/7 while you chill because you make the money? Lordy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another woman marries another loser. Different face, same sad story.

Another earner marries another dependent leech. Same sad story..

[Anonymous]

Very much btdt and and still in the midst of it. No silver lining or happy ending, just sharing my case.

This was exactly our story as yours -relocation for DH, we moved, and I couldn't find a good job here so I began SAHM. First it was a great all around. And I really loved it. The time with DC and the time for myself -- I've been working forever plus college and grad school. It was the first time I could take a breath, you know. But after a while, DH grew resentful. And he always seemed stressed. Sometimes he would burst and tell me how this is ridiculous and I need to get a job. We fought about this a good amount. Eventually I did because a good offer came up. Now I work very hard in a full time demanding role . It's a well paying job in my field but DC are in school and then aftercare for a total of 11 hours per day, the evenings feel like a scramble from pick up to dinner to hw checking to bathtub and bedtime routine. Then up in 7hours to do it all again. Then the weekends come and I'm so fucking tired. I don't do much beyond work and home, and I don't feel as healthy as I did before since I'm always tired and not taking the best care of myself since I have zero time for me. That said, I do mostly enjoy my work and it was definitely nice (& challenging, scary, learn oppotuntiy)to go from SAHM to a director running a team, but I have NO balance now. I went from one extreme to the other and I don't think it's a long term plan when I think of the entirety of what I want my life to be.

The PP hit it on the head when she said SAH duties for a woman feels like mysogny. These would be my fights with DH- felt he didn't appreciate all I did, he resented me for being home, and on top of that stopped even taking his dishes & and I was having to "ask" for money when I need it. Or just being accountable to him about the credit card etc. I hated that so much and just felt shitty about myself for it. So now It is certainly nice to have my own money and just all around, we have more money and don't really fight about money anymore.

And DH has stepped up. He picks up DC most nights, spends more time with them, does laundry etc. But he also works a much more flex schedule (he is a senior vp and has a lot of autonomy) but I find myself resentful of his flex to go to the gym at 8 or 9am and then go to work at like 10. To work from home when he feels like it, etc. I find myself jealous of his freedom and missing my own. I also get really angry thinking about his 10 hour days when I wasn't working. He was never home! And now he has all this flex and freedom and seems to just work less. Is it because he's less stressed now and feels he can rest? Or maybe he was cheating? I do wonder about this.

All this to say, I'm back and work and now and while some things are good, I am the one who is resentful now.

[Anonymous]

Don't bus his plate. Let it sit there. My DH thought he was clearing his own dishes when I was doing it. I stopped. Now he does it. It might take him til noon to clear his cereal bowl but he eventually will do it. I'm not going to do what he should automatically be doing as he gets up from the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

Honestly, you sound awful and terribly disrespectful of someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your staff.

+1 It is a "bonus" if you help with your child but otherwise your husband should have to parent 24/7 while you chill because you make the money? Lordy.

Not to mention this woman thinks of her child as merely another household chore that she gets to avoid when she's too tired. Why exactly do people like this have kids?