DH resents me being SAH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he thinks his life will be easier if you work FT so he has his job and then 50% of the childcare/housework on top of that. That should shut him up.

LOL This. A child and doing all she is doing is a f/t job. Problem is if she goes to work f/t he won't do those things and she will have 2 jobs. If she can afford to stay home and raise the kids, that is the best for the family.

[Anonymous]

I would have a sit down with him. Give him and go over all the things you are currently doing as a SAH parent. Lay it out like a job-you start at "X" time and do X,y,z with a morning break, lunch break and afternoon break built in. Set a "clocking out" time 9 hours after you start and say that's when you "get off" work. So everything after the time you and he get off should be shared responsibilities.

If he wants to hire someone else to do all the things you are doing while you are "working", provide him a breakdown of what that would cost. Be sure to point out times when either one of you would have to take time off work for doctors appointments, etc.

Your DH sounds like an asshole. He won't even bus his own dinner plate?? How old is he??

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your DH is feeling miserable about work, and taking it out on you at home. Mine does this too sometimes, and I also work FT and we have 3 kids, so it's not as if there is much relaxation for anyone.

I would try to talk to him about his seeming unhappiness with work. Tell him your concerned for him, and ask how you and he could make the situation better. Maybe changing jobs is needed. Or maybe just knowing that if he wanted to change jobs, he could. You stated that you plan to start working again in the future. Approach this as a team, and if the team needs you to start working again sooner, that can be an option.

Right now you both feel stressed and resentful. Instead of turning that on each other, try to be a team and figure out how to make the life you want. Even if in the end you decide to keep things as are, it can reduce resentment to feel like you chose the way you're living rather than fell into it.

[Anonymous]

A relationship shouldn't be a scoreboard. I wouldn't have a problem picking up the plates etc. BUT I would make it clear I have a equally important job at home that is also stressful at times. He needs to manage his stress on the job, and not put it on her. They are also saving daycare costs I assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he thinks his life will be easier if you work FT so he has his job and then 50% of the childcare/housework on top of that. That should shut him up.

LOL This. A child and doing all she is doing is a f/t job. Problem is if she goes to work f/t he won't do those things and she will have 2 jobs. If she can afford to stay home and raise the kids, that is the best for the family.

Except she and her husband are both miserable. God, SAHMs are insufferably selfish sometimes.

[Anonymous]

If he's unhappy at work she can suggest he make changes, another job within the company or somewhere else. Either way he shouldn't put that on her. SAHM have full time jobs, and since finances aren't a problem she needs to enjoy those years with the kids. Much healthier then being in a daycare.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of men who would appreciate and respect a women like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm SAH by default because we moved right after DS (1yr) was born, and I haven't found a job. We have a very low cost of living now, and few expenses. I also stockpiled a lot of cash before leavin my job, so we have decent savings for future expenses (bigger house etc) down the line when I start working again. So this isn't about money/financial pressure. DH has a stressful job, and a lot of responsibility gets piled onto him. But he's had this job for many years- it's not like he had to step up because he got married and had a baby. He would still have this job if he were single. Anyway, he's starting to resent me-he makes offhand comments about how he hates going to work and he's jealous of me. Lately, he's doing zero housework. He doesn't even bus his own plate after dinner. If I don't pick it up, it will sit there for eternity. The one delineated chore he's supposed to do is trash, but he hasn't done it in weeks. I don't want a fight, but this is becoming really irritating, and I feel like a chore mule. I feel like because of his resentment, if I say something, he's going to be a jerk about it and we'll get in a fight. Any advice or btdt?

Have the fight.

This is the kind of fight you have when you become parents. He's slipping, he feels things are off-balance. Time to have the hard conversation(s) and figure out what's going on. Get back on the same page.

[Anonymous]

My DH's company situation had changed, and he hated it, got really stressed out. I was working PT. I told him to quit and find something else, and we'd live frugally on my PT income + savings until he found something else (about 5 months). Life is too short to be always stressed out, and our marriage and family are too important for something like a job to damage it.

But, even when he was stressed, he was not an asshole, taking it out on me. He bused his plate, and more so, cleaned the kitchen after dinner, still helped with bath/bedtime, etc... That's the difference.

Having a sahp doesn't mean the other spouse stops being a parent and adult when they come home.

[Anonymous]

Things were a lot easier once I went back to work. Like you, I was a SAHM by default. I didn't really enjoy it. I loved being home with DS but I HATE having to feel like I'm in charge of the household. Plus, I was depressed at not being able to work, hated feeling dependent on DH (even though he never made me feel that way) and knew I would be happier if I worked.

Then there was DH. Everything rode on his shoulders. If he lost his job, we could wind up in trouble. If he was stressed out at his job, too bad he had to suck it up because he was the breadwinner. I sometimes don't think people realize how stressful it is knowing your family's financial safety and security is completely on your shoulders.

Anyways, DH never said anything about the house not being clean and he certainly tried to do his fair share but the reality is that when you stay at home, the bulk of it is on your shoulders. Now would DH leave his dishes for me to pick up? No. But would he be irritated then there were crumbs all over the floor that brought ants in because I hadn't swept in days? Yes, and I completely get it.

When DS was 2.5 I went back to work part-time. It made splitting the duties SO much easier.

I don't know the answer OP. Perhaps your DH is just being ajerk. But perhaps you aren't really seeing his side of things too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm SAH by default because we moved right after DS (1yr) was born, and I haven't found a job. We have a very low cost of living now, and few expenses. I also stockpiled a lot of cash before leavin my job, so we have decent savings for future expenses (bigger house etc) down the line when I start working again. So this isn't about money/financial pressure. DH has a stressful job, and a lot of responsibility gets piled onto him. But he's had this job for many years- it's not like he had to step up because he got married and had a baby. He would still have this job if he were single. Anyway, he's starting to resent me-he makes offhand comments about how he hates going to work and he's jealous of me. Lately, he's doing zero housework. He doesn't even bus his own plate after dinner. If I don't pick it up, it will sit there for eternity. The one delineated chore he's supposed to do is trash, but he hasn't done it in weeks. I don't want a fight, but this is becoming really irritating, and I feel like a chore mule. I feel like because of his resentment, if I say something, he's going to be a jerk about it and we'll get in a fight. Any advice or btdt?

Sounds like he is burned out. It's hard for us to have another person's perspective. He comes home from a stressful day and just wants to chill and not do any housework. You have a stressful day doing housework and taking care of DS and don't want more things to do when he comes home and that should be your time off.

DH and I had this argument when I stayed at home because I was annoyed he would come home and want to relax a little when I wanted him to be immediately on duty and give me a break. I said something along the lines of he gets to escape to work every day whereas I'm doing the same thing ALL day. His response was to ask me if I thought going to work meant he got to relax all day. And he was right. We both were not seeing each other's perspectives. So we worked out a system. DH gets home and has 20 min in his office to decompress. Then he comes downstairs, phone goes away,and he's engaged. It has worked out really well. DS is now 3 and I am working again, albeit the overnight shift. We have developed a new system that works for us. I don't think you necessarily have to fight over this. I do think you need to sit down with him in talk. YOu need to really listen to him without getting mad, and he needs to listen to you.

[Anonymous]

We had a similar situation. My husband brought in the sole paycheck through my pregnancy and DS's first year. But the stress he was under made him a complete asshole at home and I felt like a single parent most of the time. Relief came when I went back to work and he was laid off a few months later. He was actually pretty good at the domestic side of things. Made breakfast, lunch and dinner for me every day, did a bang up job on the household and I think felt proud of his childcare abilities. When he did go back to work, he took a lower position with flexible hours and telework allowance so he could be a more hands on parent. I thought that his ego would suffer from the step down, but five years later, we're all happy with the work/life balance.

Evryone is different, though, and that may not be your husband. Still, see if there's a way to alleviate the pressure on him. Discuss downsizing. Price out daycare costs to determine if that would be worth it (I don't know where you moved from, but it's like paying a second mortgage in DC). Consider dipping into your savings for that so you can get a job at any pay. Just do something so that everything is not hinging on his performance in what sounds like a stressful unfulfilling job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

What happens when you get home? Do you then split duties? So if his job is all home related stuff during "work hours" does he get a break when you get home, or is it only you that gets to relax while he takes care of dinner, clean up, bath and bedtime. That's not fair at all. If SAH is also a job, when does he get off work?

I think you're a nice and your DH is under appreciated.

I don't think DH is under appreciated. He certainly loves to fish for compliments, and I oblige

DH does catch a break. DC naps for a couple of hours during the day, and I encourage DH to join him. I cherish my weekends with DC, and DH gets to do his own thing. I often cook on weekends for DC and myself if I want to try something new. DH cooks very simply, so if I want elaborate, I'm on my own.

Not much happens when I get home. DH manages to take care of things before I get there. He's pretty good at planning and executing his plans; I have to say, my household runs like clockwork thanks to him. (I would be a lot less efficient at things like banks, bills, exterminators, plumbing problems, house repairs.) There is normally food for me to eat (he does his own thing because of a special diet). We're both pretty low maintenance, so precooked fast meals work just fine. Sometimes we do take out; I pick it up on the way from work. I feed DC dinner and snack before bed, we bathe DC together (it is easier for two people logistically). We veg or play with DC for a couple of hours, then DH takes DC to bed. I join them in about 1/2 hour. Obviously, if one of us is very tired or not feeling well, the other person will pick up the slack.

[Anonymous]

Get some real figures from local center- and home-based daycares around you. Show him that you are contributing at least $1,500 a month or so to the equation for daycare. Do something similar with a monthly deep clean from a maid service, and a few errands from a personal assistant service, etc. Present him with an itemized "bill."

Then sit down and figure out, together, reasonable expectations for chores and whatnot.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that you two need to sit down and have a discussion about the division of labor in the house. I'm a SAHM and am largely the chore mule. But something like refusing to clear your own spot at the table after dinner would put me over the edge, because that just feels so pointed and disrespectful (although part of that may be because our kids are older and are responsible for clearing their own plates, so if DH is the only person not clearing his and leaving it for me, it really stands out).