DH resents me being SAH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You people are so confused about this thread. OP stated that she does the majority of the housechores. But, the DH can still bus his own plate, yet, he still expects her to even do that. It's a friggin plate. He seems to just refuse to do this because he is taking things out on her. Immature, selfish, and disrespectful.

**Yes it's a friggin plate, so she should not play into it or act like she notices his silly behavior. No attention is better then negative attention like any child, just wash ALL the dishes and ignore it. It's on him, he'll have to work through his job issues.

What? No. He is not a child. Grow the f up, man, and stop taking your job stress out on your wife and marriage. It's not going to end well.

[Anonymous]

I have a great idea that always works like a charm!!

Have him stay home for a week alone with your child. Call it a "Walk a Day in My Shoes."

Guaranteed by at least Day 3, he will be begging for work stress vs. stay at home stress. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm SAH by default because we moved right after DS (1yr) was born, and I haven't found a job. We have a very low cost of living now, and few expenses. I also stockpiled a lot of cash before leavin my job, so we have decent savings for future expenses (bigger house etc) down the line when I start working again. So this isn't about money/financial pressure. DH has a stressful job, and a lot of responsibility gets piled onto him. But he's had this job for many years- it's not like he had to step up because he got married and had a baby. He would still have this job if he were single. Anyway, he's starting to resent me-he makes offhand comments about how he hates going to work and he's jealous of me. Lately, he's doing zero housework. He doesn't even bus his own plate after dinner. If I don't pick it up, it will sit there for eternity. The one delineated chore he's supposed to do is trash, but he hasn't done it in weeks. I don't want a fight, but this is becoming really irritating, and I feel like a chore mule. I feel like because of his resentment, if I say something, he's going to be a jerk about it and we'll get in a fight. Any advice or btdt?

Op do not look at this a something to do with you being a SAH(Though you do come off as being a bit princessy). Your DH is giving you a heads up. He is most likely stressed at work and burnt out. Maybe something has changed and he is worried about keep his job. He does not know how to talk to you about it- maybe you like the life you have a little too much? Better get to the root of the problem and fit it(his job/career). If you don't he may come home one day laid off or fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a great idea that always works like a charm!!

Have him stay home for a week alone with your child. Call it a "Walk a Day in My Shoes."

Guaranteed by at least Day 3, he will be begging for work stress vs. stay at home stress. I promise.

Yep but if he did it for a month, things settle down and its not too bad of a job....you are not going to get fired if you forget an appointment, get the kids to school late, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great idea that always works like a charm!!

Have him stay home for a week alone with your child. Call it a "Walk a Day in My Shoes."

Guaranteed by at least Day 3, he will be begging for work stress vs. stay at home stress. I promise.

Yep but if he did it for a month, things settle down and its not too bad of a job....you are not going to get fired if you forget an appointment, get the kids to school late, etc.

No kidding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great idea that always works like a charm!!

Have him stay home for a week alone with your child. Call it a "Walk a Day in My Shoes."

Guaranteed by at least Day 3, he will be begging for work stress vs. stay at home stress. I promise.

Yep but if he did it for a month, things settle down and its not too bad of a job....you are not going to get fired if you forget an appointment, get the kids to school late, etc.

No kidding!

Not a SAHM, but keeping appointments/being on time is not the most stressful part of SAH...not even close. You don't need the risk of being fired to be stressed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great idea that always works like a charm!!

Have him stay home for a week alone with your child. Call it a "Walk a Day in My Shoes."

Guaranteed by at least Day 3, he will be begging for work stress vs. stay at home stress. I promise.

Yep but if he did it for a month, things settle down and its not too bad of a job....you are not going to get fired if you forget an appointment, get the kids to school late, etc.

No kidding!

Not a SAHM, but keeping appointments/being on time is not the most stressful part of SAH...not even close. You don't need the risk of being fired to be stressed out.

Exactly, my question is would he do half of all the household duties if she did go back to work. I had a friend quit her job because her husband was a nit wit. He made a lot and she really didn't have to work, but when she did she had to do 100% of everything. I still remember he expected his jeans to be ironed, another story; but she quit and was much happier. He would complain from time to time but she wasn't ever going back to work and having 2 or 3 jobs taking care of him.

[Anonymous]

Really? I have a DH much like OP. My SAH years weren't so great because DH was really annoying about it (despite making 300k) and expecting me to do 100% of housework/finances/admin plus child rearing. So I went back to work and I'm MUCH happier for it. We still don't do 50-50 of household work (more like 60-40), but I've found my general mood is so much better not being the default house-elf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

I never thought I'd say this - but I agree with you. Both should appreciate the other for sure, but by and large the SAH spouse gets the loin's share of the housework/childcare. (I am a part-time SAHM and have most of the household work - my husband appreciates me and I get away a couple times a year and many evenings here and there.)

[Anonymous]

I SAH so I do 95% of the household upkeep.

DH is still expected to put his own dishes away, wipe down the counter if he spills something, throw away the wrapper when he finishes a loaf of bread, etc.

SAH does not equal maid. He needs to clean up his own messes, just like we all learned in preschool.